Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: katy tur

A Partial Transcript Of Katy Tur’s Interview With Justin Trudeau, 9/19/19

“Good afternoon, and welcome back to The Katy Tur Show. I’m Katy Tur, and I’m just as dumb as the rest of the people doing this job, but a lot easier to look at. Today on the program is embattled Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Thank you for coming on the show, Prime Minister.”

“I’m happy to do any American teevee. I’m doing much better in the polls down there.”

“Sir, this week–deep into your reelection campaign–photographs surfaced of you wearing blackface at a Halloween party.”

“No, Katy. Not true.”

“Excuse me?”

“It was brownface. Not as bad as blackface. I still strongly regret the incident, and apologize to all of Canada, but I want the facts about this to be straight: brownface.”

“Is there a difference?”

“Definitely, eh. Blackface is the worst. Brownface is right under that. Then you got red and yellow. As the saying goes The darker the paint, the worse the taint.”

“I don’t think that’s a saying.”

“It’s Canadian.”

“Prime Minister, can you explain the background of the photo?”

“Sure. this was at an Arabian Nights-themed party in British Columbia when I was working as a teacher.”

“You were a teacher?”

“It was shocking to me, too. Most of my life, people have just let me do whatever the hell I wanted to.”

“You were saying that you had been invited to an Arabian Nights party.”

“Oh, no. I wasn’t invited. I actually crashed the party. I apologize for that, too.”

“Wait. You crashed the party? But you were in an Ali Baba suit and blackface.”

“Brownface.”

“Whatever. Why were you in that costume if you weren’t invited?”

“I was wearing the outfit and makeup at the time. In the 90’s, I performed dialect comedy as Aga Baba, the Baby Ay-rab.”

“Please don’t pronounce that word that way.”

“See, I was an mighty sheikh, but I was also a baby. Gotta be honest with you, Katy: the concept never quite gelled.”

“Wow.”

“But I do want to stress that I always closed my sets with a prayer for peace. In a lot of ways, the Aga Baba character was just an extension of my teaching.”

“Really?”

“I sure would like you to accept that answer and move on. Have I shown you my socks?”

“No.”

SOCK-SHOWING NOISE

“Whose face is that on them?”

“It’s Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil. Great flick.”

“Prime Minister, I’m now being informed that a second picture of you in blackface has come to light. We’re going to put it up on the screen.”

PICTURE-SHOWING NOISE

“Sir, can you explain this?”

“Oh, gosh, I wanna say ‘Fake News.'”

“But you won’t.”

“It’s just not in our nature, Katy.”

“Prime Minister, the picture shows you once again in blackface, this time with the white around the mouth and the gloves and everything.”

“I can explain.”

“Okay.”

“Now?”

“Please.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I politely upbraid Trump while displaying my dimples?”

“No, sir. The picture. Why are you in full-on Al Jolson drag?”

“Well, Katy, I’ll tell you. And I will tell your audience. They deserve the truth. The sponsors. Can’t forget the sponsors. This is daytime cable news, right, so all the ad time is devoted to commemorative gold coins and toilet devices. Sometimes you see that magic garden hose, the one that shrinks away to nothing. Always meant to buy one of those suckers. If it does even half of what the commercial promises, then it’d be the hose of my dreams.”

“Stop stalling, Prime Minister. The picture.”

“I was Goofus.”

“What?”

“The two boys who teach us wrong from right. Goofus and Gordy.”

“Gallant.”

“In Canada, it’s Gordy.”

“Whatever.”

“I was the Goofus in whatever scenario that picture was taken in. I was showing what not to do.”

“You were warning people away from blackface…by doing blackface.”

“Yes?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Prime Minister, were there any other incidences of you darkening your face to portray other races?”

“No. Absolutely not. Never. Wait. Yes. Once in 2001.”

“What happened in 2001?”

“September 11th. Have you ever heard the story of Gander? It’s a heartwarming Canadian tale that I’d like nothing more than to repeat over and over while until the election. While being handsome, of course.”

“Of course. Sir, why were you in blackface in 2001?”

“I told you: September 11th.”

