EXT.  DIAMOND DISTRICT, NYC -MORNING

The JEWIEST JEWS you’ve ever seen in your life SCREAM AT ONE ANOTHER. Every car is HONKING its horn. RADIO RAHEEM is blasting his HIPPITY-HOP BOOM BOX. There are ETHNICS in a HURRY. It’s all just so incredibly New Yorkish, like the filmmakers said “I want the city to be a character in the movie” a lot during pre-production.

SCHMUCKY BLATNER (played by Adam Sandler) walks down 47th Street. He is accosted by LIPPY LIPSCHVITZ (played by The Ghost Of Fyvush Finkel).

LIPPY
Fuck you, you gonif motherfucker!

SCHMUCKY
Fuck you in your ear! Right in the ear?

LIPPY
Not my ear! Your ear!

SCHMUCKY
Egg creams and knishes!

 

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

SCHMUCKY (now played by Kevin James wearing a fake nose that is quite honestly offensive) meets with his bookie, BOB ABOOEY (played by Gary Dell’Abate).

SCHMUCKY
Bob, you fuck, I got fifty grand in cash and I
wanna make the dumbest bet possible.

BOB
Guess what color I’m thinking of.

SCHMUCKY
Lime fucking green!

BOB
No. Blue.

SCHMUCKY
Fuck!

Schmucky hands over the money, and walks outside.

EXT.   DIAMOND DISTRICT 

Schmucky (now played by David Spade) is met by ERIC BOGOSIAN’S WHITE AFRO (played by a Sabrett Hot Dog Stand) and THE KRAY TWINS (both played by Tom Hardy).

EBWA
Where’s my fucking money, Schmucky?

REGGIE KRAY
You ‘eard the guv’nor. Produce the slash, me lad.

RON KRAY
Would you like to do homosexuality?

SCHMUCKY
I think you two are in the wrong movie.

REGGIE KRAY
Regardless. We’re ‘ere to be gangsters.

RON KRAY
And homosexual. And insane.

SCHMUCKY
Seriously, I don’t think you fucking guys…
(to EBWA)
Where did you find these two?

EBWA
Just get me my fucking money!

INT.  SYNAGOGUE – EVENING

Schmucky (now played by Adam Sandler’s stunt double, Cliff Booth) sits with his wife ADELE DAZEEN (played by Idina Menzel). Sitting next to them is JIMMY “J.J.” WALKER (played by Jimmy “J.J.” Walker).

J.J.
Why am I in this movie?

SCHMUCKY
Don’t fucking worry about it. I’ll bet you
ten grand that the cantor’s voice cracks
on the Hatikva.

J.J.
That sounds like the bet of a desperate and
not-very-bright man! Makes it tough to root for
you!

SCHMUCKY
That’s pretty fucking perceptive, Jimmy “J.J.”
Walker.

J.J.
It seems like you’re creating all your own problems!

SCHMUCKY
Also correct. I’m not in any way a victim of chance.

J.J.
It’s almost like you’re arranging events to ensure you
can’t make it out of the script alive.

SCHMUCKY
Are we doing the meta thing? I thought this was a
70’s-style character study. I mean, I’m wearing a
black leather blazer. That means 70’s-style character
study.

THE BEMA

The CANTOR (played by all four members of Goose) sings Hatikva. Voice does not crack.

J.J.
Dyno-mite!

SCHMUCKY
Fuck!

INT.   THE LOCATION FROM WHICH YOU, THE VIEWER, ARE WATCHING THE FILM.

The movie CRAWLS OFF THE SCREEN like THE CREEPY GIRL IN THE RING and begins SHOUTING in your ear, FLICKING your genitals, and PRODUCING OBJECTS OF A PERSONALLY PHOBIC NATURE from magickal pockets. The movie then PLACES DRINKING GLASSES REALLY CLOSE TO THE TABLE’S EDGE. Just does everything it can to make you jittery.

INT.   DIAMOND DISTRICT – NIGHT

Schmucky (now played by a yarmulka openly begging for an Oscar) walks up to a THREE-CARD MONTY game in progress. The DEALER (played by the robot Paulie was fucking in Rocky III) is shuffling the cards.

DEALER
Find the Queen. Find the Queen and
get the green. Find the Queen.

SCHMUCKY
I know where the fucking Queen is. I got eight
hundred grand says I know where the fucking
Queen is.

He lifts a DUFFEL BAG FULL OF CASH onto the table.

DEALER
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

ERIC BOGOSIAN’S WHITE AFRO and the KRAY TWINS appear. The Krays shoot everyone, including Schmucky and EBWA, and steal the money. They walk away and we FOLLOW them.

REGGIE KRAY
Hefty piece of work, Ron.

RON KRAY
Mum’ll be titched.

They WALK OFF and the camera FINDS the FORMER MAYOR OF NYC DAVID DINKINS (played by David Dinkins).

DAVID DINKINS
Schmucky was right. Those fellows really were
in the wrong movie. Don’t let what you’ve just seen steer you
wrong: New York City is safer than it’s ever been and
ready to greet you on your next vacation. See a show!
Eat a food! Whatever the fuck it is you yokels do when you
come here. All right then. Movie’s over.

FADE TO BLACK