Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Big-Dicked Sheila

The Bookstore With No Title

There’s a bookstore in Little Aleppo with no title: it’s just The Bookstore, but that’s not its name, so it’s just the bookstore. It’s been there for a while. Across the street in the House of Inappropriate Trousers, Creepy Ernie says it was here when he took over his shop from the former owner, About-To Be-Murdered-For-His-Shop Dwayne. (There’s a sale this week: 10% off everything in the store, 20% if you’re willing to let Ernie whack you in the nipples with a snorkel.) Sheila, who owns Big-Dicked Sheila’s Hair Salon for Rock Stars and Their Ilk right down the street, swears that the bookstore used to be around the corner on Good Jones Street.

All the men drinking at dawn in the Morning Tavern had their own theories about the bookstore; all the women had two, because women have to work twice as hard. It was best not to ask about the place: you’d be there forever; everyone in the joint were self-taught polymaths in between ideas, or poetic stevedores, or playwrights who liked stabbing people. Inquiring about the bookstore at C.C.H. Pounder’s Head Coverings for Those who can Leave their Foolishness at the Door will get you admonished. For foolishness.

The windows were large, big bays on either side of the door, but piles of books and shelving and some haphazard curtains blocked out most of the sun, and the door was set back a few feet, scuffed and black with nine glass panes on the top half, and a brass knob with an actual latch like a proper door. There was a little bell that went tinkadink when you came in, and the front of the shop was an open space with two tables overflowing with books in no particular order on the right, and a desk on a small stage to the left.

One assumed it was a desk. There was a lamp poking out from the stacks of hardcovers, softcovers, pads, bills, newspapers, folders, and half-eaten sandwiches; occasionally, a phone could be heard ringing from under the mound of papers. Plus, there was a man in a suit sitting at it with his feet up, and that is a very strong clue that the piece of furniture in question is a desk.

“Why the desk was invented, you see,” Mr. Venable would explain occasionally to customers. “The chair was already in use, but when men in suits sat in them, they had nowhere to prop their feet up. These men also required a flat surface for coffee, and hidey-holes for weapons and pornography. Voila: the desk.”

Mr. Venable owned one black suit, or perhaps many black suits that were the same black suit. He did for certain only own one black tie, and he kept that in the bottom drawer of his desk and put it on for funerals, but otherwise he left the collar of his dark red shirt open. One day, a customer asked why he wore a suit every day

“It’s a business,” Mr. Venable said.

The customer agreed, but mentioned that most business-owners were dressing more casual these days.

“Fuck ’em,” Mr. Venable said.

The shop continued past the tables and Mr. Venable’s platform:  two tall double-sided shelves that made three aisles, and the outer walls were row after row of books, too. Beyond the aisles, there was a dogleg to the left and more books, and there was an alcove off that, and up the ladder on your right was the attic, which had more books and several people had never returned from.

The problem with owning a semi-fictional bookstore, Mr. Venable had come to understand, was that–in any universe with even the slightest amount of magic in it–it was a terrible idea to put too many books in the same location. They tried to open a public library in Cahokia, off Route 77, and the place was infinite within days. Mr. Venable knew logically that the books were not humping, and he had never caught any of them in the act, but he was sure that he could hear them at it when it was quiet. It sounded like paper being wadded up, rhythmically.

And it was just books: no coffee, records, toys, magazines, calendars, espresso makers, tote bags, or hand puppets. Just endless miles of books, ten feet in a row of them at a time, and with others stacked on top of them. The place was a browser’s paradise, mostly because Mr. Venable has his own idiosyncratic categorization system.

There was no Fiction, or YA, or Travel. Instead there was Author’s Name Is Murray; and Books About Death (Directly); and Books About Death (Indirectly); and Clearly Made-Up Non-Fiction; and Poetry By Tall Women. There was Cranky White Guy Travelogues, and Mr. Venable put that right next to Overly Long Sci-Fi; within a few days, he was happily reading Paul Theroux bitching about the hyper-railroads on Felicidae IV, Throneworld to the Felis Empire.

Once you found what you were looking for, though, you could really find what you were looking for: Mr. Venable’s sub-sectioning was precise. After you’d found the Horror section, then you could look through the Vampire sub-section, which was broken into Sexy Vampires, Scary Vampires, Tough Urban Vampires, Christian Vampires, and Irish Vampires. (Which is split into further sub-strata: Irish Vampires Who Are Not Bono and Irish Vampires Who Are Bono.)

You could walk around for hours looking for something specific; most people who tried gave up and bought the book they really came in for. Precarious Lee shopped there regularly and had never even attempted to find something particular. He looked for the shop cat, who also did not have a name, and bought the book it was sitting on. What’s the use of going to a magic bookstore if you’re not going to get all hoodoo about it, Precarious figured.

Mr. Venable did not care for cats, or about them; the cat seemed to feel the same way about him. They never squabbled. A bookstore needs an owner, and a bookstore needs a cat, just like a nighborhood–Little Aleppo, in this case–needs a bookstore.

Another Stretch Of Route 77

[PDF] sunset on the american

The sorrow of life is in the living, Precarious Lee’s father often told him before he vanished again, and though Precarious had scrubbed clean his father long ago, he still remembered those words. They came to him steadily, but irregularly. Anything could bring that voice and those words rushing back into Precarious’ ears and he would drift a little. Sometimes, we all drift a little.

