Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: katy tur (Page 1 of 2)

A Partial Transcript Of Peter Navarro’s Appearance On The Katy Tur Show, 7/15/20

“Good morning to all you MSNBC viewers out there, which means good morning to 70-year old liberals, Twitter-famous layabouts hoping for a trainwreck, and…huh, I can’t think up a third one. I understand watching Fox or CNN, but who the hell would choose MSNBC? It’s like going to Hardee’s when there’s a McDonald’s and a Burger King right across the street. But hey: You’re here, I’m here, let’s do this. My guest is the White House’s Director of Trade Policy, Peter Navarro.”

“I’m also in charge of the Defense Production Act, and the President let me have a sip of his Diet Coke once.”

“Why would you want to drink from someone else’s glass?”

“I had a theory that the Diet Coke’s possession by the President would make it taste better than Diet Coke owned by, say, a poor person. Executive transubstantiation, if you will. And I was right! I wish President Trump could just spit all my beverages into my mouth.”

“Ew.”

“I tasted heaven that afternoon, Katy.”

“Let’s get to the point: You recently wrote an Op-Ed for the Washington Post entitled ‘Anthony Fauci Has Been Wrong About Everything I Have Interacted With Him On.’ Can you share with us some of the disagreements you’ve had with Dr. Fauci?”

“It’s not so much individual disagreements as it is two opposing worldviews, one of which is wrong. We fundamentally disagree on the topic of the coronavirus. He’s just a doomer, man. Can’t go to ball games. Can’t go to discotheques. I’m sure you can guess how he feels about the Chinese buffet place. You know the one I’m talking about. Usually in the same strip mall with a supermarket. And not entirely Chinese. I mean, the owners are Chinese and there’s Chinese crap all over the walls, but the food’s from everywhere. Chinese buffet by me has pizza and cupcakes.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“Well, it speaks to the congenital disrespect that the Chinese have for our Intellectual Properties.”

“Congenital?”

“Oh, yeah.  Every Chinaman is a born bootlegger.”

“Do not use that kind of language on my show, Mr. Navarro.”

“What? Chinaman?”

“Yes.”

“How is that wrong? If someone called me an Americaman, I’d be like ‘Damn straight, brother.'”

“We were discussing your op-ed about Dr. Fauci.”

“Perfidious sheep-shagger.”

“That’s a bold accusation.”

“The adjective or the noun?”

“The whole phrase. What exactly have you and Dr. Fauci differed on?”

“The science, Katy! It’s all about the science.”

“What about the science?

“He wants to pay attention to it, and I say we ignore it.”

“Ah.”

“What has science ever done for us, anyway?”

“Provided us with civilization?”

“What about lately? What has science done for us lately? You know there hasn’t been a new Dr. Pepper flavor introduced in ten years? Science has dropped the ball, Katy. Time to cut it loose.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

“All of my ideas are great. Just this morning, I had a spectacular idea.”

“What was it?”

“Shooting war with China.”

“God, no! That’s the worst idea in the entire world.”

“It would be a license to print money, Katy. Nothing gooses the economy like a good war.”

“Speaking of the economy, Mr. Navarro: You were trained as an economist, and have worked in the field your whole career, correct?”

“Yup.”

“So how are you qualified to comment on Dr. Fauci’s medical opinions?”

“Lemme tell you a little secret, Katy: Being a doctor is 90% bullshit. You wear your little coat, hit people’s knees with your stupid hammer, and tell ’em to quit smoking and lose some weight. There’s nothing to it.”

“Nothing you said was correct.”

“According to who? Experts? Scientists? Smaaaaaaaaaaaart people? Aren’t you tired of this tyranny of the clever?”

“No.”

“Well, you’re a sheep, Katy. Hot sheep, but still a sheep. The fact is that Anthony Fauci is in cahoots with MS-13, and also maybe a Terminator.”

“What now?”

“Cyborg assassin from the future. Maybe SkyNet sent him to kill all of us. That’s a lot more difficult than just killing one lady. You’d have to finesse that one. What better way to murder America than to take control of its health apparatus? Crafty little bugger, I’ll give him that. Faucinator plays the long game.”

“Don’t call him that. Dr. Fauci is not a killer robot from the future.”

“Cyborg. If it was just a robot, it couldn’t make it through the time portal.”

“Anthony Fauci is a human being from the present. Your allegations are absurd.”

“Absurd? How is trying to save America from a werewolf absurd?”

“I am also accusing Dr. Fauci of being a werewolf.”

“Dammit, Navarro.”

“If he’s not a werewolf, then why does he fear being shot with a silver bullet?”

“Have you–”

“Threatened! Just threatened! There has been no gunplay in President Trump’s White House, and we never get any credit for that.”

“There’s not supposed to be gunplay anywhere!”

“Katy, this is America. Now who’s being absurd?”

“Do you have any other complaints about Dr. Fauci?”

“The President asked me to point out that Dr. Fauci is of Italian descent, and you know how those people are. Always stuff falling off the backs of trucks around them.”

“That is breathtakingly racist.”

“I am pointing out a fact, Katy. You can’t argue with numbers, and the numbers say that all Italians are mobbed up.”

“They are not! Stop that!”

“I’d trust a Jewish doctor, but an Italian one? C’mon. He probably got his tongue depressors from his cousin.”

“We’re going to commercial.”

“Some ethnicities are trustworthy, and some aren’t! That is the official position of the American government!”

“Go to commercial!”

A Partial Transcript Of Secretary Of Education Betsy DeVos’ Interview, 7/12/20

“Good morning, or afternoon, or evening. Time has become both mercurial and saturnine in these, the days of the gloaming. I’m Katy Tur, and I took a pill I found in my sock drawer a couple hours ago. Might be an interesting show! Today’s guest is the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. Thank you for joining us.”

“Thank you, Katy. I’m excited to be here. And by ‘here,’ I mean in my home doing this interview over the video chat.”

“I bet. Not wearing pants, huh?”

“I have never worn pants in my life. Pants are for whores, Katy. Women wear dresses.”

“Okay. Let’s move on. The Trump Administration, and your department, is pushing hard for a full reopening of schools this fall.”

“Yes. We believe that it will be safe for our nation’s children to return to their schools in two months.”

“Why do you believe that?”

