Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: katy tur

A Partial Transcript Of Secretary Of State Mike Pompeo’s Interview On Katy Tur Live, 1/24/20

“Good afternoon, and welcome to Katy Tur Live. On today’s show, I’ll talk to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and complain about Phish’s summer tour schedule. First is the Secretary of State. Secretary Pompeo, thanks for coming on MSNBC.”

“Hi, Katy. I thought I was on NPR today.”

“You were, but the idiot who writes this has a crush on me.”

“Understandable. You’re hot enough to be on Fox.”

“Thank you.”

“God, I wanna wash your hair.”


“Not in the shower. A salon-type setting. With the sink and the chair that leans back. I got strong fingers, Katy. I’d get a good lather going.”

“I’m moving forward. Secretary Pompeo, what is the plan in regards to Iran? Is there any serious thought about reopening diplomatic channels?”

“Every thought President Trump has is serious, Katy. Even his jokes. He’ll tell one and then later on you’ll think, ‘Wow. There was a lot of truth and heart in there.’ For example, any time someone brings up Puerto Rico, he’ll say, ‘They steal hubcaps, those people.’ And we all laugh, but there’s some real food for thought in there.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I answered a question.”

“Diplomatic entreaties to Iran, sir. Have any been made?”

“We’re building a coalition to deal with the Iranians, Katy. We have Israel on board, and the Saudis. Imagine how evil a regime has to be to get those two countries to team up against you. And Britain. They’re with us all the way. Apparently, they’re gonna have a whole lot more unemployed young men soon, and a good war would be perfect for them right now. They’re champing at the bit.”


“Chomping? Chomping at the bit?”


“I can never remember which one is right. Anyway: the Brits are in favor of nuking Tehran.”

“Is that on the table?”

“It’s not not on the table. Maaaaaaybe Tehran gets nuked, and maaaaaaaybe it doesn’t. America operates from a position of strength. Lemme wash your hair, Katy.”


“I’ll nuke you.”

“Stop it. Secretary Pompeo, since the President pulled the United States out of the nuclear deal, Iran is actually closer than ever to achieving their nuclear ambitions. They have more centrifuges. They have built more facilities. They have stockpiled more uranium.”

“Says who?”

“Independent verification.”

“Well, there you go. The Trump Doctrine does not include verification. Remember how Reagan said Trust, but verify? We just do the trust part. And we trust that Iran is full of demons and creepshows and ladies with blankets where their faces should be.”

“Right, but–”

“Katy, Iran has been warned by President Trump to behave themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. The Iran deal wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. I mean, it was signed by a black guy! If it was an NBA contract, then we’d be good, but not a nuclear pact.”

“–my God.”

“Iran won’t develop nukes.”

“Right. That’s your goal, but what is the strategy?”

“Not letting them.”



“Let’s change the subject. Do you feel you owe Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch an apology?”



“I owe that split-tail nothing! NOTHING! No one treats their team better than Magic Mike!”

“Magic Mike?”



“Why would I owe anyone an apology? I didn’t apologize when I ran my wife over with the Suburban, so I’ll be damned if I apologize to Weird Al Yankovic or whoever.”

“You ran your wife over?”

“She’s a darter. She’s here, then BAM she’s there. Quick woman. Plus, she was wearing black and we just had the driveway resurfaced.”

“Back to Marie Yovanovitch.”


“Secretary Pompeo–”

“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished in Ukraine. We’ve made huge strides in wiping out the corruption so endemic to that nation. Obama didn’t care about it. Obama sent Hunter Biden. We sent Rudy Giuliani. Case closed.”

“–a senior State official recently testified that he resigned over your unwillingness to defend Ambassador Yovanovitch against Mr. Giuliani and his associates, all of whom are now facing federal criminal charges.”

“That didn’t happen.”

“Yes, sir. Your advisor Michael McKinley testified to the fact before Congress.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Why are you waving your hand at me? Are you trying to Jedi Mind Trick me, Secretary?”

“No one resigned from anywhere.”

“Knock that off.”

“Katy, the simple fact is that no one gives a damn about Ukraine. You’ve never been there–”

“I have.”

“–I’ve never been there–”

“You absolutely have.”

“–so maybe Ukraine isn’t really a place? Maybe the real Ukraine was the friends we made along the way?”

“Ukraine is a place. It is real. It is a country. 40 million people live there.”

“Oh, you’re an expert now? You’re, like, the Ken Jennings of knowing that Ukraine exists?”


“If you’re so smart, then point out Ukraine. Here, here’s an unlabeled map. I want you to point it out.”


“Secretary Pompeo, that is a photograph of the Jonas Brothers.”

“So it is. Fine. Point to the Ukrainiest Jonas. In every group dynamic, someone’s the Ukraine. Which Jonas is Ukraine, Katy? Is it Nick? Is it Joe? Is it the other one? Choose correctly, or you have no credibility in international diplomacy.”

