Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bruce hornsby (Page 4 of 7)

Bruce Hornsby Unchained

May 3, 2015 / / 0 Comments

This article from The New Statesman about Bruce Hornsby is a damn fine way to spend a few minutes learning about everyone’s fourth favorite Bruce. (Springsteen, Banner, McCullough.) Well written and detailed, the piece leaves you with the rarest of things: a lingering smell of the subject in your nose.

To read this article is to smell deeply of Bruce Hornsby. To not be able to remove his scent in the shower. To also fail with a tomato soup bath. It’s just not coming off, so you go see a doctor and the good news is that you don’t actually smell like Bruce Hornsby, but you do have a brain tumor pressing up against the part of your brain that regulates whether or not you think you smell like Bruce Hornsby.

Except, the tumor is easily operable. But, the surgeon shows up drunk. However, the surgeon’s much like Jackie Chan in Drunken Master and surgeons better when he’s shitfaced; he saves your life. Yet, one of the nurses reports him for his insalubrious ways, and the surgeon loses his license and–blaming you–stalks you with a crossbow and shoots you in the head while you’re eating chicken wings at Friday’s. The arrow, coincidentally, hits the part of your brain that regulates whether or not you think you smell like Brice Hornsby..

Please stop this.

Fine. I will say this, though: The New Statesman is apparently a British newspaper, but I can’t figure out which side it’s on, and it uses this sentence as an enticement to click a link:

“The Battle for the Soul of Essex Man – How are Labour going to Win in Places like Harlow?”

I know those are English words, but for the life of me: nothing about it makes sense. Plus: is. Labooooooor is a collective noun. How IS Ye Olde Labour going to win.

A Quiet Moment With Bruce Hornsby

March 11, 2015 / / 0 Comments

bruce-hornsby-29Hey, Bruce. Whatcha doing?

“Getting in touch with nature, white guy-style.”

And that is?

“Surveying my property while mulling over the developer’s offer on it.”

It’s not quite the relationship with Mother Earth that, say, the Arapahoe had.

“Arapahoe didn’t have payroll to make.”

Granted. You looking forward to July?

“Sure. It’s gonna be fun. Bobby and Mickey sent me down to where they’ve been buying their clothes all these years–”

You went to Little Aleppo?

“–and they hooked your boy up. Check out my steez.”

bruce_hornsby“Am I on fleek? How much fleek do I have? Rate my fleek.”

…

“On a scale of one to ten, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest: where is my fleek? You’ve got a good eye for that, fleek.”

…

“You haven’t said anything.”

I have not, no.

“So: it’s so on fleek that you’re speechless?”

I have nothing to say; if you choose to categorize that as being speechless, I shall not stop you.

…

“Am I or am I not–”

Please stop saying fleek, Bruce Hornsby.

“–on fleek?”

Bruce Hornsby & The Ginge

March 7, 2015 / / 0 Comments

trey bruce bacjstage

“Trey, how many tickets you get a night?”

“I don’t think we need tickets, Bruce. We’re the band.”

“No, no: when you made your deal, how many tickets a night did you get?”

“None. You got tickets? How many?”

“Ten a night.”

“Why?”

“You see what they’re going for? Ten tickets a night for three nights is around a hundred grand.”

“It’s a little shady, isn’t it?”

“Shit, at least I’m actually selling the tickets, and not just advertising them on Craigslist and robbing the potential buyers.”

…

“Billy?”

“Well, duh.”

Where The Meet Hits The Street

March 3, 2015 / / 4 Comments

IMG_1419

“Bob?”

“Sure, Bruce?”

“Did you invite all these people to join the Dead?”

“Sure did, Bruce.”

“And did you bring Vince here with the Time Sheath technology?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And Phil is where?”

“It’s raining, and he didn’t want to get the Ferrari wet. I’m sure one of these folks plays bass.”

…

“Bruce?”

“Yeah, Bob?”

“Um…you know about Time Sheath technology?”

“Dude, the first week I was in the band, you shanghaied me back to the 20’s to double-team Amelia Earhart.”

“Now I remember. She was a fun gal.”

“Yeah.”

…

“Does Billy look like a founding father?”

“Yes, he does.”

Shutter

February 25, 2015 / / 7 Comments

phil bobby jerry bruce shorts wow

Tossed over the transom by YumCum–

SpamJam.

–whatever, this photo from the night my new best friend and political mentor Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) attended might occupy a bit of time and space. There is not one acceptable thing about it. I’d say that we’ll go left to right, but we all know I’m going to be making repeated trips back to Phil, so let’s just begin to look at this bullshit.

(The photo blows up nice and big and clear and you just hit the “enhance” button as many times as you can because you want to say as much of this as possible. This is the Dead version of the Hubble’s Deep Field picture, except instead of seeing infinite galaxies as you zoom in, you see infinite bullshit.)