“Because we really want to. There was a meeting, and we discussed how President Trump said it was going to be just fine to have the kids in school, and so we all decided to go with that. Then we cut our fingers and swore blood oaths to never change our minds. And, uh, here I am.”

“I’m not shocked. I might have been in 2017, but not now. Will the Department of Education be issuing any guidelines about how schools can protect students and teachers?”

“I’m sure someone will whip something up. Katy, each school has its own needs and special circumstances, and should be in charge of their own response to the pandemic. If there’s one thing that vice-principals, French teachers, and marching band directors know how to do, it’s deal with a pandemic.”

“America’s teachers are hard-working, underpaid, incredible people. They are, however, in no way qualified to come up with a virus-prevention plan.”

“But they should have the freedom to do so. Freedom is so important.”

“Is it more important than the survival of our children?”

“I cannot answer that question in the universal sense, but I can say that my freedom is more important than the survival of your child. Katy, the point is that all the other countries are opening up their schools, and we’re not going to fall behind in the the Reopening Race.”

“It’s not a race.”

“We believe that there exists a Reopening Gap. We can’t allow that. We will open faster, wider, and with more gusto.”

“Secretary DeVos, other nations are able to cautiously readmit students to their schools because they’ve gotten a grip on the coronavirus. For example, Germany is beginning in-person classes, but they only had 400 new cases yesterday. We had 60,000, and you want to open the schools?”

“That’s German efficiency, Katy. We can’t compete with that.”

“Denmark had under 100 cases.”

“It’s not fair to compare the U.S. to countries that have their acts together. We’re Americans, Katy. We shoot first and ask questions later. Let’s just send the kids back to school and see what happens.”

“That is a terrible plan.”

“Also, many parents are getting sick of their children. In my role as Secretary of Education, I come into contact with a great deal of people who are poor, and cannot afford proper childcare, so they have to actually spend time with their kids. All of them are ready to strangle their children. The CDC predicts that if we don’t open the schools, up to 8 million kids might get murdered.”

“The CDC said that?”

“Champagne Dave’s Cabaret. It’s a burlesque bar my family owns. But, uh, all the dancers agree with the 8 million number. And some of those gals have graduate degrees.”

“Ma’am, how are we going to keep our teachers safe?”

“I would advise having a brother with a private army. That keeps me safe as hell.”

“Most teachers don’t have your resources. How are you going to protect them from coronavirus?”

“Protecting citizens from disease is not the responsibility of the government, Katy.”

“It totally is. It has been since the invention of government. It’s one of the primary functions of a ruling body. Maintaining the roads, policing the market, and tamping down plagues: these are the basic functions of government.”

“Uh-huh. Did you see how powerful President Trump looked in his mask?”

“Let’s just go to a commercial.”

“Of course, he’s always worn a mask.”

“Stop talking.”

A Partial Transcript Of MSNBC Live With Katy Tur, 7/7/20

Good afternoon, MSNBC viewer. I’m Katy Tur, which is short for Katamount Turtledrinker. I remember saying to my parents, ‘That doesn’t sound like a real name,’ and they sent me to bed without my turtle smoothie. My childhood was confusing as hell. Anyway, our guest today is Kanye West. He wasn’t scheduled to be here, but he wandered in to the studio and is now refusing to leave unless he’s interviewed. Let’s see how this goes. Hi, Kanye.”

“Your name is Katy!”

“Yes.”

“That is too close to my name! I will not call you that! Your name will be Miss Marple’s Wheelchair!”

“Katy is fine.”

“God spoke to me as recently as currently, and He wants me to call you Miss Marple’s Wheelchair. It is a glorious name! Many angels, some of whom are also speaking to me currently, share that name.”

“I’m moving on. Kanye, a few days ago, you announced that you were running for President.”

“Jogging!”

“What?”

“I am not running for President, I am jogging for President. There was a black man who tried to jog, and the police ate him. I jog in his honor, but we must remember that the police are people, too. I watched a documentary about the police, and big corporations are turning our brave officers into robots.”

“Are you talking about RoboCop?”

“I am talking about Jesus! No matter what I talk about, I am talking about Jesus. Cops are Jesus. Many black people bring about their own problems when it comes to the cops. Since I moved to rural Wyoming, I have had no confrontations with the police. My experience is universal.”

“It’s really not.”

“I am the Everyman! I am the Alpha Man! I am the Omega Man! I enjoy Frosted Flakes!”

“Uh-huh. Can I ask you about some of your political positions?”

“Positions are for positrons, and I am not a positron. I am a celebrity! I have met every single cast member of The Office, some on multiple occasions. I will approach politics like I do my award-winning shoe designs: I will win awards.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“Shiny awards!”

“That’s not what I meant. Can you tell us about your tax plan?”

“I will eliminate them! The only reason we pay taxes is so that the government can buy new board games for the aliens at Area 51. Aliens are huge into table-top gaming, but I do not see why we should have to pay for it.”

“What are your thoughts on the pandemic?”

“I had it worse than 50 Cent. He had a very mild case, and mine was enormous. Jesus had to personally save my life six, maybe seven times. And then 50 claims that his ronus was worse than mine! This is insulting and false!”

“I meant what do you plan to do about the coronavirus?”

“Call the Avengers.”

“The Avengers aren’t real.”

“Only because you do not believe, Miss Marple’s Wheelchair!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“The Avengers will defeat the ronus! They have hammers and a super-raccoon, but the white boy who claims godhood better watch his ass. Jesus does not like that, and He has a much bigger hammer than that Thor person.”

“Jesus has a hammer?”

“He is a carpenter!”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Is anyone advising you on your Presidential run?”

“Jog.”

“Whatever.”

“Kim is my advisor. She’s very knowledgeable. She stores her knowledge in her ass. You’ve seen that donk! Lotta room for information in there. Strategies and tactics and precedents and whatnot. Kim could fit the whole internet in her ass. It’s like a camel’s hump. People think there’s water in there, but no. Fat. People think there’s just ass in Kim’s ass, but no. Knowledge.”

“Kanye–”

“On long voyages through the desert of ignorance, Kim can sustain herself via her ass. The woman eats her own ass!”

“Kanye–”

“You find a girl who can eat her own ass, you marry that bitch.