“Sir, this is beneath both of us.”


“We’re gonna take a break.”

A Partial Transcript Of Katy Tur’s Interview With Secretary Of Defense Mark Esper

“Good morning, and welcome to Katy Tur Live, which is apparently a Sunday morning show now. At least you’re not staring at Chuck Todd’s vagina-mouth. With me to discuss this week’s military entanglements with Iran is Secretary of Defense Mark Esper.”

“Hi, Katy. They get Trey out of the rigging?”

“He’s fine.”

“Good to hear. Both Italians and gingers still count as Real Americans© to the Trump administration.”


“Although, who knows what our second term will bring?”

“Early in the interview to get this crazy, but let’s just plow forward. Secretary, the White House and the President have given several conflicting accounts of the intelligence that underlaid the decision to assassinate Qasem Soleimani.”

“Used to be Soleimani. Now there’s Solei-none.”

“You told a joke.”

“We’ve been laughing about that one in my office all week. Laughter is the best medicine. Wouldn’t have helped Soleimani, though. We hit him with a half-dozen Hellfire missiles. No amount of chuckling is gonna make that better.”

“Yes, sir. President Trump on Friday tweeted out that Soleimani was planning to attack four embassies.”


“Is that true?”

“Sure. He tweeted that.”

“No, I’m not asking if it’s true that the President tweeted. I’m asking if the contents of the tweet are true. Were there imminent attacks planned on four embassies?”

“Crazier things have happened, Katy. I’d certainly believe that more than I would that he was planning eight attacks. I would only believe that half as much as the four embassy thing. Sixteen? A quarter as much. My belief is logarithmic, I guess.”

“What intelligence is the President using when he says that there were four attacks planned?”

“His own. Which is great. President Trump’s mind is like a steel trap. No! Titanium. Titanium trap.”

“But was there evidence from the intelligence community?”

“I love that phrase, ‘intelligence community.’ I always picture a whole neighborhood of folks in trenchcoats and fedoras holding newspapers with eyeholes in front of their faces.”

“Please concentrate.”

“Katy, if the President says that Soleimani was planning on attacking four embassies, then he was. Case closed.”

“Imminent attacks?”

“The imminentest. So much more imminent than anyone could imagine.”

“Within days?”

“Sure, yeah, maybe.”


“Could be weeks. Weeks is pretty imminent.”


“Months count as imminent. I would call months imminent.”

“Which is it, sir?”

“One of those! A segment of time. Not minutes. That’s absurdly soon. But, yeah: days, weeks, months. Sounds right. If I were a terrorist, then that would be my preference.”

“You’re not actually saying anything, Secretary.

“Katy, President Trump prevents somewhere between two and five 9/11’s every day.”

“Is there any evidence for that?”

“Absolutely! No 9/11’s!”

“That’s not how evidence works. Secretary, which embassies were the four attacks planned for?”

“What now?”

“Which four embassies were to be attacked?”

“Excellent question.”

“Thank you, Secretary.”

“People underestimate you, Katy.”

“Because of my looks.”

“No, because you’re a woman.”


“Have I distracted you from your line of questioning?”

“No. Which four embassies?”

“Well, uh…the one in Iraq. That’s a gimme.”

“That’s one.”


“The United States abandoned its embassy in Damascus in 2012.”

“You don’t say.”


“I was testing you to see if you knew that information. Congratulation, you passed.”

“Uh-huh. The second, third, and fourth embassies, Secretary Esper?”


“Iran was planning to attack the American Embassy in Canada?”

“Yes. Much like the Arabs used the holy day of Yom Kippur to launch a war on Israel, the Iranians were planning on taking advantage of the nation’s grief over Neil Peart’s death.”

“You leave the Professor out of this.”

“That’s why they’re terrorists, Katy! Monsters!”

“Your assertion is that Iran planned to hit the U.S. embassies in Baghdad and Ottawa. Where else?”


“Not a real place.”


“Also from a comic book.”


“Stop it. Secretary Esper, did you personally read any reports predicting attacks on our embassies?”

“Read? Who’s got time to read anymore? I’m still working on The Corrections.”

“Yes or no, sir. Did you see any evidence or are you taking the President’s word?”

“President Trump’s word is evidence!”

“Again: that is not how evidence works.”

“I don’t know what happened in your life to cause you to be so cynical, Katy, but I was raised to trust America’s Commander-In-Chief. Unless he’s black.”

“I’m ignoring that and gonna ask you one last time: did you, Mark Esper, see any official documents implicating Qasem Soleimani in imminent attacks on American embassies?”

“Define ‘official.'”

“I’m gonna take that as a ‘no.’ We’ll be back after this.”

A Partial Transcript Of Mike Pompeo’s Appearance On Katy Tur Live, 1/3/20

“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur, and welcome to Katy Tur Live. 2020 is only three days old, and already Australia has burned to a crisp, Trey has been stuck on a platform, and America has launched airstrikes against Iranian militias operating inside Iraq. At this pace, we’ll all be living in a Cormac McCarthy novel by March. With me to discuss the surprise military attacks is the Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo.”

