Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 65 of 198)

Phoot Phetish

bobby-trey-backstage-bw

“Look at ’em.”

“I’ve seen your feet, Bob.”

“I know, I know. Look at ’em again.”

“Is this, like, your thing?”

“By thing, do you mean fetish?”

“A little, kinda, yeah.”

“No, no, no. Not my fetish.”

“I heard it was yours.”

“You heard I was into old guy feet?”

“Hold your horses, Treyvon: I have the feet of a man half my age.”

“Granted, but I don’t have a foot thing, Bobby.”

“Have you tried?”

“Tried what?”

“Opening your mind, for starters.”

“If having an open mind means I have get off on your hairy toe-knuckles, then I don’t want an open mind.”

“It’s not gay if it’s just feet.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“GUUUUYS! I got a hundred likes on Instagram!”

“Good work, Mike.”

Thank God, The Cavalry

jerry-donna-long-hair-bobby

Hey, Mrs. Donna Jean. Whatcha doing?

“Feelin’ it, sugar.”

I see that. You look like Kate Moss.

“All pretty people look alike.”

Your hair length says to me that you’ve suffered no extended illnesses.

“Okay, that’s enough. Don’t talk to me like you talk to those Burnin’ Man skanks, darlin’. I ain’t gonna contemplate the universe with you.”

Sorry.

“Besides, I’m married.”

What?

keith horse egypt

Oh, Mrs. Donna Jean. I don’t want to do this bit with you.

“IS THIS GUY BOTHER–”

shlummmmph-plop

Did Keith just slide off the horse?

“Looks like.”

Where’d he get a horse?

“Stable?”

Good talk, Mrs. Donna Jean.

I Ain’t No Senator’s Son

trey-bobby-green-light

“What now, Bob?”

“Good question, Troy. The, uh, tour’s over. Got a gig or two. Should probably start on that TV show they paid me to do a year-and-a-half ago.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Then, you know: huh. Lot of possibilities. Garcia’s briefcase is missing. I got a Victory Lap to do. Josh and Katy are due to get into some shenanigans any minute. Storyline after storyline.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Troy, are you familiar with the concept of semi-fic–”

“TREYYYYY! TREYTREYTREYTREY! TREY! Trey?”

“What is it, Page?”

“My dad’s here.”

“Oh, no.”

102352477-mitch-mcconnell

“I disapprove of all of this.”

“Goddammit.”

“Oh, here’s a storyline, Troy. They just pop us like this.”

“Bob, why is everything always so fucking weird around you?”

“Excellent question.”

For The Benefit Of Mr. Barlow

bobby-chimenti-sean-lennoothers

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Group shot.”

Yeah.

“Benefit for Barlow. Hospitals are expensive.”

Better than the alternative.

“Depends on your level of Buddhism, I guess.”

I have zero Buddha-nature. I have Daffy Duck nature.

“I can see that.”

How many of these people can you name?

“I could give ’em all names, if I wanted to.”

No, I meant their actual names.

“Ah.”

“Well, there’s Ramblin’ Jack.”

Of course.

“Other folks.”

There ya go.

“Wait, wait. That’s my keyboardist.”

And his name is?

“I stopped learning their names three or four keyboardists ago. You get attached.”

Sure. Keep going.

“Is the guy on the end Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter?”

Yes.

“Okee-doke.”

Question.

“Is it about the shirt?”

It’s about the shirt.

“It’s me.”

Yeah.

“And it says ‘STFU.’ That means ‘Stop Talking, Focus Up here.'”

It doesn’t.

“Then my daughters are messing with me again.”

Probably. Baller move wearing a shirt your own face on it.

“Victory Lap, man.”

Oh, no capitalizing.

“Billy got to capitalize Summer of Skank.”

It’s October. Summer’s over.

“Nope. Fall of 2016 is officially the Bob Weir Victory Lap.”

Dammit.

“I should probably steal the Earthroamer.”

Yeah, okay.

The Boys Will Be Boys

band-bw-71

Sometimes we go left to right, sometimes we don’t. This is one of those “don’t” times.

  • You could show Lawrence of Arabia on Keith’s forehead.
  • As with all early Dead photos, one member is wearing a silly hat. (Not Pig; Pig’s hat is not silly; Pig’s hat is awesome, but only on Pig. Were any other Grateful Dead wearing the hat, it would become silly.)
  • Calm down, Phil.
  • This might be a shot from Europe ’72, I’m not sure, but it looks cold; someone get Keith a jacket.
  • Later that afternoon, Billy’s mustache and Bobby’s coat made loud, angry love in full view of the students at school for the Deaf.
  • Garcia is friends with a bear, and they have adventures.
  • Also, Garcia is friends with Bear; they, too, have adventures.
  • Seriously, Phil: simmer down.

Bobby, Browne

Two new Dead-related items from FoTotD David Browne winging over the transom today, Enthusiasts, and you should go read them; the first is about the Dead playing the grand opening of the North Face store in North Beach, and two important things happened that day.

First: this was the Dead’s first corporate gig. Later on, they would do Levi’s commercials, and sell ice cream, and a veritable Wall of Merch; every one of these ventures caused Deadheads to accuse them of selling out, but true Enthusiasts know that the Dead began selling out the very instant anyone offered them any money. (Although, North Face could be seen as “clean graft.” It was hip and chic and snow-bunnies and apres-ski were big back then, so it wasn’t like hawking toothpaste or anything.)

