“Good morning. Glad to see all of you except Maggie Haberman. Kiss my ass, Maggie. Florida was fun, but now it’s back to work. Before I take any questions, I have a statement that has been prepared for me.
“Ahem.
“Donald Trump is a war president. Obama did not act because he was weak and Muslim, but I went in there. Biggest explosions you’ve ever seen, just massive. Great stuff, just like Patton. Real presidents take action to help babies. Obama hated babies, but I will protect all the beautiful babies.
“Chinese guy and me got along great. Just the best, wonderful guy, said many nice things to me. Maybe I should get him to help me build the wall? Chines build great walls, but Donald Trump will build the best wall of all time. Great guy, Xi. Bad name, good guy. My little granddaughter came and sang for him. Chinese song, the one about putting pee-pee in your Coke. He loved it. My granddaughter is now the Secretary of Agriculture.
“And now we have the best judge for the court, the big one, he’s gonna make the most wonderful decisions. You’re gonna love his decisions. Neil Gorsuch. Also not a great name, but great judge. Very, very, very smart man. Almost as smart as me for choosing him. I made a good decision, and now he’s gonna make great ones. Appointing justices is easy. Why couldn’t Obama do it? Weak guy.
“Ahem.
“Okay, let’s take some questions. Wait, before we start: the room’s overbooked and I’m going to need one of the reporters to give up their seat. Ed?”
“What?”
“I’m going to have to re-accommodate you.”
“That’s not a word.”
“Irregardless, you’re going to have to go. We are offering a voucher for $50 at Panera Bread.”
“Sean, this is my job. I have deadlines.”
“And so does the gentleman from WorldNetDaily who needs your seat. Fine, I’ll throw in some Trump steaks.”
“No, thank you.”
“Set of all-weather Trump tires?”
“I’m good.”
“You’re not. Goons!”
STRUGGLE STRUGGLE GOON GOON
“Okay, let’s move on. Kristin?”
“Sean, why is it okay to bomb Syria, but not help the refugees?”
“I reject your binary, Kristin. Bombing the refugees is helping them. It’s called tough love.”
“Second question: What is the Trump Doctrine?”
“The Trump Doctrine?”
“Yes. The overarching ethos behind the president’s foreign policy.”
“Don’t gas babies.”
…
“Anything else?”
“Well, obviously, Kristin. But if you gas a baby, we’re going to blow you up. Major?”
“Were the Russians informed before the strike?”
“Let me amend my previous statement: if you gas a baby, we’re going to call you and warn you first, and then blow you up.”
“Was Congress informed?’
“I’m sure they’ve heard by now.
“So, Congress wasn’t informed of the missile strikes?”
“Well, we weren’t launching the missiles at them, were we?”
“Right. During the campaign, the president said often that you shouldn’t give away your plans beforehand, and that President Obama had made an error in alerting Mosul that an attack was forthcoming.”
“Did he say that?”
“And now the targets of the American strike were called before the missiles came.”
“Of course. Of course we alerted Russia and Syria before the strikes. They are our allies.”
“What now?”
“Allies.”
“Do allies often shoot Tomahawk missiles at one another?”
“It’s a whole new world. John?”
“Sean, today, our Ambassador to the United Nations said that Assad must be removed from power, while Secretary of State Tillerson said that the Syrian people could decide his fate. The president, meanwhile, has not said anything. What is the official policy?”
“Don’t gas babies.”
“Has there really been no progress past that?”
“I think it’s a pretty important point, John. If you gas babies and the president sees the pictures, you’re gonna get it. As to Assad, there are many options on the table. Maybe we’ll assassinate him?”
LAWYER RUNNING IN NOISE
“Whisper whisper whisper.”
“That’s illegal? I had no idea. How illegal?”
“Whisper whisper whisper.”
“Wow.”
LAWYER RUNNING OUT NOISE
“I retract my previous statement. Kelly?”
“Sean, can you comment on the rift between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner? Reports have them at war.”
“Well, neither of them better gas any babies.”
“Not that kind of war, Sean.”
“We don’t comment on personal stories, Kelly, and this is fake news. These are unsourced reports that may as well have been made up out of whole cloth. Jared and Steve are great friends and have an excellent working relationship.
“FUCK YOU, JEWBOY!”
“SUCK MY DICK, YOU DRUNKEN NAZI FUCK!”
…
“Sean, what was that?”
“What was what?”
“You didn’t hear Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner yelling at each other?”
“I did not. You did? Wow. Maybe you’re going crazy.”
“I heard them, too, Sean.”
“Okay, both of you are being re-accommodated. Goons!”
STRUGGLE STRUGGLE GOON GOON
“Great. Any other questions? No? See you tomorrow, then.”
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