“Thank you for having me, Katy. Y’know, we could have gotten your little hippie friend out of the rigging.”

“Without killing him?”



“Secretary, on Thursday, the United States launched a drone-based attack against one of Iran’s top leaders, Qasem Soleimani, killing him along with several other high-ranking Iranian military commanders.”

“Was it Thursday? Felt like a Monday. I got no idea what day it is.”

“Yes, it was Thursday.”

“You sure? You start new things on a Monday. Diets, exercise routines, world wars: those are Monday kinda deals.”

“Thursday, sir. Can you give us some background on the decision to kill Soleimani?”

“Sure. Bad guy! Who was the last one we blew up, Bababooey?”


“Right, that guy. Well, Soleimani was much, much worse. Responsible for up to 50,000 American deaths.”

“Excuse me? Are you blaming the Iranian general for the murder of 50,000 Americans?”

“Up to. Up to 50,000. Somewhere from zero to 50,000.”


“This sucker was a bad mammajamma. World’s a better-off place with him dead. Real mean dude, Katy. Hated America almost as much as the Democrats do. Actually, I don’t know about that. Soleimani never tried to stage a fake impeachment.”

“Mm-hmm. When was the order given to take him out?”

“Funny story about that: President Trump polled the room at Mar-a-Lago on New Year’s. It was unanimous.”

“Wait, let me get this straight. The buffet line at President Trump’s golf club was consulted, but the Senate was not?”

“Lindsey Graham was there. And so was Lou Dobbs, who’s pretty much a Senator at this point.”

“He is not.”

“He looks like a Senator, though. Gotta give the Dobbinator that. If you were making a movie and needed a guy to play a U.S. Senator, you’d call Big Lou.”

“That doesn’t make any of this all right, Secretary.”

“Katy, we have high-level intelligence that Soleimani was planning something.”

“Planning what?”

“Something. Something bad. Not just hinky, but real bad. Like, you’d remember where you were when it happened.”

“Okay. What?”

“Oh, God, it was gonna be awful. Dead kids everywhere. White kids, Katy. The kids that matter.”

“A terrorist attack on American soil?”

“Maaaaaaaaybe. Definitely possible. Absolutely foreseeable. What did Bob Dylan say about weathermen and wind?”

“Leave Dylan out of this, please. Secretary, was there a concrete plan to harm Americans?”

“Lemme put it this way: if he didn’t want to kill Americans, then why was his name Qasem?”


“Can’t answer that, huh?”

“Secretary, what is our next step?”

“After this, I’m gonna do another interview on Fox News.”

“I meant for the country.”

“Katy, what President Trump has done by launching attacks is to guarantee peace. You see, President Trump understands the Iranians. Far better than Barack Obama did, even though he was born there.”

“He wasn’t.”

“No one wants war, which is why we had to start one.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s like when our brave firefighters combat the wildfires out west. They’ll light a small blaze to burn out the fuel in the larger fire’s path. The upcoming war with Iran can only be prevented by the current war with Iran.”

“That makes no sense.”

“You have to spend money to make money.”

“Nope. That saying does not apply here in any way.”

“Gotta be cruel to be kind.”

“Also not applicable.”

“Katy, the fact that President Trump has not received the Nobel Peace Prize for this merely points out the communism and hatred of the selection committee.”

“It only happened 36 hours ago.”

“Special award. They should have reconvened for a special session and given it to him.”

“Secretary, I am still failing to see how assassinating a foreign leader will lead to peace.”

“Oh, I don’t like the word ‘assassination.'”

“What would you call it?”

Explosively demoted.”

“You did not demote General Soleimani.”

“He was turned into motes. Okay, fine: we explosively moted him. And the Iranians are thrilled.”

“They are not.”

“I have been on the phone all day with Iranians. Most of ’em like to be called Persians, but they’re really Iranians. Anyhoo, they were on board. You know the Iron Sheik?”

“The wrestler?”

“Real bright guy. Couldn’t thank me enough for killing Soleimani. Kept calling him a jabroni. Great word. That was a fun call.”

“Secretary, it truly does not matter what professional wrestlers think about the administration’s actions in Iraq. I return to an earlier question: what is the plan now?”

“We’re gonna keep de-escalating the situation, no matter how many missiles we have to launch to do it.”

“I need to go to a commercial before my head explodes.”

Joe Biden Appears On Katy Tur Live, 11/18/19

“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. You could find a lake and shit in it, but no: you’re watching MSNBC. Today’s guest is the former Vice-President of the United States Joe Biden. Thank you for being here, sir.”

“No problem, Katy. First off: great sweater. Really shows off your personality.”

“Thank you. Mr. Vice-President, you recently appeared at a forum in Las Vegas where you were questioned on your stance towards marijuana legalization.”

“Wild town, Vegas. They go all night.”