“Switching topics.”

“I WILL NOT DISCUSS NATURAL GAS PIPELINES.”

“I wasn’t going to bring them up. But why not?”

“They do not exist. They are white devilry.”

“Okay.”

“And they look like dicks.”

“I thought you said they didn’t exist.”

“Unicorns don’t exist, but I know what they look like.”

“Good point. Kanye, does your entrance into the race mean you have repudiated your support for Donald Trump?”

“Not for his mastery of the buffet. When you go to one of Mr. Trump’s properties, there is always a buffet that will blow you away. He does not scrimp on the shrimp. Crab legs like a motherfucker.”

“Please watch your language.”

“My mouth is not your slave! You do not own my mouth!”

“Didn’t say I did.”

“My mouth would fight back, like Black Tarzan. My mouth would swing on vines, and wear a loincloth, and take you down gorilla-style. My mouth is Black Tarzan!”

“I am violently confused by this conversation.”

“Whoopity scoop.”

“How about a commercial?”

“Scoopity poop.”

“Awesome. Be right back.”

A Partial Transcript Of MSNBC Live, 7/2/20

Rep. Andy Biggs, chair of the conservative House Freedom Caucus, on Thursday called on the White House to shutter its coronavirus task force, claiming the nation’s top public health experts were undermining President Donald Trump. – Politico, 7/2/20

“Good afternoon, America. I’m Katy Tur, and if I don’t get to candyflip at MSG while some scruffy uggos from Vermont butcher Talking Heads covers real soon, I’m gonna murder my family. Love my family, but Momma needs a little release right now. Anyway, my guest today is one of Arizona’s seemingly innumerable amount of second-string Republican whackadoodles, U.S. Congressman Andy Biggs.”

“Everything’s Biggs-er in Arizona, Katy.”

“Is that your campaign slogan?”

“Yeah. It’s not great. Voters find it displeasing. That was the exact word they used, which I always found odd. But, you know: it’s suburban Arizona and I’m a Republican, so my slogan could’ve been Lather up your buttholes, pissants.”

“You represent a deeply red district.”

“Deeeeeeeep red. Like a monkey’s butthole. I mean, shit: I’m on national teevee right now, and all I’m doing is talking about buttholes, and I’m gonna win my race by 40 points. You know that old saying about how a politician never wants to be caught with a live boy or a dead girl? Well, I could fuck both of ’em right in the parking lot of Olive Garden and still get reelected.”

“Please stop cursing, Congressman.”

“Fuck that, fat-tits. I’m a man. I’m a man! I curse, and I shave four times a day, and I haven’t bought new underwear since 2003, and I don’t wear a mask.”

“Ah. Yes. The mask. You have recently made some statements decrying mask use.”

“Not crying. I don’t cry, What did I tell you? I’m a man.”

“Not ‘crying.’ Decry…y’know what? Forget it. You have stated that you don’t believe that the coronavirus is as dangerous as experts say it is, and you have advocated for a complete reopening without any social distancing or mask use.”

“When you say ‘expert,’ I assume you’re talking about Dr. Fauci?”

“Among others.”

“And what makes him such an expert?”

“A world-class intellect, top-notch education, and decades of experience at the highest levels of his field.”

“You think he’s better than me?”

“It’s not about that.”

“I’m a man, Katy.”

“You have mentioned that several times already.”

“A MAN.”

“Congressman, please tell me why you have come to the conclusions that you have about the coronvirus.”

“I can’t explain why I believe the things I do, Katy, but I will defend those beliefs to the death. Preferably someone else’s death, but whatever. The ronus is a phonus maronus. Doctors come up to me all the time. They plead with me to listen to their lies. I shout PHONUS MARONUS at ’em. They don’t know what to do with that.”

“I would imagine.”

“The facts are simple. One: China started this pandemic. Two: there is no pandemic. Three: masks are for homos. Four: Constitution says I got the right to go to Outback Steakhouse, and call the waitress ‘Sweetcheeks’ when I get there. Five: Dr. Fauci is antifa. Those are the facts.”

“Nothing you just said was a fact. Some of the items might rightly be classified as anti-facts.”

“Have we even seen his diploma?”

“Who, Dr. Fauci?”

“Yeah.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“I have no idea! But all of it should be taken seriously! I’m a Congressman, dammit.”

“Yes. You are.”

“Arizonans are a proud, independent people, Katy. We work hard, but y’know what else? We love hard. And we like a hard hang. I meet up with the chums, we hang hard. Mostly guys from high school. Moochie, Big Skink, Little Skink, Chowhound. We call ourselves the Randy Rattlesnakes. Friday nights are for the boys!”

“Are you making a point, sir?”

“Well, me and the other Randy Rattlesnakes got a tradition where we enjoy Mexican food while being aggressively racist towards Mexican people. We call it Sweet & Sour.”

“That’s awful.”

“And wearing masks would destroy that.”

“Why?”

“Because we like to put on fake mustaches to mock the Mexicans. Y’see, Katy: Mexicans love their mustaches.”

“Can we change topics?”

“Only if we talk about President Trump.”

“Fine.”

“Looooooove him.”

“Gotcha.”

“And he wants to lead us to glory. The greatest economic recovery in the history of the world is right around the corner, and President Trump wants to bring us home. Let’s let him! He’s our quarterback, Katy. And that corona task force…well, I don’t know whose team they’re on. Or maybe they’re punters. Shit, there’s nothing worse than a punter. President Trump needs lions, but he’s got punters. Doctors Fauci and Birx are punters, and so maybe they should just disappear.”

“Disappear, sir?”

“I don’t know, maybe one day Fauci leaves his house to go to work and just doesn’t show up. That kind of thing happens a lot more than the government wants you to know. People disappear all the time.”

“Congressman, are you suggesting violence?”

“Not suggesting. Just introducing the notion to your viewers, including the mentally-imbalanced ones. Just alerting all within the sound of my voice to the idea. Disappearing Dr. Fauci is something that could be done. That’s all I’m saying.”

“That is shockingly irresponsible and malicious.”

“Yeah.”

“Congressman Biggs, are you making any policy proposals?”

“I have a bill in committee naming a Navy ship after Alice Cooper.”

“No, I meant–”

“Alice is an Arizona boy!”

