Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?
“Well, I’m not scowling.”
That’s big for you when you’re getting your picture taken.
“I knew you’d appreciate the gesture.”
Is Jackie Greene related to Benicio del Toro?
“I have no idea who either of those people are.”
Jackie Greene is the person to your right who isn’t your wife or Matt Busch.
“Is that who that is?”
Yes.
“I thought it was Steph Curry.”
No.
“Then why did he sign my basketball?”
“Long history behind those hats, y’know.”
“The ones the Navy guys are wearing?”
“Yeah. Originally, sailors just put jellyfish on their heads.”
“I don’t know if that’s true.”
“It is, it is. Remember what Churchill said: The history of the Navy is based on rum, sodomy, and putting jellyfish on your head.”
“He didn’t say that.”
“Pretty sure he did. Plus, you know: sailors can’t wear helmets.”
“Why not?”
“Scurvy.”
“Let’s just sing the song, Bobby.”
“Okay, you’re gonna do the Pum-ba-dee-da part, and I’ll sing the words.”
…
“We’re not doing Happy Trails, Bobby. There’s no Pum-ba-dee-da part.”
“Ah. What about Ah-weem-ah-way?”
“Not singing that one, either.”
“What are we singing?”
“National Anthem.”
“Which nation?”
“America.”
“Happy Trails is an incredibly American song.”
“Bob.”
“So is Lion Sleeps Tonight, now that I think about it: black guys wrote it, and white guys stole all the royalties. Nothing more American than that.”
“Bob.”
…
“How about we do El Paso?”
“Gotta sing the National Anthem, man.”
“Whatever happened to freedom of speech?”
“We’re not speaking. We’re singing.”
“You make a good point.”
What is this?
“Mawwaige.”
Princess Bride reference. Nice, Phil.
“I’m with it.”
You’re very hip. Why are you allowed to marry people?
“Anyone in California is legally allowed to marry anyone to anything.”
So progressive. Weren’t you and Putin on the way to steal back all the time machines from ’85 you?
“We still are. Stopped for a minute.”
Lada break down?
“Lada broke down. Thing’s made out of popsicle sticks and promises.”
How’s ’69 Garcia?
“Really, really, really enjoying 21st century weed and pornography.”
Both of those things have come a long way in 50 years.
“Yeah, he’s thrilled. Although, he nearly shot the kid at Starbucks when he found out how much coffee costs now.”
’69 Garcia was packing?
“No, of course not. Jerry, along with the rest of the Dead, was a pacifist who didn’t believe in weapons of violence.”
…
Hahahahaha.
“Hahahaha.”
Oh, we have a good time. Wait: where’s Putin?
“Right over there. He loves weddings. Even managed to find a date.”
“Is so romantic. Putin love veddings.”
Is that Steven Seagal?
“Da. Is my bro.”
What the hell is on his head?
“Vig.”
A what?
“Vig.”
“Vig?”
…
“Nyet make fun of glorious Russian accent.”
Stupid accent.
“Is best accent. Ladies love.”
If the ladies love it, then why is Steven Seagal your date to a wedding?
“Is vingman. Going to meet tight American foxes. Butt play on bocce court.”
“You stay the hell away from those bocce courts, mister!”
“Nyet tell Putin vhat to do, Phil Grateful. Putin make love to voman butt vherever he please.”
“This deal is getting worse and worse all the time.”
SOMEWHEN ELSE
“WELL, YER BASS PLAYER AIN’T AT TH’ WATER PARK, HAIRY GARCIA.”
“Elvis, I gotta admit something to you. I, uh, didn’t think that he was.”
“YOU JUS’ WANTED T’ GO T’ TH’ WATER PARK! YOU SLY DOG, YOU.”
“In my defense, we had a lot of fun.”
“IT WUZ A GOOD THING AH BROUGHT MAH BATHING-JUMPSUIT.”
“Yup. You looked good, too.”
“AH WUZ TH’ ONLY ONE IN TH’ PARK WITH A CAPE.”
“Well, you’re generally the only one in any building with a cape.”
“NAH, MAN. AH HANG OUT WITH A LOTTA MAGICIANS.”
“Ah. So, what’s the plan?”
“SENSEI BENJY HAS CALLED ME WITH AN UPDATE. POOTER AN’ TH’ OLD FELLA HE HANGIN’ OUT WITH GOT THEMSELVES SOME SORTA SECRET WEAPON. SOMETHIN’ CALLED A ‘JERRY.’ DUNNO ANY MORE THAN THAT.”
“Did the call get interrupted?”
“AH STOPPED PAYIN’ ATTENTION ONCE TH’ CONVERSATION WAS NO LONGER ‘BOUT ME.”
“Sure. A ‘Jerry,’ huh? I know where to get one of those. When, I mean.”
“LEAD ON, HAIRY GARCIA. WHICH WAY SHALL AH POINT MAH LUXURIOUS AUTOMOBILE?”
