Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a watchin’ da teevee. Second season of-a Stranger Things don’t make-a no sense. Is-a no scary.”

I think you’re actually talking to astronauts, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. I make-a da joke.”

You’re a funny Pope.

“Not like-a Clement XIII. Hands-a down, da funniest Pope-a.”

When was he Pope?

“In-a da 1760’s. They’re still-a talkin’ about him here. Made-a da big impression. He knew all-a da jokes. When-a da nuns would leave-a da room, he would-a work blue. And-a he could dance. Real-a triple threat, Clement XIII.”

Sure. So what’s the best part of being Pope?

“I like-a dis part. Talkin’ to-a da people. They got-a da hope in-a their hearts. Is-a nice. Make-a me happy.”

That’s an encouraging answer.

“And I like-a da Vatican gym.”

Is it nice?

“You gotta see dis place. Is-a swanky. Towel service is-a free. Got-a da juice bar where they make-a da smoothies. They taste-a so good, but-a they good for you, too. Is-a da best of both-a da worlds.”

Sounds pretty sweet.

“I do-a da hot yoga. Lift-a da weight. Take-a da shvitz. Sometimes, I sit on-a da bike and watch-a my stories. Is-a so boring otherwise.”

Cardio is a chore.

“I don’t-a look at-a da clock. I put-a da towel over it.”

Then how do you know how long you’ve done?

“When-a da second Judge-a Judy episode is-a over, so is-a my ride.”

You’re a fan of Judge Judy, Your Holiness?

“Si, si. Love-a da Judge-a Judy. She don’t take-a no crap. I wish I could-a hire her to be-a da canonization judge.”

The canonization judge?

“Si. Before-a you become-a da saint, there’s-a da trial. Got-a someone arguing-a for you, and-a someone against. Is-a where da phrase ‘Devil’s advocate’ comes from.”

I learned something today.

“And-a it takes forever. With-a da back and forth. Judge-a Judy? She’d-a be done in eight minutes. She-a say, ‘You, you gonna be-a da saint. You, you gonna no be-a da saint.’ We could-a be home by lunch.”

She is efficient.

“And-a she says the stuff. I love-a da stuff she-a say. ‘Don’t-a poop on my lawn and-a tell me da ice cream truck came-a by.’ That sort-a da thing.”

I agree, Pope Francis, but I think you have to keep up appearances. And, besides: Judge Judy is Jewish.

“So was-a da Jesus.”

True.