“–policy proposals regarding the coronavirus.”

“Oh, shit, right. I told President Trump he should make it illegal.”

“Make what illegal?”

“Kung Flu.”

“Don’t call it that, and that’s not how it works.”

“Won’t know ’til we try.”

“We will. We can know right now, without having actually performed the experiment, that declaring the coronavirus to be against the law would have no effect whatsoever.”

“I disagree. I believe it would be a strong, powerful move from a strong, powerful President. I would be more than pleased to stand beside President Trump as he signed the bill into law. I would clamor afterwards for his Sharpie, and then mount it in a fancy box, and place that box on my desk so I could point it out to everybody. That would be great, Katy.”

“We have ten seconds left. Anything else to say?”

“I’d like to repeat something I already said.”

“Which is?”

“Masks are for homos.”

“Wonderful. We’ll be right back.

A Partial Transcript Of Katy Tur’s Interview With Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman, 4/22/20

“Good afternoon, America. I’m Katy Tur, and I’ve seen Keith Olbermann turn Japanese. If you don’t understand that reference, I’m not explaining it to you. This is Day 41 of quarantine, and all our pets hate us. Below my Zoom frame, I’m wearing a pair of soiled men’s boxer shorts which, even though they come down to my knee, do not hide the overgrown thatch that is now my lady-garden. Also, I am half-drunk.”

“I’m doubling down on that last one!”

“That raised bet comes from the Mayor of Las Vegas, Carolyn Goodman. Mayor Goodman, thank you for coming on the show.”

“Me and Darryl thank you for having us.”

“Darryl?”

“I am referring, of course, to my adult milkshake.”

ADULT MILKSHAKE BEING BRANDISHED SEMI-THREATENINGLY ON A ZOOM CALL NOISE

“It is equal parts strawberry ice cream and strawberry Kahlúa, so I named it after Mets great Darryl Strawberry. I suppose the the doctors are gonna say this is bad for me, too!”

“They almost certainly would.”

“Well, fooey on them! I’m gonna suck on my Darryl and open up my city.”

“Okay, let’s get into that. You have made several statements recently saying that you want to reopen Las Vegas, despite the dangers of the coronavirus. Currently, the state of Nevada–”

“Nuh-vaaaaaaaaaaaaah-da.”

“–has almost 1500 cases of Covid and almost 200 deaths.”

“200 deaths? You ever been to North Las Vegas? We do that in knife fights on a Tuesday. Not even the weekend, Katy. Tuesday!”

“I don’t know if you do, Mayor.”

“What we’re talking about here is freedom, Katy. And liberty. Don’t forget about the liberty. People always remember the part about freedom, but liberty gets left out, and that’s not right. Freedom and liberty. And the economy. Freedom, liberty, the economy.”

“Were you making a point?”

“I made three! Freedom, liberty, the economy.”

“Sure. So you think the casinos should be open?”

“Of course they should. If people are gonna be stuck in their homes with nothing to do, then they should at least be able to come to Vegas. That just makes sense.”

“It doesn’t. Mayor Goodman, just today it was reported that the coronavirus can be spread through air conditioning. Casinos generally do keep the air on, don’t they?”

“Katy, I saw the article you’re talking about, and it doesn’t apply to Las Vegas. What you’re describing happened in China.”

“And?”

“And anyone who’s ever had a Chinese 21 dealer knows those people are just bad luck.”

“Ignorant. Ignorant and offensive.”

“Las Vegas is a special town, and so we will put in special rules to protect our visitors as long as their credit checks out.”

“Such as?”

“Well, blowing on the dice is out. No more of that. And Britney Spears is being deep-cleaned. I’ve also issued an order to keep the victims of the next mass shooting at least six feet from one another.”

“That got dark.”

“Not as dark as the Strip! You should see it, Katy. It’s like a dog that wants to be petted. Hotels looking so sad. And the owners! My God, the owners are in the dumps. Steve Wynn hasn’t sent me a blurry, off-centered dick pic in weeks.”

“Mayor Goodman–”

“Weeks, Katy!”

“–no one is worried about the casino owners. People are worried about the casino workers.”

“They’ll be fine.”

“What reasons do you have for believing that?”

“Two: my gut and my Darryl.”

ADULT MILKSHAKE BEING SLURPED NOISE

“Man, that’s some good Darryl.”

“Mayor Goodman, every legitimate scientist and doctor has warned against opening up our cities just yet.”

“There you go. You gotta ask some quacks.”

“What?”

“All the doctors I know are the kind who take bullets out of people in the back of vet’s offices at three in the morning, and all of them are fully in favor of opening up the casinos.”

“We shouldn’t listen to them. Ma’am, Las Vegas is an entirely tourism-based economy. Aren’t you worried about visitors bringing the coronavirus back with them when they go home?”

“Katy, whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That includes contracting the coronavirus.”

“It does not!”

“Who are you to argue with a slogan?”

“Mayor Goodman, do you have any concrete plans at all to keep visitors safe if–and this is a big if–the casinos reopen?”

“I would advise them never to split tens, and just stay the hell away from roulette.”

“Physically safe, ma’am. Not safe bets.”

“Oh, no.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Katy, this is Vegas. We take chances here! Let’s gamble!”

“You don’t gamble with other people’s lives.”

“Now, that’s simply not true. I have wagered several of my maids.”

“That’s terrible.”

“I do have a backup plan.”

“Which is?”

“Betting-by-mail.”

“That sounds absurd.”

“Oh, it’s fine to vote by mail, but a free American can’t get some action for the price of a stamp? That’s communism.”

“Mayor Goodman, the fact is that you simply do not have the authority to reopen the casinos on the Strip.”

“No, but I do have the power to kidnap Lady Gaga and force her to continue her residency.”

“You do not have that power.”

“I should not have said ‘power.’ I meant ‘ability.’ I have the ability to have Lady Gaga kidnapped and forced to perform.”

“How?”

“My husband is a giant mobster.”

“Ma’am, your husband Oscar Goodman was a lawyer to the mob.”

“Katy, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: lawyers to the mob are totally in the mob.”

“Mayor Goodman, we’ve left the subject.”

“The subject is that we have to stop paying attention to wiener scientists and get the hell back in the sports book. We’re Las Vegas! The whole town is based on the fact that most people are bad at math! Let’s open up those casinos and let ‘er ride!”