“Could you clarify your opinions for me, sir?”

“Go in the summer. People think it’s too hot, but it can’t be too hot for me. Love that weather. I go in July, sit out at the cabana.”

“Not your opinions about Las Vegas, sir. Will the Biden Administration legalize marijuana at the federal level?”

“Hold your horses, little missy. Put the brakes on. We don’t wanna go passing out marijuana to fifth-graders.”

“No one does.”

“We had a guy back home in Scranton, used to play the trombone with bands. Called him Potto. Always high like a kite, stumbling around, real sloppy guy. Turns out he had a thing for kids. The whole neighborhood found out at once. It was a real different time back then. They found a whole bag full of reefer in his apartment. Maybe that’s what made him do those things.”

“Are you suggesting some sort of link between cannabis and child molestation?”

“It is a gateway drug, Katy. First, you smoke a little hash, then you shoot a bit of dope, and then you touch a kid.”

“That is entirely wrong, sir. I cannot allow that statement to stand unchallenged. Either produce evidence for your claim or retract it.”

“I’m not saying everyone touches kids.”


“It’s happened. Individuals have lived through that particular progression before. Not all. I’ll give you ‘not all.’ Maybe not even a lot. But it’s happened.”

“Are you saying you do not favor legalization?”

“What do we really know about marijuana, Katy? Is it a trick? What are its effects on scoliosis? Can it be reasoned with, or intimidated? I spent four decades in the United States Senate, and I wanna know just what marijuana’s capabilities are. The ins, the outs, really get under the hood. Evidence, Katy. When it comes to marijuana, we need more evidence.”

“You’re saying there should be more research?”

“I wanna see more science. I always wanna see more science. Every morning, Helen–that’s my girl, Helen, you’ve talked to Helen–says, ‘Whaddya want today, boss?’ and I say, ‘Bring me the science!’ I yell it. I love doing the business of America.”

“So you would remove marijuana from the DEA’s list of Schedule I drugs, allowing it to be tested more openly?”

“Katy, that list is the worst of the worst. Real bad hombres. You got your heroin, and you get addicted to that. You run around on the streets like a nut, maybe you got a knife. It’s no way to live, and that’s our family. We love them, but it’s no way to live. LSD is on there, too. Hippies called it acid, and it’s still around, and it is still a rotten apple. Don’t bite it! Acid messes up your mind, and a lot of people never come back. Happened to a guy from my fraternity. Real sharp guy, bright, going places. He took acid. Stabbed people! We can’t have that.”

“Mr. Vice-President, marijuana is provably safer than either heroin or LSD.”

“And ecstasy. That’s a new one. That’s the rave drug. I’ve seen pictures of these parties. Women wear outfits like you wouldn’t believe. Big furry boats, goggles, it’s a wild look. Kills thousands a year. Very dangerous, just like pot.”

“No, sir, ecstasy does not kill thousands a year.”

“Mowing down the dance floor, Katy. It’s underreported how many teens are dying from this stuff. Good teens, not just black kids.”


“And when I hear that people are waving the flag for forced marijuana–”

“No one is for that.”

“–it gooses my pimples. Gooses ’em good.”

“Your pimples and their goositude notwithstanding.”

“What if the pot is laced? Pushers will do that sometimes. They lace the pot.”

“Very rare, sir.”

“I saw Denzel do it. He was a cop. Remember? He was corrupt, but he was so cool. I’m bigger than King Kong! What was the name of it? Him and a white kid, and he makes the kid smoke the wet. Denzel had made the pot ‘wet pot’ and he freaks out. They’re in Denzel’s great car and he’s training–Oh, it’s called Training Day. Right. That makes sense. But, yeah, Denzel makes him smoke the wet, and it just went terribly for the poor soul.”

“It was an excellent film.”

“So maybe that’s what happens? I legalize marijuana, and then someone makes the pot wet?”

“All of it?”

“You never know. Great movie, though. Who’s that guy in it? The one with no body fat?”

“Scott Glenn.”

“He’s great. Been in a lot of westerns. That guy can ride a horse.”

“Sir, you’re losing focus.”

“Katy, lose that sweater.”

“We’ll be right back.”

A Partial Transcript Of Mick Mulvaney On The Katy Tur Show, 10/19/19


“Good afternoon, shut-ins, fellow members of the media, and people in waiting rooms. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. Today, my guest is Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.”

“Call me The Main Vane.”

“No. Mick, the President has had a busy week.”

“Every week is like that for this great man. Katy, Donald Trump is a titan of dealmaking, a behemoth of statesmanship, and a leviathan of politics. His posture is a model for all Americans. The President stands so damn straight, and Katy–sure as I’m sitting here–the man smells like heaven, Manly heaven. Imagine a pork loin simmered in the spirit of generosity, that’s Donald Trump’s fragrance.”

“President Trump smells like Drakkar Noir. He’s forcibly hugged me on several occasions.”

