Here’s why this is secretly the most adorable picture of Phil ever taken: he didn’t want to wear his glasses with his tuxedo, and he can’t see a thing.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: jerry garcia (Page 49 of 139)
“Yeah, they made the hero of the show the asshole from the record company.”
“Stop it, you’re killing me.”
“And all the music is cover versions cuz they couldn’t afford the rights to the real stuff.”
“NOOOOO! Ha! Stop it! Who plays you, Jerry?”
“Jack Black.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Honest to God.”
“HAHAHAHA. What about Phil? Who plays Phil?”
“Some guy who was on C.S.I for a few seasons. He’s got red hair.”
“Why?”
“TV, man.”
“What about Bobby?”
“Josh Meyers.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA.”
…
“You’re serious.”
“Yup.”
…
“HAHAHAHAHAHA.”
First of all: this is a sweet photo and it makes me a little happy and a little sad.
Second: what the fuck is that thing on the table? Not the pack of cigarettes or the ashtray or the tuner or the cord or the amp. The other thing. Like a clear lint brush with the head of a crack pipe? I got nothing: assemble the Comment Section!
INT: PASTICHE RECORDS – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
EXECUTIVES of the company sit around the TABLE. A large man NAKED EXCEPT FOR A LEATHER BLAZER stands atop the table DOING LINES OFF THE LIGHT FIXTURE.
The president of the company, NOODLES BRAUNSHWEIGER, enters the room. He is played by TIM ALLEN IN A WIG.
NOODLES
We’re losing money!
ANDY WARHOL is there for some reason. He is played by PETER SERAFINOWICZ IN A WIG.
ANDY WARHOL
I hear that the Grateful Dead needs a new record
contract. Maybe you should talk to them.
MACHO is STOPPED DEAD by Warhol’s statement. Then he DOES ANOTHER LINE. Then he is STOPPED DEAD AGAIN.
MACHO
That’s it! Legendary artist Andy Warhol is right! The Dead!
Just let me go have some scenes with my wife and I’ll go sign ’em!
MACHO jumps off the table and LEAVES THE ROOM.
Then he RE-ENTERS THE ROOM and STABS NOODLES and GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE ROCK AND ROLL.
INT: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT
MACHO is standing IN THE WINGS as the DEAD PLAYS. There are MANY SHOTS of NOODLE DANCING and people HITTING JOINTS IN SLOW-MOTION. As Macho LOOKS AROUND, he is STOPPED DEAD by the POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL OR SOMETHING.
There is a BALD MAN standing next to Macho.
MACHO
(to the bald man)
Man! That’s some jamming right there! Woo! I can’t
believe they’re playing Dark Star! In MSG!
BALD MAN
Of course they’re playing Dark Star in MSG! They play it
at every show, just like your average viewer would assume.
MACHO
Right, and it’s not like there’s any way to find out what the
Dead played on any particular night.
BALD MAN
Lost to history and easily shuffled to fit the whims of the
narrative.
MACHO
Exactly! Hey, aren’t you Cli–
BALD MAN
NO! No, no: I’m Jive Mavis from Barista Records.
JIVE MAVIS is played by MICK JAGGER’S GARDENER IN A BALD CAP.
JIVE
Are you here to sign the Grateful Dead, too?
MACHO
Looks like I got some competition! Luckily, there’s
nothing more interesting than a white guy with work
problems!
Macho SHOVES HIS HEAD INTO A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF COCAINE, then STABS Jive Davis.
ONSTAGE – CONTINUOUS
The Dead plays.
BOBBY
Jer?
GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?
BOBBY
I thought this show was about the music.
GARCIA
Music, music business. What’s the difference?
BOBBY
Well, you know: quite a bit, Jer.
GARCIA
Yeah, Bob. I was making a point.
BOBBY
Ah.
GARCIA
Bobby, aren’t you producing this?
BOBBY
Yeah, but it turns out I have no idea what a TV producer does
GARCIA
Huh, yeah: me, either.
Behind them, Keith Moon DRIVES A CAR INTO A POOL.
EXT: MONTEREY POP FESTIVAL – DAY
The Summer of Love! (We cannot refer to it as the Summer of Love for legal and financial reasons.)
We FOLLOW a large man through the crowd. His name is MACHO SCUNGILLI and he works for PASTICHE RECORDS. There are many people around him: HIPPIES and BEATNIKS and WHATEVER ELSE THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT CAN FIND.
Macho is wearing BELL BOTTOMS and FLOWERS IN HIS HAIR and a LEATHER BLAZER.