And when the world started hammering on his heart, Precarious got in the car and got on the road, and he prayed for hundreds of miles a day; then at night the AM signal would surge and bounce off the ionosphere and into his stereo, and Precarious would sing along to the commercial jingles from cities he wasn’t in.

Precarious slalomed the Appalachian Switchback with aplomb; he didn’t doze off on the 111-mile Hell’s Straightedge; he coasted a 1981 Mercury Cougar all the way down Mount Tamalpais and over the Golden Gate Bridge one time during the gas crisis.

But he always wound up on Route 77.

Route 77 wasn’t supposed to be there, but sometimes reality drifts a little and the Interstate Highway System collided with the Interstitial Highway System like metaphysical jellyfish doing judo; some of the tendrils stuck and one of them was Route 77. The Interstate connects places, but the Interstitial goes between them. It’s a bad idea to run out of gas on the Interstitial.

New York to Chicago in two hours, Macon to Abilene in four, San Francisco to LA in three days. (Route 77 discouraged people from going to Los Angeles.) If you knew where the on-ramp was, that is. If you knew the Rules of the Road. If you could count the exits correctly, as all the signs have been eaten by aluminumophagic mushrooms.  77 was made out of if.

Precarious knew the way. In the day, there was the sun; and at night, there were stars. Plus, he had purchased a map at the gas station. The oaks gave way to brush, and then desert scrub with herds of jackalope and immense colonies of prairie dogs bloodied in their turf battles with prairie cats. Buttes butted engorged gorges. The Rocky Mountains towered above Precarious, and then the Rocky 2 Mountains, which are not as good. There is no speed limit on the scenic pass through the Baby Grand Canyon, but there is no guardrail, either.

Precarious stopped for hitchhikers–this was one of the Rules of the Road, after all–and he was not like some of the other drivers who would project a debt upon his passenger: he had his own grass, and a little gas money wouldn’t hurt but he wasn’t going to ask, and, as for the ass, he was not one to press an issue. Mostly because Precarious had learned that not pressing the issue was the best way to get ass.

He picked up shady loners, and smooth hustlers in need of a lucky day. There were happy and scared young couples and sometimes Precarious would stop the car for someone shrunken in her clothes and she would ask, politely, if it would be all right if she sat in the back. Yeah, of course, Precarious would say. Where you going, he’d ask, and it would always turn out he was going there, too.  He would ask if it was all right to smoke and then he wouldn’t talk, and he wouldn’t look in the rearview. When they thanked him at the end of the ride, he didn’t know if he was a gentleman or a coward.

Precarious was an hour outside Jellystone National Park, which was closed due to an outbreak of super-intelligent bears stealing visitors’ picnic baskets, and then mauling them to death. There was place on the side of the road called the Pioneer Chicken Stand, and when he pulled in, he nearly hit her: she was a slip of a girl, and she was a girl in a slip; it was black, and so was her hair and nails and boots and one sock. (The other was white with green stripes.) Her skin was vampirically pale and the whole effect was a tiny, pretty black-and-white cookie someone had dropped on the floor.

She was still standing in front of the car, and asked, “That an AMC Ambassador?”

Precarious told her that it was.

“’72?”

It was a ’72, he said to her.

“You bought it on purpose?”

Precarious ended up paying for the chicken, and he asked the girl where she was going.

“Anywhere but here. Where’s the most anywhere but here place there is? I want to go to the capital of Anywhere But Here.”

Which was a coincidence because Precarious was going there, too. She sat up front and called out the Latin names of trees and made up vulgar nicknames for the randos in the cars they passed; she filched smokes from Precarious’ soft pack of Camels with abandon, and rolled the window down and rolled the window up and rolled the window down and rolled the window up.

Deep in the canyons, late at night, the radio grew scratchy, and then faint, and then silent. There was a scarf of night overhead, bracketed in by the rock walls, and Precarious listened to the girl tell her story. He thought her childhood was interesting, and then he thought that an interesting childhood is something few children deserve. She had a quick mind, and would have spent her time in the library even if it wasn’t a good place to hide. When she talked about the past, she smiled, but when she talked about the future, her eyes smiled.

Precarious was quiet for a long time while she talked, and after a while he asked if she could, you know: do anything.

“I can cut the shit out of hair.”

On the horizon was an on-ramp to Route 77; it is the road to Little Aleppo, and Precarious downshifted into third and checked the gas gauge. There was gas in the car. When the sun came up, they’d be in California.

The Ambassador rolled a tire on the curb and thumped back down to the street. Precarious had written down many numbers for the girl, and given her some cash and dope. She walked away and then came back and leaned in the window she had left rolled down.

“Forget what you were calling me. I’m Sheila. I’m Sheila now.”

Precarious thought that was fine, and started the car.

“Precarious? The glory of life is in the living.”

He saw her regularly after that, but never forgot those words. They would come back to him in waves and roll over him just like he rolled over God’s own highway.

Precarious Lee let out the clutch and eased into traffic; tour started soon and he had to get home. He had some driving to do.