Tag: donald trump (Page 25 of 32)

“All right, yes. Great. Look at you. Lotta people, biggest crowds. They won’t show it! The unfair media, which is very unfair to me. Someone just told me there were 450,000 people in this hall. Wow. What’s Hillary got? Did you see her? Last speech? Six people. Yeah. Six people, believe me, and two were dogs. Four people and two dogs, I guess, to be specific. Not even good dogs. Very bad dogs. Remember Buddy? Hillary had a dog, Buddy? Hillary ate Buddy. Like she was Oriental.

“I have had a great week, Pennsylvania! The best week. Won the debate, and exposed the corrupt and disgusting media for being corrupt and disgusting. CNN, which has no ratings, none at all, says I did bad. They don’t show the many polls from Reddit that say I won. Twitter says I won. Sean Hannity, who no one will call, says I won the debate. Crooked Hillary called me and told me I won. She conceded the debate. That’s true! I wasn’t going to say that because I thought it wouldn’t be nice, and I just want to be nice, even though Hillary made her daughter Chelsea watch while she killed and ate Buddy.

“Can’t try her! Not in court, Crooked Hillary owns the courts, we know this. Everybody knows this. There are people who have done 10% of what this woman has done, and they’ve been executed. But you can’t try her because everyone has immunity. Immunity! You get immunity, and you get immunity! It’s like on Oprah, who is very boring on television and sometimes very fat, but also tremendously rich and successful. Heard she had an affair with Bill. Did Sex-Crazed Hillary, who is a pervert, join in? Why wouldn’t she?

“So this Lester Holt, who is the worst, is the worst. He should be in prison. The whole debate was rigged against me. Still won. Bad mic! I wasn’t going to say this because I wanted to be nice. Y’know what? I’m gonna say it: Hillary Clinton farted on my mic before the debate. I smelled it. Very distinctive. Sick old-lady fart. Smelled like Parkinson’s, if I’m honest, and I am the most honest person you’re ever gonna meet. Sick old-lady fart.

“And she’s got her points. Little checklist. This, that. Lie, wrong. She called me a racist! That means she called you racists. She calls Bernie supporters trash people. That was the phrase! I heard it, the tape, that’s what she said, believe me. Trash people! This Miss Universe, I can’t believe we’re still talking about this. She got fat! What am I gonna do? She got fat! There’s no way around it. She got fat! My hands were tied. Y’know, you have to ask yourself: was Senorita Universe a Clinton plant from the beginning? Did she win and then get fat on purpose? Very devious people we’re dealing with, folks! Crooked Hillary is very devious and cunning, but also the most incompetent person I’ve ever met. Both those things.

“Every day there are lies about me in the very dishonest media. The New York Times, which is failing, broke into Trump Tower and stole forged documents from my office. I have the surveillance tape, but you can’t see it because I’m under IRS audit. What they printed was a lie, based on fraudulent documents, that Punch Sulzberger heisted from my office safe Ocean’s 11-style. I have always paid my legal obligation of taxes, but if I didn’t, that would make me smart.

“I said this at the debate, which I won. I will release my tax returns when she releases the 33,000 e-mails that she destroyed. When we see the e-mails she destroyed with acid and hammers, then she can see my tax returns. Also, I want to see her birth certificate. Where was Foreign Hillary born? She says Chicago, but we don’t know. Every time I hear about Chicago, it’s about the gun violence that plagues the blacks. Hillary is not a black, so maybe she’s not from Chicago! Or maybe Hillary Clinton is a black? Either way, she ate Buddy the dog.

“She wants to set your aunts and uncles on fire. I want to bring back jobs. Hillary wants to break your feet, and then chase you with horses. Horses! I don’t want to do that. My company did not become the most successful company in the world because I chased people with horses. She wants to sell our homosexuals to the Saudis. I want to let my vice-president decide about the homosexuals. She is not fit to lead the country. She won’t make America great again. I’ll make America great again.”

