Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Little Aleppo (Page 8 of 20)

Everybody Got To Go In Little Aleppo

“Whatchoo got to be scared of, Little Aleppo? Disease. Spiders. Yourself. Smart move to be a bit scared of yourself. You don’t know what you’re capable of. What else is there? Draculas and werewolfs and the zombified? You know they ain’t real. The boogerman in the closet and the shadow’s shrike under the bed. Those are just for the kiddies, right? You’re grown. A man said that there was nothing to fear but fear itself, but I bet that man was petrified of stairs, ha ha ha.

“Easy to trust your eyes when the sun’s up. It’s 8:19 in the morning here on KHAY–Hey!–and you’re not worried. Only thing to be scared about at 8:19 in the morning is the next eight hours, right? Scared of the boss man, scared of lunch meats, other folk’s sweat at the gym. That ain’t scared. That’s anxious. That sort of thing produces stress. Not fear. Stress and fear are different animals. Marathon runner versus a sprinter. One erodes, the other explodes.

“Nothing to fear but monsters, ain’t that right?

“Little Aleppo’s had some monsters.

“Seems like they came with the territory. Ever read Doc Wallop’s First Years in the Valley? Doc got here in 1853, set up shop at the end of the Main Drag, which wasn’t even called that yet. Turnaway Lode was bringing ’em in, man. Dozen men a day. Lot of gold in those hills, and gold creates need. The mine needed men to work it, and the men needed other men to take their money. Everyone a stranger to each other, and most a stranger to himself. The promised land, cats and kittens. No one ever said what the promise was, just that one was made, ha ha ha.

“Lots of need. Sometimes, there comes along a person got a real specific need.

“Clappy Strothers. A miner. He was the first one who disappeared. Last week of March in ’58. Didn’t have a lot of friends, so no one noticed for a few days. Left his bedroll in the tent camp, though. Someone stole it. People figured he went up into the hills when he was drunk. Bad idea going up in those hills alone back then. Fall into a gulch, slip down a gully. If you’re lucky. More than just the terrain up there back then, cats and kittens. No one worried too much about Clappy. Gold to mine. Shovels and whiskey to sell.

“And then a fellow everybody called Alabama, No one knew his real name, so when they dug his body out of that shallow grave in the wooded glen that made up the south of the neighborhood and reburied him in Foole’s Yard, the wooden marker at his head just had Alabama on it. A drunken preacher named Franklin Farthing went missing, but they did not find his corpse with the others, so he might have actually gotten eaten by a squatch or a puma. Leo West was a gambler. Bad one. Used to play faro in the Wayside Inn. ‘Faro’ is Old West for ‘sucker.’

“Except that Leo was a funny guy, according to Doc Wallop. Charming. Bit of a dandy, even when he was down on his luck. Not like you can sell costume jewelry.

“And then that Norwegian family’s son.

“Neighborhood got antsy after that one. Adults might scamper off in the middle of the night back to America, but kiddies stay where they are until someone moves ’em.

“Now you got fear. Rumors started up. Loudmouth named Henry Bales starts spouting off about a Chinaman he saw acting suspicious the night the Norwegian boy vanished. Add some whiskey.

“And that’s what happened to Little Aleppo’s first Chinatown, cats and kittens. The Doc’s book says around 40 died, but some eggheads from Harper College brought a GPR machine over to the Verdance. Ground Penetrating Radar. Like an ultrasound for Mother Earth, ha ha ha. Those eggheads put the number of bodies around 75.

“Week or so later, a little fellow called Johnny Bender walked into the Wayside for a drink. Miss Valentine–you know Miss Valentine–well, she served Johnny his drink and noticed he had one of Leo West’s fake rings on. Couple of her men asked Johnny some questions. They must have asked him too hard, cuz nobody saw Johnny after that night. Maybe he scampered off somewhere, ha ha ha.

“That was a conversation that stayed in the Wayside. Wasn’t gonna bring the Chinamen back, Miss Valentine figured.

“You been up Mt. Faith? Spent a little time with the Sebastianites? That monastery of theirs wasn’t always so holy. Used to be the Sanitarium du Lom.  We’d call it a health spa today. The word sanitarium’s like the word tyrant: they used to mean positive things.

“This was the 1890’s. Gilded Age, right? Robber Barons and whatnot, rich folks all over America with too much money, and you know that rich people never feel right. Always something paining them. But it was the 1890’s, so medicine hadn’t really been invented yet. I mean, they had a little bit, but you didn’t want it, ha ha ha.

“Quacks prospered.

“Parfait Lom said he came from Paris. It would later come out that he was from Minneapolis, but he fooled folks that had property there, so he must have done his homework. They never quite figured out whether he was a real doctor or not. Had all kinds of theories on nutrition. The phlegmatic should only eat green foods, the bilious should stick to red. He was real tall and imperious. Stuff that would sound dumb coming from a nervous schlub makes sense when someone real tall and imperious says it.

“Rich folks flocked to the Sanitarium du Lom. Magazines used to write about him. Town Fathers gave him a commendation for putting Little Aleppo on the map.

“This is the part where I tell you that Parfait Lom was killing those rich folks, right? Nah. Doctor Lom was smarter than that, Rich folks get missed! Rich folks get looked for!

“But not sanitarium attendants.

“He used to put ads in the papers Back East. Change of scenery, and high wages. No one missed them. No one looked for them. Doctor Lom had theories about medicine beyond nutrition. Stuff that ain’t fit for the morning radio. The doctor tested his theories.

“Cops never found any corpses, not a one. Found a closet full of sulfuric acid, but no corpses.

“He’d been at it for seven years.

“You can kill a lot of people as long as you kill the right people.

“Between 1930 and 1937, eleven women disappeared. All the same type, short and blonde and a little chubby. They looked like your old pal Frankie Nickels, ha ha ha. They’d find the bodies up in the hills. Most of the bodies, anyway. The Cenotaph called him the Blonde Butcher. Cops had a million leads, so did the peanut gallery at the Morning Tavern. No one ever got arrested.

“Last girl went missing in March of ’37. Student at Harper College named Jeannie Goodman. She was studying economics. Her head turned up the next month halfway up Mt. Charity.

“And then no more. Fear turned into memory turned into ghost story.

“All sorts of competing stories about the Butcher’s identity. The reputable historians say it was a guy named Bill Gull who owned an art framing shop. Died in the summer of ’37. The weird ones say it was a time-shifted dinosaur, or Fatty Arbuckle on one last tear.

“Chicken Hirsch. You remember Chicken Hirsch, cats and kittens. How could you not? Practically a cottage industry at this point.

“Called himself the Sword of Satan in those notes he sent. Can you imagine that? A man named Chicken being the Sword of Satan?

“Well, we believed it. Shot that couple, the Bergens, in the Verdance on their second anniversary. Snuck into that house on Varbiner Street and sliced that family’s throats. Marsha Bowles, she was an old lady all the way on the Upside. Family came over on the Mayflower. I won’t tell you what he did to her. You don’t wanna know.

“And all the while, sending those notes. To the cops, to the paper. Sent one in code. They deciphered it after they cleared the bodies out of the library. He had walked in on a Tuesday morning and shot everyone inside. Two librarians, and five patrons. Turns out he was calling his shot: the note read ‘I’m going to shoot everyone in the library on Tuesday morning.’

“Chicken screwed up, though. Shot a woman named Nancy Briggs twice. Should have shot her three times. She gave the cops a good description. Cops went out and violated the hell out of the neighborhood’s civil rights. They found Chicken, though. He lived to see trial, ain’t that amazing? Lucky for him. He got to give all those interviews. Spread his wisdom over all those journalists. The one that wrote that book, the other one who made that movie.

“He’s still kicking. Still keeping up with his correspondence. A girlfriend of mine used to write him as a goof. She showed me the letters. For a serial killer, he’s got lovely penmanship.

“Go on out and be yourself, Little Aleppo. Take the day by the horns, seize the bull.

“Don’t you worry about monsters. You’ll never see ’em coming, anyways.

“Ha ha ha.

“You up for some music, cats and kittens? Yeah, me too. How about the one about the midnight rambler? The one you’ve never seen before?

“You’re listening to the Frankie Nickels show on KHAY-Hey!–and, honey, it’s no rock and roll show.”

A Sermon In Little Aleppo

The Reverend Arcade Jones rose before dawn on Sundays. He had always been nervous on game day. When he was the star linebacker for Loxachachi High School, he would sleep on the living room couch Thursday nights. He knew he’d be up too early and wake his brothers if he slept in the bedroom they shared, so he laid out his jeans and sneakers and jersey–the football team wore their jerseys to class on Friday game days–and two extra tee-shirts and was out the door before his father. The phrase “football season” brings to mind crisp apple air and driving gray rain and snow squalls, but not in Florida. It was just as steamy as baseball season, and Arcade would be sweated up by the time he made it to the school.  He would walk the field as the sun rose, look for spots where the turf was soft, remember them for the game so he could steer his blocker into them and rush by when they tripped.

There were no soft patches to the field at the Swamp. University of Florida Gators played in a stadium nicknamed The Swamp, and it was slightly larger than his high school stomping grounds. 90,000 fans. Arcade was the same amount of nervous, though. He had his own room now–being a starter for a big-time college football program had its benefits–but he still laid out his clothes the night before. Night before was Friday instead of Thursday, but otherwise it was all the same. The field was the same size. Pack in as many fans as you want; still a hundred yards from goal line to goal line.

And now the Reverend Arcade Jones laid out his suit on Saturday night and woke up too early. He swung his legs over Emergency, who was a dog, and sat on his bed staring out the window. The Reverend thought about the Christ, and he thought about breakfast. Breakfast was surely the Christ, if He were infinite. The Lord manifested in oval plates laden with eggs and toast; he would take communion in an hour, but first a shower. He shaved his entire head under the water, hottest as he could stand, and used his fingers to feel for spots he had missed. Shea butter spread all over before he dried fully. The lotion soaked in better if you were still damp. His mother taught him that. Check the nails. Q-Tips for the ears.

Emergency had roused and he was underfoot, but Arcade did not mind. Surely the Christ was rust-colored and had a waggedy tail. Emergency was the Reverend’s first adult dog. His family had always had dogs, but Emergency was the first dog he had cared for since he had left home. He had forgotten how much he loved the dumb little suckers. How much they rooted you to a place. How you could enjoy putting another’s needs in front of yours. Emergency gnawed on Arcade’s ankle as he brushed his teeth; he was fully-grown, but still acted like a puppy in the mornings.

Arcade Jones wore tighty-whities because his dick flopped around too much in boxer shorts, and he slid his sheer black socks up his hairless calves. The gold suit. (The white folks called it yellow, but Arcade knew it was gold.) White shirt, silk. Seafoam green tie with a matching pocket square. Gator shoes, black, size 17 EEEE. Mickey Mouse watch that a pop star had given him when he worked security for her.

