Thoughts On The Dead

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Thoughts On Avengers: Endgame (With Spoily Spoilers)

April 27, 2019 / / 1 Comment
  • No joke, Enthusiasts.
  • Gonna spoil the shit out of this movie.
  • Avengers: Engarde! will be more spoiled than a gas station oyster po’boy left out in the sun and coughed on by Magic Johnson.
  • More spoiled than Ivanka.
  • More spoiled than my tum-tum after eating two pounds of popcorn, and it’s not like I didn’t know what was going to happen: every time I go to the pictures, I buy the Super Duper Jumbo Combo Snack Pack–it’s cost-effective, dontcha know–and then feel grody for hours afterwards.
  • Spoiled!
  • So, if you’re planning on seeing the flick this weekend or whenever, and don’t want to know who dies or who comes back or how much hardcore pornography there is: leave now.
  • (There is an almost uncomfortable amount of hardcore pornography in Avengers: Enkidu’s Revenge. I can’t believe they got Chris Evans to go that far; the man takes more cocks than a chicken thief.)
  • Seriously, spoilers.
  • Make up your minds, Enthusiasts.
  • I’ll provide you with some decidin’ music:

  • Okay, then.
  • You’ve been informed, and I’m assuming you’re consenting.
  • Here we go.
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • I have no idea what happened in Avengers: Encephalitis.
  • There was time traveling.
  • And quips.
  • I don’t know whether the quips came in between incidences of time travel, or vice versa; the quip-to-time travel ratio was just about even.
  • BUT since there were the aforementioned temporal jaunts, none of it made any sense if you thought about it for more than a second.
  • Or less than a second.
  • You really shouldn’t think about this film at all.
  • (Time travel is–IN RE: suspension of disbelief–almost impossible for me to swallow. Guy builds himself an armored super-suit? Sure. Evil robot wants to take over the world? Absolutely. We’re gonna go back to ten minutes before the bad guy gets theNO STOP IT SHUT THE FUCK UP.)
  • Anyway, the movie starts and half the world is dead.
  • The ramifications of this fact are not delved into.
  • A toe is barely dipped into the fact, honestly.
  • We are shown boats anchored around Liberty Island.
  • Why?
  • Dunno.
  • Were there zombies?
  • Seems like you could turn Lady Liberty’s isle into a good fortification against chompers, but we are not informed of any zombies.
  • Citi Field is also in ruins, but that most likely had nothing to do with Thanos.
  • The Mets could do that all on their own.
  • (FUN FACT: even with their park destroyed and half the population disappeared, the Mets were still paying off Bobby Bonilla’s contract.)
  • Captain America goes to a support group meeting; while there, he is supporting of homosexuality.
  • Robert Downey, Jr. has had a daughter.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow helped, but the kid clearly belongs to RDJ.
  • Hawkeye is now executing Yakuza members, for some reason.
  • He’s upgraded from the bow and arrow to a sword, and he has a fashy haircut, and that stultifying family we had to spend 20 minutes with in Avengers: Ultron Gonna Getcha is dead.
  • STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME CARE ABOUT MRS. HAWKEYE, MARVEL.
  • Oh, apropos of nothing: if you use the word “feels,” then you should kill yourself.
  • Right now.
  • Do it.
  • Don’t be a coward.
  • You used a word that irks me, and thus your life is forfeit.
  • EAT THE GUN, PUSSY.
  • Dude.
  • Mm-hmm?
  • You’re reviewing a comic book movie. 
  • Was I being a little intense?
  • Little bit.
  • This isn’t technically a review, though.
  • Whatever is happening here: tone it way the fuck down, muchacho.
  • Gotcha.
  • It’s not much of a spoiler to reveal that everyone who “died” in Avengers: Intricacy Warp comes back to life.
  • Did you really think they were going to kill Spider-Man?
  • Or Black Panther?
  • Do you have any idea what Clarkisha Kent and the rest of Black Twitter would do if they didn’t bring back T’Challa?
  • Or the Disney stockholders?
  • Everybody comes back!
  • Trumpy Chris comes back, Ballyhoo Condiment comes back, the other black guys come back.
  • The cat came back.
  • We thought he was a goner, but the cat came back.
  • Upon the heroes’ return, there was–and you’ll be astonished at this piece of information–a grand battle in which the opposing sides ran directly at one another on an open field.
  • I know that I’ve said this before, but Captain America was literally in the military.
  • That was his rank.
  • Captain.
  • It’s not a nickname, or his nom de punch.
  • He should be able to come up with a better tactic than “LEEEEEEEROY JENKINS!”
  • (Captain Marvel was also in the military, but she was in the Air Force and I don’t think they learn about ground maneuvers beyond “When you see the enemy maneuvering on the ground, press the button that kills all of them.”)
  • Jesus, I’m still nauseous from the popcorn.
  • I’ve forgotten most of the movie already, but the snack lingers.
  • Anyway, the flick has three parts, each lasting around an hour:
    • The Moping.
    • Time Bandits.
    • It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye.
  • Second bit is the best: our heroes go bipping and bopping through the history of the Marvel Corporate Universe stealing Infinity Gems, and they’re inserted in scenes from the previous movies like in Back To The Future 2 (which is referenced twice by the characters) and Captain America gets to fight with himself, because if you are time traveling and meet yourself, you must fight.
  • Those are the rules.
  • And Black Widow dies.
  • Her and Hawkeye–and I feel we glossed over the fact that Hawkeye dealt with the trauma of losing his family in the Snapture by becoming a ninja–go to the planet that looks like Night on Bald Mountain and the Red Skull’s there.
  • “Either of you two Jewish?”
  • “Inappropriate.”
  • “Wow.”
  • He’s got the Soul Stone, right?
  • And he’ll give it to you if you throw a loved one off a cliff.
  • Those are the rules.
  • So Hawkeye and Black Widow start arguing over who’s gonna throw themselves off the cliff cuz they’re superduperheroes and that’s the kind of conversation those types have.
  • Must admit: Marvel subverted my expectations with this one, Enthusiasts.
  • Thought it was gonna be Hawkeye taking that doozy of a first step.
  • Mostly because the Black Widow solo movie has been in pre-production for months.
  • But she bought it, and that was sad.
  • She was such an important part of the MCU.
  • Remember that time she had a husky voice?
  • We’d miss you, but you won’t go away.
  • (You should know that for all my cynicism about Avengers: Engelberthumperdink, I’ve already found a sketchy pirate site that’s streaming a Chinese bootleg and I am planning on rewatching the movie immediately Recall, please, that your humble typist learned to read from Spidey comics, and is utterly incapable of being unbiased about these dumb flicks.)
  • And then there’s the big ending.
  • But it’s no game, this end!
  • World-changing events!
  • NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME, TRUE BELIEVER!
  • Because Robert Downey, Jr. is too old, and Chris Evans wants to be an artist.
  • So they each get their Crowning Moment of Awesome–Tony saves the universe or something, but Cap wields the mighty Mjolnir–and then they die.
  • It is so very sad.
  • An epic finale, a thrilling conclusion, the end of an era.
  • Spider-Man: Far From Home hits theaters July 2nd, 2019.