He stops a SKINNY BLACK GUY with a STRATOCASTER as he passes.
MACHO
Hey, lemme borrow that for a second.
Macho grabs the guitar and FLIPS IT OVER, pouring THE MOST COCAINE YOU’VE EVER SEEN onto it, even though it’s 1967.
He SCHNARFS the YAYO.
MACHO
HOOOooooo! That’s good yayo!
(…)
What’s your name, kid?
JIMI HENDRIX
My name’s Jimi Hendrix, mister.
MACHO
Have you met Bob Weir?
JIMI HENDRIX
No, but I have a feeling that when I do meet him,
we’ll be the best of friends.
AUDIO CUE: FOXEY LADY AS COVERED BY THE MILK CARTON KIDS
A TALL MAN with a STUPID HAT walks up.
MACHO
Hey, Papa John Phillips of The Mamas and
the Papas!
JOHN PHILLIPS
Hey, brother. Peace and love.
MACHO
Peace and love.
JIMI HENDRIX
Peace and love.
MACHO
This is what the past was like. Anyway, nice
catching up, but I have to go discover The Who.
EXT: ONSTAGE – NIGHT
Four ACTORS IN BAD WIGS are onstage wearing Who costumes. The GUY PLAYING KEITH MOON clearly does NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE DRUMS. Also, The Who would not permit their songs to be used, it is a COVER of Substitute by NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL that sounds ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, EXACTLY UNLIKE THE WHO.
The Who DESTROYS THEIR INSTRUMENTS because THAT’S WHAT THE VIEWERS EXPECT and then leave the stage.
MACHO
Holy shit, guys! That was some authenticity!
PETE TOWNSHEND, who is played by MICK JAGGER’S NEPHEW answers him in a TERRIBLE BRITISH ACCENT.
PETE TOWNSHEND
Thanks, Macho. But I’ve been feeling so constrained by
pop songs. I want to write something bigger. Something grand.
MACHO
You mean like a rock…opera?
PETE TOWNSHEND
A rock opera! That’s it! Once again, the guy from the record
company is the real hero of the story.
Behind him, Keith Moon DRIVES HIS CAR INTO A POOL.
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE
JERRY GARCIA and BOB WEIR stand there, HOLDING THE WRONG GUITARS.
BOBBY
Jer?
GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?
BOBBY
I thought this show was about us.
GARCIA
Eh. Hollywood.
BOBBY
Ah.
GARCIA
Hey, who was that black guy you were playing with? That
guy could play, man.
BOBBY
Oh, that was Jimi Hendrix.
GARCIA
Cool.
BOBBY
He’s my new best friend.
GARCIA
Okay, Bob.
Behind them, KEITH MOON DRIVES ANOTHER CAR INTO ANOTHER POOL.
INT – MASSIVE APARTMENT THE ENTIRE DEAD LIVES IN FOR SOME REASON – DAY
GARCIA and MICKEY are sitting on the couch. BOBBY is in the kitchen.
BOBBY
Do we have anything but 2% milk?
MICKEY
No. Why?
BOBBY
Well, I’ve been reading the label. It doesn’t say
what the other 98% is!
AUDIO CUE: LAUGH TRACK
MRS. DONNA JEAN enters in a towel. There is another towel wrapped around her head.
AUDIO CUE: “WOOOOOO!”
BOBBY
Oh, no! A suicide bomber!
MRS. DONNA JEAN
It’s a towel, Bob. Not a turban.
AUDIO CUE: RACIST, LOWEST-COMMON-DENOMINATOR LAUGH TRACK
GARCIA
So, what’s with the getup?
MRS. DONNA JEAN
I bought some new herbal shampoo from
Big-Donged Sheila and LOOK!
Mrs. Donna Jean REMOVES THE TOWEL and her hair is TIE-DYE.
AUDIO CUE: “OHHHHHHHH!”
MICKEY
Well, Donna: you wanted to be a Grateful Dead,
and now you’ve got a grateful head!
AUDIO CUE: LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, ME SHOOTING MYSELF
Hey, Bill Walton. Who are you wearing?
“Someone gave me this t-shirt for free.”
Great.
Hey, Mickey. Who are you wearing?
“Sailor shirt to make fun of Weir.”
Still doing that?
“Always.”
Okay.
Hey, Bobby. Who are you wearing?
“Everything I have on came from Creepy Ernie’s.”
Yeah.
Hey, Phil. Who are you wearing?
“Shirt Jill bought for me.”