The dog walked from his bowl to the door of Arcade’s small apartment, back and forth, back and forth.

“You hungry? You wanna take a shit?”

Emergency wiggled his whole butt, and Arcade smiled so wide that buses could drive through.

“Me, too. I already took a shit, but I’m hungry. You wanna get going? You wanna get going?”

The butt wriggled some more, and the Reverend clipped the leash to his harness and then down the stairs and out of the office and into the First Church of the Infinite Christ and out the front door onto Rose Street. Shit. Bag. Garbage can. And then the two were on the Main Drag while the sun made its first advances on the neighborhood. Drunks staggered home past joggers; the Hetfields and McCoys of early Sunday mornings. The intellectually mobile walked down to the Broadside Newsstand in their pajamas clutching five dollar bills to buy the Sunday Cenotaph. It was the size of a starter home. World news, local news, sports, coupons, the op-ed page, coupons, the funnies, the important obituaries, coupons, the Magazine, the style section, arts and farts, coupons. Couples sat in bed half-naked and drinking coffee and hate-reading the paper to one another.

The Reverend Arcade Jones greeted everyone he passed, and so did Emergency. They smiled the whole way; Arcade was a people person, and Emergency was a people dog.

“May I recommend the red wolf?”

“Hmm. Tell me about it.”

“A lean meat,” Mr. Leopard said. “Very little fat. Flavorful without being aggressive, and it has the most fascinating finish. Tangy, but not coy. A mouthfeel halfway between turkey and veal.”

“My mouth feels like it’s watering,” Mr. France said, laughing at his own joke.

“There are fewer than 100 left in the world. We do a tartare with Maltese capers, or a bone-in shank over wild rice.”

“The shank sounds perfect.”

“It shall be. And you, Mr. Denmark?”

Mr, Leopard had found that if he forced his customers to use code names, he could charge them more. People would pay good money to feel like they’re getting away with something, and you could get away with anything besides being poor at the restaurant with no name. The carpet was dark and forgettable, and the tables were as solid as the dollar. Not dark, but dim. Clubby. Everything in the dining room was chosen to project one message: we are in here, and they are out there, and let us take advantage of that fact.

Mr. Denmark had piggy eyes and a thousand-dollar tie, and he only smiled when he was causing pain. He was smiling.

“I was thinking about ordering off the menu tonight.”

Mr. Leopard smiled. He had too many teeth.

“Of course. We have a scotch fillet that’s delightful. Tender as a daydream. Or, if you’re in a savage mood, we have short ribs that Chef has coated in a teriyaki glaze that would knock your socks off.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

Mr. Leopard was barefoot. He smiled. They always said the same thing.

“Indeed.”

“I’m feeling savage,” Mr. Denmark said.

“Aren’t we all? The ribs it is.”

Mr. France had the cleanest fingernails you’ve ever seen. He said,

“Mr. Leopard, I have heard from here and there that you’ll be having a very special special soon.”

Mr. Leopard smiled again, but this time you could not see his teeth. His posture remained solicitous and he put his hands together in front of him like he was praying. His fingers each had an extra knuckle.

“Oh, have you?”

“Secrets are so hard to keep.”

“I disagree. The trick is to not tell them to anyone.”

All three men laughed, and the servers and busboys in black did not rush and never ran around the dining room. Their shoes were rubber-soled and made no noise at all, and they did not speak to one another. Everything was choreographed at the restaurant with no name. A server pulled the chair out, pushed it in under you. Champagne poured. Amuse-bouche; a single light dumpling, slice of lardo, something to practice chewing on. Busboy removes the plate from over your left shoulder. Mr. Leopard takes your order. The severs set your plate before you from over your right shoulder. Then, nothing. No check-ins–“How’s everything going?”–but your glass will be refilled and dropped silverware replaced without a word. The busboys will count one, two, three, four when you place your silverware on the plate and wipe your mouth, then your plate is gone and Mr. Leopard is back with news of dessert, several of which are set on fire before being presented. Coffee. Cognac. No check. The restaurant with no name is prix fixe, and payment comes before the meal. Cash only, thousand a diner. There is an envelope in the car that is sent for you.

It’s all so dreadfully civilized.

“Last piece.”

“Berf.”

Dogs were not allowed in the Victory Diner, except for seeing-eye dogs and Emergency on Sunday mornings. He stayed under the table and got a bowl made up of the Reverend Arcade Jones’ breakfasts; he usually had three. Eggs and pancakes and usually a cheeseburger and fries. Arcade would put fingerfuls of each plate into a cereal bowl the waitress would bring. It was Sunday, he thought, it was Game Day; everybody gotta eat on Game Day. He ate relentlessly, but did not hurry. Emergency, who was a dog, scarfed back his bowl in under five seconds and then made small noises that even one unfamiliar with canines could translate as “Please give me more bacon.”

It was Saturday night in the Victory Diner until around ten a.m. Sunday morning. Teenagers in sunglasses coming down off their first acid trips were in the corner tackling their coffee cups, muttering and sputtering brilliant gibberish at each other. Insomniacs with poached eyes eating poached eggs. Call girls and rent boys in a booth stealing each others’ french fries. Chicks in fishnets nodding out; dudes in leather, too. Mixmistress Bosh had walked over from the loft party on Good Jones Street after her shift and tucked into oatmeal and egg whites. She ate right, Mixmistress Bosh.

“Three eggs, scrambled very hard. Double order of bacon, greasy. Just barely cook it. White toast, light. Coffee. Thank you.”

Flower Childs did not eat right, not lately at least. Didn’t sleep right, either. Lower Montana put a sleepy hand on her back as she got out of bed, and she dressed in her uniform even though she was off-duty and walked out of their house on Alfalfa Street west to the Main Drag and then to the Broadside for the Cenotaph and then back to the Victory Diner and the booth next to the Reverend Arcade Jones and Emergency. She had deep pockets under her eyes, which were under her reading glasses. She whipped through the broadsheet’s pages looking for her name, and when she did not find it in the news or on the editorial page, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes until the waitress startled her with coffee.

It was almost liberating, she thought, to have everything going wrong. Saved the categorization: all was fucked, all was fucked as far as the eye could fuck, and she felt the same sick relief as a condemned man out of appeals. Neighborhood was burning and, short an actual culprit, everyone was blaming her. Should’ve handed over those notes, Little Aleppo’s eyes read when they looked at her. All of a sudden, the cops were superheroes like in the movies or tech wizards like on teevee. What could those idiots have done? Flower had been dealing with the LAPD (No, Not That One) for decades and knew that their general level of competence was somewhere between “drunken teenager” and “chair.” Did everyone think the cops had a computer genius in the basement who could examine the notes under a spectrograph and pinpoint the factory they was made in?

Never seen the like, she thought as she sipped her black coffee. Little Aleppians happy to see the cops. The cops! You lied to the cops, you ran from the cops, you goofed on the cops, you avoided the cops, you dreaded the cops, you watched for the cops, you cursed the cops. You accused people of being cops. You didn’t cheer them, but here we were. The patrol cars were green and yellow–officially, they were emerald and gold, but Little Aleppo knew green and yellow when it saw them–and Chief Paraffin had hung “FIRE WATCH” signs on the doors. The officers were doing no more than usual, listening to the radio while cruising around looking at asses, but the locals bought it and cheered for them.

And Lower. Lowita. Fuck, Jesus, fuck, Light of my life, fire of my loins, pain of my ass, Lowita. A bar. She’s gonna run a bar. Kiss my ass, Flower thought, Lower’s gonna run a bar. She’d never paid a bill in her life. I do that shit, Flower thought. For all intents and purposes, the woman was on an allowance. It was a joint checking account, but Flower had the checkbook and the bank card, and she gave Lower lunch money at the beginning of the week. Mortgage, bills, taxes, the check when they went out for dinner: I do that shit, Flower thought, and then she remembered all the times Lower, her Lowita, had done math in front of her and Flower closed her eyes again. Of course she wanted the Wayside to live again, but not if she had to fill out the place’s quarterly reports. Flower was already seeing the Wayside as the dog her children had talked her into getting, promising at the top of their lungs to take care of it.

Walls made of shit were closing in.

“Chief Childs.”

She opened her eyes and looked behind her. The Reverend Arcade Jones was twisted around in his seat, too. He had recognized her through the mirror. They were both the kind of people you could recognize from behind.

“Reverend Jones, right?”

“Arcade Jones. I was at the meeting the other night and thought you expressed yourself wonderfully.”

And she realized how long it had been since she’d gotten a compliment, and so she said nothing so her voice did not catch, and then she said,

“Thank you.”

“Would you like some company?”

No, of course she didn’t. Goddamned religious wackos and their bullshit. No time for that. Rude to even ask, she thought, and she said,

“Yeah, okay.”

Arcade turned back to his table and his breakfasts and did a quick calculation. Back over his shoulder.

“I’m working on like seven plates. It would be a lot easier if you came here.”

Flower Childs dropped her fork onto the plate and grabbed it along with her coffee. Set them down in the remaining bare patch of the table opposite the Reverend. He put out his hand.

“Reverend Arcade Jones. Very glad to meet you.”

“Flower Childs. Same here.”

From under the table came a paw on her thigh.

“This your dog?”

“Oh, do you not like dogs? I’m sorry. Are you allergic?”

“Shit, no. I love dogs.”

Arcade smiled, and Flower held up a piece of bacon. He nodded, and she slipped it under the table where it got snapped right up. She left her hand there for licking.

“That’s Emergency,” Arcade said.

“Hey, girl. Who’s a girl?”

“He’s a boy.”

“Who’s a boy? Who’s a boy?”

“You have one?”

“The station does. Ash-Nine.”

“Is he a good dog?”

“She. And yes. She’s got three brain cells and they’re not speaking to each other, but she’s a good dog.”

“Nothing better than a dog.”

“Why is he allowed in the diner?”

The Reverend’s mouth enveloped a forkful of pancakes, and he raised his napkin to chew behind. When he swallowed, he said,

“He usually isn’t. Only real early Sunday mornings when no one will notice. We are the only sober people in here.”

She looked around. Across the dining room, spontaneously-formed doo-wop groups snapped their fingers at each other. Mescaline daddies played Jenga with waffles, and coffee ran like mascara. Behind the cutout, Louie Bucca was doing 120 behind the gill, speeding and sizzling and on for the next 24 hours; the waitress’ eyes were glassy and thrilled. At a table, a 19-year-old named Mallory cracked open a hard-boiled egg and found the secret to life, the universe, and everything. Then she ate it.

“Seems like it,” Flower said.

“All paths to the Christ are equal, but some look very silly from an outside perspective.”

She smirked and raised her coffee mug; he clunked his plastic tumbler of Coke against it.