“If the casinos opened up tomorrow, would you be there?”

“Good God, no! One of those unlucky Chinese dealers might cough on me!”

STRAW SUCKING THE LAST BITS FROM AN ADULT MILKSHAKE NOISE

“That sound means mama needs a new Darryl.”

“Lovely talking to you, Mayor.”

 

 

 

 

 

[ED. NOTE: My version is maybe–MAYBE–ten percent stupider than the real thing. Maybe ten.)

A Partial Transcript Of Secretary Of State Mike Pompeo’s Interview On Katy Tur Live, 1/24/20

“Good afternoon, and welcome to Katy Tur Live. On today’s show, I’ll talk to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and complain about Phish’s summer tour schedule. First is the Secretary of State. Secretary Pompeo, thanks for coming on MSNBC.”

“Hi, Katy. I thought I was on NPR today.”

“You were, but the idiot who writes this has a crush on me.”

“Understandable. You’re hot enough to be on Fox.”

“Thank you.”

“God, I wanna wash your hair.”

“Inappropriate.”

“Not in the shower. A salon-type setting. With the sink and the chair that leans back. I got strong fingers, Katy. I’d get a good lather going.”

“I’m moving forward. Secretary Pompeo, what is the plan in regards to Iran? Is there any serious thought about reopening diplomatic channels?”

“Every thought President Trump has is serious, Katy. Even his jokes. He’ll tell one and then later on you’ll think, ‘Wow. There was a lot of truth and heart in there.’ For example, any time someone brings up Puerto Rico, he’ll say, ‘They steal hubcaps, those people.’ And we all laugh, but there’s some real food for thought in there.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I answered a question.”

“Diplomatic entreaties to Iran, sir. Have any been made?”

“We’re building a coalition to deal with the Iranians, Katy. We have Israel on board, and the Saudis. Imagine how evil a regime has to be to get those two countries to team up against you. And Britain. They’re with us all the way. Apparently, they’re gonna have a whole lot more unemployed young men soon, and a good war would be perfect for them right now. They’re champing at the bit.”

“Secretary–”

“Chomping? Chomping at the bit?”

“Secretary–”

“I can never remember which one is right. Anyway: the Brits are in favor of nuking Tehran.”

“Is that on the table?”

“It’s not not on the table. Maaaaaaybe Tehran gets nuked, and maaaaaaaybe it doesn’t. America operates from a position of strength. Lemme wash your hair, Katy.”

“No.”

“I’ll nuke you.”

“Stop it. Secretary Pompeo, since the President pulled the United States out of the nuclear deal, Iran is actually closer than ever to achieving their nuclear ambitions. They have more centrifuges. They have built more facilities. They have stockpiled more uranium.”

“Says who?”

“Independent verification.”

“Well, there you go. The Trump Doctrine does not include verification. Remember how Reagan said Trust, but verify? We just do the trust part. And we trust that Iran is full of demons and creepshows and ladies with blankets where their faces should be.”

“Right, but–”

“Katy, Iran has been warned by President Trump to behave themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. The Iran deal wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. I mean, it was signed by a black guy! If it was an NBA contract, then we’d be good, but not a nuclear pact.”

“–my God.”

“Iran won’t develop nukes.”

“Right. That’s your goal, but what is the strategy?”

“Not letting them.”

“How?”

“Strongly!”

“Let’s change the subject. Do you feel you owe Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch an apology?”

“FUCK YOU, CUNT!”

“Whoa.”

“I owe that split-tail nothing! NOTHING! No one treats their team better than Magic Mike!”

“Magic Mike?”

“I CALL MYSELF MAGIC MIKE!”

“Okay.”

“Why would I owe anyone an apology? I didn’t apologize when I ran my wife over with the Suburban, so I’ll be damned if I apologize to Weird Al Yankovic or whoever.”

“You ran your wife over?”

“She’s a darter. She’s here, then BAM she’s there. Quick woman. Plus, she was wearing black and we just had the driveway resurfaced.”

“Back to Marie Yovanovitch.”

“FUCK HER!”

“Secretary Pompeo–”

“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished in Ukraine. We’ve made huge strides in wiping out the corruption so endemic to that nation. Obama didn’t care about it. Obama sent Hunter Biden. We sent Rudy Giuliani. Case closed.”

“–a senior State official recently testified that he resigned over your unwillingness to defend Ambassador Yovanovitch against Mr. Giuliani and his associates, all of whom are now facing federal criminal charges.”

“That didn’t happen.”

“Yes, sir. Your advisor Michael McKinley testified to the fact before Congress.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Why are you waving your hand at me? Are you trying to Jedi Mind Trick me, Secretary?”

“No one resigned from anywhere.”

“Knock that off.”

“Katy, the simple fact is that no one gives a damn about Ukraine. You’ve never been there–”

“I have.”

“–I’ve never been there–”

“You absolutely have.”

“–so maybe Ukraine isn’t really a place? Maybe the real Ukraine was the friends we made along the way?”

“Ukraine is a place. It is real. It is a country. 40 million people live there.”

“Oh, you’re an expert now? You’re, like, the Ken Jennings of knowing that Ukraine exists?”

“What?”

“If you’re so smart, then point out Ukraine. Here, here’s an unlabeled map. I want you to point it out.”

PAPER BEING PRODUCED NOISE

“Secretary Pompeo, that is a photograph of the Jonas Brothers.”

“So it is. Fine. Point to the Ukrainiest Jonas. In every group dynamic, someone’s the Ukraine. Which Jonas is Ukraine, Katy? Is it Nick? Is it Joe? Is it the other one? Choose correctly, or you have no credibility in international diplomacy.”

“Sir, this is beneath both of us.”

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO MY PENIS THAT WAY, WHORE?”

“We’re gonna take a break.”

A Partial Transcript Of Katy Tur’s Interview With Secretary Of Defense Mark Esper

“Good morning, and welcome to Katy Tur Live, which is apparently a Sunday morning show now. At least you’re not staring at Chuck Todd’s vagina-mouth. With me to discuss this week’s military entanglements with Iran is Secretary of Defense Mark Esper.”

“Hi, Katy. They get Trey out of the rigging?”

