Little did Bill Graham know it, but the Dead had dosed his hoodie.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: John Perry Barlow (Page 3 of 3)
“Hey, Bobby,” Garcia said under his breath.
“I don’t wanna talk about it, man.”
“The hat’s cool and all…but, you know: the hat’s not all there is to the matter, is it?””
“I am not even looking at you. Please shut up.”
Bobby doodled on his guitar.
“I feel like I should ask him which side he served in Mr. Lincoln’s infernal war.”
“Listen, he’s my friend. Leave it alone. Your friends are terrible, too.
Far from requiring a third party to do his murdering, John Perry Barlow had himself straight-up shot a handful of fuckers, in broad daylight no less, but each incident was reviewed by the magistrate on his visit to town and declared “a righteous killin’ of a man what needed killin’.” (“He needed killing” is still an acceptable plea in Wyoming courts.)
On a Ratdog tour in the Aughts, Bobby ran into Bret “The Hitman” Hart in the bar of the San Antonio Embassy Suites. Bobby mistook Hart for Jimmy Snuka; luckily, Hart had also been washing down opiates with ethanol and thought he was talking to Neil Young. Everyone enjoyed themselves, but not much got accomplished.
John Perry Barlow hasn’t been invited to any birthday parties in a while because he shoots at piñatas.
Before descending into the Caves of N’st, where love stumbles and reason goes to lunch and doesn’t tell anyone in the office where it’s going, Bobby and Garcia and Bill Graham would bullshit for a little while.
p.s. Look at this photo: the guy taking it was a good hike away, but Bobby’s using his laser eyes on him. Bobby’s like a bird of prey when it comes to spotting cameras.
One time at a pool party, Garcia and Bobby were drinking mai-tais and thinking about doing some titty-fucking when they saw Hunter talking to John Perry Barlow by the grill. John Perry Barlow was in control of the fire; he had also brought the meat, which he had killed with a rifle made out of liberty and butchered with a knife made from freedom. Hunter wanted a burger and a frank because he had been eating healthy and he deserved a treat.
“Mine can beat yours,” Bobby said
And that was probably true, mostly because John Perry Barlow is a big farm dude. And because he was waving his pistols around to emphasize a point he was making at the time, but to John Perry Barlow’s credit, he had only fired the guns two or three times, which he would argue was “the absolute fewest times I could have discharged my weapons at a pool party with children present.”
Garcia mulled it over.
“How would we even…,” Garcia said. “Would we poke them with sticks?”
“Well, that’s how we race the groupies. So: yeah, sure.”
Except Hunter heard and got insulted, so he moved somewhere they speak the wrong language and didn’t call anyone for seven years.
Things we learned during John Perry Barlow’s AMA on Reddit.
- One time, his backstage pass read ‘The guy who’s not Hunter’ and that made him so sad.
- Information wants to be free, but he prefers to get paid for speaking and writing and stuff.
- Once wrote a song about an alcoholic midget golfer called Dorf Rat.
- Bobby smells like vanilla, but in a manly way.
- Back in the good old days, John Perry Barlow liked to get fucked up and shoot pistols off in enclosed spaces to support his arguments. Even Mickey thought that was wrong. “Someone could get hurt,” Mickey said, and this is a man who once chased a roadie with a chainsaw because his gong hadn’t been polished properly.
- 50 duck-sized horses.
- Sometimes Garcia would tell him, “You’re such a good friend: I think of you like a brother,” and John Perry Barlow’s heart would break all over again.
- He is not related to the guy from Dinosaur, Jr.
- He doesn’t write songs much anymore, his time being occupied by sitting in exotic cities with other rich, smart people talking about how rich and smart they are.
- Bradley Manning should be on the twenty-dollar bill and President Obama should be impeached, then visited by the Tickle Monster. (I might be paraphrasing slightly: there is a distinct possibility that I was just skimming at this point, looking for stuff about the Dead.)
- John Perry Barlow is pretty sure he’s The Most Interesting Man in the World. In his defense, he kind of is.
- Him and Bobby once helped each other out, hand-wise, but that doesn’t make him gay because Bobby really did look like a girl back then.
- If he had time to prepare, Batman would win.
- Keith, no contest. It was like a baby’s arm holding an apple.
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