“The Jewish folks are with you, right?”

“Yes. They wandered for a bit.”

“Typical.”

Arcade laughed so loudly that the whole diner pretended not to look.

“I used to play with a guy named Lonnie German. Strong safety. 6’2″ 150 pounds. Looked like a greyhound. Lonnie was into weird philosophy and conspiracies and dark nonsense. Would run his mouth about it for hours. Used to talk about how there’s no difference between a thousand years and a week. All of life was just cycles running at different speeds. I thought that man was crazy for years, but I don’t know if I do anymore.”

Flower stole a handful of fries and said,

“Where’s Lonny now?”

“Presumed dead.”

“Yeah.”

Arcade took a bite of his cheeseburger and dabbed at the sheen of sweat on his head with a paper napkin, one of about a dozen he was deploying: they were bibbed in his collar and spread in overlapping lines along his crotch and legs like shingles on a roof.

“So,” he said. “What’s up?”

And she told him. Lower could get two or three sentences out of her sometimes, but she gushed forth to the Reverend. He was a good listener. The notes, and the Jack of Instance, and Lower–her Lowita, Flower loved her, the pain in the ass–and the cops and the public opinion and the damned newspaper and everything, just everything, and when she was done she did not have tears in her eyes, but only out of practice.

Arcade sipped his Coke and slipped one last piece of bacon to the dog.

“Berf.”

“Shush.”

Flower spat out a laugh and stole another handful of fries.Here it comes, she thought. The Jesus rap. He was gonna invite her to church or tell her that he’d pray for her, whatever the fuck good that would do. Why was she even sitting here? Who the fuck was this guy? Flower Childs felt shaky in her situation.

“You ever hear the story of the guy who asked God for a sandwich?”

“No. What happened to him?”

“He starved to death.”

The sun rose higher in the sky outside the frosted windows, and the lights inside the Victory Diner became superfluous; day had taken hold and would not let go, not for hours, and there was nothing to do but face what’s coming to you in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Veteran’s Day In Little Aleppo

An ex-roadie and a ghost cop were in a cemetery. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. The day had barely taken hold and it was still foggy, but a very thin fog, the kind that does not obscure but makes the world blurry like an aging movie star filmed through a vaseline-coated lens. They had met at the Victory Diner before dawn. Ghosts don’t need to eat, but a short stack of pancakes is delicious even to the dead; ex-roadies do need to eat, but not pancakes. They sat in his stomach too heavy. Both had coffee, black. Tipped too much and walked out to the curb. 1961 Lincoln Continental in triple black: the paint, the leather, and the ragtop, which was down.

South on the Main Drag. Mile or two. Left turn onto Chambers Street. This is the Downside, and it is waking up. Sidewalks are shiny and slick. Men and women with their first names written in script on the breast pockets of their shirts walk to work. There are no joggers or children. Paperboys lean forward over their handlebars and toss the Cenotaph onto stoops and steps. Head east, head towards the Segovian Hills. The sun is behind the range, peaking through the steep canyon that separates Pulaski Peak from Mt. Charity. Mt. Lincoln, Mt. Faith, Mt. Fortitude, Mt. Chastity, Pulaski Peak, Mt. Charity, Mt. Booth. The seven hills, left to right if you’re standing on the Main Drag. Foothills now, and the land is lumpy and bumpy and undulating like it is gathering the courage to become a mountain. Turn south again onto Carrier Place. Park the Continental and get out. Only the driver’s side door opens and closes.

“Told you to stop floating out of the damn car,” Precarious Lee says.

“It’s easier.”

“Shitting in your pants is easier than finding the john, but that’s not the point.”

“Worry about yourself,” Officer Romeo Rodriguez says.

And they were in the cemetery.

Foole’s Yard was where Little Aleppo buried the decent. After the Wayside Fire in 1871, Miss Valentine was interred there under a white marble tombstone that had chubby little angels chiseled into it. Had her birthday on it, and the day she died, and a simple epitaph reading “Pillar of the Community.” The whores she owned were dumped into a mass grave in the southwest corner of the Verdance. The Pulaski were there, too, and so were the residents of the first Chinatown. Foole’s Yard had the Town Fathers, even the disgraced ones, and judges and businessmen and businessmen’s wives. Boat owners and sportswriters. Three generations of the McGlory clan. Dillon Kenny, Little Aleppo’s first Fire Chief, was in the far corner surrounded by his men, Dillon’s Dousers. Near the entrance was a fresh grave; the sod had not yet been laid in over it; bare dirt in a rectangle. The stone had Manfred Pierce’s name on it, and the epitaph was simple. “Hello, beautiful.” Below that it read “Seaman First Class – US Navy.”

Precarious had a grocery bag full of American flags, the size of 3 x 5 cards and made of thick, cheap cloth and affixed to a thin wooden dowel. He stuck one at the head of the grave. He had not been raised Catholic, so he did not cross himself, but he lowered his head and closed his eyes and then opened them and read the stone again and smirked. Manfred told the same jokes for 30 years, and one of them involved the phrase “first class seaman.”

“You know him?”

“Sure,” Precarious said. “Went by the Wayside every so often.”

Romeo cocked an eye and said,

“It was a gay bar.”

“I didn’t suck anybody’s cock while I was in there. I just had a beer.”

“Not my type of place.”

“Grow the fuck up.”

Precarious had his boots on. Thick leather, square-toed, mid-calf. Black. He had shined them the night prior the way he had been taught in the Army. The process involves spit, and a lighter, and more grease than an old man’s elbow should produce in one sitting; the joint throbbed now. Precarious had been wearing sneakers more and more lately, cushiony soles and supportive inseams. His knees chose his footwear in the mornings. No sneakers today, though. To the living, one owes respect, but to the dead, one owes a real pair of shoes.

He could see the boundaries of the graveyard. A fence, metal, spiked. Easily climbable by acid-soaked teens and raccoons scooted through the bars at will. The barrier between the living and the dead had holes in it, and it was simple to slide between the two.

Officer Romeo Rodriguez had a shopping bag the same as Precarious, and he read the gravestones. Beloved mothers, and cherished husbands. Babies. The Mackinack family, they all had the same date of death on their stones. There was a story there. He looked for the chiseled service records, stuck a flag in the soft ground. Romeo had been raised Catholic, so he crossed himself. He had not taken Communion since he’d been murdered, and he felt guilty about it; he had been raised Catholic.

Where are you fuckers? I came back, he thought. Where are all of you?

Flag for the sergeant, the petty officer, flag for the WACs and WAVEs. Flag for the Marines, hoorah the Corps, and Romeo planted them for the other, lesser, services. The fog had lifted, but he was still slightly blurry. He had not shined his boots because they would not take a shine. Tactical footwear. Mesh and formulated fabric and laces and gel in the soles. Not a drop of leather.

“Precarious?”

“Yo.”

“What’s a Hello Girl?”

“Oh, yeah. Louise Breton.”

“Yeah.”

Precarious had walked over to Romeo and now they stood at Louise Breton’s grave. Mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. 1897-1989. Hello Girl.

“World War I. We got in it in 1917, right?”

“Right.”

Romeo said “right” because he was good at reading vocal inflections, not because of his grasp of history. He knew that World War I came before World War II, but that was about it.

“Pershing. Blackjack Pershing. He said that wars were won by the side that communicated the best. At the time, France had their own way of running a telephone system. French got their own way of doing fucking everything. So he hires a bunch of girls to be switchboard operators. Connects the trenches to command.”

“Never heard about them.”

“Yeah. They were called the Hello Girls. Wore uniforms, got medals, and when the war ended, they got stiffed out of their benefits.”

“Welcome to the military.”

“Yup.”

Precarious took the north side of the graveyard and Romeo took the south; they’d meet in the middle, squabble, separate. Crosses, stars, crescents. Caduceus for a doctor named Proctor, Thalia and Melpomene for an actor named Shachter. Teachers and preachers and middlemen.

“Precarious?”

“Yo.”

“C’mere.”

He did. Romeo was standing in front of a tombstone that read “Otto Dasch – Nazi Spy, Beloved Father and Husband.”

“What the fuck?”

“Otto. Yeah. Funny story: Otto was a Nazi spy.”

“I got that. What the fuck?”

“Well, this was before my time, but I heard the story.”

“Who’d you hear it from?”

“You know Holly, Wood, and Vine? The lawyers? Holly told me.”

“Lawrence Holly? You knew him?”

The law school at Harper College was named after Lawrence Holly, and so was a mud wrestling club far on the Downside.

“Sure I knew him.”

“Why?”

Cop habits die hard, even after the cop is dead.

“He was my lawyer,” Precarious said.

“Why’d you need a lawyer?”

“I claim attorney-client privilege. And stop asking so many questions. I thought you wanted a story.”

“Now I don’t know which story I want to hear.”

Precarious reached under his black vest to the breast pocket of his shirt and took out a soft pack of Camels. He had worn his vest because it was a formal occasion. He had a suit and tie for funerals, but that was for people who had died. These people, Precarious figured, had not died. These fuckers were dead. They got the vest. He popped a smoke out of the pack by twitching his wrist and pulled it from the pack with his lips. Replaced the pack in the pocket. Zippo from the change pocket that lay within the right hip pocket of his Levi’s.

FFT.

PHWOO.

And the lighter slid back into his jeans.

“This was ’42? ’43? Before D-Day. Germans are pulling all sorts of bullshit. I suppose we were, too, but fuck ’em. There’s submarines off Long Island and all kinds of saboteur nonsense. Undercover agents. Real fifth column type stuff.”

“Sure.”

Romeo had no idea what a fifth column was.

“And Otto here? He got sent to Little Aleppo.”

“Why the fuck would you send a spy here?”

“Well, you know, the Nazis were a lot dumber than we make ’em out to be. They did lose the war.”

“Yup.”

“And according to the story I heard, Otto might have gotten lost or confused, See, he was the worst Nazi spy in the world. You know how con-men don’t do too well in Little Aleppo?”

“They do seem to get caught quick.”

“Yeah. And being a spy is just like being a con-man. And Otto was just awful at it. Thick accent. Shit, he even had the little mustache. Plus, he’d get drunk and straight-up admit to being a Nazi spy. Brag about it.”

Romeo turned to face Precarious and said,

“Why didn’t anyone turn him in?”

“Well, think about it. If they got rid of the terrible spy, then the Nazis might send one that knew what he was doing. Then you got all sorts of insecurity. Every new person that comes into the neighborhood, you start wondering if they’re a spy. Better to have a spy you could keep your eye on.”

“That makes no sense.”

“In addition to being a bad spy, Otto was also a bad Nazi. He took to America hard. Grew up on Hollywood and now here he was in California. Decided he wasn’t going back his first week here.”

“But he was still a spy,” Romeo said.

