Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Take a guy.
Put him on a stage in front of ten, twenty, fifty thousand people. Have them cheer and clap and stare and take pictures. Reward the guy, through applause and approbation and adoration and appreciation and aspiration, for doing the thing he’s good at.
Let him hear it, folks.
After all that, he’s still just a guy.
Hey, Garcia. Whatcha thinking about?
“Absolutely nothing.”
That’s the best.
“Yeah.”
Hey, Garcia. Windy?
“This thing even about us anymore?”
On and off. Focus wanders.
“It’ll do that.”
Speaking of Phil, he’s back at the Cap, which owes me an apology and probably some money. Ste4ve sent this nifty photo in; the second set’s starting soon. Watch here, or listen here.
(This is dangerously close to Hologram Garcia, but I’ll allow it. Do not make Hologram Garcia.)
Is that the same black turtleneck from the ’75 sit-in with the Diga Band in the park recounted on Lost Live Dead? To refresh your memory:
It is complete bullshit that no one has assembled a master list of Garcia’s turtleneck shows. Someone get on this.
As TotD revealed exclusively yesterday, the Martin Scorsese-produced documentary about the Dead has had its scope significantly expanded to become the Grateful Dead Cinematic Universe (GDCU), with a strategically-planned docket of solo films, team-ups, and spin-offs scheduled from now until the end of time.
After speaking with director Amir Bar-Lev, I received an anonymous text that said “Hey, this is Amir Bar-Lev.” I told him he was terrible at being sneaky, and then he sent me a picture of Billy’s dick and the texts stopped. After the precise amount of time it would take to set up a number to text anonymously from, I got an anonymous text. “Hey, this is NOT Amir Bar-Lev,” and I just went with it to save time. Then he asked me to call him Deep Throat, but I would not go with that, even to save time. “Okay, call me Margaret, because I’m leaky.”
And I asked him to stop texting me, but he sent me the official schedule for the GDCU and was all “You didn’t hear this from me,” and sent me more dick pics, at least one of which was not Billy’s. I asked him if he would stop contacting me if I leaked the information, and then he sent me a selfie, and then a text that read, “Shit. That’s not me lol,” and at that point I put the phone in the other room.
It’s still a good scoop, so here we go: The Official Schedule for the Grateful Dead Cinematic Universe.
2017
GARCIA: THE FIRST GRATEFUL DEAD Directed by the Russo Brothers, and starring T.J. Miller as Garcia (with abs), the film sets up the other films for around two hours. It’s set during Garcia’s five months in the Army, where his drill sergeant (Javier Bardem) is secretly a monster or a demon or some bullshit. Bardem hopes to get hold of one of the Six Cumberlands of Power, which will tie the GDCU together.
PIGPEN: THE OTHER FIRST GRATEFUL DEAD Ang Lee will helm this fractured, angular take on a complicated man. Keenan Thompson stars, and the Big Bad of the GDCU is introduced in the post-credits scene: it is Sean Penn sitting in a space-chair, and when we figure out what to do with him, you’ll be the first to know. Pig’s girlfriend will be played by Lupita Nyong’o. In the after-credits scene, Bill Graham appears to invite Pigpen to join the Grateful Dead Initiative.
2018
BOBBY: BOBBY Instead of a straight-forward tale, Nicolas Winding Refn planned a lyrical and evocative poem about Bobby’s summer on the ranch; he even had the synthesizer score written. Then Bobby insisted on playing himself and now it’s just three hours of a 68-year-old guy on a horse. (The horse is motion-capture, and played by Andy Serkis.) The second Cumberland of Power is involved, somehow.
PHIL & BILLY: COURT IN THE STREET Phil is played by Donnie Yen; Billy is played by Tony Jaa; the two of them kick the living shit out of each other for an hour. Then, Ned Lagin (The Rock) shows up and the two of them team up to fight him for control of the fourth Cumberland of Power. (The third Cumberland was claimed by the road crew on the Netflix spin-off show Front Street Blues.)
2019, 2020, 2021
Cancelled due to war.
2022
MICKEY: HART OF THE GALAXY Mickey, played by Miles Teller, is some sort of space pirate. Billy appears, now played by Shailene Woodley, as Flapjack the Space Fucker. (Billy was allowed to write his own part.) Keith and Mrs. Donna Jean are introduced, setting up their solo film.
KEITH & MRS. DONNA JEAN: WAR IN THE PARKING LOT Keith is played by Donnie Yen; Mrs. Donna Jean is played by Tony Jaa; the two of them kick the shit out of each other for an hour. Then, the second set of an ’88.
2023
GRATEFUL DEAD: WAR FOR THE HEAVENS Set in 1974, the band unites for the first time (somehow) to defeat a sentient and power-mad Wall of Sound. (The Wall is motion-capture, and played by Andy Serkis.) The Grateful Dead save the world…but at what cost? The entire movie is the post-credits scene.
BOBBY II: BOBBIER This solo film is about a solo album: none of the other Grateful Deads appear, as Bobby is instead surrounded by the Midnites (John Cena, Quvenzhané Wallis, Fred Ward in an alien costume). The fallout from the Wall’s rampage–the Reno Incident–have had sever repercussions and now the Dead is feared and loathed. Bobby just wants to play music and be treated like a rock star, so he puts together the Midnites. At their first show, though, Bobby uncovers a vast conspiracy that could rip the GDCU to shreds! Aliens? Nazis? Fuck it: alien Nazis.
