Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
“Hey, Dan. So excited to be on the show.”
“That was last week, Bob. You’ve been at the Peach Festival since then.”
“I was in Georgia?”
“The Peach Festival is in Scranton, PA.”
“Well, that makes no sense at all.”
“Neither does paying money to see Blues Traveler in 2015, and yet: it was this weekend.”
“Ah.”
…
“Wanna get shitfaced?”
“Yes, Bobby. Yes, I do.”
“All right, then.”
“Bobby, this has been a blast.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“But before we go: lightning round.”
“Ooh. Love this game Okay: we going punch-for-punch or is there money on the line?”
“What?”
“Let’s play the feud!”
…
“Do you know what’s going on here, Bob?”
“Kinda.”
“Good enough. Lightning round. Here we go: Woodstock.”
“My good buddy.”
“Not the bird, the concert.”
“Muddy.”
“Egypt.”
“Sandy.”
“Pecan.”
“Also sandy.”
“Friend.”
“Jimi Hendrix.”
“Shoe.”
“Enemy.”
“Short.”
“Shorts.”
“Has Billy made a run at Katy Perry?”
“Two.”
“Always a pleasure, Bob.”
“I have no idea who you are.”
“Join the club.”
“We’re back for more in our intimate conversation with Bob Weir, who is wearing sandals. Bob, the band said that Chicago was going to be it, but now there are more shows. Possibly a whole tour.”
“The songs weren’t finished with us.”
“What does that mean, Bob?”
“No idea, but I’ve been repeating it at every reporter in sight for a few weeks now, and it seems to make them happy.”
“Sure.
“But Phil Lesh will not be joining you. Why is that.”
“Well, he sent me a text about it: I’ll read it to you. Ahem. ‘Would rather put shotgun in mouth, pull trigger with toe, than deal with one more second of Grateful Dead bullshit. Please do not read this text to Dan Rather.’ Dammit.”
“We can edit that out.”
“In a lot of ways, that’s Phil’s fault: he should’ve put the second sentence first.”
“Which one are you again? The Canadian?”
“No, Bob.”
“You’re the one with the speech impediment and the WWII fetish.”
“I’m the one from Texas.”
…
“CBS.”
…
“You’re the ‘What’s the frequency, Kenneth’ one.”
“Thanks for remembering.”
“if it makes you feel any better, Billy got a real kick out of that. For years after, if you heard that phrase, there was a dick about to be punched.”
“Why would that make me feel better?”
“Legacy’s a legacy, man.”
“Speaking of legacies, Bob: you seem to be doing a lot of interviews lately. You also had a documentary based on your life appear on Netflix recently. Are you building your legacy?”
“No, Geraldo–”
“Not even close.”
“–I’m not building anything or thinking about legacies. I still got a vital, i think, band to play with. I kinda like doing these interviews, actually. It gives me a chance to talk about the two most important people in my life.”
“They are?”
“My wife, Natasha Monster.”
“Of course.”
“And my greatest friend, deepest musical collaborator, and true brother. A guy I miss every single day since he was taken from us too early.”
“You’re talking about Jerry–”
“Jimi Hendrix.”
“–Garcia. What?”
“People don’t know this, but Jimi Hendrix was my closest and dearest friend.”
“I did not know that.”
“That’s weird, since I inexplicably bring it up in so many interviews.”
“Okay: wanna play some guitar?”
“Sure, but I’m gonna stare into your eyes while I do.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Bobby.”
…
“Are you Ernie Anastos?”
“If it will help, then: yes, I am Ernie Anastos.”
“Tell Warner Wolf I say hi.”
“Will do.”
ps. ACCESS! It’s “Access TV”. But they spelled it wrong on purpose because God has abandoned us. Okay, I understand now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dTiXFrObHs&feature=youtu.be
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