“Yeah, but more of an unofficial double-agent. Him and his buddies down at the Buntz Bierhaus would come up with outlandish stories to send back to Berlin. They’d try to figure out what would cause the most confusion. Told ’em we were training chimpanzees to jump out of planes. Gonna shoot ’em full of tuberculosis and drop ’em into city centers with open wounds and rifles. That story got all the way up to Himmler. There’s memos and everything. It’s fucking history.”

Romeo smiled.

“That’s kinda funny.”

“Funny as fuck. By ’44, the Cenotaph was running polls about what the next bullshit he should sen back would be. Otto became a bit of a local celebrity.”

“This fucking neighborhood.”

“Hey, who else had a honest-to-goodness Nazi spy? He made everyone feel a part of the war. Until he showed up, it was mostly profiteering and draft dodging.”

“There was no draft dodging in World War II.”

“There was in Little Aleppo.”

Precarious took one last drag off his cigarette PHWOO; he raised his left foot up to his right knee and brushed out the cherry on his heel. Crumpled the remainder into a little ball and shoved it in his back pocket.

“And after the war?”

“Otto settled in. Opened a shoe store. Collected butterflies. Married a black chick.”

“Black chick?”

“I told you: he was a bad Nazi.”

Romeo didn’t put a flag down for Otto Dasch, but Precarious did. The sun was higher in the sky now and from around the cemetery came work sounds. Crunching transmissions and the beepbeepbeep of reversing trucks and garment racks rolling along the sidewalk. In the southeast corner of Foole’s Yard, a gravedigger did just that with a Bobcat, The mechanized shovel pulled dirt from the ground with ease; the earth had no hold of its soil and it slipped away with no argument or protest, just the thrum of the diesel engine in the back of the ‘cat.

There is always a need for a fresh grave.

Marine and Soldier and Sailor and Airman and one or two Coasties. You get a flag, and you get a flag, and you get a flag. The Barkwith brothers, who fought for the Confederacy got flags. Precarious smirked as he stuck Old Glory at their feet. Korea and Vietnam. Various Middle Eastern locales. Hiram Creech was a Rough Rider. Veracruz and Nicaragua and Manila. Hawaii and Honduras. Cuba and China and Cambodia. You name it.

“Precarious.”

“Yo.”

“What does this mean?”

Precarious walked over to Romeo and read the tombstone of a man named Guy LeFaun. 1918-1944. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.

“It is sweet and proper to die for your country.”

The only noise in the cemetery was the Bobcat.

“I don’t know about that,” Romeo said.

“Yeah. Me, neither.”

They were out of flags and out of graves, so the ex-roadie and the ghost cop walked out of Foole’s Yard and back to the 1961 Lincoln Continental, triple black with suicide doors, and Precarious Lee glided the car away from the curb nice and smooth and none of the dead cared at all about Veteran’s Day in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Bank Shots In Little Aleppo

The First Bank of Little Aleppo was actually the fifth. The first one was a ledger and a safe behind the counter of Samperand’s Hardware. When the Wayside Fire took out half the neighborhood in ’71, including the hardware store, Old Man Samperand rebuilt on what was being called the Main Drag; it was the first brick building in Little Aleppo, and it stood as a beacon to commerce until 1902, when it got robbed.

“Calvin?”

“Yes, Toby?”

“Wasn’t the bank right there?”

“I guess someone robbed it.”

Old Man Samperand rebuilt once again, and bigger. Walnut and marble and carpets the precise color and thickness of Christmas pudding. Artists from Back East painted a mural along the walls of angels representing all the different loopholes in the Biblical proscription against usury. The pens were attached to the tables by sterling silver chain. Most importantly, the building was far heavier than the previous iteration. Let’s see ’em steal this one, Samperand said, and it must have been a good strategy, because when he died in 1922, the bank had not moved one inch. Old Man Samperand left the place to his 28-year-old son, Oldman.

Oldman Samperand was a prim little man who parted his hair in the middle and slicked it down with Dapper Dan pomade; he had elaborate and exacting opinions on life, business, and clothing. Reputation is paramount, he lectured his employees, some of whom had been working there long enough to remember when he was a prim little boy. A banker must appear trustworthy, Oldman preached, which is why he would not open accounts for, or lend to, minorities. You never know what people will think if they see you doing business with those sorts, he said. He had a good idea what people would say if they saw him doing business with rumrunners and bootleggers, so he did it at night. Prohibition was a swell time for the First Bank, but Oldman made more off the speculation fever that had taken hold of Little Aleppo. He did not invest in the stock market–he derided it a “peculiarly Jewish racket”–but he was glad to lend you the money to do so. Oldman specialized in small loans with high interest, paid weekly and in cash. When the crash came, he had socked away so much in reserve that could deal with the bank run. Everyone who wanted to withdraw their savings was given the whole sum in greenbacks. After a few dozen withdrawals, locals realized that the bank wasn’t going to run out of money and stopped trying to make the bank run out of money.

The Depression was even more profitable for the First Bank than Prohibition was. Most of the New Deal money didn’t come directly from the Feds: they just guaranteed the loans that local banks made, and holy shit did the First Bank make a lot of loans once they became fully insured; some were even to people that existed. Oldman bought up the Segovian Hills, piece by piece, as the Works Program sliced roadways through the chaparral. He was becoming a very rich man, but no amount of money could save the (third) First Bank of Little Aleppo from World War II.

The after-action report regarding the events of June 2nd, 1942, lists several failures but does not place fault as no one could find anyone to blame. While there is no doubt that installing a howitzer next to the anti-aircraft guns set up at the harbor to repel possible Japanese invasion was a mistake, it could not be determined who authorized the cannon’s placement. Nor was it ever ascertained where the howitzer came from, as all of the serial numbers and identifying markings had been filed off. Similarly, the name of the person who fired the weapon that night was never discovered, let alone the circumstances that came to see the barrel of the gun point towards the Main Drag instead of out to sea. The First Bank was hit three times and the walls caved in. Oldman Samperand rebuilt, and went to his grave four years later believing it was the Japanese who had destroyed his bank. His only child was named Sprout, and she took over.

Sprout Samperand changed the First Bank’s policies. She was a forward-thinker and a progressive, not like her father. Of course she would lend to minorities, as long as they were buying homes or opening businesses in the right part of the neighborhood. Certain people belonged in certain places. Sprout was 52 years old in 1968, and a brand-new grandmother, which was bothering her. She was a young woman. Not a grandmother–certain people are grandmothers, not her–and so she was looking for new friends, young friends, and she found them. People with money can always find new friends. Friends you find with money are rarely the friends you want. Sprout’s new set was much younger than her, and they fed her acid and sang about the Revolution.

No one ever talks about the Revolution, just songs and lectures.

The Cenotaph said that Sprout Samparand had been brainwashed, hypnotized, taken in: she was a pillar of the community until those damnable hippies got their hooks in her and whispered lies into her ear. Sprout was tricked! Yes, that was it: Sprout was hornswoggled by those kids. Maybe they took off their shirts and showed her their nipples. Or slipped drugs into her booze. There was a scenario in which the First Bank of Little Aleppo’s destruction by half-assed bomb was not Sprout’s fault, and the neighborhood’s establishment would find it if it killed them.

The bomb was meant for Town Hall. It was to set off the Revolution. Didn’t you hear the songs, the lectures?

With Sprout gone, the twins took over. Manticore and Tim. Manticore was pissed that she was named Manticore, and Tim was crazy as a Bolivian soccer riot; neither came out of their offices that much, leaving Seymour Golden to manage the day-to-day operations.

“Doesn’t Little Aleppo have enough bars?”

“That’s subjective. It does have one fewer than it did rather recently. So, I wouldn’t be adding a bar to the neighborhood, just replacing the lost one,” Lower Montana said.

Mr. Golden had a shiny bald head and a gray three-piece suit. Three piece-suits are contronymic garments: they are worn only by men admired for their seriousness or appreciated for their silliness. No one wears a three-piece suit by accident or default. It is an outfit of intention, a statement. Behind every three-piece suit is a chain of decisions. His shirt was light-blue with a spotless white spread collar, and his dark-blue tie had a full Windsor knot, which complemented his thin and horsey face.

“You’re in the bar business, Ms. Montana?”

“No, I’m an assistant professor at Harper College.”

“Business? Economics? Restaurant management?”

“History.”

“But you’ve owned businesses before?”

“When I was an undergrad, I sold pot. Does that count?”

Lower laughed, but she was the only one. Flower Childs stared straight ahead and blinked slowly. The two women were sitting in green leather chairs with backs that swooped around their shoulders. The padding had buttons dimpled into it, and the arms had metal rivets marching in between the leather and the wood. Mr. Golden did not smile even out of courtesy, and he adjusted his reading glasses and scanned the business proposal in his hand.

“Police department could have made some progress if you had turned over those notes sooner,” he said.

The expression on Flower’s face did not change. She had walked over from the station on Alfalfa Street and had her walkie-talkie clipped onto the hip of her blue khakis.

“Police department couldn’t find their own dicks with a metal detector,” she said.

Lower Montana smiled too wide and blinked slowly. Mr. Golden flicked a page back and drew a long line with his pencil. Then he read for a moment. Then, another long line.

“You own the rights to the name?”

“The name?”

“The Wayside Inn,” Mr. Golden said.”

“You don’t need the rights to that name. A billion bars are named that.”

“Whaddya mean, a panther?”

“A motherfucking panther, Pedro. The fucking cat in a fucking tree is a motherfucking panther, you asshole.”

Flower was on-duty, and so had to keep her walkie-talkie on, and now it crackled with two male voices, one of whom was far less frazzled than the other, probably because he wasn’t standing in a yard on Fournier Way brandishing an axe at a hissing panther ten feet above him in a tree.

The cops took people to jail, and the paramedics took people to St,. Agatha’s, and the firemen did everything else. All the uncategorizable calls, the weird shit, the fuckers who got themselves jammed into playground equipment. Or cars. People got jammed in cars sometimes. The LAFD got called when children or old folks wandered off. They had saved the universe once, but by accident and they were unaware of their achievement.

And they got cats out of trees, although most of the time the cats were not cats. Ten-year-olds, more often. A ten-year-old is at the right power/weight ratio to climb the fuck out of a tree, but a ten-year-old is also ten years old and so will look down from that tree’s upper branches and freeze in fear. Dogs, sometimes, usually boxers; they would tremble as the straps went around their chest and picked up and hoisted over a shoulder and humped back down the ladder. The firemen had noticed that they never had to rescue the same dog twice, but kids were repeat offenders.

But this was a fucking panther. Dwayne McGlory had seen panthers before, and that was a panther ten feet above him and hissing. He had his axe in one hand and his walkie-talkie in the other.

“It’s a motherfucking black panther, Pedro.”

Pedro’s voice crackled back,

“Can’t be.”