Thoughts On The Avengers: Endgame Trailer

December 9, 2018 / / 0 Comments

  • Wait.
  • Tony Stark built an Iron Man suit in a cave.
  • From a box of scraps.
  • And now he’s on a warp-capable spaceship chockfull of super-weapons and he’s like, “Fuck it. I give up.”
  • Ah, you’re saying, but in the original Iron Man, Tony had someone to help him.
  • Yes, I’ll answer: Dr. Yinsen, who was a brilliant scientist.
  • Big loss for the team when he died.
  • Tough to replace.
  • But you know who could take over?
  • A space lady who was mostly robot.
  • Seems like she’d know something about computing machines and transistorizing frazmogarbers.
  • Anyway, this is Avengers: The One Where They Bring Back Spider-Man And Black Panther and the film will be quite literally incomprehensible if you haven’t already consumed around 40 hours of Marvel Cinematic Universe content.
  • As is the trailer.
  • A man is sad in space, and then some pretty people are sad in a room, and then a man with a pervert van arrives.
  • This, Enthusiasts, is high-context content: a commercial for a $250 million business venture that is, in essence, an inside joke.
  • There are no super-heroics; barely anyone even moves.
  • Were you not aware of the meaning of the mopery, you might be actively repulsed by this ad, or at least confused.
  • “Where’s the punching? I thought they punched each other in these movies.”
  • But you know, Loyal Marvelite.
  • You know there will be punching.
  • In the last Avengers film, our heroes were faced with an adversary who controlled time, space, reality, spiciness, and whatnot; they responded by punching him.
  • One of the Guardians of the Galaxy pictures featured a villain who was quite literally an entire planet; an entire planet had become sentient and commenced to performing acts of skullduggery and chicanery, and also he’s the main Guardian’s dad, and when the team faced off with him at the end: you guessed it, punching.
  • Complement to the punching, we see kicking and head-butting and whacking with sticks and that thing where Black Widow sticks her vagina on a goon’s skull like a facehugger, but these are the starch and veg to the punching’s protein.
  • Captain America punched a flying aircraft carrier in one movie.
  • In his defense, the flying aircraft carrier called Captain America’s mother a whore.
  • Cap won’t tolerate that kind of guff.
  • (Bores have gone on and on about how Cap, a man raised in the 30’s, would be deliciously racist in 201, but they’re all pointless and wrong because there is no racism in the MCU. Go back and watch First Avenger. The Army was fully integrated in 1945. The Marvel Cinemantic Unicycle is one devoid of any sort of racial tension. There is even a Hispanic now.)
  • So, the good guys have to re-defeat Thanos and restore the lives of half the universe, including several individuals with sequels already in the pipeline.
  • Because Thanos killed half the universe.
  • Here’s a question left unanswered: what if there were an odd number of people in the universe?
  • Do you round up or down?
  • And if his whole goal was to free up resources in order to improve the lives of the remaining half, then why didn’t he do it in a way that wouldn’t cause civilization to collapse?
  • I am not a civilizationologist, but I think that is what would happen.
  • People would freak.
  • I know that.
  • Almost none would take the Snapture calmly.
  • Wall Street would likely suspend trading for a day or two.
  • And all the airports would be destroyed.
  • It’s a stupid plan; it’s as if comic books were for children.
  • But Hawkeye’s back.
  • So if you were wondering, “Dude, where’s Hawkeye?”
  • Wonder no longer.
  • He’s back.
  • Yay.