“Lucky you.”

“Mick, the President announced that this year’s G7 summit would be held at the Doral Golf Club in Miami, which he owns.”

“It’s a spectacular property, Katy, and the staff is out of this world. You would not believe how many shapes they can twist towels into. Every day, you come back to your room and it’s a new surprise. They can do elephants, giraffes, all the animals. I wonder if that skill carries over to balloons? I saw a guy make a balloon tollbooth once. Took him half-an-hour, but it was amazing. The gate went up and down and everything.”

“Please focus.”

“Katy, do you want the leaders of the G7 to stay someplace where the towels are towel-shaped? Just folded? What are we, savages?”

“I am certain that other locations can manipulate towels.”

“What about the golf course?”

“Only one other participant in the summit besides President Trump plays golf.”

“Oh, do they? I just mentioned it because President Trump uses it. Which other leader? The Japanese one, right? Those people love their golf.”

“Some feel that it’s inappropriate to hold the summit at Doral.”


“The Constitution?”

“Turns out that’s a lot more of a guideline than a rule book. Katy, you don’t understand that President Trump isn’t going to make any money off of this.”


“Not money money.”

“What does that mean?”

“Listen, the man is going to offer his world-class, award-winning resort and hotel at Motel 6 prices. There are already plans to take 50% off all spa services. And everyone’s getting free shrimp cocktails.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“But it does make it classy. Makes it verrrrry classy.”

“The Democrats, along with many former White House officials from both parties, are denouncing this decision.”

“Of course they are. They’re demons.”

“What now?”

“Ever see The Exorcist?”


“There ya go. Pazuzus, every last one of ’em.”


“Mick, the President has just tweeted that he will not having the G7 summit at Doral.”

“Yeah, sure, uh-huh. That was the plan all along.”

“I hate to repeat myself, but: what now?”

“The President meant to do that. Strategy is his middle name. Well, actually, his middle name is ‘John,’ which is an exceedingly strong and masculine name. ‘John’ is probably the least-gay name, Katy.”

“The plan was to announce the summit at Doral and then petulantly change his mind two days later?”

“I disagree with everything you just said after the word ‘plan.’ And I would insert ‘brilliant in front of ‘plan.’ His brilliant plan was to keep his enemies–who, as I mentioned, are demons–off their game. President Trump just left-footed ya again!”

“Uh-huh. Mick, let’s get back to the impeachment inquiry, and the assertions that have arisen from that. The Trump Administration is said to have held back military aid from the Ukraine in exchange for information about the President’s political enemies.”

“It sounds terrible when you put it like that.”

“How would you put it?”

“Diplomacy. Put on your big girl pants, Katy. This is how the world works. Were you expecting rainbows and unicorns? Because the rainbow raped the unicorn, and that messed the unicorn up. Unicorn’s a junkie now, Katy. You can sex on it for ten dollars a throw out back of the package store. That’s the world, Katy.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“We’re the good guys here! We were stamping out corruption in Ukraine, but Ukraine is so corrupt that we had to apply a little pressure to do it. We were maybe too rough with our justice. Like Batman. We were a lot like Batman.”

“Don’t bring Batman into this. Mick, was there a quid pro quo with the Ukrainians?”

“It’s astonishing to me when people call what happened a quid pro quo. It wasn’t that at all.”

“What was it?”

“It was more like ‘this for that’.”

“That’s literally what the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ means.”

“I’ve seen alternate translations.”

“Then they were wrong.”

“Katy, I can tell you right now: I was in the room when these conversations took place, and I never once heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ said. So it couldn’t have been a quid pro quo.”

“You don’t have to say the words aloud. It’s not a magic spell, it’s a description of an exchange.”

“No quo.”

“Stop that.”

“Katy, again: I was in the room when these conversations occurred, and–”


“–there was…Katy, I’m getting a text from my lawyers.”

“I misspoke. Apparently, I was not in the room when any of these conversations took place.


“Also, those conversations did not take place.”


“Commercial break’d be great right about now.”

A Partial Transcript Of Katy Tur’s Interview With Justin Trudeau, 9/19/19

“Good afternoon, and welcome back to The Katy Tur Show. I’m Katy Tur, and I’m just as dumb as the rest of the people doing this job, but a lot easier to look at. Today on the program is embattled Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Thank you for coming on the show, Prime Minister.”

“I’m happy to do any American teevee. I’m doing much better in the polls down there.”

“Sir, this week–deep into your reelection campaign–photographs surfaced of you wearing blackface at a Halloween party.”

“No, Katy. Not true.”

“Excuse me?”

“It was brownface. Not as bad as blackface. I still strongly regret the incident, and apologize to all of Canada, but I want the facts about this to be straight: brownface.”

“Is there a difference?”

“Definitely, eh. Blackface is the worst. Brownface is right under that. Then you got red and yellow. As the saying goes The darker the paint, the worse the taint.”

“I don’t think that’s a saying.”