“Take the exit for 1989.”
“WANNA GET POPEYE’S?”
“Yes, I do.”
HONK HONK
“Is there a car in the dressing room?”
“THIS AIN’T NO CAR, Y’ DINGDANG DRUGGIE! ISS A STUTZ BLACKHAWK!”
…
“Elvis?”
“Hey, Jer?”
“Bobby? What the hell is happening?”
“I got you fried chicken.”
“Oh, cool.”
thwip
“Bob, did Elvis just shoot a blowdart into my ne–”
flump
…
“He was getting in the car!”
“CAN’T TAKE NO CHANCES WITH NO DRUGGIE.”
“Well, you know: not to be pointing a finger, but you’ve eaten your weight in pills since we started our trip.”
“THASS MAH MEDICINE, BOY!”
“But you’ve been sharing it with me.”
“YOU LOOK SICK.”
“Dammit, man. All right, let’s just get him in the car.”
“WHY’D WE HAVE T’ GET ONE O’ TH’ FAT ITERATIONS, MAN?”
“Just help me.”
“AH SHALL HELP YOU. CHARLIE HODGE! HELP HAIRY GARCIA PUT WHATEVER TH’ HELL THIS THING IS IN TH’ STUTZ!”
“You make it difficult to be your friend.”
“WE AIN’T FRIENDS. WE BEST FRIENDS.”
“Great. Gimme the blow gun.”
“AH WILL GIVE IT T’ YOU BECAUSE AH WANT TO, NOT CUZ YOU SAID TO.”
“Whatever. And stop eating Jerry’s chicken!”
“IT JUS’ SMELLED SO DANG GOOD, MAN.”
…
…
…
“Am I too late?’
Post’s over, John.
“But, I had–”
Post’s over.
“HOW MANY TIMES AH GOTTA PASS ON THAT BOY?”
You heard Elvis. Post’s over.
“I hate all of you.”
This is from the Warfield last night, and since the Warfield is in San Francisco, I don’t think that’s a window.
Later on in the show, Phil showed up, too.
See?
Where? I don’t see Bobby or Phil.
There they are.
Ah.
Learn something new every day, Enthusiast, and if you don’t believe me, then let’s go to the videotape:
This is from ’99 at Red Rocks, and that’s Jackie Greene sitting down while he plays, which is not okay. The only guitarists allowed to sit when they play are ancient bluesmen and Jeff Healy. If your foot is broken or something, you may sit; there appears to be no injury to the young man. I don’t accept that playing an acoustic guitar gives you license to recline like some sort of pasha. In fact, acoustic guitars are lighter than electric guitars, so it should be easier to remain upright, and don’t give me any bullshit about how you can’t put a strap on the thing: if Willie Nelson can, then so can you.
But, yeah: Phil on upright. I vaguely recall one of the books (or maybe something on the innertubes: all the Dead stories roll into one) that Phil was thinking about playing an upright for the 1980 acoustic sets, but forgot to buy one or something and ended up standing in the back playing slightly fewer notes than normal on his normal bass.
Phil, and his upright skills, are inaudible in this video. From looks alone–and bear in mind that I am no musician–it maybe kinda sorta looks like he has no idea what he’s doing. Maybe it sounded great! Could’ve! Totally could’ve! But if you’re only using your eyes? Not a clue.
Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?
“Oh, hey. Breaking in this new guitar. Josh gave it to me.”
Like it?
“Dunno yet. There’s only two knobs. Really limits the amount of fiddling you can do.”
Sure.
“Grateful Deads fiddle with their guitars. It’s our thing.”
Maybe you could just play with your phone.
“Not the same. I mean, look at Shecky. He’s got four knobs and a switch.”
Wait, hold on: you’ve got two switches. Look:
“Those are switchlets. At best.”
I’m sorry you’re displeased with your free ten grand guitar.
“Not about the price. It’s about the principle. Plus, that’s not the same guitar as the one I’m playing.”
How can you tell.
“I looked.”
…
You’re right, yeah.
ALSO: if you are wearing that hat and a tourist rubs vanilla ice cream all over your face, you are not allowed to fight back.
Aw, now you got other people doing it.
“I didn’t pressure him. Saw something great and wanted to be a part of it.”
Yeah, but it’s your move. That’s Bobby’s Picture Pose #2.
“What’s number one again?”
Stern visage.
“Where I stare at the camera like I’m angry, but I’ve forgotten what I was angry about, and I’m also angry about forgetting?”
Bingo.
“That’s a fun pose. Lot of subtle variations to that one. All in the eyebrows. Much like the hula is told through the hands, most of my posing is done with my brows. People concentrate on the mustache, but they don’t realize how much the eyebrows are adding.”
You’ve thought about this.
“Yeah, I’m bored as hell.”
Tour’s coming soon.
“Not soon enough.”
…
How long have you known Benicio del Toro?
“Who now?”
Don’t worry about it.
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