“No.”

“Everyone deals with grief differently, Katy.”

“No one deals with grief by corking up, Prime Minister.”

“I don’t know, eh. You see the last Avengers movie? When Hawkeye’s family got snapped away, he became a ninja. That’s cultural appropriation, too, but no one’s giving Jeremy Renner a hard time.”

“Jeremy Renner is going through his own nonsense right now. Leave Renner out of this. Hold on.”

“Prime Minister, I’ve just been informed that a video of you wearing blackface has been posted on the internet.”

“Katy, I’ve said this over and over: my privileged upbringing resulted in a massive blind spot that revealed itself via multiple forays into minstrelry. I wholeheartedly apologize for these mistakes of my youth.”

“The video is from this week.”

“Oh, shit. Fried Chicken Friday.”

“What with the who now?”

“You know Taco Tuesday? Well, in my office, we do Fried Chicken Friday. And I guess maybe I took it a little too far.”

“You are once again in full blackface and…wow. You are now removing your shirt to reveal that you have darkened your entire torso.”

“I took it too far.”

“And you are singing. I do not recognize the tune.”

“My Old Kentucky Home.”

“We’re going to go to commercial.”

COMMERCIAL-SHOWING NOISE

“Welcome back to the…Prime Minister, you have applied blackface during the commercial break.”

“I should absolutely know better than this, Katy.

Hello, Dolly

In an interview with BBC News, the 14th Dalai Lama expressed controversial views on a female successor, while speaking on topics that range from President Trump to Brexit.

The Tibetan religious leader told BBC’s South Asian correspondent Rajini Vaidyanathan that “if female Dalai Lama comes, then she should be more attractive,” otherwise, “people, I think prefer, not see her, that face.”

Vaidyanathan questioned the basis of his comments and asked, “It’s about who we are inside, isn’t it?” The Dalai Lama replied, “Yes, I think both.”

These statements are a reiteration of his past comments back in a 2015 interview with BBC journalist Clive Myrie, stating that a prerequisite for a female Dalai Lama would be physical appeal, or else she would be of “not much use.” – Buzzfeed News, 6/28/19

“Your Holiness, thank you for speaking with me today.”

“You’re an everyday treat for me, Katy. Get up nine hours before dawn, don’t drink any coffee, meditate, hang out with Richard Gere, watch Katy Tur Live. I am a fan.”

“Wow. That’s incredible. I’m honored. Blown away.”

“You should always wear the glasses. The glasses kill me. They’re my thing.”

“Okay. Your Holiness, recently you’ve made comments suggesting that the next Dalai could be a woman, as long as she was beautiful.”

“Yuh-huh.”

“What did you mean by that?”

“Beautiful? You know: good face, plump where she should be, legs without a lot of weird pockmarks and divots. A fox.”

“A fox?”

“Absolutely. You can’t have an uggo as Dalai Lama. It’s in the rules.”

“There are rules?”

“Oh, yeah. Tons of ’em. Cant do PCP: that’s a rule. Not allowed to ride in the same helicopter as the Panchen Lama: that’s another rule. And if you’re a Dolly Lama, you’ve gotta be smoking.”

“Dolly Lama?”

“That is the proper spelling for a female Dalai Lama.”

“You’re making all of this up.”

“Oh, no. All in the rules.”

“May I see these rules?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“They’re in Tibetan.”

“Your Holiness, I simply don’t understand what someone’s physical appearance has to do with their ability to fulfill a spiritual role.”

“Oh, c’mon, Katy. No one wants to sit through a sermon from a Two. You wanna bring in the followers, you need at least an Eight. At least. And she needs to be an Eight with a gimmick, like mammoth cans or something. Maybe a wonky eye, but it looks cute on her. Listen, I’ve talked to Tibetans. I’m out there on the streets reading the temperature of the crowd. And they just won’t accept a Dolly Lama who doesn’t make you pop a chubby. Maybe a semi.”

“I’m shocked by these comments.”

“Y’know who’d be great is that Margot Robbie chick. God, she’s so fucking hot. I wanna stick a straw up her ass and suck out her hot doody. She’s so hot I wanna throw her out of a plane.”