Sure. You wanna maybe do up another button or two?
“I do not.”
Good talk.
Hey, Billy. Who are you wearing?
“Mickey’s crotch-horns.”
Cool.
“Gonna blast ’em at that Leo kid.”
Very cool.
Hey, Josh Meyers. Who are you wearing?
“Oh, interesting that you should ask today; I’ve made some unusual choices with my ensemble. The jacket is Tom Ford, but for my shirt–”
Jesus, I should have known better.
“–I went with Brunello Cucinelli, which is just wild, right? But I figure–”
Please stop talking about your clothes.
“–man can’t live on Tom Ford alone, right?
Ch-KLACK
KABLAMMO!
…
“Did you just blow your brains out?”
I did, yes.
Hey, Pope Francis. Who are you wearing?
“I’m-a wearing da poncho!”
I see that.
“Pope-a can’t-a get wet. Little popes shoot-a off-a da back.”
You’re thinking about mogwai, Your Holiness.
“Can’t-a be too careful. Already got-a one too many popes-a.”
You and Benedict not getting along?
“He-a start with-a da vaping!”
Oh, that’s not okay.
“Every conversation witta da guy.”
That’s terrible.
“Eh. Whatcha gon’ do? I-a forgave him.”
You’re big on forgiveness.
“It’s-a what I do.”
Hey, Garcia. Who are you wearing?
“C’mon, man. Get outta here with that bullshit.”
You’re the only one who gave the right answer.
“What else is new?”
A reminder: there has always been commentary.
Picture the Dawn of Man. Maybe a Tuesday. No one had ever done anything before, and then someone did. Immediately after that, people began reviewing it, compiling candid behind-the-scene reports about it, parodying it, and wondering what it all meant, cavemaaaaaaan.
Your tweets are today’s Talmudic commentaries, just with fewer violent hand gestures. Probably the same amount of beards.
This is Lucky Number 13, the 13th guitar that Alembic made (was Peanut the first?), and the first one made to Garcia’s specs. It sold for 62 grand back in 2012, and its (comparatively) low cost can be explained by Garcia not playing it on stage. (Although he may have used this for a Jerry Band show; I don’t recall ever seeing a picture of him with it, though.)
Lucky’s definitely a Garcia guitar: look at all the bullshit! There’s TWO plugs! One’s for the power supply! Two switches (which is nowhere near enough switches; by this point, Phil had a bass that was made up entirely of switches) and EIGHT KNOBS, one of which is located directly under the strings, kinda, for some reason.
But it’s an early model, too, obviously. Lucky is to Tiger what a coelacanth is to a tuna: you can see where the design is headed, but it ain’t there yet. The headstock is much too small, plus there are no ornately expensive inlays covering the thing. (The Dead loved their guitar inlays.)
Also, there’s only two pickups. From Wolf forward, Garcia went with three, as that is the most that will fit. The part of a guitar string from the nut to the bridge has to be a certain length, which puts a finite cap on the room you have to jam humbuckers into the thing, although I would feel comfortable in wagering that there were many discussions and sketches about how to get a fourth pickup in there. (“What if we install them sideways?”)
The page from Bonham’s about the auction notes that this item came with a Letter of Authenticity from an unimpeachable source: Bobert Herbert Walker Weir. Now, Bobby is a human and therefore fallible, but if he signs a letter saying Garcia owned the guitar, then Garcia owned the guitar. If you give Billy $40 and a tugger, he’ll sign anything you put in front of him, but Bobby’s signature is his bond.
(It should be noted that the Letter of Authenticity took up most of Bobby’s day. He signed it, and then thought “Well, how will people know that the Letter of Authenticity is authentic?” so he drafted another letter authenticating the first Letter of Authenticity. Then–and maybe you know where this is going–Bobby reasoned, “Well, how will they know that that letter is authentic?” and it went on all afternoon.)
Fun fact: Garcia gave this guitar to Matt Kelly.
Matt Kelly had a mixed and complicated relationship with the Grateful Dead.
1971 was the last time there were this few Grateful Deads. They were briefly placed on the Endangered List until someone realized the Endangered Species Act wouldn’t be passed until ’72, and by then there were either one or two more Grateful Deads depending on what month you’re talking about.
Also: Billy’s deaf, too, now? Right? You’re not allowed to be a young man that close to giant amplifiers without being an old man who leaves the closed captioning on his TV at all times.
Also also: Billy’s monitor may or may not be propped up with a hardcover book. Good job, Precarious. That’s some fine stuff-proppin’.
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