- The moors, when you’ve been expressly told to keep to the path.
- Frankenstein’s Castle, even if there’s a light on.
- K2.
- That abandoned summer camp where all those teens got murdered a few years ago that the creepy gas station attendant told you in no uncertain terms to stay the fuck away from.
- The middle of the road, where you see the darnedest things (if the road is actually the Nurburgring).
- A gay bathhouse, 1982.
- Parked car in Queens, 1977. (Long-haired brunettes only.)
- Soviet Union, 1929-32. (Kulaks only.)
- In between Chuck Schumer and a camera.
- The Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park. (Remember Joe Exotic? Seems like a million years ago, right?)
- The Oval Office, if you are wearing a Filet-O-Fish costume.
- That bar on the edge of town called Patronpunchers.
- Bermuda Triangle. (Statistically no less safe than the surrounding waters, but it’s still the ocean, and the ocean is an inherently dangerous place that wants you dead and is full of monsters.)
- Wuhan wet market.
- Golden Corral.
- Murderswamp. (It is not named that ironically! Do not go to Murderswamp! It is so much worse than the Everglades!)
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: donad trump
“So glad we could talk alone, President Putin. Everyone here is a loser and a hater and very fake. Not you, though. Strong and great. Cologne? You wearing cologne or is that your natural scent? Very strong and fragrant. Beautiful smell on you, President Putin.”
“Vhen ve are in private, you may call me Vladimir.”
“Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. You can call me Donald.”
“I have been calling you Donald.”
“Right, sure, great, yes.”
“English is nyet so good. Putin bring translator. Is Jenkins.”
“Good evening, Mister President.”
“Jenkins, great, wonderful. You have a wonderful translator. Very fit. I’m like you, Vladimir, all man. Love the ladies. Big pussy man. Tits are great, but pussy? No one loves pussy like me with maybe the exception of you, sir. But this translator? Very fit. Good choice you made.”
…
“I have no idea how to translate what he just said, sir.”
“I got most of it. I think Dummy wants to fuck you. Or me.”
“Jesus, sir, what color is he? Up close, it’s inhuman.”
“You’re telling me. First time I met him, I nearly did a spit-take. Okay, tell him that I thank him for his compliment or some bullshit like that.”
“Mr. Putin thanks you for the kind words, President Trump.”
“Wonderful, great, beautiful words.”
“And would like the two houses in Maryland that President Obama illegally seized returned to Russia.
“Jenkins, stop free-lancing.”
“Hundred rubles says he goes for it.”
“You’re on.”
“Absolutely! Obama was very unfair to you and also very black. Two bad things! Either one is bad, but both is disgusting. The worst president we’ve ever had, and probably tried to have you murdered many times. They’re yours. Done, boom. Next?”
“Jenkins, I owe you a hundred.”
“Had a hunch.”
“See what else he’ll go for.”
“President Trump, there is also issue of sanctions. Perhaps meeting could be scheduled to discuss a path forward in friendship.”
“We can do this. It’ll be easy, we could do it quick. Can you lift sanctions by a tweet? I could do it right now.”
“Did you just say ‘path forward in friendship?'”
“Yes, sir.”
“Jenkins, you’re a funny motherfucker.”
“Watch this.”
“President Trump, Mr. Putin admires your necktie.”
“Here you go. It’s yours.”
OVERLY-LONG NECKTIE REMOVAL NOISE
“Spaceeba, Donald.”
“That means ‘Thank you,’ Mr. President.”
“Great, fine, wonderful language. Long history, the Russian language, which many people don’t know. Didn’t show up last week. You’ve got a whole history there.”
“What the fuck is he talking about?”
“No idea, sir.”
“We both speak English, right?”
“Quite well, Mr. Putin.”
“Well, that’s not fucking English.”
“No, sir.”
“Mr. Putin appreciates your interest in Russian culture.”
“Very interested, yes. This is great, much better than Washington. Nothing gets done there, zip, nothing at all. Slow place, but that’s not why I won the greatest election of all time. I go fast, get it done, look what I’ve accomplished, so much more than any other president in the world. I do it like this, negotiating one-on-one. We can get things done, Vladimir. We can make deals.”
“My mind wandered. What did he say?”
“He thinks he is your peer.”
“Jenkins, I’m having the best fucking year.”
“Everything’s coming up Putin. You want me to make him give you his pants?”
“No. His phone.”
“Gotcha, boss.”
“So, Vladimir, can we make a deal?”
“Ve already have, Donald.”
“Wonderful.”
“Da.”
Nixon served his country in the Navy, and later in the Naval Reserves.
Trump dodged the draft.
Nixon was elected to the House of Representatives and the Senate, both times from his home state of California.
Trump has never held office, and his home state despises him.
Nixon was an accomplished and cunning lawyer.
Trump thinks he can “open up the libel laws.”
Nixon was the Vice-President of the United States; one time in Caracas, he was assaulted by a mob and his car stoned.
Trump didn’t go to the Press Correspondent’s Dinner because he can’t take jokes.
Nixon opened up China.
Trump picked a fight with Canada.
Nixon founded the EPA and OSHA, and signed the Clean Air Act.
Trump appointed a man who had sued the EPA 15 times to head it.
Nixon supported the Equal Rights Amendment and appointed more women to important positions than the “liberal” LBJ had.
Trump has two female cabinet secretaries: one of whom bought her job, and the other of whom is married to Mitch McConnell.
Nixon defeated George McGovern in the biggest electoral landslide in the nation’s history (at the time).
Trump lost the popular vote.
Nixon negotiated the Strategic Arms Limitations Treaty (SALT 1) and the Anti-Ballistic Missile treaty (ABM) with the Russians.
Trump let the Russians buy him underage hookers.
Nixon had a dog, Checkers, and he loved that little dog and he kept it.
Trump is incapable of love and has never had a pet.
Find a better adjective.
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