john mayer briefcase LV

The briefcase is a Président Classeur from Louis Vuitton. If you’ve got $9,700, then you can call and buy one. They cannot be ordered online, because Louis Vuitton needs to hear your voice, or your butler’s voice, to determine whether you’re the right type of customer.

You know, Enthusiasts, that I’ve mostly come around on Young John Mayer. He can play that guitar just like he’s ringing a hand-crafted, carbon-fiber, limited-edition bell that cost 40 grand but, Jesus, he’s got worse taste than roadkill covered in mayonnaise.

I hate to repeat myself–

You truly don’t.

–but there are better options, some of which were owned by previous Grateful Deads. (Although I must give credit where credit is due: at least the case isn’t covered in that tacky “LV” logo.) Actually, there’s just one briefcase with any inherent sexy:

zero halliburton silver

When you absolutely, positively must deliver half-a-mil in unmarked, non-sequential bills to get a family member back, the ZERO Halliburton is your choice. You can get a carbon fiber one, or the bulletproof model, or the top-of-the-line spy package that handcuffs to your wrist and has a biometric lock, but you’ll look like you’re trying too hard: stick with the silver aluminum.

Around $400, with tax and shipping. If you have a severe enough haircut, one of these suckers, and a suit-and-tie, you can walk into any building in the planet.

Also–and I will return to a point made last night about cars–this briefcase does what it’s supposed to: stay closed until you tell it to. That French cigar box with a handle? You could pop that sumbitch open with a heavy screwdriver; a ZERO can be broken into, but you need a lot more tools.

Or you could go custom:

jerry briefcase tweed stealie

Fender made this up for Garcia in the style of their tweed amps and guitar cases, and it got him into trouble; sometimes when the police opened it, and sometimes when he opened it himself.

There were drugs and comic books in it, pens and guitar picks, his little black book and maybe a bag of M&Ms.

Also this:

jerry gun 2

Which is a Colt Model 1908 .25 caliber pistol, known as the Vest Pocket in the company’s advertising, but also called a gambler’s friend or a hold-out. Six shots, and not particularly accurate past 30 feet; you would never shoot this at anything that far away.

This pistol was created for the specific purpose of disappearing into your effects: you would never wear it on a holster like a .45. It goes in your pocket until you need it. This gun is for indoor use.

Parish wouldn’t always get there in time.

They sold this Colt at auction during the Chicago FTW shows, and it’s in a framed glass case over some rich guy’s desk now, but it used to be where Garcia could get at it quickly. The lady who owned it is quoted in the article saying that he used to use it for target shooting, but that’s not true. Garcia had a hold-out.