Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 26 of 198)

The Van Halen Brothers Look Terrible

October 15, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Sammy Hagar.

“WOO!”

Why are the chevrons facing downwards? What rank would that be?

“WOO!”

Nice to see you, too. Hello, Don Was.

“GRRRR.”

Are you a werewolf now?

“GRRRR.”

I guess you’re a werewolf now. Hey, Bobby.

“Howdy.”

I see you’re doing Bobby Picture Pose #2.

“Bringing the old girl back. Hadn’t, uh, broke her out in a while, but it turns out it’s just like riding a bike.”

Sure.

“You just put your hand on your chin and don’t smile.”

Easy as pie.

“Terrible saying. Pie is actually much more complicated than you’d think. And even if you get it right, someone’s just gonna steal it off your windowsill as it cools.”

I never thought of that. Piece of cake.

“Similarly complex. And, uh, it’s a possible security risk. Might be a file hiding inside there.”

Easy peasy?

“Yeah, okay. Peas are a snap.”

I see what you did there.

“Hey, man: I got a new dog, a new band, and the Corvette’s running again. Everything’s coming up Bobby.”

Seize the day.

“Yup, yup.”

An Ace In The Crowd

October 8, 2018 / / 3 Comments

Do you have any–

“I have no idea who any of these people are.”

–have any idea…figured.

“I know that one of them is named James Erection. I suppose that’s a punker.”

Jane’s Addiction, Bobby. Two of the men you’re with were in a band called Jane’s Addiction.

“The same Jane from Truckin’?”

I don’t think so.

“Branford’s here.”

Nope.

Hat, Dog

October 5, 2018 / / 0 Comments

I’m so excited for you. New dog.

“Oh, yeah. Now, uh, we get to name him.”

Got a short list?

“Thinking about giving him one of those scary names. King or Killer or Bill Cosby.”

Don’t call the dog Bill Cosby.

“We’ll see. I usually let my dogs name themselves. They, you know, suggest their own.”

How did Otis suggest his name?

“That is a common misconception. He wasn’t called ‘Otis.’ It was ‘OTUS.’ Short for Of The United States.”

Uh-huh.

“Like POTUS.”

I get it. And why did you name him that?

“Well, he was definitely of the United States. He, uh, never left the country, actually. Not even to Canada.”

Sure.

“How about OJ?”

For the dog?

“Yeah.”

Bobby, please don’t name your new pet after infamous African-American men.

“Bumpy Johnson?”

…

That would be okay.

“Glad I have your approval.”

Here’s The Dog, Star

October 5, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Is that a puppy?

“It is.”

A puppy-wuppy?

“He’s wuppish, I’ll give you that.”

How many dogs is this?

“Well, I got the fluffy one and she’s great. She’s one of the mixes. Snickerdoodle.”

Nope.

“Toasterstroodle.”

Similarly delicious, similarly wrong.

“You know the one. White. Dog-sized.”

Yes, Bobby. Your dog.

“She’s a good dog. Top to bottom, but she’s too damn friendly. The youngest girl is gonna be going away to school soon, and my wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–is gonna be alone in the house. So, uh, this here’s an ass-biting dog.”

German Shepherds are sticklers about protecting their people.

“Oh, yeah. Roman legions used to sic ’em on barbarians. German Shepherd doesn’t like you, it’ll let you know about it.”

You’re a good husband, Bobby.

“Sure, sure. Plus, you know, I got double the amount of dogs now. There’s nothing but upside here for me.”

Congratulations.

Dynamic Duos

October 4, 2018 / / 2 Comments

“Now, uh, did Hall adopt you when your parents died?”

“Huh?”

“You know, train you to fight crime via blue-eyed soul?”

“I wasn’t a Robin, Bobby. Daryl and I were equal partners.”

“Most Robins tell themselves that. Another question.”

“Go to it.”

“Did she actually eat the men?”

“The Maneater?”

“She’s the one.”

“No. Just a metaphor.”

“I was fairly certain. Cannibalism doesn’t seem like one of your themes.”

“It wasn’t.”

“More questions.”

“No problem.”

“Is the ‘that’ in I Can’t Go For That the same ‘that’ as in Meatloaf’s seminal I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)? Sounds like you and Meat are on the same page as far as whatever ‘that’ is.”

“Can I pass on this question?”

“Sure, sure. When you wrote Private Eyes, what came first: the music, the lyrics, or the hand claps?”

“I think I had the riff first.”

“Ah. Is the Rich Girl the one from She’s Gone?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Because that’s a reason to write a sad song right there. When a chick walks out on you, it hurts, but a rich one leaving is painful.”

