“Good evening, you’re watching CNN. I’m Chris Cuomo, and I’m the Eli Manning of my family. Tonight, we are joined by President Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, the former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani.”

“I loved your father, Chris.”

“You always mention that.”

“Fuck your brother.”

“You always say that, too. Rudy, disturbing allegations are coming out about this whistleblower’s report. To recap: a member of the Intelligence Community claimed whistleblower status in detailing an alleged abuse of power by the President. This report, however, has not been shared with Congress at the order of the Acting DNI. This is in direct violation of the law.”

“Law, shmaw.”

“No”

“Anything the President does is legal. And classy. Legal and classy, unlike Hillary Clinton. She is a criminal, and she’s very tacky.”

“Rudy.”

“And a whore. Tacky whore.”

“Hey! We’re not going to do that again. I told you after your last appearance.”

“She takes money for sex! Chris, she takes money for sex. What would you call that?”

“Stop it. Just stop it. There are now multiple sources claiming that the nation involved was Ukraine. You have been trying to link Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, to improprieties in Ukraine for a while now. Does this have anything to do with that?”

“Absolutely not.”

“No?”

“Yes, it does.”

“That was quick.”

“The fact is that Hunter Biden eats children.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Savagely. Tears right through them. Goes for the pancreas first. Sick son of a bitch calls it ‘sweetbreads.’ That’s what Hunter Biden got up to while he was in Ukraine. Which CNN doesn’t want to report.”

“Because it didn’t happen.”

“That’s what needs investigating! There’s been no inquiry at all into the youthful, foreign cannibalism. The boy went wrong at some point, probably due to his father being a socialist, and he started eating children. All we were doing was trying to get to the truth.”

“Rudy.”

“And justice. Justice for those children. Little, uh, Bababooey or whatever.”

“Rudy.”

“I don’t know what Ukrainians name their children. Something stupid, I’m sure.”

…

“Love vodka.”

“The Ukrainians?”

“Them, too.”

“Rudy, did the President talk to the Ukrainian President about coming up with dirt on his political rivals?”

“The President talks to a lot of people about a lot of things! Baseball. He loves talking baseball. Pussy. The man loves talking pussy. We talk about you sometimes. He’s not a fan.”

“But what did he speak to the Ukrainian leader about?”

“The injustice. Have you seen the black unemployment figures?”

“This is not about–”

“Many more working blacks. When Donald Trump is President, blacks work. Virtually every black has a job.”

“–the black unemployment figures. Did the President promise a foreign leader something in return for dirt on political enemies?”

“Of course!”

“Of course?”

“Chris, you need to grow up. This is how politics work. One hand washes the other. But sometimes, the second hand doesn’t wash back, it sells the first hand $500 million in arms.”

“So, the President promised the Ukraine arms in exchange for information that would damage Joe Biden?”

“He can! That’s in the Constitution.”

“Not at all. It is a stunningly impeachable offense. Almost laughably impeachable.”

“Chris, You know I was at your Confirmation.”

“I do, Rudy.”

“You’re still a little bitch.”

“I told you to stop that. Did the President–”

“I did it.”

“What?”

“I was the one who made the offer to the Ukrainians. I did it on the President’s instructions.”

“Then that’s the same thing as him doing it.”

“Really?”

“Legally, yeah.”

“Okay. Then, I did it on the President’s behalf.”

“What’s the difference?”

“He didn’t know.”

“You–Rudy Guiliani–negotiated an arms deal with Ukraine without the President’s knowledge?”

“I do a lot of stuff like that. Sometimes I sign documents for him. I authorized three commando raids this month alone. The papers were just sitting there, so I faked his signature, and boom: dead terrorists. Or American troops. Dead someone, anyway.”

“When was the President informed of your actions?”

“Well, I would assume he’s watching now. Hey, boss!”

“We’ll be right back.”

 

 

I’m not making this up:

You saw that, right?