2024
GARCIA 2: JERRY BAND Garcia, too, is on the run: he joins John Kahn (Adrien Brody) and a talking dog named Pumpkin. (The dog is motion-capture, and played by Andy Serkis.) Billy is along for the ride, now played by Sam Rockwell. They have been chased to China, where they have fun adventures and note what progress China has made, and how many strides the Party has taken; Garcia receives a sidekick, Choog Li (John Cho), and the production receives a billion potential viewers.
TBA
2025
UNTITLED BRENT MOVIE
Turtleneck Garcia is the rarest of all Garcias, and as with all things arcane in the Dead’s universe, he was found via Lost Live Dead: a new post’s gone up about a little-known Garcia sit-in right around the time of the ’75 Lindley Meadow show, and right around the corner, too; another free show in the park that summer.
And here’s the highest praise I can give: the post was about the Jefferson Starship PLUS a Mickey solo project, and I read every word. That’s some high-quality Dead-bloggin’ right there.
Also: the picture came from a guy named Ron Draper, and you need to go check out his photos. You’ll like the Clapton one.
Learn something new every day, Enthusiasts: this existed (and probably still does, and probably now belongs to everyone’s favorite waitress-banging laudanum fiend NFL owner). Check out the site it’s from: there’s great pics and really detailed info on all of Garcia’s gear; the Amp page is bordering on monomaniacal, and therefore wonderful.
Headless guitars were a fad in the 80’s, kicked off by the Steinberger. Garcia had the guitar version:
John Kahn had the bass:
It’s a shame Garcia never played his onstage, and had an all-Steinberger show. Damned shame.
I will not burnish my aesthetic credentials, Enthusiasts: I did not always realize how goofy these things were. When I was a sophomore in high school, a guitarist from one of the senior bands at the Battle of the Bands had this beauty:
I could not have been more impressed. (That guitarist–whose name I can’t recall–also had a hot sister in my grade. Great family.)
Hey, Garcia. Whatcha doing?
“Soloing, babysitting, the usual.”
Why are there always unattended children wandering around?
“It’s in our rider.”
Oh.
As I told you yesterday, Tiger is on walkabout; when Jim Irsay is told of what he’s done three or four days from now, he’s going to freak out. So far, it has been to Terrapin Crossroads, Haight Street, and Alcatraz. (Tiger is a history buff.) As with the last time the showing of a Garcia relic coincided with a Grateful Dead semi-reunion, cries have arisen to get the guitar into Young John Mayer’s hands. This is because we are soft, and life has become so easy as to allow for time in the day to ponder such inanities.
(To list the pros and cons, but not choose a side because–like I implied–this is not something to care about: PRO, Woody Hayes already plays Wolf for those symphony shows, and who cares; CON, it’s so fucking cheesy and tacky and gross, but I don’t care.)
I mean: who gets to decide this legacy nonsense, how we’ll properly beatify the man? Does he? His current opinion is the same as mine: Garcia does not give a shit. Were he alive, it would be a different story. First of all: he would still be in the Grateful Dead, rendering the entire Josh Meyers timeline null and void. It is a certainty that were Garcia alive, and you began to play his guitar, Parish would punch you. Garcia wouldn’t even have to tell him to. And, quite frankly, you should have known better.
Tiger was Garcia’s longest-tenured guitar. It made its debut 8/4/79 at the Oakland Auditorium, replacing Wolf, and Garcia used it exclusively(?) until ’89, when it was replaced by another guitar made by Doug Irwin that was pretty much the same thing with a different piece of art glued to it. (Phil also got an Irwin with the same body, but must not have liked it, as the “devil bass” was abandoned for a passel of four-strings in the early 80’s.)
The instrument was made from nineteen different kinds of wood, four of which were bred, grown, and harvested into extinction specifically for this guitar. The core of the body was made of Oscillating Maple, which is very difficult to cut down because the lumberjacks get dizzy. This was sandwiched by North Korean Elm, which is rare. The tree itself isn’t rare–they’re all over the place in North Korea–but I think you see the problem. There was also ebony, and mahogany, and many other woods that might also be names of Pam Grier characters.
Much more exotic materials were involved in Tiger’s creation: the fingerboard was made of raw paduk, and the core of the neck was cocabola, and the headstock was pure dinglebingle. Tuning pegs were made of zincium, and could only be forged in the heart of a dying sun. The inlays took 3500 man-hours and are made of the finest father-of-pearl.
As much work went into the Tiger’s electronics as its body; if you laid all the wiring out straight, it would circle the planet 2.1 times and probably garrotte a bunch of people. The pickups were hand-wound by hand models, and there was both a pre-amp and a post-amp, plus a number of intra-amps. The electricity used to power Irwin’s soldering gun was generated via orgone.
The famous tiger logo from which the guitar gets its name conceals a hollow; Garcia generally kept a few grand in cash and a passport under the name “Jerry Businessman” in there. Sometimes he would put in some snacks, but then he would eat them, and then there would not be snacks. It was planned to add a miniaturized Slurpee dispenser, but because of the size, the only flavor would be blueberry; Garcia passed.
All of this naturally made Tiger rather heavy; it topped out at 32 tons, fully loaded, and Garcia had trouble with it until March of ’82, when he had a backup spine installed.
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