“He’s fine.”

“Good to hear. Both Italians and gingers still count as Real Americans© to the Trump administration.”

“Okay.”

“Although, who knows what our second term will bring?”

“Early in the interview to get this crazy, but let’s just plow forward. Secretary, the White House and the President have given several conflicting accounts of the intelligence that underlaid the decision to assassinate Qasem Soleimani.”

“Used to be Soleimani. Now there’s Solei-none.”

“You told a joke.”

“We’ve been laughing about that one in my office all week. Laughter is the best medicine. Wouldn’t have helped Soleimani, though. We hit him with a half-dozen Hellfire missiles. No amount of chuckling is gonna make that better.”

“Yes, sir. President Trump on Friday tweeted out that Soleimani was planning to attack four embassies.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Is that true?”

“Sure. He tweeted that.”

“No, I’m not asking if it’s true that the President tweeted. I’m asking if the contents of the tweet are true. Were there imminent attacks planned on four embassies?”

“Crazier things have happened, Katy. I’d certainly believe that more than I would that he was planning eight attacks. I would only believe that half as much as the four embassy thing. Sixteen? A quarter as much. My belief is logarithmic, I guess.”

“What intelligence is the President using when he says that there were four attacks planned?”

“His own. Which is great. President Trump’s mind is like a steel trap. No! Titanium. Titanium trap.”

“But was there evidence from the intelligence community?”

“I love that phrase, ‘intelligence community.’ I always picture a whole neighborhood of folks in trenchcoats and fedoras holding newspapers with eyeholes in front of their faces.”

“Please concentrate.”

“Katy, if the President says that Soleimani was planning on attacking four embassies, then he was. Case closed.”

“Imminent attacks?”

“The imminentest. So much more imminent than anyone could imagine.”

“Within days?”

“Sure, yeah, maybe.”

“Weeks?”

“Could be weeks. Weeks is pretty imminent.”

“Months?”

“Months count as imminent. I would call months imminent.”

“Which is it, sir?”

“One of those! A segment of time. Not minutes. That’s absurdly soon. But, yeah: days, weeks, months. Sounds right. If I were a terrorist, then that would be my preference.”

“You’re not actually saying anything, Secretary.

“Katy, President Trump prevents somewhere between two and five 9/11’s every day.”

“Is there any evidence for that?”

“Absolutely! No 9/11’s!”

“That’s not how evidence works. Secretary, which embassies were the four attacks planned for?”

“What now?”

“Which four embassies were to be attacked?”

“Excellent question.”

“Thank you, Secretary.”

“People underestimate you, Katy.”

“Because of my looks.”

“No, because you’re a woman.”

“Wow.”

“Have I distracted you from your line of questioning?”

“No. Which four embassies?”

“Well, uh…the one in Iraq. That’s a gimme.”

“That’s one.”

“Syria.”

“The United States abandoned its embassy in Damascus in 2012.”

“You don’t say.”

“Yup.”

“I was testing you to see if you knew that information. Congratulation, you passed.”

“Uh-huh. The second, third, and fourth embassies, Secretary Esper?”

“Canada.”

“Iran was planning to attack the American Embassy in Canada?”

“Yes. Much like the Arabs used the holy day of Yom Kippur to launch a war on Israel, the Iranians were planning on taking advantage of the nation’s grief over Neil Peart’s death.”

“You leave the Professor out of this.”

“That’s why they’re terrorists, Katy! Monsters!”

“Your assertion is that Iran planned to hit the U.S. embassies in Baghdad and Ottawa. Where else?”

“Wakanda.”

“Not a real place.”

“Latveria.”

“Also from a comic book.”

“Agrabah.”

“Stop it. Secretary Esper, did you personally read any reports predicting attacks on our embassies?”

“Read? Who’s got time to read anymore? I’m still working on The Corrections.”

“Yes or no, sir. Did you see any evidence or are you taking the President’s word?”

“President Trump’s word is evidence!”

“Again: that is not how evidence works.”

“I don’t know what happened in your life to cause you to be so cynical, Katy, but I was raised to trust America’s Commander-In-Chief. Unless he’s black.”

“I’m ignoring that and gonna ask you one last time: did you, Mark Esper, see any official documents implicating Qasem Soleimani in imminent attacks on American embassies?”

“Define ‘official.'”

“I’m gonna take that as a ‘no.’ We’ll be back after this.”

A Partial Transcript Of Mike Pompeo’s Appearance On Katy Tur Live, 1/3/20

“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur, and welcome to Katy Tur Live. 2020 is only three days old, and already Australia has burned to a crisp, Trey has been stuck on a platform, and America has launched airstrikes against Iranian militias operating inside Iraq. At this pace, we’ll all be living in a Cormac McCarthy novel by March. With me to discuss the surprise military attacks is the Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo.”

“Thank you for having me, Katy. Y’know, we could have gotten your little hippie friend out of the rigging.”

“Without killing him?”

“Oh.”

“No.”

“Secretary, on Thursday, the United States launched a drone-based attack against one of Iran’s top leaders, Qasem Soleimani, killing him along with several other high-ranking Iranian military commanders.”

“Was it Thursday? Felt like a Monday. I got no idea what day it is.”

“Yes, it was Thursday.”

“You sure? You start new things on a Monday. Diets, exercise routines, world wars: those are Monday kinda deals.”

“Thursday, sir. Can you give us some background on the decision to kill Soleimani?”

“Sure. Bad guy! Who was the last one we blew up, Bababooey?”

“Al-Baghdadi.”

“Right, that guy. Well, Soleimani was much, much worse. Responsible for up to 50,000 American deaths.”

“Excuse me? Are you blaming the Iranian general for the murder of 50,000 Americans?”

“Up to. Up to 50,000. Somewhere from zero to 50,000.”

“Ah.”

“This sucker was a bad mammajamma. World’s a better-off place with him dead. Real mean dude, Katy. Hated America almost as much as the Democrats do. Actually, I don’t know about that. Soleimani never tried to stage a fake impeachment.”

“Mm-hmm. When was the order given to take him out?”

“Funny story about that: President Trump polled the room at Mar-a-Lago on New Year’s. It was unanimous.”

“Wait, let me get this straight. The buffet line at President Trump’s golf club was consulted, but the Senate was not?”