“I guess, but they’re not about the same woman.”

“Missed a chance to get the Hall & Oates Universe going.”

“Again: I guess.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I should take this.”

“Aren’t we playing a song right now?”

…

“Weir here.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, DO YOU KNOW ELON MUSK’S NUMBER? I NEED TO PLUG MY BRAIN INTO HIS AND MAKE BEAUTY!”

…

“Oates, it’s for you.”

“Oh, I wonder who that could be. This is totes Oates.”

“OATES, I NEED YOU TO PUT ON AN RC COLA COSTUME AND SNEAK INTO DISNEYLAND WITH ME!”

“Is this Kanye? Dude, you need to see a doctor.”

“I HAVE MASTERED DOCTORISHNESS! MEDICINE IS MINE TO COMMAND! HOW ARE YOU COMING WITH THE RC COLA COSTUME?”

“I’m not.”

“DO NOT SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY! I AM YOUR HALL NOW!”

“Hanging up.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

…

“Bobby?”

“Oates?”

“What the fuck was that?”

“That was Ye.”

The Second Great Quintet (Which Was Also The First)

October 3, 2018 / / 7 Comments

From 2/18/71, when Mickey left the band, to 10/19/71, when Keith made his debut, there were not enough Grateful Deads. I mean, really: this is absurd. We need at least two or three more musician, not to mention the fact that this is nowhere near the proper amount of amps. We have here a normal, human amount of amps; that’s not the Dead’s way of doing things. There are also no random naked children wandering around the stage.

It’s just a mess.

Perry, Ye*

October 1, 2018 / / 2 Comments

“Name a, uh, more iconic duo.”

There’s gotta be someone. Abbot & Costello?

“Nope.”

Martin & Lewis?

“Ain’t got nothing on me and Jane here.”

What about Hope and Crosby?

“What about ’em? I’m telling you, man: we’re the tops.”

“THIS IS FAKE NEWS. I AM THE GREATEST DUO OF ALL TIME!”

“Hey, Ye.”

“I LOVE YOU, HAIRY GARCIA, BUT YOU CAN’T BULLY MY FEELINGS. I AM THE GREATEST DUO AND ALSO THIS IS LITTLE SOMETHING.”

“Howdy.”

“YOU WILL JOIN US AS A CAN OF COORS BANQUET.”

“I have some shows lined up, Ye. Can’t do it, pal.”

“PLEASE HELP ME REPEAL THE THIRD AMENDMENT! I WANT MORE BRITISH SOLDIERS IN MY HOUSE!”

“Son, I’m mostly what you’d call ‘new age’ in my beliefs on mental health, but I think the pills might work for you.

“I WANT TO DRINK MYSELF!”

“Huh.”

 

 

*That is fucking GOLD, people.

Private Eyes Of The World*

September 29, 2018 / / 7 Comments

“The problem with you fellas was that you didn’t give the kids stuff to draw on their desks.”

“What?”

“Did Hall & Oates even have a logo?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. What are your fans gonna doodle on their math books if you don’t have a logo? You, uh, should have called us up. We had a dozen. Could’ve sold you one or something.”

“Our fans were a little older than the Dead’s.”

“Juniors?”

“No, Bob.”

“Ah. Seniors.”

“Grown-ups.”

“Oh, you don’t want those. Adults have bills and responsibilities. You want an audience to follow you around all summer throwing cash at you, get some teenagers.”

“Maybe next time.”

“Did, uh, you know that ‘Oates’ rhymes with ‘votes?'”

“I did.”

“Check out my voting jacket.”

“Wow.”

“She’s pretty sweet. Pockets everywhere.”

 

*I was between this one and I Can’t Go For That’s It For The Other One. Right choice?

Sara Smile, Smile, Smile

September 28, 2018 / / 3 Comments

“Do, uh, horses ever try to eat you?”

“I’m not actually made of oats, Bob.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I thought you were confused about my name. Oates.”

“I had absolutely no idea what your name was. I’ve been asking everyone about the horse thing.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I was kind of the Oates in the Dead. Except, you know: good-looking. And I got to sing lead half the time. So, really, not the Oates at all.”

“If you say so.”

“Oh, uh, my lawyer wants me to ask you something. Did you remember listening to He’s Gone before you wrote She’s Gone?”

“Your lawyer, huh?”

“He’s a curious fellow.”

“I don’t recall.”

“Huh. Well, do you have any detailed calendars from 1976?”

“I don’t.”

“Just asking.”

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