“Your Holiness.”

“Or Rhianna. Rhianna could totally be Dolly Lama. Shit, she’s hot. I wanna do to her face what Chris Brown did, but with my dick.”

“Your Holiness!”

“God hates ugly chicks, Katy. That is one of the core tenets of Buddhism.”

“It most certainly is not.”

“Core tenet”

“You’re terrible.”

“Oh, yeah. You’ve never read about me? I’m the worst.”

A Partial Transcript Of Joe Biden’s MSNBC Interview, 6/20/19

“Welcome back to Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. We’re sitting with former Vice-President and current Presidential candidate Joe Biden. Thank you for speaking with us, Mr Vice-President.”

“Call me Joe and sit on my lap.”

“Mr. Vice-President, your campaign seems to keep hitting bumps in the road. You’re markedly centrist in a field that favors progessives, and you’re forever tottering right at the edge of out-of-touch. Also, you’re mildly inappropriate in a way that, while demeaning and disrespectful, isn’t born from malice. The actual President is a straight-up sex criminal, but you being handsy is eliminating.”

“You’re not getting on my lap?”

“It’s that sort of thing, sir.”

“Katy, do you know what retail politics is? It means getting it done in the streets, and moving it forward on the floor. And, in the end, it’s about connecting. It’s that human thing, Katy. I met a woman in Ames, she said her name was Megatron. That didn’t sound right, but I didn’t challenge her. That’s not retail politics. Apparently, everyone in her community was addicted to opiates, including the community itself. The localized concept of community, I suppose. It, uh, “woke up” is what Megatron said, and then it hungered. This is not what Americans were promised, Katy.”

“No, sir.”

“I hugged her. Megatron. I clasped her tight to my chest, and I could feel my chest hairs rustle as her big boobies pressed against them.”

“Sir.”

“It’s a compliment!”

“Mr, Vice-President, let’s move on. Your latest controversy stems from your statements about working with United States Senators who were openly segregationist.”

“Well, hey, racists need roads, too. And wars needed voting for. When it came to the black stuff, I went the other way. And, you know, there was a lot of black stuff with those guys. I guess nowadays you’d call it urban stuff. Whatever you called it, they hated the coloreds. And, you know, back then everyone hated the gays and Jews. There was a lot of common ground in the old days.”

“Many within your party have taken offense at these remarks.”

“Screw ’em. I’m the only one running who’s worked with Nazis before, and I can work with ’em again. See, what’s missing in Washington these days is civility. Used to be that Senators would sexually claim Pages. An elaborate system of trading and borrowing of the young flesh began; it was as much a beloved tradition as the Candy Desk. Pages would die a lot, but their parents were given excellent jobs. Ambassadorships, stuff like that”

“What?”

“Everyone would know each other. Really know each other, the whole government. Nothing brings men closer than sharing boys, or girls, or maybe going to the shooting range. Capitol Police have a range in the basement, and they let us use the machine guns. Big fun. And, so, conservatives and liberals and Democrats and Republicans can get around the little things and just be together. Sex with young people. Guns, That’s America, Katy, and that’s what the American people want.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Don’t get me wrong, now: these guys were racist as hell, and I am not okay with that. When they would start in with their jokes, I would only stay for the first couple minutes. And you didn’t want to get too drunk with ’em. A little drunk was real fun, but they would get all riled up when they got real juiced. The black security guards would step out of sight when they got like that. It was for the best. Kept the peace.”

“Some would say that “the best” would have been the Senators curbing their openly racist behavior.”

“Some would. But you take away Strom Thurmond’s racism, and what does he have left? Katy, again: I’m talking about retail politics. Herman Talmadge was made out of racism. Once saw him beat a Mexican kid half-to-death with a cafeteria tray. I’ll teach you to be Mexican! he kept yelling. Mashed potatoes flying everywhere. Hell of a scene, but there was cordiality between colleagues.”

“Sure, but–”

“If Jesse Helms was such a racist, then why didn’t he ever call me the N-word?”