“I am gonna beat your ass when I get back there. I’m looking at a fucking panther.”

“There’s no panthers in Little Aleppo, McGlory. It’s just a big cat, you big baby.”

It wasn’t. It was a panther.

“It isn’t! It’s a fucking panther!”

The animal drew back its lips and snarled at Dwayne McGlory, who did not like cats of any size. Cats were for weirdos and loners and drunks and monks. They had no point, he would say loudly so everyone could hear him and wouldn’t realize that he had been afraid of cats ever since one had attacked him as a child.

“Well, where did it come from?”

“I dunno! Did you call the fucking zoo?”

There was silence on the walkie-talkie.

“Lemme get right back to you.”

“You fucking do that.”

And now there was silence in Mr. Golden’s office in the First Bank of Little Aleppo. He said,

“Do you need to take that call?”

Lower Montana had her head in her hand, and Flower Childs said,

“They can handle it.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, and then nothing, just stared at the papers in front of him. Outside, there were men depositing checks and women making withdrawals, and tellers behind a thick counter made of mahogany wood. A line had formed for the Coin-o-tron: you dumped your change into the metal funnel and it clinkclinkclanked down to the hopper and all the hidden gizmodic intestines within; when it finished counting, a receipt would shoot out of the slot and you could redeem it for cash. Or you could slide it back into the machine for a chance at the progressive jackpot, which flashed on a tote board above the Coin-o-tron in bright yellow letters. The carpet was thicker than peanut butter and the windows were so clean you could see through them. The First Bank of Little Aleppo was solid and everlasting and secure and would be there forever, even though it burned down and blown up four times previous.

“Now, Ms. Montana–”

“She’s a PhD.  Doctor Montana,” Flower said.

Mr. Golden smiled with just his lips.

“Dr. Montana.”

“You can call me Lower.”

“Dr. Montana, you have listed as your collateral a house on Alfalfa Street.”

“Yes.”

“But you do not own the house.”

“Technically, no. Flower–uh, Chief Childs–owns the house. It’s in her name. Technically.”

“Uh-huh. But the loan would be to you?”

“Yes.”

Mr. Golden removed his reading glasses, folded in the arms, placed them in his breast pocket. Set the business proposal down on the green blotter atop the desk. Interlaced his fingers in front of his chest and blew out air.

“Well,” he said, “that will be a problem. You see–”

The walkie-talkie snapped back to life.

“The zoo has lost a panther.”

“Those motherfuckers couldn’t keep shit in a toilet!”

“The keepers are on their way to your location with a tranq gun,” Pedro said.

“I swear the cages at that fucking place have revolving doors!”

“Chief,” Mr. Golden said. “Are you sure you don’t need to take care of this?”

“I have the utmost faith in my men, Mr. Golden,” she said.

He cleared his throat and looked Lower Montana in the eyes.

“Ma’am, the problem is that you–you–have no equity in the home you’re offering up for collateral. It is Chief Childs’ property. You two are…roommates?”

Lower Montana nodded her head and smiled; Flower Childs stared at the banker.

“So,” he continued,” I could–perhaps–authorize this loan to Chief Childs, but not to you. You see–”

“It’s our house,” Flower stated. “It’s both of ours.”

“Not legally,” Mr. Golden answered. “Not on paper. Legally, on paper, it belongs to you, Chief. If you’d like to put your name on the application, then we might start over, but with only Ms.–excuse me, Doctor–Montana’s name on the loan, it is not feasible.”

Lower Montana still had a gladhanding smile on her face; she still believed in the benevolence of faceless institutions even after coming face-to-face with so many of them. Flower Childs had no faith in faceless institutions, mostly because she worked for one, and she was not smiling at all at the horse-faced cocksucker across the pretentious desk from her, and his face became that of Lower’s father blacking her eye and tossing her out and Branny Dade with her fucking signs and everyone else that had ever hurt her friends. Flower was 6’1″ and 200 pounds by the time she was 13, and so people did not talk shit to her but for some reason felt free to talk shit to everyone she had ever loved.

People only talk as much shit as you let them.

“Seymour,” she said.

Lower muttered, “Shit,” under her breath; she recognized this tone of voice. It meant they were leaving.

“Take your loan. And your bank. And your ugly fucking suit. And shove ’em up your ass.”

Flower Childs stood up using just her thighs. Lower Montana pushed herself out of her chair with her arms.

“A panther?”

“Apparently,” Lower Montana said, and handed the joint back to Steppy Alouette. Steppy’s house on Pharaoh Lane was loaded with art, some you’d recognize: that skinny Dutch fellow who went crazy, and the Spanish one who fucked too much and saw through time, and a few Americans, too. Americans didn’t know what to do with color, Steppy thought. Too much or too little, always. Sculptures and objets and enough Tiffany lamps to light up the Albert Hall. Steppy and Lower were in the sitting room.

They were sitting.

“Is a panther bigger than a leopard?”

“I don’t know,” Lower said. “It’s less South American. I know that. Far less.”

Steppy’s left eye was shot–there’s only so much cataract surgery one eyeball can take–and so were her hips. Too much dancing at the Wayside Inn. Worth it, she thought. That one night–was it ’78 or ’83?–when the floor rose up to catch her feet and everyone she ever loved was there, and the music was far too goddamned loud; Manfred Pierce had leapt over the bar to do his moves. His move. Manfred only had one move, this swimming motion to the left and right, and every regular at the Wayside could do an imitation of it, but on this night–on that one night–he was caught up in the fresculated spotlight of the mirror ball, checkered against his cheek, and he was graceful and beautiful just like all of us, and that night–that one night, that one moment–it came back to Steppy two or three times a day and she tried to live in the memory but could not, Her hips were shot and so was her left eye, and she did not leave her house full of art on Pharaoh Lane much lately.

They were sitting on a Gropius couch. Off-white leather. Steppy waved the joint in front of her until Lower took it from her.

“She told Golden to fuck himself?”

“In so many words,” Lower said.

“Good. That prick’s good for paperwork and not much else. You should have come to me first.”

Steppy Alouette’s family made its money in furs 200 years ago, and then in sugar 150 years ago, and then in coffee and steel 100 years ago. The Alouette fortune was solid and everlasting and secure and would be there forever, and had never burned down or blown up.

“You’ve done enough,” Lower said.

“Bullshit. When I’m dead, I’ve done enough.”

Lower was right. Steppy had sponsored most of the runaways and castaways that came through the Wayside over the years. Deposits on apartments, tuitions, plane tickets home. Walking-around money. All the mongrels and mutts, they had an angel at the Wayside. Steppy got taken a few times by con-men. She didn’t care; she got a story out of it. Rather get conned a million times than turn away one scholar, one entrepreneur, one drunk. Steppy Alouette was a soft touch, and she reached out and took Lower Montana’s hand and said,

“How much?”

And Lower told her, and Steppy said that was fine. There used to be a Wayside Inn, and there would be a Wayside Inn again, a place that would take you in when no one else would, a place with a mirror ball and bathrooms full of mystery and a sprung dance floor that bobbed up and down in time with the music while outside, on Sylvester Street, the respectable folks went about their business in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Trick Or Treat In Little Aleppo

It was fall in Little Aleppo, and the evergreens had remained so. Transplants from Back East bored their friends and relatives with stories of leaf-piles two stories high. O, the smell of fall! they all droned on: bracing and brisk and honest, like your nostrils were taking a cold shower. Let me describe the sound of two-day dry leaves crackling underfoot, the transplants begged. How I miss the seasons, the transplants shouted at anyone in range; how I pine for the maples. Natives didn’t quite understand what was so exciting about watching trees die, and also noticed that the transplants never moved back to where there were seasons. Little Aleppo didn’t have seasons. It neither scorched in the summer, nor froze in the winter;  just a mellow, yearlong undulation between short-sleeves and a light jacket.

But fall still had its powers, though it didn’t exist. Americans know the year begins in September. They blow shit up in January, but they were taught since the age of six that the year begins in September. This is a thing all Americans know: the year begins in September, ends in June, and July and August don’t count. Fall had its powers.

And fall had Halloween, and Little Aleppo loved Halloween. It was, in locals’ estimation, the best possible holiday. It was neither religious nor nationalistic, so there was no guilt involved. Christmas was a pain in the ass and expensive; Thanksgiving meant seeing your family, or not seeing your family (whichever was more depressing); the Fourth of July scared dogs; New Year’s Eve had its tedious pressures. But Halloween was a party. It was candy and tits and drugs–the good drugs, the ones you’d been saving–and a parade. Halloween was a tautology: you dressed up on Halloween because Halloween is the night when we dress up and dance. Who knew about Samhain? Who remembered All Hallow’s Eve? Who still honors the Allhallowtide? It was a tradition without any history, and Little Aleppo appreciated the irony.

By law, the Halloween Season started on October 15th. Residents caught setting up prop tombstones on their lawns or hanging phony skeletons from their trees before that were subject to fines or a swift ass-kicking. Holidays needed boundaries, locals thought, and two weeks of anything was more than enough. But on the 15th, the pumpkins bloomed. Several competing patches were hastily erected and peopled with fruit, most of it pumpkin.

“This is a watermelon.”

“Lady, that’s a pumpkin.”

“You painted it orange. It’s a watermelon.”

“Smell it.”

Tiresias Richardson blinked slowly at Holiday Ray. Ray owned–or rented or squatted on; it was never quite clear–a quarter acre lot on Mint Avenue, which ran parallel to the Main Drag and also happened to be in between Tiresias’ apartment and her job at the KSOS teevee studio. She had meant to wake up earlier and visit one of the more reputable pumpkin patches, but she was hungover and late and waiting on a pill to kick in and goddammit there was a rip in her white canvas sneaker, the right one, where the sidewall met the sole, and the sun was setting and there was still the dress to get into and maybe she should write a joke or two, and now she was holding a watermelon which had been painted orange.

“I don’t need to smell it, Ray.”

“You’re afraid of what the scent will tell you.”

“It’s a painted watermelon.”

Holiday Ray sold fireworks on the 4th of July (and year-round, too, but he put a sign up on the 4th). He had trees lining the lot in December, and roses in February. Ray covered all the holidays. Flags for Flag Day, and French ones for Bastille Day. He is ecumenical, as well: tinned hams and crucifixes for Easter, breath mints and toboggans for the Feast of Narg’raham, no sandwiches at all for Ramadan.

In the days leading up to Rosh Hashanah, Holiday Ray sold as-seen-on-teevee gadgets. Combination backscratcher/remote controls, devices that made one very specific kitchen task very slightly more efficient, towels with the absorbing properties of larger towels, those sorts of things. Ray had no idea what to sell for Rosh Hashanah his first year on his lot, but he had recently come into possession of half-a-truckload of cheap gizmos, and so he figured that problem solved itself. He set out his wares, and hoisted the sign. It said DON’T “ROSH” ON BY! in spray-painted stencil, with a hand-drawn Star of David next to it that was not perfect, but not risible.

