Oh, noes.
“Dude, I’m in no mood for your shit right now.”
Did you throw away your toothbrush? The burglar most likely stuck it up his ass.
“Dude.”
And you need to throw away any doughnuts you might have.
“Dude.”
Because he most likely hung them on his dick. That happens all the time.
“It doesn’t. It’s an urban legend, and I have no patience for you at the moment.”
“Fuckers.”
I’m sorry, bro. What’d they get?
“Bunch of watches.”
The real ones or the fakes?
“I don’t own any fake watches.”
You are fake watch.
“That doesn’t even make sense!”
Wow, this burglary has made you emotional.
“You’re a shit-man. You’re just made entirely of shit.”
What else did they steal?
“My necklace with the Big Lebowski on it.”
This one?
“Yeah.”
Burglar did you a favor.
“Dude, that was a one-of-a-kind.”
Of course it was. You were the only one dumb enough to buy it.
“It’s a Ben the Baller!”
You have the most embarrassing set of friends.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Is he saved in your phone as “Ben” or “Mr. the Baller?”
“I think we’re about done.”
Did they get any toppermosts?
“No. They probably didn’t recognize how much they’re worth.”
No one ever does.
“But…uh…they got something else.”
It’s not a tape of you saying the N-word. That wasn’t a secret.
“No, not that. Other tapes.”
Oooooohhhhh.
“Yeah.”
…
This is so good for you.
“What? It’s terrible for me!”
Were you fucking strong?
“What?
#FUCKSTRONG?
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Sex tapes aren’t bad any more. People launch their careers from them.
“I don’t need to launch my career. I have a very successful career.”
Successful.
“Please go away.”
Sure. I’ll go away.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Saw that coming.”
Oh, yeah.
…
“Whaaaaaat?”
“Little Potato!”
“Ah, shit.”
“You get burgerfied?”
“Burglarized.”
“The Buggles?”
“My house got broken into and some shit got stolen.”
“Not Lebowski necklace!?”
“Yeah.”
“Is Ben the Baller original!”
“I know!”
“Is no acceptable, Hot Dog Dick–”
“You need to settle on one nickname for me.”
“–and Kim Jong Un on case.”
“What? No. Do not go on the case!”
“I solve. In meantime, I send you delicacies from Only Korea.”
“What the hell are Only Korean delicacies?”
“Single-serving haddock kimchi.”
“Ugh!”
“Is delicious. Father invent haddock.”
“Kim, I have things to do.”
“You go Curveball?”
“I’m gonna hang up.”
“Trey on fire lately.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Any way you can dissuade him from helping me solve the case?”
Even if I could, I wouldn’t.
“That’s what I guessed.”
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