Thoughts On Avengers: Infinity War Having Actually Seen The Film This Time (Spoiling Within)

May 2, 2018 / / 0 Comments
  • There will be spoilers.
  • And I will drink your milkshake.
  • Drink it right the fuck up.
  • SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSLUP!
  • (I watched There Will Be Blood for the first time last week; I have to say it is a better film than Avengers: Infinity War in every category other than “number of baffling performances by Peter Dinklage,” as Peter Dinklage did not appear in TWBB at all.)
  • So, you know: if you don’t wanna know who’s gonna be resurrected in the next movie, ripcord out of here.
  • Not kidding.
  • I’m a spoilyboi.
  • …
  • You sure?
  • …
  • There are plenty other sites you could get computer-AIDS from.
  • I’m working on it.
  • And by “working on it,” I mean “desperately praying for someone to fix the problem for me like last time something went wrong with the cyber.”
  • Is Barron available?
  • Man, that kid’s gonna put some therapist’s kids through college.
  • Again: SPOILERS.
  • So many things to spoil, too.
  • Cuz half the universe dies.
  • AND SOME OF THEM ARE OUR BELOVED STARVEL HEROES.
  • (I’m just referring to Star Wars and Marvel as “Starvel” now, because having your childhood dreams come true is apparently a curse. Couldn’t some of my adult dreams manifest? The economic security, or the henchmen? I’d even take some of my teenage dreams, even though I do not have the penile endurance for teenage dreams any longer. But these kiddie fantasies of Han and Spidey being everywhere all the time turn out to suck in real life. It’s like living in a fairy tale, but not one of the cleaned-up stories from the pop-up books: the original Bavarian fairy tales.)
  • All right, here we go:
  • Everyone’s dead!
  • But they’re not, because Disney has stockholders and if you even think about killing off Black Panther, they send their proxies to your Malibu house in the middle of the night and beat you to death.
  • Spider-Man, whom they killed, is not dead.
  • Doctor Strange, whom they killed, is not dead.
  • Don Cheadle looks a little dead.
  • Enthusiasts, you know that TotD loves him some Don Cheadle, so you know this hurts me to say: Don, you have aged out of this role.
  • You are officially the old guy at the club.
  • “What the hell is a Migo? PLAY SOME KOOL & THE GANG!”
  • Honestly, they should have killed DC off in Captain America: Civil War and just thrown Wendy Williams in the suit.
  • “War Machine! I need some backup!”
  • “How you durrrrrin?”
  • Okay, so here’s what happens:
  • A purple fellow wants jewelry.
  • White people and Chadwick Boseman do not want the purple man to have the jewelry, for fear of what he will do with it.
  • Maybe he will wear it at an occasion too casual for jewelry of that nature.
  • He is so mean and tough, purple people-eater is.
  • The filmmakers need to show this during his first appearance onscreen, and poor Hulk has to be the Worf.
  • He beats Hulk so bad that Bruce Banner can’t get it up for the rest of the film in what has to be the first gamma-related impotence plot thread in film history.
  • (This is, of course, setting up the brutal beating that the green person will give the purple person in the next film.)
  • Starvel is run by geniuses: you only have to see one, or at the most two, movies to make sense of most sequels, but you need to see at least a dozen flicks for any of this bullshit to be comprehensible.
  • And then the Chrises emerge.
  • Australian Chris, who spent his last film learning that he did not need a hammer.
  • He spends this film looking for a hammer.
  • Wholesome Chris, who now has a beard.
  • He has a new super-suit, which is all-black like Luke’s in Jedi; this is to show how sad he is.
  • Trumpy Chris, who sucks.
  • I’m just so far past “No, thank you” with that guy.
  • Why the fuck are you talking back to Iron Man, doofus?
  • And why are you letting him talk back to you, Iron Man?
  • Speaking of which: Robert Downey, Jr., is now in the “doing an impression of himself” phase of his career.
  • RDJ was RDJing, if that makes sense.
  • And Spider-Man!
  • Whose death scene was undercut just a smidge by the fact that they’re currently in pre-production on his next film.
