“Carthaginian Jenkins!”
“Yes, General Hannibal?”
“Weird question.”
“I’m used to it.”
“Where are the elephants?”
“Glad you asked. As of this morning, we are officially out of elephants.”
“Out?”
“Nothing in the tank, sir. Our elephant well has gone tits-up.”
“I’ve discussed the crudity with you.”
“Oh, sir, we live in Antiquity. It’s rugged and harsh here.”
“No matter. Won’t have your piggy lips ruining my morning. Who runs Italy?”
“You, sir.”
“Truest statement you’ve ever offered, Jenkins. I’m not even from this continent, and now I run Italy. I’m on a streak, kid.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Ray Stevens ain’t got nothing on me.”
“Wildly anachronistic reference, sir.”
“Hey, did you ever ask R&D about my idea?”
“Rudicides and Davidaxamagoras?”
“Yeah, R&D.”
“Your idea about cruise missiles?
“Uh-huh.”
“Yeah. They said that we would need to invent literally a million other things first before we got to cruise missiles. We just figured out canals, like, a century ago. Cruise missiles will not be available.”
“That one hurts.”
“It does, sir.”
“I mean, it would make our jobs so much easier. No more poring over maps. Find out where the enemy is and just shoot cruise missiles at them until they’re all dead.”
“Sounds like heaven.”
“And then we take their stuff. It’s a water-tight plan.”
“It is, sir. Damn our temporally-based limitations.”
“You’ll get a slapping. Keep it up with the infernal contractions and oaths, and you’ll get a slapping.”
“I apologize, General.”
“Why are you even here? Do you intend to pass gas and leave like you always do? I call it the toot-and-scoot, and I don’t like it.”
“I’ve never done that, sir.”
“The foulness emanates from every hole of yours. Hey, you ever heard of China?”
“Vaguely. Isn’t it on the far side of the Silk Road?”
“Maybe. After we conquer all of Italy, let’s do China.”
“You may be putting the cart before the horse, sir.”
“Carts!”
“Sir?’
“We build carts, and they’re no more complicated than cruise missiles.”
“They are far more complicated, sir. Almost immeasurably so.”
“What if we use bronze? Have you seen what they’re doing with bronze nowadays? It’s amazing.”
“Wonderful alloy, sir. Won’t help us here. Was there anything else?”
…
…
…
“Ele–”
“Elephants.”
“–phants! Why didn’t you aid me?’
“I knew you could get there, sir.”
“Do you not smell them?”
“The elephants?”
“Keep up, boy. Breathe deeply, take in the air.”
TWO CARTHAGINIANS INHALING NOISE
“That is the distinct smell of no elephants. Do you think I don’t know what an elephant doesn’t smell like?”
…
“Sir?”
“Where are all the elephants?”
“Heaven?”
“Do we have a heaven in our religion?”
“Not sure. We left so few written accounts.”
“Couple years from now, Rome is gonna do a number on us.”
“Yes, sir. We’re at the top of the roller-coaster right now. All downhill from here.”
“None at all? Not one elephant?”
“Zero, sir.”
“God, I feel so naked.”
“It’s an new world we’ve entered, sir.”
“I mean: I’m Hannibal. I have elephants. You say my name anywhere in the world and the answer is ‘The elephant guy?’
“They’re an integral part of the brand, sir.”
“How many did we start with?”
“80, sir.”
“And now?’
“None.”
“Hell of a thing. Have we checked everywhere? How about behind the mess hall? Sometimes the men go there to wee on each other.”
“We looked, sir. No luck.”
“Have you tried making a noise with the can opener?”
“Yes, sir. Similarly fruitless.”
“Zip.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Nada.”
“Yes, sir.”
“We have no elephants?”
“Yes, we have no elephants today.”
“Unacceptable. We need them. Take some of the treasure and go buy us some.”
“Buy us some elephants?”
“Hup, hup.”
“In rural Italy, in the year BC 218?”
“Get a move on.”
“It can’t be done, sir.”
“Is it too late? Well, first thing in the morning when the shops open. But get there early! The good ones go quick. And make sure they’re ripe! You have to tap the skull and listen.”
“Sir, is it possible you’re thinking of honeydew melon instead of elephants?”
“Quite possible, indeed! I do believe those leathery beasts were my tether to reality. I’m like Spain after the Reconquista.”
“Sir?”
“Unmoored!”
“Clever, sir.”
“Bring me my elephants, damn you! Is it the shipping? I don’t care how much the shipping is, Jenkins! I’ll eat the shipping!”
“It’s not the shipping, sir. Procuring war elephants is a mindboggingly intricate process. It is both labor and resource-intensive, and it takes place on an entirely different continent than the one we currently inhabit. It’s gonna take maybe six months to get any more elephants.”
“I will pay for Fed Ex!”
“No dice, sir!”
…
“What kind of animals do they have here?”
“I’ve noticed a lot of goats.”
“Good enough. Sew some trunks to their noses.”
“Very good, sir.”
“I love it when a plan comes together.”
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