“SENSEI BENJY! TALK T’ YER KING.”
“I’m here, King.”
AH C’N SEE AN’ HEAR YOU ON…WHATCHOO CALL THESE THINGS?”
“Google Glass. Elvis, things are very weird.”
“WHEN ARE YOU?”
“Whatever year Google Glass was a thing. I’m adrift in the timestream. Ten minutes ago, I was in 1322 in Massachusetts.”
“HOW’D THAT WORK OUT F’R YA?”
“I almost certainly set off a plague just with my very presence.”
“THEM INDIANS DID’N HAVE TH’ RIGHT ANTIBODIES, MAN.”
“Yeah, the ones who weren’t eaten by the pterodactyls are gonna die.”
“AW, NO. MORE DINOSAURS?”
“Permission to use foul language, King.”
“AH GRANT THIS.”
“They’re fuckin’ everywhere. I been to, like, nineteen different centuries in the past day. Every one of ’em has dinosaurs.”
“YEAH, SONNY AN’ RED BEEN SHOOTIN’ HIGH EXPLOSIVE AT THAT OL’ STEGOSAUR IN TH’ RACQUETBALL COURT FOR A WHILE NOW.”
“And that’s not the worst part. We’re starting to pull the future in towards us, and when the people from the future get here, they’re pissed.”
“WOULD’N YOU BE?”
“I’m not saying I blame ’em: just reporting.”
“YOU CONQUERED DEATH AT ALL?”
“I have been eaten by dinosaurs six times.”
“WHASS THAT LIKE?”
“It hurts.”
“UH-HUH. AH BEEN DOIN’ SOME FIGGERIN’. WHEN WE PUT THEM TWO DEVICES OF TIME-WARPIN’ POWER TOGETHER, SOMETHIN’ BAD HAPPENED.”
“You’re saying you wanna get a third time machine?”
“HOT DAMN, BOY, WE ARE SIMPATICO. YOU TOOK THE WORDS OUTTA MAH MOUTH. OBVIOUSLY, IT DID’N SOUND AS GOOD.”
“Can I Cadillac myself?”
“DO IT!”
“BAM! I just got Cadillac’d.”
“SENSEI BENJY, YER TEACHIN’ ME SO MUCH.”
“Yeah, I’m very wise. Can I get the performance package?”
“GET TWO OF ‘EM!”
“Nice.”
GOOGLE GLASS CALL WAITING NOISE
“TH’ DOOHICKEY IS FLASHIN’ AN’ BEEPIN’ AT ME!’
“I think you have another call.”
“HOL’, PLEASE.”
…
“NEW GOOGLE GLASS. WHO DIS?”
“Is Putin.”
“WHAT AH TELL YOU, BOY? KEEP THAT COMMIE HEAD DOWN IN YER COMMIE HOLE, OR AH’M GONNA WHOMPINATE YA.”
“You vill not vompinate anyone.”
“GONNA TEAR YA INTA LI’L STRIPS, AN’ SPRINKLE YA OVER A SALAD, AN’ THEN NOT EAT YOU.”
“You are salad. Putin tired of playing. Ve fight.”
“YOU JUS’ ENTERED A WORLD MADE OUTTA PAIN AND MAH KNUCKLES, BOY! HOW DARE YOU DON KARATE CLOTHES AT ME?”
“Is Judo.”
“JUDO IS A CHINESE WORD THAT MEANS ‘BAD KARATE.'”
“This is not correct.”
“100%.”
“0%.”
“TH’ WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS NOW MAH DOJO, AND AH SHALL NOT REST ‘TIL AH DOMINATE YOU. WATCH THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE, COMMIE.”
“THASS A KARATE POSE, BOY. NOT THAT SISSY SHIT YOU DOIN’.”
“Is not sissy. Is for men.”
“TOSSIN’ ‘EM? FLIPPIN’ EM? HELL, NO. MEN PUNCH LIKE SHARKS, AN’ KICK LIKE RACIST KANGAROOS, AN’ THEY MAKE COOL NOISES WHEN THEY DO IT. HI-YAH, THAT SORTA THING. DUNNO WHATCHOO DOIN’.”
“Judo best. Karate no good.”
“SEE HOW NO GOOD IT IS WHEN AH SHOVE MAH FIST THROUGH YOUR WHOLE CHEST, AN’ THEN SHUT OFF TH’ LIGHTS O’ TH’ DOJO TO SYMBOLIZE YER DEFEAT.”
“This is not a possible thing.”
“PROBABLE.”
“Maybe, Elvis America. Maybe you beat Putin. If you do, then you get glorious Russian Time Lada.”
“WAIT, MAN. YOU GOT A TIME MACHINE?”
“Is yours, is Grateful Dead, and mine. Only three on planet. You want solve your problem, you need me. Putin wins.”
“YOU DO NOT WIN AT ALL, BOY! AH AM GONNA DEFEAT YOU USING MAH PROWESS.”
“Ve vill see.”
“WHY CAN’T YOU SAY ‘W,’ GODAMMIT?”
“Is accent.”
“It’s a stupid accent!”
“Who is this speaking?”
“BENJY? THAT YOU, BOY?”
“Yeah. You didn’t put me on hold. You hit the three-way call button. Anyway, I have got a real bone to pick with you, Putin. How dare you shoot me with a poison-tipped blowda–”
THWIP
“Motherfucker.”
shlump
“YOU KNOW THAT THERE BOY’S IMMORTAL, RIGHT?”
“Da. Just wanted him to shut up.”
“UNNERSTANDABLE.”
“We fight to see if world ends?”
“WHY NOT, MAN?”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH GOOGLE GLASS CERTAINLY DOESN’T DO THAT
Recent Comments