• Brembo brake calipers, dark gold – $595.00  (“After the last bombing, no one congratulated me! Not one person! I said, ‘It’s Radical Islamic Muslims who planted the bomb.’ Within minutes, I said it. Other people said I should wait for confirmation. I knew. I knew. I knew. Then they catch the guy where? First American Fried Chicken? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Is Black Lives Matter involved? You have to ask! Listen, you know I don’t have time to be politically correct, so I’ll just say it: the blacks love fried chicken, and the Muslims love terrorism. Now they’ve merged!”)
• Cargo net – $60.00 (“Charity, business, what’s the difference? People gave to my charity because of me, which is like giving it to me. It’s amazing that we’re talking about this when the Clinton Foundation was the basis for SPECTRE. In the James Bond movies, the bad guys. I was asked to play James Bond, this is true. After Roger Moore, who was a very weak Bond, not a great Bond, and they called me up. I was in very good shape at the time–I’m still very handsome, but I was younger–and they wanted me to be the first American James Bond. I offered to do the British accent, because I do the best British accents. I can say cheerio, take the lift to your flat, whatever. We couldn’t make a deal, but I would have been the best James Bond.”)
• Crystal White tricoat – $500.00 (“Hillary Clinton, who is on the brink of death, wants to let the entire world into your house. She has a plan–I’ve seen it, I’ve seen it–to force you to let refugees sleep in your children’s bedrooms. Bunk bed, trundle, whatever. And where are they from? Currently, this is true, currently we are not allowed to ask these people where they’re from. It is against the rules to ask an immigrant where he’s from! I’ve seen the form. Maybe this is why we don’t know where Obama is from, even though he was born in America like I’ve always said.”)
• Recaro performance seats – $2,300.00 (“Performance isn’t great for the blacks. Very, very bad shape. Right now, the blacks are the worst off they’ve ever been in America. Men, women, children, all worse. The old ladies on the porch. Grannies, I think they call them, I guess, I don’t know. Poverty! Terrible poverty, no jobs, no money, can’t buy sneakers. Violence! Every black in Baltimore has been shot multiple times this year. Now, most of those blacks are shot by other blacks, but the few times a cop does it, you hear about it. Media is racist, not the facts.”)
• Premium all-weather floormats – $140.00 (“We’re the floormats! Right now? It’s America, which is not great. China? Lots of winners over there. No winners here any more because Crooked Hillary has winners rounded up and put into FEMA camps. Why has President Obama never shown us proof that there are no FEMA camps? Is Obama, who has hatred in his heart, getting revenge for the Tuskegee Experiment by cutting white people open in secret FEMA camps? Many people say that, but I don’t talk about that any more. I’m about winning, which we need to do more of.”)
• Luxury package – $2,075.00 (“The cops and law enforcement who caught that bomber, the fried chicken guy, you know. Great. Great cops, I love the cops. He shot at them! Now he gets taken to the hospital, fed. Maybe he’s going to radicalize the nurses? Never know. When I’m president, we’re going to look at that. I don’t think terrorists should get arrested, just buried.”)
• Trim kit, Morello carbon fiber – $1,400.00 (“Imagine a bowl of Skittles. Now what if three Skittles were actually Radical Islamic Muslims? Would you eat that candy? Crooked Hillary, who masturbates to Jack the Ripper, wants you to eat Muslim candy. Twix bars leaving bombs in malls. It’ll happen! ISIS is in our candy, and our teenagers are looking up to them. They’re on the cyber, and we have to shut all that down. I can do it. There are problems, but I can make them go away.”)
• 19″ wheels with forged polish finish alloy – $900.00 (“Hillary Clinton, who is a liar who cannot be trusted, personally started the rumor that Obama wasn’t born in America. I made the mistake of trusting her because I have a very good heart. Too trusting! The New York Times, which is disgraceful and should burn to the ground, will say that there are no tapes of Crooked Hillary asking for Obama’s birth certificate at speeches, but I’ve seen them. Times is a horrible rag, horrible. Maybe they should take all the fire alarms and sprinklers out of their building and see what happens. Who knows?”)

• Stop asking about that.
• Hillary did it first.
• All of those statements were actually made by Mr. Trump’s evil twin brother, Ronald Trump.
• That happened in the past, and we’re not in the past anymore, so why are we even discussing this.
• His Twitter account was hacked, repeatedly, and over the span of half-a-decade.
• Claiming President Obama isn’t a real American isn’t racist, because “president” isn’t a race.
• Auto-correct.
• Mr. Trump was doing it to support the troops.
• He was being sarcastic.
• Because he wants America to be great again, now let’s talk about something else.
• Something something Benghazi.

If you’re voting for Trump, you’re a stupid, racist asshole. If you’re offended by that, then you’re the stupid, racist asshole that I was talking about. I’ve lost my sense of humor entirely on this subject, and I’m sickened and saddened by what my country’s become, or at least what my country’s revealed itself to be.

The man is an incompetent, anti-Semitic whoremonger who doesn’t do his homework. He openly admires tyrants past and present, and picks fights with the mothers of dead American soldiers. He pisses in every well he comes across by spreading rumors and lies, and cheats anyone dumb enough to do business with him. He bribes public officials, boasts about how he got away with playing a crooked system, and then–in the same breath–promises to clean up that system. He is humorless, vain, and coarse, and sees strength as the only admirable attribute. He has been fined by the Justice Department, cited by the IRS, and adjudicated against by court after court. The man is a slumlord from Queens and he is not worthy of America.

What he is doing, what he is fomenting–intentionally, knowingly, laughingly–will not dissipate on the 9th: he will leave the electorate like a heavy smoker moving out of an apartment, having impregnated his stench into the walls and ceiling, cigarette after cigarette, speech after speech. He has gathered the tribes: nationalists, anti-Semites, conspiracy theorists, paranoiacs, Putin apologists, homophobes, and the generally shitty. Children of the 10’s, this is your Altamont.

Trump also has another large, vocal pocket of supporters called the Alt-Right. They espouse a vicious hatred of Political Correctness, and like to remind people that facts are more important than feelings, so I feel that I should abide by their wishes in describing them: they don’t like niggers, and they’re not faggot fans. Kikes, either, or maybe especially. You let a Jew count your money, and then you throw him in the oven to make sure he doesn’t steal from you.

And maybe you just thought, “Well, that’s not me. Someone can vote for Trump and not be one of those loathsome people.” I say you can’t. Judge a man by the company he keeps, and both the candidate and his supporters should be viewed in the light of that idea. If you are voluntarily standing with stupid, racist assholes, and you’re voting for a stupid, racist asshole, then you are by definition a stupid, racist asshole. I’ve lost my patience with all of this.

And may God help us all, he’s running against the one human being who could lose to him.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled nonsense.