Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: donna godchaux (Page 7 of 7)

That Time Of Year

You know it. This one’s indelibly scratched into you; it won’t buff out.  Does that opening Take a Step Back take you back, raise the hairs on your arm, the boner in your soul? The dynamic tension of the intermittent instrumental stabs and barks bouncing on both sides of your head, then there’s Mickey on the right, then Billy opposite, Mickey again, and one of these days some kid’s gonna die with this general admission bullshit, and Keith–high up and sprightly and hard left on this sterling example of Betty’s Boards.

And then: swooping like a sex pterodactyl up to the most perfect note he’s ever played, Phil sounds like a 20-ton Super Ball.

That was the magic moment for me when I was just a small Thought on the Dead, that bombombom phWOOO kicking off the hour-plus second set that has been enshrined in the Library of Congress and in an even more patriotic honor, blasted at detainees at Gitmo. (The only effect the psychological torture had, however was a request for “some ’72, as a palate-cleanser, praise be unto him.”)

I’ve written about this show before and I’ve never really written about the show before and won’t again this time because the show is almost besides the point: it’s a holiday now (try calling in Cornell to work) and the origins of holidays are almost always immaterial. There were lots of friendly meals between white settlers and Indians, but we picked one and put it on a Thursday. It’s the one day of the Enthusiasts’ year when everyone’s listening to the same show: it doesn’t matter which show, honestly. (Probably shouldn’t be a ’93.)

Not to argue against this one: you can’t. They rocked out with their cocks out on this night in Barton Hall, metaphorically except for Billy, and to take the position of BEST EVAR HARGLEFLARGLE is to take a defensible stand.

But it’s a superfluous one: the greatest show the Dead ever played is the next one you listen to, if you’re an Enthusiast.

To ask “What was the best show the Dead ever played,” is like asking “How many flarns do you want?” In both cases, the word your answer hinges upon (are flarns a yummy, wafflle-like dish or kicks to the jaw?) is completely vague.

Define ‘best.’ For some in the band, I assure you that they think the best show ever was the one in which they got paid the most. For Mrs. Donna Jean, it was a show early in ’73, when she had started singing more songs with the band: someone threw her roses, expensive ones, and she pressed one and she still has it.  Someone whipped a used Christmas wreath at Mickey’s head once and he leapt into the crowd and started beating random fuckers with a microphone stand.

Best is where you find it.

p.s. There are a shit-ton of Matrix mixes, “upgrades,” remasters, and karaoke versions of the show on the tubes, but I’ve linked to the original Betty Board, because it’s the best. She got it right the first time.

Sittin’ On Top Of The Pole

Bobby once got a hold of one of those trivia books at a truck-stop somewhere and quickly became fascinated with the flagpole-sitting fad of the early century, but he was scared of heights and just wandered into the Keith’s hotel room and perched atop Keith’s semi-conscious body. Bobby had set a world record for Keith-sitting (14 minutes, except for when he got up and  wandered around looking for a match) when Mrs. Donna Jean came in and then there was humping.

Pretty nice afternoon.

Sunday Morning Coming Around

art jerry crucifix

First off, while Garcia truly couldn’t dress himself, I’m quite certain that he neither owned nor wore a thong with his face on it. (It can be purchased on Etsy, however.)

Second: fuck this. Fuck this in the neck with a steak knife. The Dead were men (and Mrs. Donna Jean, who–for the record–was no shrinking violet when it came to throwing punches, fucking people she wasn’t supposed to, or using her BMW to play bumper cars in the parking lot when she got drunk and irritated.)

People are not to be worshipped, especially these ones; their humanity was overwhelming, and not in a charitable, restore-my-faith-with-a-Buzzfeed-video kind of way: it was messy. Their humanity got all over innocent bystanders, harmonica players, hotel bar patrons, and high-school-aged foxes. They were junkies and drunken reprobates. One of them was Billy, for fuck’s sake.

The only thing that happens when you put a man on a pedestal is you get a better look at his ass.

Third: August 12th, 1995, came and went. No Garcia. Of course, that might have been because he was cremated.

 

The Waters Of Lake Minnetonka

2/15/73 in St. Paul: nothing special, honestly. There’s a HoF He’s Gone right up front,a You Ain’t Woman Enough amuse-buche from Mrs. Donna Jean and some adorable harmonies on Here Comes Sunshine, but there’s no big jam–the Phil-led Playing barely makes it to 15 minutes and there’s neither a Dark Star nor an Other One.

But…life is short; listen to ’73. 

Other Times, I Can Barely SEO

Do you have an Old Mall in your town? As those caverns of the 70’s stubbornly rust all over the country, they evolve into one of a number of morphologies: there’s the Ghost Mall, that has maybe one store still there and the others look haunted and Cormac McCarthy-ish. The giant letters forming the names of the stores have been removed and left their traces on the wall. Best “out of business” sign there is.

Then there is another kind of mall. Perhaps it is just as bustling as it used to be, back when it supported three separate record shops (one of which was actually–swear–cool) and an honest-to-god Tiny Comic Book Store. Not too big–just one long oval with Macy’s on one end and Sear’s on the other. A solidly striving, middle-class mall in America. Now, yes, there always was a bit of a crime problem, but you get a lot of shoplifters at any mall and quite frankly, the whole situation was needlessly exacerbated by the Police Chief getting himself run over while in pursuit three times. Twice, maybe. Three times, you start looking at the common denominator.

But where there used to be ladies apparel shops are now cash4gold places, the Body Shop replaced by the Dollar Store, and far more places selling baseball caps than you would think the market could bear.  It has become the Terrifying Mall, a mall you are sure “belongs” to someone who is not the rightful owner, someone for whom “laundry day” is never a valid excuse for wearing certain colors.

Jut asking, because apparently some poor soul got here via the search term socks for fat ankles boynton beach and everyone knows that the best place is Sweaty’s at the Boynton Beach Mall, in between the two kiosks selling iPod accessories and the Mexican supermarket. Godspeed, you fankled lovely. 

Do you know what analytics are? I didn’t, until I started making the bloggings. Now I know how each and every person got here–there’s a list of the exact search term. Let’s see a few, shall we? (The search terms are in bold, obviously. I have not altered them except when I did to make them funnier.)

Now, weir fucking donna is an obvious one, as is is phil lesh a jerk, but less predictable was the fact that three lost, lonely men (and you know that they are most certainly men) searched for ned lagin or ned lagin band.

I’d like to think that both dickpunching billy and grateful dead crotchpunch represent people who had been here before, but for one reason or another forgot to bookmark the bloggings.

As for the 8–FUCKIN’ 8 HUMAN BEINGS–who searched for grateful dead rule 34? You sicken me. On the other hand, it was nice to fill a niche

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