“Are we doing governors now? Blacks first, then governors? That doesn’t sound right. Governors should come first! That’s what America First means! President, then governors, then everyone who voted for me, and then good Jews, and then blacks. America First, blacks last. Everyone knows this. Are the governors coming in here?”

“No, sir. It’s a conference call.”

“Mooch?”

“Mooch? Are you kidding me? He hasn’t worked here in…y’know what? Forget it. It’s me, Mike Pence.”

“You still doing the whole Jesus thing, Mike?”

“What?”

“Great god! Hindus have too many! Only need one god!”

“I agree, sir. Can we start the call?”

“Don’t rush me. This is why you didn’t get to go to the bunker. Also, because your wife smells. Someone had to say it, Mike! She smells like old lady. Something happens down there, maybe with the chemistry, they got a whole thing going on down there. An odor. Gotta say: there’s an odor.”

“The phone call is ready, sir.”

BALL-LESS TOADY RUSHING FROM THE ROOM SO NO ONE WILL SEE HIM CRY NOISE

“Governors?”

“We’re here, sir.”

“Governors?”

“Are you looking around the room for us, sir? We’re on a conference call. We’re not there with you.”

…

“Governors?”

“Mr President, I’m going to take charge on behalf of the state executives. This is Governor Pritzker of Illinois.”

“Not a fan!”

“Well aware, sir. Mr. President, you need to tone down the divisive rhetoric. The country is in a fragile and shaky position right now, and you are fomenting violence. Nothing you’re doing right now is helping.”

“You’re fired.”

“You cannot fire me.”

“You’re impeached.”

“Can’t do that, either.”

“Why not? I was impeached. Now you’re impeached. Impeachment!”

“Not how it works. Sir, I am literally begging you to make some conciliatory remarks. Or just stop throwing gasoline on the fire.”

“Which is incredibly cheap right now thanks to me, but I have gotten no credit at all. You can fill your tank for pennies. Pennies! And no one says, ‘Thank you, Mr. President. Obama had expensive gas, and also all the gas was menthol because they love menthols.’ Not me! Best gas prices in decades.”

“That’s aside from the point.”

“The point is that all of you are pussies. Giant, giant pussies. You really looks like jerks, all of you. You let the blacks and Democrats burn your cities down, and you just sit there. Oh, no. Please don’t hurt me, Mr. Black! Or White. There are a lot of blacks named White. Not a lot of people notice that. Maybe it’s like an irony thing. Like how a really big dude is named Tiny. That would be worth looking into. Y’know what? We’ll do a task force.”

“Mr. President, can we get back to the subject at hand?”

“Your weakness? All of you are shameful. Shameful! Like dogs! You let your blacks and your hippies and anTEEfa run around like animals, and they treat you like dogs.”

“AnTEEfa?”

“That’s how I say it.”

“Why?”

“What all of you need to do is call in the Marines. I’m gonna send all of you some Marines. We have some at the White House, they’re the most enormous sons-of-bitches you’ve ever seen. And all of them come up to me, Oh, Mr. President. Please let us go to St. Louis and shoot criminals. That’s why we became Marines, Mr. President, but Obama wouldn’t let us off the chain. You need to let the Marines off the chain, or the blacks are going to keep treating you like dogs.”

“Everything you just said was either wrong or Constitutionally forbidden.”

“Constitution, shmonstitution. We can worry about the Constitution later. After my re-election, we’ll worry about the Constitution.”

“No, sir. The Constitution still applies. Which means you cannot deploy the military on domestic soil, and there are strict limits in the ways the National Guard can be utilized.”

“Nukes.”

“Good God, you didn’t just say–”

“We’re gonna do a nuclear.”

“–nukes. Jesus, take the wheel.”

“A small one. What’s the smallest nuclear we have? Maybe we do it outside a city to warn the looters. That’s what looters get! Historically, that’s what looters get! Koreans on roofs with rifles, nukes, whatever. We’re gonna try to do a small nuclear, or maybe not so small? Maybe not so small.”

“You cannot drop a nuclear device on an American city, Mr. President.”

“Sure, I can. Open up the plane door, push it out. Bing bang boom. It’s called a hatch, the plane door. In a building, you call it a door, but on a plane, it’s a hatch. You shove the nuke out and there you go. Maybe you light a fuse, I don’t know, that’s the technical stuff. I don’t get into the technical stuff, but if I did I would be great at it. Very good at technical!”

“Sir–”

“This is the radical left. Way, way, way left. You can barely see them over there, very nasty, the worst kind of people you ever wanna meet. I have friends in Los Angeles, in show biz, real sharks, high-up guys, and they called me this morning and said ‘Mr. President, the WOOD is gone. The communists and anarchists stole WOOD. All that’s left is HOLLY. We can’t leave our beautiful sign looking like that. China is laughing because we don’t have WOOD, Mr. President.’ Laughing at us!”

“Sir–”

“You’re allowed to shoot first! Someone has to shoot first, and maybe it should be the good guys for a change? We’re dealing with terrorists here, and the rules are different for terrorists. Shoot first!”

…

“I’m gonna go be sick.”

“Ooh, that reminds me. We’re doing Arby’s for lunch.”