“It’s Canadian.”

“Prime Minister, can you explain the background of the photo?”

“Sure. this was at an Arabian Nights-themed party in British Columbia when I was working as a teacher.”

“You were a teacher?”

“It was shocking to me, too. Most of my life, people have just let me do whatever the hell I wanted to.”

“You were saying that you had been invited to an Arabian Nights party.”

“Oh, no. I wasn’t invited. I actually crashed the party. I apologize for that, too.”

“Wait. You crashed the party? But you were in an Ali Baba suit and blackface.”


“Whatever. Why were you in that costume if you weren’t invited?”

“I was wearing the outfit and makeup at the time. In the 90’s, I performed dialect comedy as Aga Baba, the Baby Ay-rab.”

“Please don’t pronounce that word that way.”

“See, I was an mighty sheikh, but I was also a baby. Gotta be honest with you, Katy: the concept never quite gelled.”


“But I do want to stress that I always closed my sets with a prayer for peace. In a lot of ways, the Aga Baba character was just an extension of my teaching.”


“I sure would like you to accept that answer and move on. Have I shown you my socks?”



“Whose face is that on them?”

“It’s Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil. Great flick.”

“Prime Minister, I’m now being informed that a second picture of you in blackface has come to light. We’re going to put it up on the screen.”


“Sir, can you explain this?”

“Oh, gosh, I wanna say ‘Fake News.'”

“But you won’t.”

“It’s just not in our nature, Katy.”

“Prime Minister, the picture shows you once again in blackface, this time with the white around the mouth and the gloves and everything.”

“I can explain.”




“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I politely upbraid Trump while displaying my dimples?”

“No, sir. The picture. Why are you in full-on Al Jolson drag?”

“Well, Katy, I’ll tell you. And I will tell your audience. They deserve the truth. The sponsors. Can’t forget the sponsors. This is daytime cable news, right, so all the ad time is devoted to commemorative gold coins and toilet devices. Sometimes you see that magic garden hose, the one that shrinks away to nothing. Always meant to buy one of those suckers. If it does even half of what the commercial promises, then it’d be the hose of my dreams.”

“Stop stalling, Prime Minister. The picture.”

“I was Goofus.”


“The two boys who teach us wrong from right. Goofus and Gordy.”


“In Canada, it’s Gordy.”


“I was the Goofus in whatever scenario that picture was taken in. I was showing what not to do.”

“You were warning people away from blackface…by doing blackface.”


“Is that a question or a statement?”


“Okay. Prime Minister, were there any other incidences of you darkening your face to portray other races?”

“No. Absolutely not. Never. Wait. Yes. Once in 2001.”

“What happened in 2001?”

“September 11th. Have you ever heard the story of Gander? It’s a heartwarming Canadian tale that I’d like nothing more than to repeat over and over while until the election. While being handsome, of course.”

“Of course. Sir, why were you in blackface in 2001?”

“I told you: September 11th.”


“Everyone deals with grief differently, Katy.”

“No one deals with grief by corking up, Prime Minister.”

“I don’t know, eh. You see the last Avengers movie? When Hawkeye’s family got snapped away, he became a ninja. That’s cultural appropriation, too, but no one’s giving Jeremy Renner a hard time.”

“Jeremy Renner is going through his own nonsense right now. Leave Renner out of this. Hold on.”

“Prime Minister, I’ve just been informed that a video of you wearing blackface has been posted on the internet.”

“Katy, I’ve said this over and over: my privileged upbringing resulted in a massive blind spot that revealed itself via multiple forays into minstrelry. I wholeheartedly apologize for these mistakes of my youth.”

“The video is from this week.”

“Oh, shit. Fried Chicken Friday.”

“What with the who now?”

“You know Taco Tuesday? Well, in my office, we do Fried Chicken Friday. And I guess maybe I took it a little too far.”

“You are once again in full blackface and…wow. You are now removing your shirt to reveal that you have darkened your entire torso.”

“I took it too far.”

“And you are singing. I do not recognize the tune.”

“My Old Kentucky Home.”

“We’re going to go to commercial.”


“Welcome back to the…Prime Minister, you have applied blackface during the commercial break.”

“I should absolutely know better than this, Katy.

Hello, Dolly

In an interview with BBC News, the 14th Dalai Lama expressed controversial views on a female successor, while speaking on topics that range from President Trump to Brexit.

The Tibetan religious leader told BBC’s South Asian correspondent Rajini Vaidyanathan that “if female Dalai Lama comes, then she should be more attractive,” otherwise, “people, I think prefer, not see her, that face.”

Vaidyanathan questioned the basis of his comments and asked, “It’s about who we are inside, isn’t it?” The Dalai Lama replied, “Yes, I think both.”

These statements are a reiteration of his past comments back in a 2015 interview with BBC journalist Clive Myrie, stating that a prerequisite for a female Dalai Lama would be physical appeal, or else she would be of “not much use.” – Buzzfeed News, 6/28/19

“Your Holiness, thank you for speaking with me today.”

