I can hear you. Chattering, gossiping, whispering amongst yourselves. I can even hear your thoughts. (FUN FACT: Dune got it right. Thoughts sound very echo-y.) And I know you want me, your humble interlocutor, to weigh in on the vital issue of which lighter is the best. Pandemic, economic collapse, federal government morphing into the third act of The Hills Have Eyes? Forsake these topics, you cry! Lighters, man. That’s what we wanna read about.
I can also hear those of you thinking, “Huh. His complete mental collapse perfectly coincided with his running out of material.” I can hear that shit, and it hurts my feelings.
Thusly, we dive into whatever the fuck we’re doing here:
ZIPPO, BUT NOT SOME OF ‘EM Not the ones with flags or Elvis or Bugs Bunny stamped on. Zippos can be engraved, but not painted on. And they have to be silver. Up to you whether you like brushed or shiny, but silver’s the only option. Under no circumstances can you perform Zippo tricks, and you most certainly cannot light them by snapping your fingers. If these rules are followed, then the Zippo is the best lighter.
BIC CLASSIC Pleasing shape. Surprisingly long-lived. Reliable. A variety of colors, and some have the logos of sports concerns printed on them. Plus, the Walgreens by me leaves a big bucket of them in front of the cash register, which makes them free. Not as cool as the Zippo, but if you try to light a doobie with a Zippo in front of some people, you get a lecture.
MATCHES Not a lighter. Should not be on this list.
DJEEP The guy you bought pot from in college had a Djeep lighter.
BUTANE TORCH If you are smoking something that needs a butane torch to light, then you need to go to rehab. Right now. Fine, you can have one more hit, but right after that we’re checking you in.
RUBBING TWO STICKS TOGETHER Also not a lighter, just like the matches. C’mon, man. Lemme get through this.
OLD-FASHIONED TABLE LIGHTER The only people who own old-fashioned table lighters are diplomats and sexual predators. You walk into someone’s house and they have an OFTL? Run! Or negotiate a treaty.
FANCY-SCHMANCY, LIKE A DUNHILL OR WHATEVER You know what I mean. This bullshit:
Can everyone else see the Easter island head eating the vertical corn-on-the-cob?
Besides being ugly, as all things gold surely are, they are as expensive as you would assume, and anyone who spends more than $20 on a lighter is an asshole. Got one as a present? Fine by me. Dad gave it to you? Cherish it. Found one at a garage sale for a tenner? Nice pick, muchacho! But if you pay full-boat retail for one of these things, I don’t wanna know you. Christ, look at that bastard. That lighter is a Marxism-inducing object.
THESE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS Right here, these fuckers:
MOTHERFUCK THESE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS. These are the cheapies, usually 99 cents, and there’s a good reason for that: these gimcrackity junksticks break before they run out of fuel, and they do it every time. Perhaps this is because they’re manufactured in–and I looked this fact up–Yuckistan, in a factory staffed by workers who had, until the previous week, lived a nomadic lifestyle; I cannot prove this hypothesis. Regardless of the cause, the symptom of the shoddy build is that the flint yeets itself out of its home, or the casing cracks, or the sparkwheel locks up and any attempt to fix the fucker just makes it more broken.
Making it worse, obviously, is that these motherfuckers are so regularly made of clear plastic like the one shown. The remaining fluid taunts you. It mocks your impotence. What’s worst: It disobeys you. If you purchase a liquid–at fair market value, mind you–then you should be able to turn it into a gas. That’s a basic human right.
Although when they do prematurely kick off, you can hurl them against the sidewalk, where they explode quite attractively.
LIGHTING A DOOBIE OFF A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, THEN HURLING THE BOTTLE AT THE COPS Cool. Very cool. Probably only get to do it once, though.
BARBECUE LIGHTERS I don’t know why lighting a cigarette with a barbecue lighter is trashier than lighting one with a Bic, but it is.
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS DON’T WORK, EITHER These motherfuckers:
Fuck these clicky motherfuckers.
USING A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO FOCUS THE RAYS OF THE SUN ONTO KINDLING I told you to cut that shit out. You’re incredibly unprofessional.
EAT MY ASS WITH A KNIFE AND A FORK This is what I’m talking about! This is the behavior I was referencing.
TUCK IN, HUNGRY BOY FUCK YOU, FUCKY!
Guys. This is gonna stop right now. We can’t have this in here.
HE STARTED IT I clearly did not.
I don’t care. Shut the fuck up.
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