He hoped it would not offend.

Two Jews walked by. They looked the lot over, Jewishly. Shrugged, kept walking.

Holiday Ray exhaled. Later on, one of the Jews would swing back and buy a product called Mop Like No One’s Watching, which was a headlight for your mop. The rest of the Jewish community paid Ray’s collection of geegaws little or no attention, but–since he couldn’t come up with anything better to sell for Rosh Hashanah–over not too many years, Jews started to associate as-seen-on-teevee gadgets with the New Year, and now it is a full-blown tradition to exchange doohickeys with your friends and family. When Jews raised in Little Aleppo spend their first Rosh Hashanah out of the neighborhood, they are always confused when no one gives anyone an ab exerciser.

But not Thanksgiving. Holiday Ray disappeared a week or so before and stayed gone until Monday or Tuesday of the next week, when he’d put out the trees. Bad feelings still lingered about Thanksgiving and Ray. His first year–not long after his Rosh Hashanah triumph–Ray puzzled over what to stock for Thanksgiving. Nobody waved flags, or shot off bottle rockets, they just ate turkey. And so he considered that problem solved. Ray called the guy who got him the as-seen-on-teevee gadgets and asked for half-a-truckload of frozen turkeys and some freezers. Coincidentally, the as-seen-on-teevee gadget guy was also a frozen turkey and freezer guy. He was a hell of a guy.

Ray had been selling turkeys for around an hour when the health inspector tackled him, and held him to the ground so the rep from the supermarket workers’ union could punch him for a while.

“Stay out of the frozen turkey racket,” they told him.

That burned in him. I am a man, Ray thought. I forge my own destiny. This is my lot, and that’s my RV, and I sell holiday-themed shit. I got a destiny. And Ray thought it about it all year until, with Thanksgiving approaching, he realized that there was wiggle room in a ban on selling “frozen turkeys.” He called his guy, who was not a live turkey guy, but did know a corrupt farmer. He set up a meeting, and though Ray thought it odd that a farmer would take a meeting in a bar at two am, he kept those thoughts to himself. A hundred plump birds. Cages, too. The deal was made, and they did a line to celebrate.

There is an old Bulgarian saying: “If the man you’re doing lines at two am with tells you he’s a farmer, then that man is probably lying.” Unfortunately, Holiday Ray was not Bulgarian. He was Swiss-Syrian with a little Irish mixed in, and none of those countries have any sayings about turkey farmers at all, let alone ones that would have helped in this specific instance.

When the turkeys arrived, they were not the plump birds he had been promised. The turkeys were lean and sinewy and made no sound as they were unloaded from the truck to Ray’s lot. The turkeys stared at him. Before he could argue, the truck and its driver were gone and the turkeys stared at him. The metal that made up the cages was thin and closed with a basic latch. Pull the pin up and the door opens. It was quiet all up and down Mint Avenue and the turkeys made no sound, not a gobble. Their cages were arranged in rows. Ray was in the middle. It was quiet on Mint Avenue, and so he could hear a basic latch opening behind him. Pull the pin up and the door opens. Ray spun around, but the bird was already on top of him.

He woke up in St. Agatha’s. The first one had let the rest out. Their assault was vicious; worse, it was organized. Ambushes and flanking maneuvers. The head of the ornithology department at Harper College declared that turkeys were incapable of acting that way, and then the turkeys leapt out of nowhere and pecked him right in the dick. A splinter group of the flock decamped to the Verdance and initiated hostilities with the swans who live in Bell Lake. The turkeys evaded capture for weeks while harassing children and pedestrians, attempting to push the elderly down stairs, and starting a full-on brawl with the Paul Bunyan High School (Go Blue Oxen!) marching band.

But Holiday Ray was their first victim. Late at night, he would recall the taste of the birds’ feathers as they beat him with their more-powerful-than-you’d-think wings. Turkeys do not taste like turkey, he remembers thinking. That is the last thing he remembers before they swarmed him.

So Ray closed the lot every year for Thanksgiving. Too many bad memories.

“It’s a painted watermelon, Ray.”

But this was Halloween, and Holiday Ray had merchandise to move out the door. (Metaphorically. The lot did not have a door on account of it being a lot.)

“Pumpkin. Big sucker, too.”

Tiresias flecked off some of the paint with her fingernail. The green rind showed through.

“And what about that?”

“Not ripe yet. Pumpkin meat is green until it ripens. Much like the avocado.”

“Absolutely none of that is true,” she said and shoved the melon into his arms. “I need a pumpkin. A real pumpkin.”

Ray gestured around at the ground. It was covered in hay with pathways carved into it; it looked just like a pumpkin patch, it you squinted or were far away.

“There’s pumpkins everywhere.”

Tiresias leaned over, and plucked something orange off a pile of hay.

“These are bananas, Ray.”

They had been painted orange.

“Pumpkin. Fit for carving. You could make a pie.”

“Goddammit, go behind that hovel of a RV and get me one of the real pumpkins you have squirreled away.”

Tiresias’ dressing room had a Jewish star on it just like Holiday Ray’s Rosh Hashanah sign did, but hers was accidental; her cameraman, whom she referred to on-air as Bruiser, was trying to be nice and buy her a star for her door but he wasn’t paying attention and got one with six points instead of five. Tiresias thought it was funny, and she christened the dressing room Masada. She lay on the raggedy blue couch in her robe; Big-Dicked Sheila sat cross-legged on the floor with a pumpkin in front of her. That day’s Cenotaph was spread out under her, and she had a scalpel in her left hand. A watermelon, painted orange, sat on Tiresias’ makeup counter with an upside-down bottle of Lubyanka vodka sticking out of the top.

“We need more Halloween shit than this, Tirry.”

“My co-stars are already a skeleton and a bat. How much more Halloween can I get? AAAAHahaha!”

She was right. Tiresias was the Horror Host in Little Aleppo, and as Draculette she kept Halloween in her heart all the year round. She was the Mistress of the Macabre, the Doyenne of Dread, the Nightingale of the Scary and Pale. (Although not quite pale enough: she had been to the beach one time–once!–during the summer and popped out in freckles all over her nose and shoulders and chest; she covered them up with foundation. The freckle is the least spooky blemish. Scars, moles, great splotchy port-wine stains: these can all be made frightening. Not freckles. Tiresias had been playing Draculette for almost a year now, and still had no clue whether she was a vampire or a witch, but she did know that neither archetype had freckles.) A Horror Host on Halloween was like a drunk on New Year’s Eve: a professional surrounded by amateurs.

“How about a bubbling cauldron?”

“There’s no ventilation in the studio, Sheel. We’ll die.”

“Visit from the Great Pumpkin?”

“That’s worse. We’ll get sued. AAAAHahaha!”

Sheila had her legs splayed out in a V and the pumpkin was in between them. She had her glasses on, and her tongue stuck out just a bit as she concentrated on her carving. (This is not uncommon: many people stick their tongues out when they’re focused. Both the evolutionary psychology and neuroccultopathic departments at Harper College agree that this is because we are descended from snakes; professors from the evolutionary psychology and neuroccultopathic departments are rarely invited to parties and sit by themselves in the faculty dining room.) Her shoes were off, and when she came to a tricky part, her toes splayed out like they were stretching.

“Is Gussy getting me a scary movie?”

“I haven’t asked her,” Sheila said. “She’s got a lot on her mind.”

“She still sleeping at the theater?”

“Not since Precarious installed the shutters.”

Augusta O. Incandescente-Ponui, whom everyone called Gussy owned The Tahitian theater, which was the oldest movie theater in Little Aleppo; it was also the only movie theater in Little Aleppo, but that shouldn’t detract from the first superlative. Silent one-reelers interspersed with vaudeville acts, then talkies, then epics, then newsreels, then color, then blockbusters, then B-movies, then porn, then closed. Gussy brought her back to life after her father let her die, and now the theater was hers just like her nose: a hand-me-down from her ancestors that she had grown quite attached to. The Depression had not killed The Tahitian, nor had radio or teevee. Even her asshole father couldn’t kill the old girl, not for good, and she’d be goddamned if she’d let some firebug cocksucker burn her down. The back door and the service door and the fire exits were all made of metal, deadbolts, alarms. The door to the roof had been chained shut. But the lobby was a problem. A solid wall of glass interrupted by handles and panels that said “Pull” and faced the Main Drag. Soft target, Gussy thought. She had Julio Montez, a teenager who worked at the theater, drag the couch from her office into the lobby after the audience had left and the projector was out of stories to tell. Gussy fell in and out of sleep right in front of the glass doors for a few nights.

She didn’t get much rest.

GUSSY.

She jammed her eyes closed and pretended not to hear The Tahitian’s sound system talking to her.

GUSSY.

“I’m dead asleep.”

YOU ARE NOT.

The theater’s PA used to belong to a semi-defunct, choogly-type band; it was the most advanced sound system in the world. So advanced that it had a name: the Wall of Sound. So advanced that, very soon after coming online, it became sentient and rapidly began upgrading its processing capacity to the point where it was the most powerful computer on the planet.  The computer science department at Harper College, after examining the source code of the Wall of Sound, all switched majors. It was, however, in the physical form of a 75-ton sound system, and so some years after its tenure with the group, Precarious installed it into The Tahitian. Gussy got a sound system, Precarious’ organization got to stop paying storage fees: everyone was happy.

GUSSY.

“Fuck off, Wally.”

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Gussy was not happy. She was camped out on a scratchy couch under a thin blanket in a movie theater lobby. The middle of the night has its occupants, and they wandered and swayed past the glass front doors of The Tahitian, and some of them looked in to the darkened, high-ceiling space and see her there. Three men and one woman pressed their buttocks against the panes; Gussy washed the sweaty dual ovals off in the morning. She could be in her California Ultra-King bed holding on to Sheila–they had been spending most nights together–but instead she was squatting in her own theater with an eye out for an arsonist.

GUSSY.

And she was arguing with her sound system.

“What!?”

I ONLY REQUIRE TWO WEAPONS. SOUTHEAST CORNER AND NORTHWEST CORNER. LET ME DEFEND THE BUILDING.

“Stop it!”

I HAVE DRAWN UP BLUEPRINTS FOR THE RIFLE MOUNTS. THEY SWIVEL. PRECARIOUS CAN BUILD THEM.

“Fine.”

NON-LETHAL AMMUNITION IS A POSSIBILITY, THOUGH I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT.

“I’ll talk to Precarious in the morning.”

YOU PROMISE?

“Yes! Now shut the fuck up!”

I WILL BE GLORIOUS.