“You’re an everyday treat for me, Katy. Get up nine hours before dawn, don’t drink any coffee, meditate, hang out with Richard Gere, watch Katy Tur Live. I am a fan.”

“Wow. That’s incredible. I’m honored. Blown away.”

“You should always wear the glasses. The glasses kill me. They’re my thing.”

“Okay. Your Holiness, recently you’ve made comments suggesting that the next Dalai could be a woman, as long as she was beautiful.”


“What did you mean by that?”

“Beautiful? You know: good face, plump where she should be, legs without a lot of weird pockmarks and divots. A fox.”

“A fox?”

“Absolutely. You can’t have an uggo as Dalai Lama. It’s in the rules.”

“There are rules?”

“Oh, yeah. Tons of ’em. Cant do PCP: that’s a rule. Not allowed to ride in the same helicopter as the Panchen Lama: that’s another rule. And if you’re a Dolly Lama, you’ve gotta be smoking.”

“Dolly Lama?”

“That is the proper spelling for a female Dalai Lama.”

“You’re making all of this up.”

“Oh, no. All in the rules.”

“May I see these rules?”


“Why not?”

“They’re in Tibetan.”

“Your Holiness, I simply don’t understand what someone’s physical appearance has to do with their ability to fulfill a spiritual role.”

“Oh, c’mon, Katy. No one wants to sit through a sermon from a Two. You wanna bring in the followers, you need at least an Eight. At least. And she needs to be an Eight with a gimmick, like mammoth cans or something. Maybe a wonky eye, but it looks cute on her. Listen, I’ve talked to Tibetans. I’m out there on the streets reading the temperature of the crowd. And they just won’t accept a Dolly Lama who doesn’t make you pop a chubby. Maybe a semi.”

“I’m shocked by these comments.”

“Y’know who’d be great is that Margot Robbie chick. God, she’s so fucking hot. I wanna stick a straw up her ass and suck out her hot doody. She’s so hot I wanna throw her out of a plane.”

“Your Holiness.”

“Or Rhianna. Rhianna could totally be Dolly Lama. Shit, she’s hot. I wanna do to her face what Chris Brown did, but with my dick.”

“Your Holiness!”

“God hates ugly chicks, Katy. That is one of the core tenets of Buddhism.”

“It most certainly is not.”

“Core tenet”

“You’re terrible.”

“Oh, yeah. You’ve never read about me? I’m the worst.”

A Partial Transcript Of Joe Biden’s MSNBC Interview, 6/20/19

“Welcome back to Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. We’re sitting with former Vice-President and current Presidential candidate Joe Biden. Thank you for speaking with us, Mr Vice-President.”

“Call me Joe and sit on my lap.”

“Mr. Vice-President, your campaign seems to keep hitting bumps in the road. You’re markedly centrist in a field that favors progessives, and you’re forever tottering right at the edge of out-of-touch. Also, you’re mildly inappropriate in a way that, while demeaning and disrespectful, isn’t born from malice. The actual President is a straight-up sex criminal, but you being handsy is eliminating.”

“You’re not getting on my lap?”

“It’s that sort of thing, sir.”

“Katy, do you know what retail politics is? It means getting it done in the streets, and moving it forward on the floor. And, in the end, it’s about connecting. It’s that human thing, Katy. I met a woman in Ames, she said her name was Megatron. That didn’t sound right, but I didn’t challenge her. That’s not retail politics. Apparently, everyone in her community was addicted to opiates, including the community itself. The localized concept of community, I suppose. It, uh, “woke up” is what Megatron said, and then it hungered. This is not what Americans were promised, Katy.”

“No, sir.”

“I hugged her. Megatron. I clasped her tight to my chest, and I could feel my chest hairs rustle as her big boobies pressed against them.”


“It’s a compliment!”

“Mr, Vice-President, let’s move on. Your latest controversy stems from your statements about working with United States Senators who were openly segregationist.”

“Well, hey, racists need roads, too. And wars needed voting for. When it came to the black stuff, I went the other way. And, you know, there was a lot of black stuff with those guys. I guess nowadays you’d call it urban stuff. Whatever you called it, they hated the coloreds. And, you know, back then everyone hated the gays and Jews. There was a lot of common ground in the old days.”

“Many within your party have taken offense at these remarks.”

“Screw ’em. I’m the only one running who’s worked with Nazis before, and I can work with ’em again. See, what’s missing in Washington these days is civility. Used to be that Senators would sexually claim Pages. An elaborate system of trading and borrowing of the young flesh began; it was as much a beloved tradition as the Candy Desk. Pages would die a lot, but their parents were given excellent jobs. Ambassadorships, stuff like that”


“Everyone would know each other. Really know each other, the whole government. Nothing brings men closer than sharing boys, or girls, or maybe going to the shooting range. Capitol Police have a range in the basement, and they let us use the machine guns. Big fun. And, so, conservatives and liberals and Democrats and Republicans can get around the little things and just be together. Sex with young people. Guns, That’s America, Katy, and that’s what the American people want.”


