Welcome back to Election Night: Live From Fillmore South. The polls are starting to close and early results are coming in. Former Clintonista Donna Shalala has taken the Florida 27th, and Robert Menendez, who is a criminal, has held onto his Senate seat in New Jersey. For a closer look at some important races, we’re going to toss it to…ah, for fuck’s sake.
Bobby, this is a political post. I need someone to analyze the Midterm results.
“Right, right. That’s what the bunny is for.”
The bunny doesn’t know anything about American governance.
“You’d, uh, be surprised. Was an American Studies major at Yale.”
Okay. Bobby, I’ll get back to you. There’s some big news coming in from Indiana, where the Republican Mike Braun has defeated his Democratic opponent Joe Donnelly to win a Senate seat. Here with an insider’s take on the race is…c’mon, man.
“How y’all been doin’, sugar?”
Hi, Mrs. Donna Jean.
“Izzit Arbor Day already? I ain’t tended t’ mah peach trees in a hound’s age.”
It’s Election Day.
“Oh, Ah don’t know nothin’ ’bout no electioneering. Mah husband votes for me, like th’ Bible says.”
“There was one ol’ boy Ah followed ’round when Ah was a young’un. State Senator named Sticky Foote from Heironymous over in Chillafunky County.”
You made all of that up.
“Mah, could Sticky speechify. Promised a possum in every pot.”
Don’t you mean chicken?
“No, sugar. Alabama did’n get no chickens ’til ’round 1980. Back then, we mostly et possum an’ snake.”
“But Sticky was gonna turn all that ’round for us. Bring Alabama into th’ 19th century.”
“Stop correctin’ me, sugar. Ah know what Ah said.”
“Than man could fit more pomade in his hair than any Ah’ve seen since. And he was very progressive. Given the tahm and place, y’unnerstand. He was completely against lynchin’, less’n it was justified.”
Sure. I need to get back to the election, Mrs. Donna Jean.
“Stop on bah whenever you in the area, sugar.”
Yes, ma’am. With polls closing in important Midwest states, TotD can now confirm that Joe Manchin, who is a Democrat even though no one can tell me why, has won reelection in West Virginia. For a breakdown of his victory, we go to the head of the West Virginia desk…no. No, no, no, no, no.
“MY SUIT CONTAINS MANY VIRGINIAS.”
Dammit, Ye, you don’t know anything about…well, anything. You are less than helpful when discussing election results.
“I VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP.”
He wasn’t running this time.
“NEVER LIMIT MY VOTING. I CAST VOTES ALL THE TIME. ME AND VIRGIL ABLOH ARE REDESIGNING BALLOTS.”
Take your medicine.
“I DO NOT NEED MEDICINE BECAUSE I HAVE THE BIGGEST SUIT.”
Okay. I’m just gonna call this whole thing off. Maybe rethink my approach.