IMPORTANT PHONE NOISE

“Unless this is the SEC, Jamie Dimon speaking.”

“Jamie! Stevie Mnuchin here.”

“Big Steve! How’s your bird?”

“Flapping and flying, buddy. How’s the wife?”

“Judging from the credit card bills? Alive. How’s yours?”

“Aging.”

“A wife is like a dog. New one every 12 years.”

“You’re like Socrates, if he wasn’t so poor and gay.”

“I hear this a lot. How’s Washington?”

“Spectacular. You know we have a Shake Shack now?”

“Wow. Couple more years and it’ll be a city worth visiting.”

“Ah, you don’t know what you’re missing, Jamie. You ever see the cherry blossoms?”

“Yes. In Japan. And I didn’t run into one Congressman from Oklahoma when I was there.”

“D.C. is great.”

“D.C. is Reading, Pennsylvania if you added Ionic columns. I prefer a town that judges men by the proper standard.”

“Their morality and contribution to society?”

…

“HAHAHAHA!”

“Right? I got ya with that one. Anyway, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”

“Shooting the shit. Checking in with my guy. Touching base. Making sure you have cash on hand. Reaching out.”

“What was the fourth thing?”

“Gosh, you pay such good attention.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Totally normal and not unusual call, Jamie. Idle query. Popped into my head and I couldn’t google it, so I decided to call and just make sure that Goldman Sachs was liquid.”

“Oh, God, that nut-tugging fuckwit is gonna fire the Fed Chair, isn’t he?”

“NO! No! No.”

…

“Maybe.”

“Goddammit, Steve!”

“Everything’s just a hypothetical at this point. So, let’s say–hypothetically–that President Trump fired the Fed Chair. Hypothetically, would you have enough cash to cover the hiccup?”

“Hiccup? HICCUP? You’re talking about the President of the United States going to the mattresses with the Federal Reserve, and you’re calling it a hiccup?”

“What would you call it?”

“9/11 without the planes.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“He promised a wall, and he’s going to destroy Wall Street.”

“Naaaaah.”

“Steven, listen to me: we are at a dangerous precipice here. I don’t have to tell you what the markets like, do I?”

“No.”

“You tell me. I want to know that you know. I want to be sure.”

“Stability.”

“Gold star for Secretary Mnuchin. Stability. Y’see, the ‘market’ is just a metaphor, but it’s based in a physical thing. A real market. Got a whole bunch of traders. This guy has fish, and this guy has carpets, and all that. Customers come in and buy stuff. Sometimes, everyone makes a lot of money. Other times, everybody goes a little hungry. But you expect the market to be there in the morning. Do you understand me?”

“I really think you’re blowing this out of proportion.”

“Am I? You called me out of the blue to ask if the bank I run has enough cash to survive a panic.”

“Naaaaah.”

“Steve, I’m gonna let you go because I’m sure you have some more phone calls to make, but can I give you some advice?’

“Absolutely.”

“Don’t make them. Just shut the fuck up.”

“I can’t do that, Jamie. I work for Donald Trump.”

DIAL TONE NOISE BECAUSE IMPORTANT PEOPLE’S PHONES STILL DO THAT

 

You can’t still think that I’m making any of this bullshit up, can you?