Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: grateful dead funny (Page 2 of 2)
One of the running themes of these bloggings is this: the Dead weren’t as special as we think. They did precisely the same trend-following as every other big rock and roll combo of the time, it’s just that they were incompetent at it. They discovered reggae at the same time every other with-it white dude in LA did, but their reggae song was in 7/4. Plus, Phil wasn’t exactly Family Man Barrett.
They did cheesy music videos, but instead of hitting the gym and hair stylist like their peers, they chose to look like this: 
(Hand on my heart, I only meant to post one picture of Phil looking completely unpresentable. The two-fer was just a happy accident.)
(Okay, last parenthetical, but it has to be said: our boy’s looking rough in that second one there. Like he’s a stranger in a bar who keeps moving through the room getting closer and closer to you, but you never notice him actually moving , and then all of a sudden HE’S ON THE STOOL NEXT TO YOU and he asks you if you want to hear a secret? Because, mister, I’ve got a secret and…I’d like ta tell it to ya.
What the hell, man?
You disagree?
It’s not that I disagree or not: it’s just unseemly. First of all, close your parenthesis.
Sorry.)
Second, I’d really prefer you didn’t even imply that the ground-breaking bassist from our favorite improvisational combo was some sort of lumberjack rapist.
I would never imply that Phil raped lumberjacks. That’s–
–Wait, that is not what–
—on YOU, FUCKIN’ WEIRDO THAT YOU ARE.
–I said. I meant that he was a lumberjack who raped.
… Oh: A lumberjack-rapist?!
Yes!
Well, it’s kinda on you for being so fast and loose with the typography, Mr. “Close your parenthetical.”
SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU.
COMING SOON: The much-promised, never-delivered return of Elvis! Also, check out this rightfully well-regarded show from 9/20/87 and pay special attention to the Desolation Row, Garcia’s solos in particular. They’re a matched pair: the first, sadness; the second, release. He only takes one verse each and makes every bar both a logical continuation of the bars before it AND a complete surprise. Plus, Bobby just kills it.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRNvezElbIg]
“Video shoot’s tomorrow, guys! I’m packing the truck: we got the post-apocalyptic trenchcoats and awful hats…who’s got the jarringly out-of-place Holocaust footage? Yeah, of course it’ll work–the kids today are really into grainy, black and white clips of soul-deadening war atrocities.
“Well, obviously, with Bobby’s face superimposed. What do you think we bought the Video Toaster for?”
The Dead are not sexy, neither collectively nor individually. In fact, the thought of them humping is enough to make you consider gouging your brain out of your skull with a broken wine bottle.
I can see Billy owning a lot of robes. He does not own any of the belts to these robes: he allows the breeze to do as it will. Billy owns oils,candles, uses the word ‘sensual’ a lot. His constant refrain in the bedroom is, “Just relax.”
Phil’s very picky about the young ladies he spends 3-6 minutes atop. Bobby, however, would go home with anyone who caught his attention and said, “Follow me, Bobby,” in a stern and commanding voice. Because through all these years, Bobby has secretly been a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. That’s something the liberal elites won’t print in their DeadBases, will they?
Brent could only be wooed by approaching him slowly with your eyes averted, making a double-grunt vocalization, and then sitting behind him to pick nits and lice out of his hair and beard. (Here’s another little known fact that Big Dead would rather you not hear: Brent Mydland provided a high, keening harmony line to his own orgasmic cries.)
Mickey was a spanker and enjoyed capturing hi sessions on audio tape. He spent half-a-million bucks in 1979 putting together a ballet based entirely on buttock-percussion. This project never saw the light of day after Mickey’s cousin stole the master tape’s, the band’s money and Bobby’s car keys.
Garcia liked his women to be on top. After that, he was giving and game, but let’s be honest: he did a lot of laying there.
Vince did exactly what he had paid for and nothing else because Vince Welnick Was Considerate To Hookers.
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