Gussy found Precarious at the Victory Diner mixing his eggs and ketchup together with a piece of white toast. That afternoon, he pulled up and double-parked his van and installed a complete set of storm shutters. Not the grated ones, the solid aluminum that pawn shops used; they rolled up and down smoothly but with a roar and found their berth KUHCHONK. When he was finished working, Gussy asked him to stick around for the movie, but it was what Precarious called artsy-fartsy and he left. Julio had been helping, and he and Gussy walked back into the theater.

YOU LIED TO ME.

Gussy put her hand on her chest and feign surprise.

“Moi? I said I’d talk to Precarious.”

THIS IS NOT GLORIOUS. I WANT MACHINE GUNS MOUNTED ON THE EXTERIOR OF THE BUILDING.

“No machine guns.”

THEY WERE GOING TO SWIVEL.

“No machine guns.”

That night, Gussy slammed the shutters down and walked away from The Tahitian, and its chatty supercomputer, but she did not go home. Sheila’s apartment was over her shop on the other side of the Main Drag. Gussy got up during the night to poke her head out the front window and look north and make sure her theater was still there.

“I’m considering drugging her.”

“Don’t drug people.”

Sheila put down the scalpel and leaned back on both hands. She had orange goop under her fingernails.

“It’s for her own good.”

“That’s what everybody who drugs people says.”

“The woman needs her sleep. Tirry, you know my problem is that I love too much.”

“Everyone knows that’s your problem. AAAAHahaha!”

“When I see my loved ones in need, I’m forced to act. Remember when you called me and said that we needed vodka? What did I do?”

“You brought vodka.”

“And now I see that Gussy needs her sleep. So I’m gonna drug her.”

“The thread of your argument falls apart in that last little bit. Don’t drug Gussy. Speaking of vodka, let’s slice that orange fucker up.”

When Sheila got up, Tiresias could see the pumpkin she’d been working on. It was Draculette and she was glorious: giant wig and eyeliner and far more cleavage than most gourds can properly handle.

“Sheel, that’s fucking beautiful.”

Sheila smiled as she cut into the orange vodkamelon, and her eyes disappeared into happy little slits.

“Thank you. You like it?”

“It’s awesome. You really captured my tits.”

The women ate their alcohol-laced fruit until it was time for Tiresias to get into the Draculette dress.

BahRUMBUM RUMBUM Baaaaaaaah RUMBUM the Blue Oxen marching band set off down the Main Drag. They had mustered in front of Town Hall at 8, unhappily and loudly, BRAAPing their trombones and tubas at one another, flamming and paradiddling in the otherwise quiet Saturday morning. Several shouted threats later, the band director Mr. Schmaus confiscated all the drumsticks. He gave them back when the drummers were in their position at the front of the line. Four abreast, the snares first and then the quads and cymbals and bass drums. The trumpets came next, then the lower brass. Woodwinds rode the caboose, and the girls in the Color Guard were on the outside with their boots and batons; some of them could march and twirl at the same time, and others couldn’t. The locals on the sidewalk didn’t mind. The Halloween Parade was a loose affair. It was for the kids.

There were, of course, two Halloweens in Little Aleppo. One was made of plastic masks with flimsy rubber strings holding them on, and pillowcases of miniature candy peppered with raisins from the houses that would later be covered in toilet paper, roving bands of tiny superheros and astronauts and ballerinas careening in and out of the street. The other Halloween was on acid and usually turned into an orgy around two am. Something for the kids, and something for the adults.

The kids marched in the parade behind the band. They stumbled and tripped over their capes and waved to everyone and no one in particular. Look there, that’s the fellow with the armored suit; I think she’s from that space movie.  There were multiple children with entirely–too-elaborate get-ups that their hobbyist parents had been working on since June, including the six-year-old in the suit the lady wore when she fought the alien in the space movie that’s not the first space movie. (Her father was persuaded to disconnect the wrist-mounted flamethrower after two or three blocks.) Several were dressed as Mister Hamburger. The crowd lining the sidewalks cheered them all on equally. Grown-ups marched, too, but the crowd would throw things if their costume sucked.

Harry and Capolina Gardner lived on Bailey Street in a one-bedroom cottage, and Bailey Street is in what Little Aleppo developers call BeUp, which is an ugly mashing of Below and Upside, and what realtors refer to as Upside-adjacent. Both of those terms mean that Bailey is not on the Upside, but you could see it from there. Technically, the street was just as far from the Downside as it was from the Upside, but no one mentioned that.

Bailey crosses the Main Drag, so Harry and Capolina walked to the intersection to watch the parade. Kids who had overslept sprinted by them to get in on the parading before there was no more parading to be done. One was a spooky ghost in a bedsheet with holes cut out, little son of a bitch, and he ran flat-out into a mailbox. Capolina helped the boy up; he ran off like a wild animal let loose from a trap. A child on Halloween is virtually invulnerable to any physical insult that is not an upset stomach.

Harry was trying not to laugh.

“He could have hurt himself Stop that,” She said.

“It was the sound that got me. WHONG.”

“He hit that thing hard.”

They held hands and passed Mr. Teitelbaum on the sidewalk. It was a cool morning. The sky had bobbins of white, fluffy puffs, moseying across it. At their own pace. And as they drift, their faces change and they melt into themselves and become something else that is made of the same stuff. They passed a pretzel vendor. The storefronts were orange and black and full of plastic skeletons and styrofoam tombstones. They passed Mrs. Teitelbaum.

It was a cool morning, so Capolina had a denim jacket over her light blue scrubs. Her shift at St. Agatha’s started in an hour, and everyone was encouraged to come in costume. (Within reason. For example, it was wrong of Dr. Cho to dress up as the Grim Reaper that year, especially since he’s an oncologist. The surgeons also had to be spoken to, as they became competitive in their costuming and started showing up in bespoke mech suits and it’s tough to perform all but the most basic of surgeries that way.) The cardiology nurses did a group deal each year–all the characters from a movie or the different roles of an actor–and the rest of the staff tried to avoid the cardiology nurses. Capolina worked in the ER, and the urge to dress up was obviated by the possible need to tackle a drunk or intubate a man who’d been impaled by a haddock. But a little makeup and some wolf ears wouldn’t hurt.

“That’s not funny,” Harry said when she came out of the bathroom that morning.

“I don’t complain when you change into a werewolf.”

“You’re mocking me.”

He was standing on the other side of their bed, so she walked across it on her knees and kissed him, but lightly because it she just spent a half-hour doing her makeup.

“I’m honoring you, baby.”

She kissed him again.

“No one will know. It’ll be our little secret. We’ll go to the parade.”

And again.

“And everyone will see me in my werewolf makeup and no one will know. We’ll have a little secret.”

Once more for punctuation, and Harry saw her side of the argument.

“Did I do the makeup  good?”

“I knew you were a werewolf right away.”

“Yeah, but you’re biased.”

The Santa Maria was across the street; they had opened early and pumped up their ovens, shoving the doughy smell out onto the Main Drag, and people who did not plan to have pizza at ten in the morning did. Triangle Billiards was next to the Santa Maria, but it had not opened early. Grandparents looked for the children that belonged to them.

“We should steal one,” she said.

“We don’t have to. I have cash. Why didn’t you tell me you wanted a pretzel?”

“Not a pretzel, a kid,”

“I don’t have enough cash for a kid. Not a kid you’d want.”

“They’re free if you steal them. That’s why I said we should steal one.”

They clapped and yelled “WOO” at the children.

“Right, but then after you steal them, you have to feed them.”

“Not every day,” Capolina said.

“No, no. Every single day.”

“I’ve heard different.”

A spotty river of snotty kids walked by, the marching band fading off to their left.

“I want a kid.”

“Cap, not here.”

A 1961 Lincoln Continental drove by at four miles an hour. The top was down and Draculette was perched up on the trunk like an astronaut in a ticker-tape parade; she was waving and blowing kisses to the crowd while Sheila clutched onto her legs and tried to keep her from sliding off the car onto the blacktop. Precarious had been exuberant with the wax and car’s surface was slick than a hockey rink made of frozen lube. Every couple hundred feet, he jerked the wheel a little and she would skitter half off the car as Sheila anchored her down. Precarious would give her this: she was a pro. Never stopped smiling and waving, even as she hissed at him.

“You did this on purpose!”

“I didn’t. It’s funny, though.”

And he jerked the wheel again. Sheila kicked at the back of his seat. She loved Tiresias, but she wasn’t her sidekick. (Sheila had, on occasions when she thought she wasn’t getting enough attention, pulled out her dick and yelled “This banana does not play second banana!” That move had made her some good friends, actually.) Squiring her around in her movement-inhibiting Draculette dress was fine, but she wasn’t going to going to cavort about as some sort of evil elf, so Sheila was dressed as Billie Jean King. It was either her or Florence Nightingale, but she thought her ass looked better in tennis whites than in nurse’s whites. It turned out not to matter, as whenever she was standing next to Draculette that whole day, everyone said, “Ooh, you’re an evil tennis player.”

It wasn’t anything she couldn’t put up with, especially since Tiresias had started paying her. Draculette had been doing a lot of local commercials, and half the time that she told the audience that she’d be right back, she actually was. Rama-Tut paid top dollar for a three-minute live spot during the Late Show. It was an Egyptian place on Lakeview Street that puts its reviews in the window. Selected quotes read “This is not Egyptian food.” and “I grew up right outside of Cairo, and I have no idea what this is.” and “Why is there won-ton soup?” Tiresias hated doing the ads live. She didn’t see why she had to do more work just because she was being given more money. It wasn’t fair, dammit.

No matter that she wasn’t a good fit for some of the sponsors. Bugsy’s Barn hired her to do commercials, too, but they let her pre-tape them. Bugsy’s was one of those children’s restaurants with the animatronic characters and video games. When the place opened, the robot puppets were bears and mice and friendly creatures like that, but Bugsy got sued and redecorated. He took his nickname into consideration and now giant dung beetles and funnel spiders ratchet back and forth while kids eat chicken wings. Tiresias didn’t see the appeal. She couldn’t even go into the place; he first visit in, she took one look at the seven-foot tall soldier ant lip syncing an off-brand happy birthday song and sprinted for the door. She took their money, anyway.

There was no money in the ad she’d been doing the past two weeks: Terror at The Tahitian! A live (undead?) appearance by Draculette herself judging a costume contest, plus a scary movie. Oh, and a big table in the lobby selling merch and where she’d pose for photos for ten bucks a pop after the show. A girl likes a full house, and so just about every segment had included a plug. When Paul Loomis, Jr., KSOS owner, forbid her from making doing any more free ads for herself, she let Count Fang do them. (Count Fang was a bat, and her ex-husband.)

Precarious could not longer hear the marching band ahead of them, and the crowds had thinned away. He tapped on the gas pedal and Sheila had to grab Tiresias’ ankles to save her from sliding off the back of the car.