“Lindsey Graham was there. And so was Lou Dobbs, who’s pretty much a Senator at this point.”

“He is not.”

“He looks like a Senator, though. Gotta give the Dobbinator that. If you were making a movie and needed a guy to play a U.S. Senator, you’d call Big Lou.”

“That doesn’t make any of this all right, Secretary.”

“Katy, we have high-level intelligence that Soleimani was planning something.”

“Planning what?”

“Something. Something bad. Not just hinky, but real bad. Like, you’d remember where you were when it happened.”

“Okay. What?”

“Oh, God, it was gonna be awful. Dead kids everywhere. White kids, Katy. The kids that matter.”

“A terrorist attack on American soil?”

“Maaaaaaaaybe. Definitely possible. Absolutely foreseeable. What did Bob Dylan say about weathermen and wind?”

“Leave Dylan out of this, please. Secretary, was there a concrete plan to harm Americans?”

“Lemme put it this way: if he didn’t want to kill Americans, then why was his name Qasem?”

“Wow.”

“Can’t answer that, huh?”

“Secretary, what is our next step?”

“After this, I’m gonna do another interview on Fox News.”

“I meant for the country.”

“Katy, what President Trump has done by launching attacks is to guarantee peace. You see, President Trump understands the Iranians. Far better than Barack Obama did, even though he was born there.”

“He wasn’t.”

“No one wants war, which is why we had to start one.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s like when our brave firefighters combat the wildfires out west. They’ll light a small blaze to burn out the fuel in the larger fire’s path. The upcoming war with Iran can only be prevented by the current war with Iran.”

“That makes no sense.”

“You have to spend money to make money.”

“Nope. That saying does not apply here in any way.”

“Gotta be cruel to be kind.”

“Also not applicable.”

“Katy, the fact that President Trump has not received the Nobel Peace Prize for this merely points out the communism and hatred of the selection committee.”

“It only happened 36 hours ago.”

“Special award. They should have reconvened for a special session and given it to him.”

“Secretary, I am still failing to see how assassinating a foreign leader will lead to peace.”

“Oh, I don’t like the word ‘assassination.'”

“What would you call it?”

Explosively demoted.”

“You did not demote General Soleimani.”

“He was turned into motes. Okay, fine: we explosively moted him. And the Iranians are thrilled.”

“They are not.”

“I have been on the phone all day with Iranians. Most of ’em like to be called Persians, but they’re really Iranians. Anyhoo, they were on board. You know the Iron Sheik?”

“The wrestler?”

“Real bright guy. Couldn’t thank me enough for killing Soleimani. Kept calling him a jabroni. Great word. That was a fun call.”

“Secretary, it truly does not matter what professional wrestlers think about the administration’s actions in Iraq. I return to an earlier question: what is the plan now?”

“We’re gonna keep de-escalating the situation, no matter how many missiles we have to launch to do it.”

“I need to go to a commercial before my head explodes.”

Joe Biden Appears On Katy Tur Live, 11/18/19

“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. You could find a lake and shit in it, but no: you’re watching MSNBC. Today’s guest is the former Vice-President of the United States Joe Biden. Thank you for being here, sir.”

“No problem, Katy. First off: great sweater. Really shows off your personality.”

“Thank you. Mr. Vice-President, you recently appeared at a forum in Las Vegas where you were questioned on your stance towards marijuana legalization.”

“Wild town, Vegas. They go all night.”

“Could you clarify your opinions for me, sir?”

“Go in the summer. People think it’s too hot, but it can’t be too hot for me. Love that weather. I go in July, sit out at the cabana.”

“Not your opinions about Las Vegas, sir. Will the Biden Administration legalize marijuana at the federal level?”

“Hold your horses, little missy. Put the brakes on. We don’t wanna go passing out marijuana to fifth-graders.”

“No one does.”

“We had a guy back home in Scranton, used to play the trombone with bands. Called him Potto. Always high like a kite, stumbling around, real sloppy guy. Turns out he had a thing for kids. The whole neighborhood found out at once. It was a real different time back then. They found a whole bag full of reefer in his apartment. Maybe that’s what made him do those things.”

“Are you suggesting some sort of link between cannabis and child molestation?”

“It is a gateway drug, Katy. First, you smoke a little hash, then you shoot a bit of dope, and then you touch a kid.”

“That is entirely wrong, sir. I cannot allow that statement to stand unchallenged. Either produce evidence for your claim or retract it.”

“I’m not saying everyone touches kids.”

“Sir.”

“It’s happened. Individuals have lived through that particular progression before. Not all. I’ll give you ‘not all.’ Maybe not even a lot. But it’s happened.”

“Are you saying you do not favor legalization?”

“What do we really know about marijuana, Katy? Is it a trick? What are its effects on scoliosis? Can it be reasoned with, or intimidated? I spent four decades in the United States Senate, and I wanna know just what marijuana’s capabilities are. The ins, the outs, really get under the hood. Evidence, Katy. When it comes to marijuana, we need more evidence.”

“You’re saying there should be more research?”

“I wanna see more science. I always wanna see more science. Every morning, Helen–that’s my girl, Helen, you’ve talked to Helen–says, ‘Whaddya want today, boss?’ and I say, ‘Bring me the science!’ I yell it. I love doing the business of America.”

“So you would remove marijuana from the DEA’s list of Schedule I drugs, allowing it to be tested more openly?”

“Katy, that list is the worst of the worst. Real bad hombres. You got your heroin, and you get addicted to that. You run around on the streets like a nut, maybe you got a knife. It’s no way to live, and that’s our family. We love them, but it’s no way to live. LSD is on there, too. Hippies called it acid, and it’s still around, and it is still a rotten apple. Don’t bite it! Acid messes up your mind, and a lot of people never come back. Happened to a guy from my fraternity. Real sharp guy, bright, going places. He took acid. Stabbed people! We can’t have that.”

“Mr. Vice-President, marijuana is provably safer than either heroin or LSD.”

“And ecstasy. That’s a new one. That’s the rave drug. I’ve seen pictures of these parties. Women wear outfits like you wouldn’t believe. Big furry boats, goggles, it’s a wild look. Kills thousands a year. Very dangerous, just like pot.”

“No, sir, ecstasy does not kill thousands a year.”

