“All right, everyone ready? Is everyone on the Zoom? Hello, Justice Kagan.”
“Hello, Chief Justice Roberts.”
“Hello, Justice Gorsuch.”
“Hi, Chief Justice.”
“Justice Ginsburg, are you with us?”
“I think so! My granddaughter Louie set up the Zoom on my machine. We call her Louie, because her dumbass parents named her Llewelyn. What kind of name is that for a Jew, I ask you? Llewelyn Ginsburg! Who ever heard of such a thing? Wait, I’m getting an e-mail from the IRS that says I should click on–”
“Don’t click on it!”
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE FALLING FOR THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK NOISE
“Can we have an IT guy help Justice Ginsburg out, please? Okay, let’s just get started and she’ll catch up. Everybody else ready? I see Justices Alito and Sotomayor are here. Excuse me. Sir? The gentleman in the upper-right corner of my screen. The one in the green tie. Who are you?”
“I am Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer.”
“Oh! That’s what you look like! I forget about you most of the time, to be honest.”
“I’m here.”
“Good for you. Justice Thomas, are you ready to begin?”
…
“Justice Thomas?”
CHIEF JUSTICE PEERING INTENTLY AT A ZOOM CALL NOISE
“Okay, we need another IT guy. I’m pretty sure Justice Thomas has pointed his camera at a picture of himself. Wow. Even for him, that’s lazy. I’m almost impressed. And, last but not least: How are you, Justice Kavanaugh?”
“Call me Brett!”
“Not while we’re wearing the robes, man.”
“Whatchoo wearing under yours, bro? I got a hung jury happening over here.”
“What is in that mug, Justice Kavanaugh?”
“A morning beverage.”
“Is it coffee?”
“It’s coffee-flavored. Dude, lemme plug my OnlyFans account.”
“Inappropriate.”
“I flash grundle.”
“Don’t make me mute you this early. Ladies and gentlemen of the Supreme Court, we are here today to continue hearing arguments over whether Congress has the authority to force a sitting President to hand over financial documents. Speaking on behalf of the President is Jay Sekulow. Hello, Mr. Sekulow.”
“Did I hear you say ‘Case dismissed?'”
“No.”
“What about now?”
BING!
“Did you just Venmo me a hundred bucks?”
Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.”
“Knock that off. Mr. Sekulow, can you summarize the President’s argument for us?”
“Yes, Chief Justice. I’d be happy to. When I say SUBPOENA, you say NO WAY! SUBPOENA!”
…
“SUBPOENA!”
“Mr. Sekulow, are you attempting to initiate some sort of call-and-response dialogue?”
“Yes, sir.”
“We will not have that here.”
“Chief Justice Roberts, well over half my case is based in call-and-response chanting.”
“Not my problem. State your argument.”
“Congress can’t have the President’s tax returns.”
“Because…”
“The Constitution?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“The Constitution.”
“No.”
“Then I was asking.”
“Answer’s still no. Mr. Sekulow, is the President above the law?”
“Yes, but just a little.”
“What now?”
“Well, the President gets whole different law than poor people. He’s way above that kind of law, but so is everyone on this Zoom call. Therefore, aren’t we all complicit in the same hypocrisy? And, if so, shouldn’t that force a mistrial?”
“There are no mistrials at the Supreme Court, Mr. Sekulow.”
“Maybe Congress should look into that, huh?”
“I’m back! It’s me, RBG! That’s what the kids call me, it’s adorable. My granddaughter Louie fixed my Zoom. She is like a whip. Smart like you wouldn’t believe. Not like her father, who I still partially support in a financial sense. Never panned out, that one. The second biggest disappointment in my life, after having to work with Justice Kavanaugh. Johnny, I’m taking the wheel. Ginsburg’s asking the questions now, and we’re gonna get to the Ruth, the whole Ruth, and nothing but the Ruth. You see what I did there?”
“Well done, Justice Ginsburg.”
“I can’t take the credit. That was my Louie. See what I mean about smart? Mr. Sekulow, I have many questions.”
“I may or may not have a corresponding number of answers.”
“Mr. Sekulow, is the President claiming Executive Privilege?”
“Yes.”
“But his tax returns are personal information, not government business. Executive Privilege does not apply here.”
“Yeah, but we’re gonna claim it anyway. Can’t hurt, right? Oh, and we’re also saying that the returns fall under HIPAA rules and therefore cannot be compelled.”
“What does HIPAA have to do with anything?”
“There’s most likely some medical stuff in there.”
“Completely irrelevant, sir.”
“I object.”
“We don’t do that here. Not a thing.”
“I once more call for a mistrial.”
“You know this isn’t a court from Law & Order, right? The Supreme Court has different rules. Have you not been preparing for your appearance, Mr. Sekulow?”
“Why don’t you ask Israel that, Justice Ginsburg?”
“Excuse me?”
INCOMING TWEET NOISE
“Mr. Sekulow?”
“Yes, Chief Justice Roberts?”
“Are you aware that President Trump just tweeted out NASTY JEWESS?”
“I am now, sir. Thank you for telling me. Obviously, I think that’s a very strong tweet.”
“Would you care to characterize it in any other way?”
…
“No.”
…
“I’m gonna call it ‘strong.'”
“Wonderful. Mr. Sekulow, leaving aside the abhorrent content of the tweet, do you think it’s appropriate for the President to be real-time commenting on Court proceedings?”
“I think it’s strong.”
“You found a word and you’re sticking with it, huh?”
“Yes.”
“Mr. Sekulow, are there any further arguments from the President?”
“Yes. He is so busy running the country and trying to keep Nancy Pelosi from Chinese-murdering all the unborn babies that this subpoena would be an onerous abuse of his time.”
“Busy?”
“Yes.”
“He’s watching teevee and tweeting out racial epithets.”
“Right! He’s busy!”
“We’re gonna take a recess. Someone wake up Kavanaugh.”
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