OVAL OFFICE – AUGUST, 2018 – MORNING
“Kellyanne?”
“Here, sir.”
“Kellyanne? Where’s my Kellyanne?”
“Standing right next to you, Mr. President.”
“Kellyanne?”
“Why are you looking straight up? How could I be up…sir, I’m just going to lay my hand on your shoulder.”
“Oh, there you are. Kellyanne, we’re gonna call this Bob Woodward and I’m gonna be really, really, really tough on him. Sleazy guy, Bob Woodward, everyone says it. Was he the Jewish one?”
“No, that was Bernstein, sir.”
“The Jew rubs off on you! Look at Ivanka. She was normal! Couple years of Jarred and now she’s Jewish as hell. Maybe it happened to Woodward, we’ll never know. We could test him. Kellyanne, what’s the Jew test we use?”
RICTUS GRIN NOISE
“I have Bob Woodward on the phone for you, sir.”
“No one–and I mean no one–works those phones like the people I hire. Remember when I met you, Kellyanne? I had you show me you knew how to use the phone so well, and I was really, really impressed. Not one missed digit, not one. Obama’s people would misdial constantly. Constantly. Maybe that’s a thing with those people. I mean: they can’t swim, so who’s to say they understand phones?”
“He’s on the line, sir.”
“Woody!”
“Bob is fine, Mr. President.”
“Which one were you, The Sting or Michael Corleone?”
“Um. Are you referring to All The President’s Men, sir?”
“The documentary they made about the rats who brought down the great patriot Richard Nixon, who people were very unfair to.”
“Right, documentary. I guess I was The Sting. And the other guy was Dustin Hoffman. He didn’t play Michael Corleone.”
“Kay. Just this once. Just this once, Kay. Are you talking to me, Kay? I don’t see anyone else in here, so you must be talking to me, Kay.”
“You’re getting, like, nine movies all mixed together, sir. I’m going to turn on my tape recorder with your permission.”
“Tape recorder. I should call you Omarosa!”
“Yes, sir.”
“Because she was in here with the bugging and the taping, horrible stuff.”
“I understood the reference sir.”
“Real sleazy woman. Maybe that’s on me I thought she was a good one like Jim Brown. You ever meet Jim Brown? Such an impressive man. Mind’s always working, bing bang boom, and he always says to me, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for all the good you do for the blacks.’ Because the blacks won’t help themselves! I give them the lowest black unemployment in 43 years, and most of them are incredibly ungrateful. But Jim Brown gives me credit. Great man. He was a running back.”
“Mr. President, did you have a specific reason in placing this call to me?”
“I hear you have a new fake book coming out about me, and I’m amazed. I say to Kellyanne, ‘Why hasn’t Bob Woodward reached out to me?’ We had such a lovely talk in Trump Tower when you were going to write about me, and I thought we had that special something. I sensed loyalty, but now I hear about this fake book and I haven’t been called.”
“I actually spoke to Kellyanne several times and requested that she ask you about a meeting.”
“Never. I never heard that.”
“I did, sir.”
“Yeah, she said something to me. But did you speak to Sean Hannity?”
“No, sir.”
“That’s the best way to get me a message. How do you write a fake book without speaking to the subject? I’m very busy, probably the hardest-working president of all time, but I remember our lovely talk in Trump Tower and I think you had a Whopper. Were you the Whopper? Whopper is okay, but they used to do something called the Whopper Junior that was maybe the greatest sandwich out of all of them. Discontinued it! You had the Whopper, right?”
“Mr. President, I would have to look at my notes to agree or disagree with that statement.”
“We could have discussed so many wonderful things, but you didn’t get to me. I didn’t hear you wanted to see me!”
“Senator Graham told me to my face that he spoke with you about meeting me.”
“Sure, Lindsey said something, but who can get past that voice of his? You talk to everyone, Bob: he’s a fairy, right? Swishy boy?”
“I do not know anything about the Senator’s private life, sir.”
“I’m just going by the vibe, but I can spot those. When I did The Apprentice, which was so successful for NBC and now they’re so jealous of me that they lie about everything, there were gays everywhere. Makeup, wardrobe, all the things they do. And each one of them would tell me, ‘Mr. Trump, no one spots gays like you.’ Gaydar. They called it gaydar. I can walk down the street, bing ding dong, pick ’em right out of the crowd.”
“Sir.”
“Name names.”
“I’m sorry, sir?”
“Who did you talk to in my office? You have to tell me who you talked to. It’s like when you ask a cop if he’s a cop. Rudy Giuliani says that’s not really the law, but he’s a goddamned idiot. Only person dumber that works for me is Sessions. I should make those two fight to see who keeps their job.”
“Yes, sir. I need you to know that I put forth maximum effort trying to get an interview with you. It’s not good, if I may say, for my business not to give you a chance to respond.”
“Well, no one ever told me anything. Lindsey said something, but nobody ever said anything. You should have talked to Kellyanne.”
“I did. Is she still there, sir?”
“Lemme check. Kellyanne? Kelly–”
SKINNY AMORAL WOMAN SNATCHING A TELEPHONE HANDSET FROM A FAT AMORAL MAN NOISE
“I’m here, Bob. Right here. How are you?”
“Wonderful.”
“Kellyanne, did you send my request for an interview to the president?”
“When did you make a–”
“We met at Occidental Grill & Seafood on January 7th, 2018. I arrived at 12:53, and you followed at 1:09. You had the Occidental Chopped Salad; I ordered the Jumbo Lump Crab Cake. We discussed, among other topics, my desire to interview the president about domestic and foreign policy. You told me that you would speak directly with the president about the matter. I recorded the conversation, and there are photos and receipts documenting the entire encounter.”
…
“You’re not dealing with Michael Wolff anymore, Kellyanne. I’m Bob fucking Woodward.”
“I’m putting the president back on the line.”
“Mm-hm.”
TINY FINGERS SCUTTLING OVER A TELEPHONE HANDSET NOISE
“Sean?”
“No, sir. It’s not Sean Hannity. It’s Bob Woodward.”
“It’s gonna be a fake book, Bob. We could have done something so beautiful together, but you never reached out to me and the fact is that everyone is recognizing what a great job I’m doing, probably the best ever, and over the years more people will come to see it. A lot of people feel that way, Bob.”
“Your time in office will be studied by scholars and students for a long time, sir.”
“What a lovely compliment, very kind and true. That’s what I like to hear.”
“Mm-hm.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
(You know I’m not making this shit up, right?)
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