“Mowing down the dance floor, Katy. It’s underreported how many teens are dying from this stuff. Good teens, not just black kids.”

“Wow.”

“And when I hear that people are waving the flag for forced marijuana–”

“No one is for that.”

“–it gooses my pimples. Gooses ’em good.”

“Your pimples and their goositude notwithstanding.”

“What if the pot is laced? Pushers will do that sometimes. They lace the pot.”

“Very rare, sir.”

“I saw Denzel do it. He was a cop. Remember? He was corrupt, but he was so cool. I’m bigger than King Kong! What was the name of it? Him and a white kid, and he makes the kid smoke the wet. Denzel had made the pot ‘wet pot’ and he freaks out. They’re in Denzel’s great car and he’s training–Oh, it’s called Training Day. Right. That makes sense. But, yeah, Denzel makes him smoke the wet, and it just went terribly for the poor soul.”

“It was an excellent film.”

“So maybe that’s what happens? I legalize marijuana, and then someone makes the pot wet?”

“All of it?”

“You never know. Great movie, though. Who’s that guy in it? The one with no body fat?”

“Scott Glenn.”

“He’s great. Been in a lot of westerns. That guy can ride a horse.”

“Sir, you’re losing focus.”

“Katy, lose that sweater.”

“We’ll be right back.”

A Partial Transcript Of Mick Mulvaney On The Katy Tur Show, 10/19/19

PORTENTOUS YET OPTIMISTIC OPENING JINGLE NOISE

“Good afternoon, shut-ins, fellow members of the media, and people in waiting rooms. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. Today, my guest is Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.”

“Call me The Main Vane.”

“No. Mick, the President has had a busy week.”

“Every week is like that for this great man. Katy, Donald Trump is a titan of dealmaking, a behemoth of statesmanship, and a leviathan of politics. His posture is a model for all Americans. The President stands so damn straight, and Katy–sure as I’m sitting here–the man smells like heaven, Manly heaven. Imagine a pork loin simmered in the spirit of generosity, that’s Donald Trump’s fragrance.”

“President Trump smells like Drakkar Noir. He’s forcibly hugged me on several occasions.”

“Lucky you.”

“Mick, the President announced that this year’s G7 summit would be held at the Doral Golf Club in Miami, which he owns.”

“It’s a spectacular property, Katy, and the staff is out of this world. You would not believe how many shapes they can twist towels into. Every day, you come back to your room and it’s a new surprise. They can do elephants, giraffes, all the animals. I wonder if that skill carries over to balloons? I saw a guy make a balloon tollbooth once. Took him half-an-hour, but it was amazing. The gate went up and down and everything.”

“Please focus.”

“Katy, do you want the leaders of the G7 to stay someplace where the towels are towel-shaped? Just folded? What are we, savages?”

“I am certain that other locations can manipulate towels.”

“What about the golf course?”

“Only one other participant in the summit besides President Trump plays golf.”

“Oh, do they? I just mentioned it because President Trump uses it. Which other leader? The Japanese one, right? Those people love their golf.”

“Some feel that it’s inappropriate to hold the summit at Doral.”

“Who?”

“The Constitution?”

“Turns out that’s a lot more of a guideline than a rule book. Katy, you don’t understand that President Trump isn’t going to make any money off of this.”

“None?”

“Not money money.”

“What does that mean?”

“Listen, the man is going to offer his world-class, award-winning resort and hotel at Motel 6 prices. There are already plans to take 50% off all spa services. And everyone’s getting free shrimp cocktails.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“But it does make it classy. Makes it verrrrry classy.”

“The Democrats, along with many former White House officials from both parties, are denouncing this decision.”

“Of course they are. They’re demons.”

“What now?”

“Ever see The Exorcist?”

“Yes.”

“There ya go. Pazuzus, every last one of ’em.”

TWITTER NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Mick, the President has just tweeted that he will not having the G7 summit at Doral.”

“Yeah, sure, uh-huh. That was the plan all along.”

“I hate to repeat myself, but: what now?”

“The President meant to do that. Strategy is his middle name. Well, actually, his middle name is ‘John,’ which is an exceedingly strong and masculine name. ‘John’ is probably the least-gay name, Katy.”

“The plan was to announce the summit at Doral and then petulantly change his mind two days later?”

“I disagree with everything you just said after the word ‘plan.’ And I would insert ‘brilliant in front of ‘plan.’ His brilliant plan was to keep his enemies–who, as I mentioned, are demons–off their game. President Trump just left-footed ya again!”

“Uh-huh. Mick, let’s get back to the impeachment inquiry, and the assertions that have arisen from that. The Trump Administration is said to have held back military aid from the Ukraine in exchange for information about the President’s political enemies.”

“It sounds terrible when you put it like that.”

“How would you put it?”

“Diplomacy. Put on your big girl pants, Katy. This is how the world works. Were you expecting rainbows and unicorns? Because the rainbow raped the unicorn, and that messed the unicorn up. Unicorn’s a junkie now, Katy. You can sex on it for ten dollars a throw out back of the package store. That’s the world, Katy.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“We’re the good guys here! We were stamping out corruption in Ukraine, but Ukraine is so corrupt that we had to apply a little pressure to do it. We were maybe too rough with our justice. Like Batman. We were a lot like Batman.”

“Don’t bring Batman into this. Mick, was there a quid pro quo with the Ukrainians?”

“It’s astonishing to me when people call what happened a quid pro quo. It wasn’t that at all.”

“What was it?”

“It was more like ‘this for that’.”

“That’s literally what the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ means.”

“I’ve seen alternate translations.”

“Then they were wrong.”

“Katy, I can tell you right now: I was in the room when these conversations took place, and I never once heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ said. So it couldn’t have been a quid pro quo.”

“You don’t have to say the words aloud. It’s not a magic spell, it’s a description of an exchange.”

“No quo.”

“Stop that.”

“Katy, again: I was in the room when these conversations occurred, and–”

URGENT CELL PHONE NOISE

“–there was…Katy, I’m getting a text from my lawyers.”

“I misspoke. Apparently, I was not in the room when any of these conversations took place.

“Uh-huh.”

“Also, those conversations did not take place.”

“Sure.”

“Commercial break’d be great right about now.”

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