Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jerry garcia (Page 68 of 139)

Shutter

phil bobby jerry bruce shorts wow

Tossed over the transom by YumCum–

SpamJam.

–whatever, this photo from the night my new best friend and political mentor Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) attended might occupy a bit of time and space. There is not one acceptable thing about it. I’d say that we’ll go left to right, but we all know I’m going to be making repeated trips back to Phil, so let’s just begin to look at this bullshit.

(The photo blows up nice and big and clear and you just hit the “enhance” button as many times as you can because you want to say as much of this as possible. This is the Dead version of the Hubble’s Deep Field picture, except instead of seeing infinite galaxies as you zoom in, you see infinite bullshit.)

  • We start easy with Phil and note that he wearing either Keds or Cousin Eddie’s white loafers from National Lampoon’s Vacation.
  • Bobby’s hitting the Jimmy Buffet show after this.
  • The SuperCuts that Jill always takes Phil to had burned down (Garcia) so Jill took him to their less-popular competitor MiddlingCuts.
  • Which was closed, so she did it herself. You can’t see it, but she cut the bejeezus out of Phil’s left ear.
  • Holy shit, are those jeggings, Garcia?
  • Everyone needs to stop using the Time Sheath technology to go shopping.
  • We can assume that the drummers are up to some bullshit, but can’t see them. I mean, statistically: Billy’s so drunk that he’s no longer racist and wearing a shirt that, in defiance of God’s love, is both tie-dyed and Hawaiian at the same time; and Mickey’s got some sort of smart condom attached to his dong and is trying to make music with his boner, but we can’t verify these things. Therefore, the drummers win this photo by default.
  • Is Bobby wearing Dead sneakers?
  • There are Dead sneakers?
  • If so, how have I not seen Mickey wearing them?
  • Bruce looks like he’s gonna ask you about the drive over and whether you want a hot dog or a hamburger.
  • Bobby got his socks at Tan Francisco’s Vague Mexican Food and Hosiery. Francisco (who was simply courting skin cancer) sold only the finest in…socks? Leg warmers? They definitely went on your feet. While you were there, you could order a taco or a burrito or an enchilada. You could order whatever the hell you’d like, but you received some stuff wrapped up in a corn something.
  • Phil looks like the Target assistant manager who got fired for killing all those people.
  • Plus, he’s singing. Yay.
  • If you were naked and in public and someone offered you your choice of anything being worn in this picture, you’d choose the accordion. The accordion is the most acceptable thing in this picture.
  • Do you realize how tough that is in a non-Bavarian setting?

Til Death Do You Part

jerry manasha hawaii

Hey, Garcia.

“Hey, buddy.”

Which wife is that?

“Second? Third? Let’s just say ‘current’.”

Was she the crazy one?

“You are gonna need to be a shitload more specific than that. Virtually everyone in my life could be described that way.”

Well, what’s her name?

“Marsupial.”

No.

“Mamalookaboobooday.”

Don’t think so.

“Malthusian.”

Her name is an adjective describing a discarded theory of population growth?

“This isn’t Mountain–

No, it’s not fucking Mountain Girl.

“–Girl, is it?”

“I’m sure it’ll come up in conversation. Or I’ll read it in the divorce papers. Fuck it: we’re on vacation.”

I noticed the shirt.

Now The Senator Came Down Here

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So, did any of you talk to a Unites States Senator recently?

Thanks to the sleuthing of Respected Commentator BoobTube–

SpamJam

–we can safely say this picture was taken the night of 8/3/94 at the old Giants Stadium, which I am linking to for the same reason people slow down at car accidents, or watch those Faces of Death videos, because in addition to it being a terrible performance of a horrid setlist: it’s AUD-only.

Caveat Auditor.

(Senators get good seats to things. I should’ve majored in Being a Senator.)