  • We start easy with Phil and note that he wearing either Keds or Cousin Eddie’s white loafers from National Lampoon’s Vacation.
  • Bobby’s hitting the Jimmy Buffet show after this.
  • The SuperCuts that Jill always takes Phil to had burned down (Garcia) so Jill took him to their less-popular competitor MiddlingCuts.
  • Which was closed, so she did it herself. You can’t see it, but she cut the bejeezus out of Phil’s left ear.
  • Holy shit, are those jeggings, Garcia?
  • Everyone needs to stop using the Time Sheath technology to go shopping.
  • We can assume that the drummers are up to some bullshit, but can’t see them. I mean, statistically: Billy’s so drunk that he’s no longer racist and wearing a shirt that, in defiance of God’s love, is both tie-dyed and Hawaiian at the same time; and Mickey’s got some sort of smart condom attached to his dong and is trying to make music with his boner, but we can’t verify these things. Therefore, the drummers win this photo by default.
  • Is Bobby wearing Dead sneakers?
  • There are Dead sneakers?
  • If so, how have I not seen Mickey wearing them?
  • Bruce looks like he’s gonna ask you about the drive over and whether you want a hot dog or a hamburger.
  • Bobby got his socks at Tan Francisco’s Vague Mexican Food and Hosiery. Francisco (who was simply courting skin cancer) sold only the finest in…socks? Leg warmers? They definitely went on your feet. While you were there, you could order a taco or a burrito or an enchilada. You could order whatever the hell you’d like, but you received some stuff wrapped up in a corn something.
  • Phil looks like the Target assistant manager who got fired for killing all those people.
  • Plus, he’s singing. Yay.
  • If you were naked and in public and someone offered you your choice of anything being worn in this picture, you’d choose the accordion. The accordion is the most acceptable thing in this picture.
  • Do you realize how tough that is in a non-Bavarian setting?

Bruce Honsby & The Ginge #7

February 19, 2015 / / 3 Comments

trey bruce bacjstage

“So, Mickey sent you a book about telepathic ants?”

“Bruce. Dude. You…have…ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA what is going on with these hoopleheads and their books.”

“A lot?”

“Three UPS guys have had nervous breakdowns. Alone, Phil has sent me half-a-ton of literature.”

“Really?”

“And it’s all the same book.”

“That bullshit about aliens building the pyramids?”

“Bingo. Me and the kids built forts out of them and had Nerf battles.”

“So, you should thank Phil for that family moment, then.”

“Yeah. They grow up so fast.”

“Mickey send you anything else?”

“Y”know at the end of Oprah or Dr. Phil, when they ask if you want a printed transcript? And you wonder who would ever want such a thing?”

“Mickey?”

“Old episodes of Donahue. Like, ten years worth.”

“Bound?”

“Well-bound. Mickey had loved these things.”

“Look through ’em?”

“Little bit.”

“Learn anything?”

“The Cold War was much weirder than we remember it being.”

…

“Trey?”

“Yeah, Bruce?”

“Did Billy send anything?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Was it pornography? It was pornography. Pornography?”

“What he sent me was to pornography what pornography is to children’s cartoons. If you were aroused by it, you would have to immediately change your entire lifestyle and buy new clothes, one’s that didn’t stain easily. It was basically terrorporn. It was porn as a terroristic act: in a metaphorical sense, what Billy sent me was a collection of planes flying into boners and the boners collapsing and then a tribute concert to the boners that ended with Paul McCartney leading a super-jam.”

“So, more than triple-X.”

“At least 14 or 15 X’s. Plus, he sent me a few boxes of shit from his garage: broken leafblower, opened cans of paint, that kind of shit.”

“You could fix the leafblower, Trey.”

“We kinda hire a guy to do that, y’know? I really don’t need a leafblower. That weirdo fucking drummer of mine probably start taking twenty-minute solos on it, anyway.”

“Drummers.”

“Drummers.”

“Bobby send you any books?”

“He did not.”

“Yeah.”

…

“Bruce?”

“Yeah, Trey?”

“They send you any inspirational books?”

“No, they’re not worried about me.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Zone Defense

February 7, 2015 / / 0 Comments

bruce bored

Bruce likes to have some elbow room when he goes to basketball games, so he lays down a fusillade of sloppy chili farts at the opening whistle and has the place to himself soon thereafter.

Also: the way to prevent teen pregnancy with 100% reliability is to make teen girls’ clothing out of the exposed skin between a white guy’s sock and pant leg. That two-inch strip of eggshell-colored flesh is the least sexy thing in the universe.

Bruce Hornsby & The Ginge #5

February 3, 2015 / / 4 Comments

trey bruce bacjstage

“You think we’re allowed to suggest covers?”

“I don’t know, man. We only got so much time and so many shows, y’know?”

“Yeah, sure, right.”

…

“Aw, fuck, man: did you teach Bobby how Tweezer goes?”

“Well, they played Stander on the Mountain when you were in the band.”

“Poorly. They played it poorly. And that was 1992 in Wisconsin. Stakes were a bit lower.”

“You think maybe there’s a more appropriate Phish song to cover?”

“Uh, sure. Yeah. Yes.”

…

“You don’t know any of our songs.”

“I most certainly do.”

“Name one.”

“Well, there’s the one that’s all “boing-y” sounding.”

“That’s all of them. Name one Phish song, Bruce.”

…

“The werewolf song.”

“I’m gonna take a little break.”

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