Some will say the penalty for Deflategate should be the loss of draft picks. Others think Coach Bill Belichick should be fired. A few think the Patriots should be barred from the Super Bowl.

The men (and they are all men) stating these opinions are weak-dicked sistersniffers. The penalty for these incredinly serious allegations must be severe and final.

We must nuke Massachusestts.

Hear me out. First off, Belichick’s going to keep doing this shit. Force him out of the Patriots? There isn’t an owner who wouldn’t blow a bus full of hobos to get him. A lifetime ban? For what? Doing this: pssssh? Ray Lewis has a goddamn reality show* and a Super Bowl ring and he (maybe sorta kinda) killed a guy.

So, you can’t get rid of him. And he ‘s not going to change. In fact, Belichick probably engineered the INT that gave the Colts the ball as evidence. He copped to the small infraction, so no one noticed the huge crime, which is that Belichick is breeding Gronks. (“WHY YOU MAKE GRONK?”)

How can the NFL show its corporate values and other things it says it has, or exist? The NFL’s lawyers have indicated that the NFL cannot be proven to not have morals. Or integrity, or whatnot: you know, the shit where you care about other people besides as commodities. Compassion! That’s it.

The NFL must make a stand! Many, many expensive suits must be worn directly at this problem! Children look up to our enterprise, which at its very heart is about fair play and sportsmanship, not just a math equation detailing how to transfer wealth from Group A to Group B via the means of crippling Group C.

Where will this slippery slope lead to? How about Nerf footballs? How about the quarterback has to throw an ocelot? That’d be fun. Why even play football? Why not Lazer Tag?

Where does it all end?

Here. Draw the line, Commissioner Goodell. Drop a nuclear bomb on Massachusetts and rid us all of this meddlesome coach. This is the only possible punishment for this act: begin raining radioactive hell on everything east of the Mass Pike. Or west. The whole state should go, trust me: it’s awful.

 

* I don’t know what the show’s real name is, but in my head it’s called Ray Lewis Screams About Jesus for an Hour.