Tag: football

• The bad guys will win.
• No matter how hot and skinny you are, eventually you will have a floppy tummy.
• Terry Bradshaw wants to fuck Tom Brady.
• Terry Bradshaw wants to be fucked by Tom Brady.
• NFL owners will be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
• Hell, let’s not wait for the revolution.
• We have run out of gas, collectively: when a culture starts bringing back its old advertising icons, then it is out of ideas.
• Spuds?
• Really?
• Dig up that little mustache fucker out of the ground; tell him it’s time to make the donuts.
• Katie Nolan>Erin Andrews in every single way.
• The only Real Americans® are Military-Americans, and all the rest of us should drop to our knees and thank them, orally, for our Freedom®.
• Just because you’re playing in a dome doesn’t mean a flyover is out of the question.
• Julian Edelman’s haircut is a mod at /r/The_Donald.
• New rule: players must get their helmets locked together at least once every game from now on; it is adorable.
• If you ask Alexa what time it is, she will not know; if you ask her the weather, she will give you the forecast for the wrong city; if you ask her what the Over/Under for the game is, she will respond INSTANTLY with “57.5 points is the Over/Under.”
• I think Alexa might have a gambling problem.
• Shannon Sharpe is a preening twit.
• I’m beginning to think we’ll never meet Lord Gaga.
• All commercials from now on should troll the president.
• “Come on down to Larry’s Furniture Shack and buy yourself a couch. Also, Trump’s a wetbrained cocksniffer. Financing available!”
• Fox kept their name and the number of the Super Bowl in Roman numerals (LI) up on the screen for most of the game, and I kept wondering, “Who is Fox Li? Is that Jet’s son?”
• I’m happy for Gronk, I suppose.
• This might be my last year of football; I have grown to despise everything about the sport but the actual game.
• It’ll be nice to see Alfa Romeos on the side of American roads again.

Fifth Down Each team gets one fifth down a game, so if you’ve been trying to get in the end zone from the two-yard line for three downs, instead of kicking on fourth, you could go for it.

Coach Series For one series each game, the head coach has to line up at a position. If Andy Reid dies, he dies.

Wombats On The Field There should be wombats on the field.

Drunken Punting To discourage punting, which is the lowest play one can call, every time a team does so, the punter takes a shot. (Or chugs a beer, as long as it’s Budweiser.) Speaking of punters…

Abolition Of Roughing The Punter/Kicker In fact, I would institute a bounty system. Every field goal would end with a tiny white guy with mismatched shoes being chased out of the stadium.

Wicker Manning On the game closest to Halloween, a giant wooden effigy of a Manning (it doesn’t matter which one) is lit at midfield; this will honor the football gods.

Bring Back Pat Summerall I know he’s dead; he’s still better than Joe Buck.

Mumbojumbotron Instead of close-ups and replays, the big screens at the stadium should show experimental films and stock footage.

Suits And Ties For Coaches This one’s not a joke: they all look like hobos.

Introduction Of Seppuku If you fumble, then you have to ritualistically disembowel yourself. A halfback may stand behind you and decapitate you so you die quickly.