Second: this may have been the first time the Hells [sic] Angels were used as security, and that turned out to be a miscalculation down the line.

(The article is in Men’s Journal, and after ten minutes of poking around the site, I have come to a conclusion: men don’t like being outdoors as much they like buying geegaws to facilitate being outdoors.)

The other piece is in Rolling Stone, and it’s an interview with Bobby. There’s an illustration that goes with it, and the artist was laboring under the delusion that he was working for the Wall Street Journal. Look:

bobby-cartoon

Right? Like he’s written an op-ed about the primacy of copyright law, or how climate change can best be cured via the free market.

Now, do I accuse David Browne of things? Yes, of course, obviously. I could not accuse the man more vociferously; there is much vocifer in my accusations. Was I discussed? I was not, Enthusiasts, though I found several allusions. (You can find allusions to yourself in anything if you’re crazy enough.)

There is an interesting exchange, though, in which Bobby talks (just a little, and obliquely) about the rumors of waywardness and dipsomania that sprung up that year he kept falling over in public. Bobby brings it up first, and then David asks him about it, and then Bobby starts talking about 1972. Go read it; I’m not lying.

Ki-Yi-Bobby

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“I ever tell you about the summer I spent on a ranch?”

Once or twice.

“Yeah?”

It’s pretty much your origin story.

“On Saturday nights, local, uh, friendly women would swing by the bunkhouse.”

Really.

“They had this old Caddy, from the 40’s. Could hear the thing miles off. Girls piled in it. Like a clown car, but more makeup.”

Sure.

“It would beĀ  good time, y’know? I’d play guitar and Pervert Chuck would sing from in the closet.”

In the closet?

“He got overexcited around the girls. Boundary issues.”

What about when the girls weren’t there?

“Then he’d molest the guys.”

Sure.

“But, you know: a fellow could handle himself. The girls just didn’t want to deal with it, so in he went. One of ’em would go in there and take care of him before they left, but Chuck couldn’t be trusted free.”

Nice of you to sing with him while he was locked in the closet.

“Nothing nice about it. Man had the voice of an angel. Hands of a pervert, but nobody’s perfect.”

Nope.

“There’d be dancing, and foolin’ around. Bottles going around, and food. Bunkhouse had a great cook.”

What was his name?

“Cookie.”

Of course.

“That’s the law. Any sort of western setting? Gotta be called Cookie. Then, later in the night, the ladies would take the guys out to the Caddy.”

Fun times.

“Sure.”

You ever indulge, you sly dog?

“Course, yeah. But, you know: didn’t have to pay.”

Really? Why?

“You ever seen a picture of me at age 15?”

Good point.

“I was a twink. Now I’m a bear, but I was a total twink.”

Why do you even know those terms?

“If I was a teenager these days, at least two high school teachers would be in jail because of me.”

This has gotten weird.

“Maybe I’d be a camboy.”

WHY DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?

“Internet.”

Yeah, okay.

Black-Voted Wind

bobby-vote-pointing

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Pointing.”

I see.

“Sign’s real bright, sure. But, you know: there are color-blind folks out there. Maybe they wouldn’t understand what to look at.”

Thoughtful of you.

“You bet. We had a color-blind section at shows. Just like the Deaf section.”

Why?

“So we’d know who not to try to sell tie-dye shirts to.”

Sure.

“Solid colors and sharp contrasts is the thing.”

So who you voting for, Bobby?

“Reagan.”

I meant this year.

“So did I.”

Good talk.

Neither Of These Men Is Rappaport

bobby-billy-mexico-ad

“What’s this bullshit now?”

“We’re, uh, going to Mexico.”

“Shit, what’d we do?”

“We’re not fleeing the country, Bill.”

“Hail of bullets trying to cross the border, man. Gypsy told me that’s the way I go.”

“I think we’re gonna fly.”

“Oh, that’s okay then. The fuck we doing in Mexico?”

“Gig.”

“Which band we bringing this time?”

“The, uh, Cheese People Something-Or-Other.”

“That don’t sound right.”

“Sally Ride and the Nancyboys.”

“I’d go see them. Don’t think so, though.”

“Snafu Mattress.”

“You’re just randomly firing your synapses out loud, Weir.”

“Could be, yeah. Whatshisface is coming. Keyboardist.”

“Tall one or dead one?”

“Neither.”

“New Brent?”

“Is that his name?”

“No idea. Mexcio, huh? La skanka.

“You bet. You’ll have yourself a time.”

“How do you say, ‘Go wash your butthole,’ in Spanish?”

“Ask your watch.”

“Hey, Siri. How do you say, ‘Go wash your butthole,’ in Spanish?”

“Vaya a lavarse el culo.”

“Thanks, Siri.”

“The future, huh?

“Mexican skank! That’s the future, Weir. Gonna plow Mexican skank and make Mexico pay for it. They’re gonna pay.”

“Yup.”

“First thing I do when I get down there, I’m gonna stage a billfight.”

“You mean a bullfight?”

“Nah. Billfight. Wanna know what it is?”

“Gonna have a billfight.”

“Hey, Weir: I’m gonna have–”

“What’s a billfight?”

“Find a skank on her period, make her flash red, and gore her.”

“Always a pleasure, Billy.”

“La skanka!”

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