  • Unless we will be treated to some sort of Weekend at Bernie’s-type scenario.
  • I would like to see that.
  • He’s got one of Tony’s super-spidersuits, but it’s doing all the work and he’s dead inside the sucker.
  • And, like, there’s a smell.
  • And that’s Zendaya’s whole part in the movie: she tags along with Corpse Spidey and when the Hobgoblin says, “Is something dead around here?” she’ll be all, “I don’t smell anything. Maybe you’re having a stroke.”
  • And then Dead Peter starts leaking out of the suit.
  • I would totally see that movie.
  • Spidey’s on some sort of alien planet for most of the movie, because when you think Spider-Man, you think cosmic adventures.
  • I am almost certain that not only was Thanos created digitally for this movie, but so was Benadryl Cupertino.
  • There was something off about that fucker’s face.
  • Please, Lord, do not let me be dragged by Black Twitter for saying this, but: just let the Wakandans speak in their normal accents.
  • American, British, whatever.
  • Couldn’t understand a word.
  • Thanos is from Titan, which is just as made up as Wakanda, but he talks like Josh Brolin.
  • New rule: everyone talk like Josh Brolin.
  • I always get distracted by mundane bullshit in movies like this.
  • Like: where did Thanos get his boots?
  • He had to get his fancy glove made bespoke, so we know that he doesn’t just use his weirdo-powers to zippity-zap his wardrobe into existence.
  • Did Thanos go to the mall?
  • “Gamorra, how do these look?”
  • “WhatEVER, Dad! Can we leeeeeeeeave?”
  • “Am I a sexy daddy?”
  • “Oh my GOD you are embarrassing me!”
  • And so on.
  • “THANOS HAS EXCELLENT IDEAS AND HE IS JUST EXPRESSING HIS FREE THOUGHTS!”
  • Hey!
  • Get out of here, Kanye!
  • “PETER DINKLAGE MADE STRANGE CHOICES IN HIS PERFORMANCE!”
  • …
  • Okay, you’re right there.
  • Peter Dinklage was playing a giant.
  • Which is fucked up.
  • Honestly, Starvel?
  • Fucked up.
  • Vision and the Scarlet Witch have some business to take care of.
  • She gestures.
  • He looks like he’s about to die.
  • That’s pretty much their arc.
  • THE BIG FIGHT SCENE, YAY!
  • Bucky’s back!
  • Said no one with that much excitement.
  • Stop trying to make Bucky happen, Starvel.
  • The bad guys have toothmonsters, and the good guys run at them in an open field so that punching may take place.
  • Instead of, you know, lining up every machine gun and howitzer you can find and opening fire at the toothmonsters from an enclosed position.
  • I thought humanity learned that “running straight at ’em” was a poor tactical decision around 1918.
  • If you’re a Marine and you suggest to your superior officer that the plan should be “engage the enemy at full-sprint with weapons akin to baseball bats,” then you will have to do push-ups.
  • Of all people, Captain America should know better.
  • That’s the first day of boot camp, I would imagine.
  • “If your enemy is in the clear with no cover, then drop as much lead and explosives on them as possible. Okay, repeat that back to me. Rogers?”
  • “Join them in the clearing and whomp ’em in their heads with ranged weapons, sir!”
  • “Go stand in the corner, Rogers! Sick of your shit, boy.”
  • “I’m from Brooklyn.”
  • “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
  • Black Widow continues to be white, and continues her streak of having something to do in the next movie.
  • She’s completely irrelevant to the one you’re watching.
  • But the next one?
  • She’s all over that shit.
  • Starvel better not be thinking that bringing Hawkeye back in Infinity War: Infinitier will be welcomed with cheers.
  • You better have more than that in your pocket, Kevin Feige.
  • Hawkeye’s like that roommate you had that you didn’t mind.
  • Wasn’t your friend.
  • Wasn’t your enemy.
  • You didn’t mind him.
  • And now it’s like seven or eight years later and you run into him at a bar and there’s no way to avoid him and you’re like, “Oh, hey, Hawkeye. What’s up?”
  • And you know he’s gonna talk about archery.
  • Then Nick Fury dies, but he’s already shooting the next one and he kinda says “Motherfucker” but he doesn’t, and now Brie Larson is coming to save the day with her feminism and enormous jaw.
  • Oh, the magic of the movies.

