Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: aquaman

A Fourth Look At Man Of Steel 2

August 8, 2016 / / 2 Comments

INT – JUSTICE LEAGUE  MOON BASE: THE WATCHTOWER

The ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE is present.

SUPERMAN
I thought this was my movie.

BATMAN is on monitor duty. He is SITTING on a CHAIR MADE OUT OF DEAD ROBINS.

BATMAN
You’re dull, Clark.

SUPERMAN
I don’t have to be!

BATMAN
Buddy: your charisma died when
Christopher Reeve got on that horse.

SUPERMAN
Jesus, man. That’s dark.

BATMAN
Well…yeah. I’m Batman?

SUPERMAN
Sure. But, you know: still, man.

BATMAN
You need a safe space? Triggered?

SUPERMAN
Martha.

BATMAN
NOOOOOOO! MAAAAARTHA!

SUPERMAN
Dick.

IN THE CORNER

Lying on the ground, DRIED OUT AND DYING, is AQUAMAN

AQUAMAN
Why…did…you bring me to the moon?

SUPERMAN
You’re on the team.

AQUAMAN
Water. Please. Water.

SUPERMAN
Flash just made coffee. Would you like coffee?

AQUAMAN
You murdered me, too.

AQUAMAN DIES.

It BEGINS TO RAIN, even though we are INSIDE A MOON BASE.

EXT. WATCHTOWER

AQUAMAN’s body SHLOMPS out of the AIR LOCK, coming to rest in a COMEDIC POSITION.

INT. WATCHTOWER

SUPERMAN
Dude.

BATMAN
He was already starting to stink.

SUPERMAN
He was our friend!

BATMAN
We met him two scenes ago, Clark.

ON THE MONITOR

An ENORMOUS SHIP shaped like A BRAIN rises over the MOON’S HORIZON

MUSIC CUE: BAD MOON RISING by CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL

BATMAN
Is that a scrotum?

SUPERMAN
It’s a brain. Brainiac. You saw a scrotum, huh?

BATMAN
I have villains that would totally show up
in a flying scrotum.

SUPERMAN
Who?

BATMAN
The Ballsacker.

SUPERMAN.
Nope.

BATMAN
Very dangerous criminal.

SUPERMAN
Not a real person.

AUDIO F/X: THE SOUND OF AN ATLANTEAN KING POUNDING HIS HAND AGAINST A WINDOW

AQUAMAN
I’m not de–

EXT. WATCHTOWER

AUTOMATED MINI-GUNS rise from the ground around AQUAMAN and SHOOT HIM MANY TIMES.

INT. WATCHTOWER

SUPERMAN
You have to be shitting me.

BATMAN
Oh, fuck him. King of my seven dicks.

SUPERMAN
You’ve changed, Bruce.

BATMAN
How would you know? We just met.

SUPERMAN
Right.

An Important Decision

March 29, 2016 / / 1 Comment

Where you been, buddy?

Doing stuff.

Yeah? How’d it go?

Doing stuff is hard. I truly hate it.

You aspire to agoraphobia.

It’s a lofty goal. Or an apartmenty goal. Maybe a houseboaty goal.

Thinking about getting a houseboat?

I was scared of a cloud today; you think I’m getting near a boat?

Sure. Wait. It’s Tuesday. Half-price day at the movies. Did you see Punching Butt-chins?

No, and I’ve decided to boycott it.

You can’t boycott something by yourself. That’s just not going to a movie.

There’s an ethical and moral reasoning behind my non-participation, so it is a boycott.

Fine. Why?

Too many people went. If the film–which is universally derided–was a bomb and we definitely weren’t getting fifteen more of these dim and shitty turds, then I’d go to watch the trainwreck. But since everyone’s an idiot and gave Warner Brothers their money, I can’t support it.

Jesus.

This way, when Aquaman: Damp Justice and Wonder Woman: Boob Armor of Themiscyra and Green Lantern: Let’s Try This Again come out, I’ll have a clear conscience.

You’re weird.

…

Fucking Aquaman.

I know, right? And he’s got dreads and a beard and tattoos.

He’s not your father’s Aquaman.

They rastafied him by twenty percent, yeah.

Dead Dumb

February 23, 2016 / / 1 Comment

The problem with Deadpool is that, as Guardians of the Galaxy and Super director James Gunn correctly notes, Hollywood is full of morons. No more or less than any other industry, but Hollywood makes the movies. (Excuse me: produces the content.) Therefore, its moronicity is more on display. We will see the fallout from Deadpool‘s success in around a year.

Deadpool didn’t succeed because it was dirty, or violent, or self-referential: it succeeded because it was true to the character. Deadpool is a homicidal pervert that realizes he’s fictional. A PG film starring the Merc with a Mouth would have failed, because it wouldn’t have been him up there on that 85-foot Ultra Screen®. Story, tone, style, structure: everything in fiction flows from character. Character informs choices, resulting in action.

Hollywood will not understand this. Hollywood is now churning out pitches for untapped comic franchises to “Deadpool up.”

Luckily, Enthusiasts, TotD has a spy in the William Morris mailroom. (Good kid named Slick Lee. You might know his dad.) I can bring you this exclusive sneak preview of Upcoming Comic Book Movies, Deadpool-Style:

Fantastic Four: Third Times The Charm This thrice-rebooted property goes hard R, as our beloved family of adventurers spends the running time of the movie making fun of Michael Chiklis, comparing dongs (stretchy vs. rocky), and murdering people. Sue Storm is a hooker with a heart of gold.

Thor: Tapping That Asgard It’s a fuck flick. Thor fucks for two hours; he fucks well and he fucks proudly. Women, men, gods, frost giants: Thor fucks ’em. Loki shows up and guess what? Thor fucks him. Both Jane Foster and Sif are now hookers with hearts of gold.

Aquaman Shows His Dick To Fish And every time he does, he and the comic relief exchange clearly-improvised quips about pop culture. Queen Hera is a damp hooker with a heart of gold.

Man-Thing: Giant-Sized Man-Thing Two hours of a swamp monster wandering around a Canadian city failing to pass for New York. Howard the Duck is not a hooker with a heart of gold. Stripper.

Maus: Concentrated And Campy Lot more Hitler jokes than you would expect. Art Speigelman is an award-winning artist and writer with a heart of gold.

The Stacks

Follow Us

Google Verification

Follow Us

Follow me on Twitter

© 2021 Thoughts On The Dead

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