You got up to a lot today.
“I stood in literally one place for ten minutes. It’s just that, you know, 85 people took pictures of me and it was on national teevee.”
True. Like the shirt. That’s some good self-promotin’.
“Not exactly out of place here, though. Ads all over everything.”
You should sell the tee-shirt rights to Jeff Chimenti this summer.
“Like, rent out his torso?”
Yeah.
“That could work, yeah. But, uh, what if the internet heard about it?”
Ooh, yeah. Hadn’t thought of that. He’d be wearing a “Hitler Did Nothing Wrong” shirt the first night. Good call.
“Never engage with the internet.”
Nope. Bobby?
“Yup?”
You the only person there wearing Birkenstocks?
“I haven’t seen everyone else’s feet yet.”
APPLE WATCH NOISE
“Got a call. Hold on a sec.”
…
“Weir here.”
“Яacecars are for girls.”
“Who’s this?”
“Is Putin.”
“Chuck Putin?”
“Nyet. Vladimir Putin.”
“Did you used to be in the Flaming Groovies?”
“Vat is Flaming Groovies?”
“Are you one of the kids’ teachers? My wife–”
“Natasha Monster, da.”
“–Natasha Monster usually handles that.”
“Nyet, is Putin. Your president.”
“Not my president.”
“Da. Is Electoral College.”
“Vote’s a vote.”
“Illegal voters.”
“Okay, yeah, are you calling for a reason?”
“Da. Ve have kompromat on Mr. Bobby Grateful. Ve show to Deadheads if you do not spy for us.”
“Laundromat?”
“Kompromat.”
“Coprolith?”
…
“Blackmail. Is blackmail. Ve just say blackmail from now on.”
“Sure.”
“Now ve have leverage, Bobby Grateful. You belong to Putin!”
“Okee doke. So, uh, what kind of stuff you got?”
“Tapes.”
“Deadheads already have tapes, Buttons.”
“Putin. And not those kind tapes. Dirty tapes. Bobby Grateful and women.”
“Not outside the realm of possibility. And, uh, what kind of things am I doing?”
“Is disgusting.”
“What?”
“Is so gross.”
“Well, now I’m interested.”
“The girls make the pee-pee on you.”
“Huh. Yeah, see the thing is…wait, I know what’s happening. You meant to call Billy.”
“Billy?”
“In those, uh, tapes you got: how’s my hair?”
“Not great.”
“Yeah, you want Billy. But just to save you some time, he’s not gonna care.”
“Ve vill see.”
“Okay. Say hi to the other Flaming Groovies for me.”
“Putin is not Flam–”
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH WATCHES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
…
“Where were we?”
I have no idea.
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