Thoughts On Avengers: Infinity War, Necessarily Spoiler-Free Because Moviepass Sucks The Big One

April 28, 2018 / / 0 Comments
  • Fuck you, Moviepass.
  • Or MoviePass.
  • However the lawyers decided that your name was spelled.
  • Basketball Head is clamoring for a Nobel Peace Prize because of Korea; he’s–as usual–misapprised of the situation, but if he dropped a nuke or two on Silicon Valley, I would support him getting the Prize.
  • Maybe going to the movies didn’t need to be disrupted, huh?
  • Anydoodles, this is what I thought:
  • I understand that a few characters had to die, but the choice to have Iron Man succumb slowly and graphically to pancreatic cancer was an odd one.
  • There was punching!
  • Kicking, but less so.
  • One or two headbutts.
  • Wow, Fangfarter Venus went toe-to-toe with Mr. How’s Your Momma!
  • End-credit scene was just a shot of Kevin Feige in his swimming pool giving the camera the finger.
  • I know Captain America is from the 1940’s and all, but the scene where he angrily screamed, “THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS!” over and over was a bit much.
  • Black Widow was as useful and fascinating a character as ever.
  • How about giving her some armor or something?
  • Also: Black Widow met secretly with Donald Junior and Steve Bannon in October of 2016.
  • YES, it is far more realistic to have Bruce Banner’s pants rip off when he transforms into the Hulk; NO, they should not have made this choice.
  • Imagine a pantyhose leg, green, that’s filled with about a dozen softballs.
  • And flopping all over the place.
  • Very distracting, Marvel.
  • PEW PEW PEW!
  • No, that’s the other Disney property.
  • Oh, right; I get confused.
  • Josh Brolin was fine as Thanos, but I would have preferred Daniel Day-Lewis, if only for the stories of how annoyingly he behaved on set.
  • “Even though they created the character’s look with CG, he still sat in make-up for six hours a morning to get himself all purpled-up. And he made everyone call him Thanos. He would sneak up behind you and growl in your ear, ‘I love death and jewelry.’ It was weird.”
  • Why were there so many explicit tuggers?
  • I couldn’t pick out exactly what was problematic about the movie, but I’m sure Twitter will tell me presently.
  • Using the 5/14/78 Let It Grow as the score for the big fight scene was a left-field choice, but it worked.
  • Worst new additions to the Avengers: Diamond and Silk.
  • There are three blond Chrises in this film, and I refer to them as Wholesome Chris, Australian Chris, and Trumpy Chris.
  • The guy who used to be fat on Parks & Rec?
  • That fucker is Trumpy as fuck.
  • If you looked up “Trumpy” in the dictionary, you would not find it because I just made the word up.
  • And the guy’s picture wouldn’t be there.
  • If you looked in Variety, you could probably find him.
  • He is so hot right now.
  • For those of you thinking, “TotD cannot remember this person’s last name and refuses to look it up,” give yourself an extra slice of pie for dessert tonight; you are so very clever.
  • What the fuck is his last name?
  • Anthemum?
  • Tophercross?
  • Peecritters?
  • I am not looking it up.
  • Fuck that guy.
  • No.
  • No.
  • No.
  • …
  • Pratt.
  • I looked it up.
  • Shame on my whole family.
  • Is he related to the Pratt Institute?
  • I’m not related to any institutes.
  • Had a cousin who was a symposium, but he bought it in the war.
  • You’re just babbling now.
  • I know.
  • Wanna tie this one off and let it fly free?
  • I was going to introduce Kanye.
  • Please don’t
  • He was going to be Yenos.
  • No.
  • “EVERYONE WILL BE WALKING AROUND WITH PURPLE FACES NEXT SEASON BECAUSE OF MY INFLUENTIALITY!”
  • No.

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