“Because it would make no sense?”

“That’s right, Katy! It would make no sense. You leave the racism outside the office and you make your deals at the gown-up table. What you have is two positions, right? This is the essence of politics, and of life. You got two positions. Our side says Everybody’s equal, and their side says But not the blacks, and so what you need to do is compromise. You compromise. And, sometimes, you lose a battle to win the war.”

“”Sir–”

“Jesse and Strom, people forget this or maybe just don’t know it about them, but: they were only politically racist. Face-to-face? Polite as hell to every black they saw. Always said Please and Thank you. Jesse loved the little ones. He’d pull a quarter out from behind their ears, and rub on their heads for luck. Who’s your Momma? he’d yell at the kids. Deaf as a donkey. Do you know who yo’ Daddy is? He’d yell at the kids. Loved ’em. Got a lot done, Strom Thurmond.”

“Strom Thurmond was virulently racist, and quite open about the fact.”

“Yes, Katy, but he was nice to me.”

“We’re gonna take a commercial break.”

“You getting on my lap?”

“Nope.”

“Massage?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Okay.

The Grateful Dead: A Temporal Appreciation

Dear The Grateful Dead,

Hi. How are you? Hell of a baseball season, huh? Okay, enough pleasantries.

Thank you, The Grateful Dead, for not existing concurrently with the internet. I know that the internet technically existed when you were around, but there were nine people on it at the time, and two of them were Penn Jillette. (He was much fatter then.) What I mean is…

THE INTERNET

…you know, how we have it nowadays in 2018. The “ruining the world” internet. The “okay, now we hate that guy” internet. The “you should have done it this way” internet. The “hey, remember that shitty thing you said 16 years ago” internet. The instant-feedback web where everyone’s opinion is equally valid and every putz with a camera phone is either Edward Murrow or Ernie Kovacs.

Thank you, The Grateful Dead, for packing it in before #couchtour was a thing. There’s another band just like you, The Grateful Dead, and they’re extant. Extant as fuck, as a matter of fact: playing some of the best shows of their lives, but their fans–basically Deadheads with a higher tolerance for shitty lyrics and fewer options as far as tee-shirt iconography goes–don’t seem to be aware of the fact.

O, the whining (from the gentiles)! Oy, the kvetching (from the Jews)! Hey, I’m Katy Tur (from Katy Tur)! They played this song last week, the fans tweet angrily. They haven’t played this song in years, the other fans post on Facebook. One point oh, two point oh, fuck point off: they won’t stop yelling and, far worse, making the same joke over and over.

So, thank you, The Grateful Dead, for taking place in an era bereft of real-time reviews, next day podcasts, and digital fucking petitions. (Because if you think Deadheads in 1982 wouldn’t have started up a “BRING BACK DARK STAR” petition, then you should go and read someone else’s site; you’re too naive to be here.)

Sincerely,
Rock Star Richard

Bright-Eyed Katy

“Pretty lady is pretty, Trey.”

“She is, Page, but she’s more than just a pretty lady. She’s a big-time reporter.”

“Oh. OOOOHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!”

“She’s not secretly Superman, Page.”

“Oh, right, right. Okay.”

KEYBOARDIST WINKING NOISE

“No, Page. All reporters are not secretly Superman. I don’t know who told you that, but they were messing with you.”

“Is she Spider-Man?”

“She has no super-powers at all, buddy. Although, she put up with Keith Olbermann’s bullshit for a few years, so maybe she does.”

“What?”

“Big media joke, pal. Don’t worry about it.”

“What does she do?”

“Katy? Well, she covered the Trump campaign for NBC.”

“He is bad!”

“He is, buddy.”

“I don’t like him!”

“I’m with you.”

“He is orange! Presidents should be black!”

“Could not agree more, man.”

“Trump should not be around Katy. He will chain her up and make her wear a metal bikini.”

“She’s safe now, Pagey. She’s with us.”

“Okay. I like her better than Jake Tapper.”

“Everyone does.”

“Trey?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“What doughnut is it?”

“We’re not doing that anymore.”

“Oh.”