In A Green Room With Black Curtains

 

“Listen, putz, that ‘spread,’ as you might so mendaciously call it, in the Green Room is a shonda. You have the great Bill Graham, the great Grace slick, the great Jerry Garcia, and the great Bill Graham coming to do your fakokta  show and there’s–what? A Cheeeeeese plate? And plastic bottles of soda pop? How dare you treat artists such as this with such contempt? They could have done a national program and zip, zop: all the publicity done. But, no: they appear on your rinky-dink little show, with its rinky-dink chairs, and its rinky-dink host.

“Setting the backstage ambience, mood, whatever: this has always been Bill Graham’s ace up his sleeve. When Tito Puente played for me, in honor of his Puerto Rican heritage, I turned the heat up really high. When Led Zeppelin came to town, I allowed them to beat several of my employees nearly to death. When Clapton headlined, I made sure that anyone with a darker complexion than a paper bag was out of his sightline.

“Wonderful guitarist, terrible racist, Eric Clapton.”

“The great Grace Slick has passed out. Go to commercial, or you’ll never work in the music business again.”

Live/Dead From Hollywood, California

Even allowing the Dead in the city of Los Angeles during the Academy Awards was inadvisable, but inviting them to perform a medley of that year’s Best Song nominees was downright foolish.

To their credit, the Boys did rehearse. Well, they hung out in Bobby’s studio for a week or so, and played a little, but spent most of their time on the phone arguing with the manager of the local chicken joint. (“But, we’re not in Kentucky. Do you fry it there, and then ship it out? Hello?”) There was also a pinochle game.

As far as the actual medley goes, they did not get around to it. For a number of reasons, of course: Garcia found four of the five tunes “pedestrian;” Bobby got confused at to which mailbox was his and, instead of the charts and tapes he had been sent, got a Berlitz course and spent his time learning Italian; Phil was just lazy as usual and didn’t do it, relying on the ol’ perfect pitch to pull him through, even though perfect pitch has nothing to do with arrangements.

It should be noted as this point that, of all Great Bands, the Grateful Dead may have been the least-suited of all to the medley format. Medleys rarely, if ever, allow for four or five minutes wandering around the stage smoking and fiddling with doohickeys. They also–and here’s the real dealbreaker–don’t change dependent on whether or not you’re “feelin’ it.”

Medleys require serious rehearsal, not two hours of jamming on a riff that Bobbys been promising to turn into a song for 18 months now. They need someone to lead the band and tell people what to play, which in the Dead so often ended poorly: with the ritual punching of the dicks, or hiding for a decade in a basement being a junkie, or Bobby’s solo albums.

“Um, okay: here are the changes and there’s a chorus in here somewhere, so when I find, I’ll cue you. Bobby, you know the words?”

“Yes?”

That bullshit right there? The way all the other Dead songs came together? That bullshit right there does not work for the Oscars.

They should have been cut before the show: all the signs of a disaster were there. Brent showed up in one of his furry costumes. He had affixed a bow-tie to it, but that somehow made it worse. Billy mistook the red carpet for the valet stand and ran over Anjelica Houston. Then, he mistook Sidney Poitier for a parking attendant and tossed him the keys.

Bobby had a lovely chat with Tom Hanks, who is just as wonderful as you think he is, about space and World War II that was unfortunately and suddenly brought to an end by Mickey’s duffel bag full of raccoons. (Marlon Brando got bitten, but hired a Puerto Rican woman dressed like Pocahontas to accept the vaccinations for him.)

Bad luck multiplied, as it will. The opening number, a schmaltzy broadway-style goof in which the affable and gently-talented host sings about how wonderful the industry he belongs to is, ran so long that by the time it was over, the show was four days behind schedule.

The Dead took the stage to an audience made up of mainly seat-fillers, the stars having decamped to do cocaine at one another and let out the farts they’d been holding in for hours. They made an abortive stab at the Randy Newman song they were supposed to do, then played Playin’ in the Band for twenty minutes.

They were not allowed in Elton John’s after-party.

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