“Don’t get me wrong, now: these guys were racist as hell, and I am not okay with that. When they would start in with their jokes, I would only stay for the first couple minutes. And you didn’t want to get too drunk with ’em. A little drunk was real fun, but they would get all riled up when they got real juiced. The black security guards would step out of sight when they got like that. It was for the best. Kept the peace.”

“Some would say that “the best” would have been the Senators curbing their openly racist behavior.”

“Some would. But you take away Strom Thurmond’s racism, and what does he have left? Katy, again: I’m talking about retail politics. Herman Talmadge was made out of racism. Once saw him beat a Mexican kid half-to-death with a cafeteria tray. I’ll teach you to be Mexican! he kept yelling. Mashed potatoes flying everywhere. Hell of a scene, but there was cordiality between colleagues.”

“Sure, but–”

“If Jesse Helms was such a racist, then why didn’t he ever call me the N-word?”

“Because it would make no sense?”

“That’s right, Katy! It would make no sense. You leave the racism outside the office and you make your deals at the gown-up table. What you have is two positions, right? This is the essence of politics, and of life. You got two positions. Our side says Everybody’s equal, and their side says But not the blacks, and so what you need to do is compromise. You compromise. And, sometimes, you lose a battle to win the war.”


“Jesse and Strom, people forget this or maybe just don’t know it about them, but: they were only politically racist. Face-to-face? Polite as hell to every black they saw. Always said Please and Thank you. Jesse loved the little ones. He’d pull a quarter out from behind their ears, and rub on their heads for luck. Who’s your Momma? he’d yell at the kids. Deaf as a donkey. Do you know who yo’ Daddy is? He’d yell at the kids. Loved ’em. Got a lot done, Strom Thurmond.”

“Strom Thurmond was virulently racist, and quite open about the fact.”

“Yes, Katy, but he was nice to me.”

“We’re gonna take a commercial break.”

“You getting on my lap?”





The Grateful Dead: A Temporal Appreciation

Dear The Grateful Dead,

Hi. How are you? Hell of a baseball season, huh? Okay, enough pleasantries.

Thank you, The Grateful Dead, for not existing concurrently with the internet. I know that the internet technically existed when you were around, but there were nine people on it at the time, and two of them were Penn Jillette. (He was much fatter then.) What I mean is…


…you know, how we have it nowadays in 2018. The “ruining the world” internet. The “okay, now we hate that guy” internet. The “you should have done it this way” internet. The “hey, remember that shitty thing you said 16 years ago” internet. The instant-feedback web where everyone’s opinion is equally valid and every putz with a camera phone is either Edward Murrow or Ernie Kovacs.

Thank you, The Grateful Dead, for packing it in before #couchtour was a thing. There’s another band just like you, The Grateful Dead, and they’re extant. Extant as fuck, as a matter of fact: playing some of the best shows of their lives, but their fans–basically Deadheads with a higher tolerance for shitty lyrics and fewer options as far as tee-shirt iconography goes–don’t seem to be aware of the fact.

O, the whining (from the gentiles)! Oy, the kvetching (from the Jews)! Hey, I’m Katy Tur (from Katy Tur)! They played this song last week, the fans tweet angrily. They haven’t played this song in years, the other fans post on Facebook. One point oh, two point oh, fuck point off: they won’t stop yelling and, far worse, making the same joke over and over.

So, thank you, The Grateful Dead, for taking place in an era bereft of real-time reviews, next day podcasts, and digital fucking petitions. (Because if you think Deadheads in 1982 wouldn’t have started up a “BRING BACK DARK STAR” petition, then you should go and read someone else’s site; you’re too naive to be here.)

Rock Star Richard

Bright-Eyed Katy

“Pretty lady is pretty, Trey.”

“She is, Page, but she’s more than just a pretty lady. She’s a big-time reporter.”


“She’s not secretly Superman, Page.”

“Oh, right, right. Okay.”


“No, Page. All reporters are not secretly Superman. I don’t know who told you that, but they were messing with you.”

“Is she Spider-Man?”

“She has no super-powers at all, buddy. Although, she put up with Keith Olbermann’s bullshit for a few years, so maybe she does.”


“Big media joke, pal. Don’t worry about it.”

“What does she do?”

“Katy? Well, she covered the Trump campaign for NBC.”

“He is bad!”

“He is, buddy.”

“I don’t like him!”

“I’m with you.”

“He is orange! Presidents should be black!”

“Could not agree more, man.”

“Trump should not be around Katy. He will chain her up and make her wear a metal bikini.”

“She’s safe now, Pagey. She’s with us.”

“Okay. I like her better than Jake Tapper.”

“Everyone does.”


“Yeah, buddy?”

“What doughnut is it?”

“We’re not doing that anymore.”