- I’m not even asking for a blueprint, Bear: just a clear description of what exactly a “Wall of Vows” is and why it costs three hundred thousand dollars.
- Lenny Hart just stole the wedding cake.
- You dosed the bridesmaids? I dosed the bridesmaids! Jesus, how many people dosed the bridesmaids? We should go check on them.
- Billy, you really should have brought an aquarium or some water if you were going to give the couple tropical fish. They all died so quickly and predictably and preventably. It was sad.
- Plus, you were throwing them at people.
- Hey, is that Kim Jong-Un?
- Mickey insisted on teaching everyone Jewish wedding traditions and long story short: Bobby threw a chair out a window; Phil broke a glass against the bar and is currently threatening the bartender with it while demanding to know “Just what the fuck is vermouth, anyway?”; and someone from the road crew sacrificed a flawless red heifer born in the west, and between that and the fish, it’s starting to smell up in here.
- Who let Ned Lagin DJ?
- Billy and Mickey have been improvising a percussion battle using the silverware and the older relatives’ walkers and wheelchairs for 35 minutes and it’s starting to wear thin.
- Garcia’s officiant powers went to his head and now he won’t stop marrying people against their will.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: jerry garcia (Page 80 of 139)
After the show, Garcia asked Branford to join the group permanently, except he did it in front of Bobby, and Bobby starting crying.
They walked around like that for a while. It was a San Francisco version of The Defiant Ones, except both of them were white (pretty much) and they enjoyed each other’s company in an argumentative sort of way.
Halfway down Embarcadero, Bill got one of his ideas and starting painting the dates for upcoming shows on homeless people; Garcia wandered off.
“Oh, good: the guitarists brought their guitars. That way, everyone will know they’re guitarists.
“Phil, the directions were to come dressed up and…oh, I didn’t realize that was a collared tie-dye. Classy. You and Jill having date night after this?
“Can we have some people looking at the camera and others just talking amongst themselves at random, please?
“Is the bearded one in the back gonna collapse? Because he’s gonna collapse.
“Looking good, Bob. Chess King have a return policy?”
The speaker behind Garcia looks horrified.
“No backdrop? No problem: we can sloppily hang up my wrinkled bedsheets behind you.
“Now, guys, here’s my idea: backwoods sex criminals with hearts of gold. And a Jew.”
It’s like all follicles he was allowed were concentrated solely on his head: I will bet three American dollars and an opened box of oatmeal raisin cookies that you could not tell the difference between Garcia’s calf and a porpoise’s belly through the sense of touch alone.
Also: shorts by Parish’s knife.
Despite what Marvel Studios would have you believe, the word “tesseract” actually means something: it’s not just the superhero version of the Letters of Transit or Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase. A tesseract is to a cube as a cube is to a square and it exists in four dimensions: its volume is greater than its mass. It is–mathematically–larger on the inside.
This is the only way to describe how much Full Muppet there is here. The only way there could be more Muppet is if Frank Oz were elbow-deep in Garcia.
Seriously?
ps The tesseract is also known as a hypercube and can be imagined easily. Picture a cube. Now make it hyper.
Wondering where drummer David Kemper was in the previously-posted shot? No? Not even a little?
…
Well, you can kiss it. That’s right: kiss it.
Are you done?
Yes.
…
What’s “it?”
WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW, MISTER MAN.
Knock it off or you’re going to kiss mine. Both of you.
Anyway: just where was David Kemper, ten-year veteran drummer of the Jerry Band, during the photo shoot? TotD investigates…
- Kemper is half-Norweigian and the Winter Olympics were airing.
- Daylight Savings Time misunderstanding.
- He was with friends! Stop interrogating David Kemper: you’re not his real dad!
- Billy kidnapped him out of jealousy.
- Billy kidnapped him for money.
- Billy kidnapped him accidentally. (Billy would revert to muscle memory sometimes and kidnap people in a fugue state, like a man driving to his previous house after work, except with more duct tape and ski masks.)
- Afro shame.
- Brief side note: what do you think the street value of Garcia’s flannel is? Couple hundred, right? Gotta be a couple grams of whatever in the frocket alone.
- He had built a log flume in the backyard of his Iowa home and, from out of the cornfields, great log flumists of the past came to ride with him.
- He was assigned to a lonely outpost in Indian country, whereupon he befriends them and has sex with a woman who is conveniently white.
- Lupus. (It wasn’t lupus.)
- Car hit a pelican and when he went to investigate, the pelican–merely stunned–pulled a knife and chased him down Market Street.
- Kemper figured that Garcia wouldn’t notice whether he was there or not, so he slept in.
“Okay, could Garcia and John Kahn look as high as humanly possible? Higher than that.
“How about a closed eye/crazy eye thing? Oh, and you’re gonna give me the double-thumbs? Thanks: that’s a help.
“And can we have the band segregate itself racially, please? Thanks.
“Say cheese!”
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