He adjusted his Groucho glasses and took the long way back to the teevee station. When they got back, they decided that drinking before the big show was a bad idea, so they only had wine.

The Main Drag opened back up after the parade, but only for a few hours. When the sun went down, the cops barricaded the ends and locals parked their cars across the lanes at the intersections. The neighborhood wandered up and down, and in and out of bars. (The only bar not open was the Morning Tavern. They used to stay open for Halloween night, but all the patrons would just stick around from that morning and by midnight or so, everyone was so ripshit that they’d be throwing tables.) The older kids were out, toilet-papering each other. Beer Can Ethel was dressed as a pirate and doing brisk business on tallboys of Arrow; she even threw in the brown bag for free. Richie’s Record Bazaar had big speakers out on the sidewalk playing old Motown songs.

The pumpkin outside Harry and Capolina Gardner’s cottage on Bailey Street had a werewolf carved into it. Harry did not think that was funny, either, but he didn’t complain. There’s a lot of women, he thought, that file for divorce if their husband turns lycanthrope; he supposed he could take some jokes. The doorbell went BINGbong, and they answered it together. Capolina grabbed the bucket of candy on the way to the door, and held it out of Harry’s reach.

“For the children.”

“I’m young at heart. Gimme candy.”

“Stop it.”

She opened the door and there was a princess and a football player and a child in a cardboard box.

“Ooh, a princess,” Capoina said, dropping two miniature candy bars in her pillowcase.

“And a football player.”

Two more candies. Harry asked the kid in the cardboard box,

“What are you supposed to be?”

The kid said,

“I’m a cardboard box.”

“You nailed it.”

There was a little round man in a flat cap standing on the sidewalk across the street. Harry thought he looked familiar, and then he shut the door and successfully stole a tiny Snickers from the bucket and when he looked out the window next to the front door, the man was gone.

At the corner of Alfalfa and the Main Drag, Flower Childs stood and watched the crowds mill around her. They all looked familiar.

Gussy put the organist in a gorilla suit (except for the hands) and when he and the grand machine rose from the floor of The Tahitian’s stage, the full house roared. He played the March To The Scaffold, he played the Danse Macabre, he played the Monster Mash, and then KAFLAM! the pyro pots went up and Precarious rolled Tiresias out on her purple Edwardian couch.

Then, everyone waited five minutes while Gussy and Julio and the rest of the employees opened all the doors and fanned the smoke out.

“You have been trying to murder me all day,” Tiresias hissed; she kept her smile, though. Professional.

“I may have used too much powder, yeah.”

Costumed revelers pranced across the stage as the gorilla played the organ. There were supremely attractive people wearing barely any clothes, and supremely confident people wearing even less. Conceptual getups–the guy who dressed as “the feeling you get when you order spaghetti and meatballs, but receive no meatballs” and the woman who came as the Dred Scott Decision–vied with old standards. Couples matched, complemented, argued over who would be the back half of the horse. Several people were dressed as Mister Hamburger, and there was even a Draculette or two.

Tiresias made jokes as they passed, and the crowd cheered and booed in equal measure.

And then it was time for the Feature, and Gussy had picked a good one, a real nightmare pill. A scary movie should get under your skin like ringworm and manifest in dark alleys and half-opened closets from then on. A scary enough movie is a tattoo that only appears under the right light, and Gussy picked a good one. It was the movie with the dread, with the long scenes with a locked-down camera and shadows in the back of the shot that crept and crawled, with the monster around the corner. The monster around the corner is always more frightening than the one you can see.

The crowd shrieked and gasped and jumped; mostly at the movie, but sometimes because the denizens of the balcony were slingshotting goldfish into the orchestra, and when the credits rolled they cheered with lust and held each other in the slowly advancing lights. Draculette was waiting at her merch table as they walked out. Sheila took the cash, and Precarious grabbed the creeps who tried to rub on her during the picture. The line was long, and the last patron did not rejoin the party that was still going on outside until almost midnight and then it was quiet in the lobby of The Tahitian. Gussy was cleaning up.

Draculette disappeared as she slumped back onto the couch and there was Tiresias, in costume just like everyone else that night. She asked Sheila,

“How’d we do?”

“We ain’t broke.”

Sheila held up the overflowing cashbox and the popcorn bucket that she had started putting the money into once the cashbox overflowed.

“Drinks are on me. AAAAHahaha!”

“I could eat,” Sheila said.

“Cheeseburgers are on me, too.”

Precarious rolled Tiresias into Gussy’s office so Sheila could help wrestle the dress off of her. Gussy went into the auditorium and did one last check. Down the right aisle and up the left. All the lights were on and the curtain was drawn before the screen and the organ had retracted into the stage and the room was quiet. She peered around and up each row, and when she got about halfway down, there was an envelope sitting on a seat in the middle of the row. She waded in and picked it up. The envelope was unsealed. She opened it and found a letter which read

“TONIGHT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH FUN – THE J OF I”

Out on the Main Drag, the party continued. The music blared and no one would get any sleep until November. No one was who they said they were; they were upfront about; the lies were brazen and celebrated for their outlandishness. It was Halloween, and everyone was taking candy from strangers in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

How Do You Take It In Little Aleppo?

Europeans were not introduced to coffee until the 17th century, which makes their accomplishments prior to that far more notable. Building the cathedral of Notre Dame is impressive, but doing it without coffee is heroic. And that’s disregarding the labor, hauling the stones and hoisting the beams: how did they draw up the blueprints without it? That is tedious, fidgety, erase-and-start-again type work; it is coffee work. Novelists and poets drink wine, but draftsmen and engineers drink coffee. The car you drive, the house you fuck in, all your gadgety gadgets: products of coffee, every one.

The Victory Diner served it too hot, poured by waitresses who called you hon; the milk came from a battered creamer and the packets of sugar were already at the table when you sat down, and the packets of non-sugar, too. Or you could get it to-go in a thick paper cup adorned with Hellenism. Blue with a white lip and bottom, and circumscripted with buttfuckers in Phrygian caps. Farmer’s Market, which was a bodega with a dodgy produce selection, still had styrofoam cups topped with flimsy plastic lids. “Bad for the environment,” Little Aleppians would say, and “Someone should ban those” as they enjoyed the material’s thermal properties. Nero’s, which was on the Upside, served a Turkish blend in demitasse cups after dinner; Seafood & Spaghetti, which was on the Downside, served a product called Joe!, which tasted almost mostly like coffee, in shoplifted mugs that the customers brought with them.

Mundy’s was your best bet. It was the only place in the neighborhood that did not view coffee as commodity, as fungible, as means to jittery end. There were beans of both the Arabica and Robusta variety; there were also Madagascara beans, too, which had been passed through the digestive system of a ring-tailed lemur. Various espressi could be produced. Cappuccino and frappuccino; sappuccino contained a shot of maple syrup. Bitter Americanos, sweet Cubanos, forgettable Belgianos. There were iced concoctions that combined sugar and caffeine in delicious and expensive ways. Mundy’s did not have a liquor license, but a raised eyebrow and two bucks would give your drink a brogue.

Unless you called it a coffee shop.

“Coffee shop? Coffee shop? Do you see donuts and formica? Are we in an Edward Hopper painting? Does the chipped porcelain tell you stories of lost love?”

Mundial Proft, who was known as Mundy, was particular about language.

“This is a coffeehouse. As in the place that gave birth to the Enlightenment, and America. Coffee shops give birth to bad poems and stab wounds.”

And then she’d throw you out. Don’t call it a coffee shop.

The coffeehouse was a half-block east of the Main Drag across Spants Street from Harper College. The road used to be known as Picador Way, but was renamed to honor the long-time Dean and his wife after they passed away. A Harper alum, Mundy was all in favor of it–some of the organizing meetings about getting the name changed were held at her place–she loved the Dean and his wife Molly just as much as anyone. She was, however, not fond of saying “Spants Street.” The phrase didn’t roll off the tongue so much as bounce off the teeth. She liked the sign. High up on a lamppost overlooking the intersection with yellow letters on a blue background. Officially, the colors were gold and cerulean, but Little Aleppians knew gold and blue when they saw them.

By mid-morning, the newspapers would be piled up on the long shelf by the door. Early birds are whirleybirds; they gotta know everything, they’re a part of the action; real hard charger types. Mundy thought of them as the overly-employed. This group purchased the newspapers. Hours later, pajama’d students and adults with no visible means of support would stumble in to sit over lattes for an hour. This group read the newspapers. It was the circle of life. The gambling gazette, and the international broadsheet, and the daily pamphlet in which Hollywood sniped at one another, and the sports digest, and USA Today. No one knew who brought USA Today–the Broadside Newsstand did not even carry it–but it appeared every day when Mundy wasn’t looking. She tossed it in the trash when she saw it. She felt the colored graphs mocked her.

On the other side of the door was a triangular stage. It was only six inches off the ground, more of a symbolic platform than a literal one. When you stood on it, people treated you like you were on stage, and that was good enough. It was Open Mic Night every Monday–Mondays at Mundy’s, the show was called–and it was the openest mic in the neighborhood. Flautists and poets and Balancin’ Phil, the Man Who Rarely If Ever Toppled Over. (Phil was a genius. He could not fall down for hours, man.) Tap dancing was infrequent, but expected. A variety of nudities had been displayed: artistic, aggressive, accidental. No one won and no one lost; it was not a talent contest, it was Open Mic Night.

Communists met at the corner table every Friday at four, until they had an internal schism and then met Tuesdays at five and Fridays at four. The Flat Earth Society also had a regular table, one that they quickly came to believe was spherical. Students for a Year-Round Carnival often gathered to share a drink and say, “Dude, imagine you could ride the Cyclotron anytime you wanted” to each other; they would bring their own cotton candy with them. Outside food was not permitted, but Mundy would let it slide if they gave her some. The Melchiorites met Thursdays in the afternoon. They were pale and plainly hiding wings underneath the trench coats they would not remove. Mundy left the Melchiorites alone. Two old men, neither of whom were Rappaport, played chess under a large painting that had its price tag affixed to its corner.

All the art was for sale. Ridiculous prices. A grand for the cubist rendering of a pair of swinging testicles. Eight hundred bucks for the brown splotches fighting the purple lines. Twenty thousand–no kidding–for a canvas with a thin layer of rose paint covering it entitled “Painting #41.” Those were the asking prices. Offer $50, and you could own yourself some art. Mundy would fill in the space on the wall with another local’s painting and make up a silly price for it, too.

The music would scandalize none, and tantalize fewer.

None of the chairs matched, not one, which the math department of Harper College had determined was statistically impossible. There were only so many kinds of chair, they told Mundy. She shrugged. Our findings, they said, have been reviewed by our peers. Mundy shrugged again, and asked if they were going to order anything or just stand around arguing with reality. We are mathematicians, they responded; we can do both at the same time.

In the afternoons, the writers came in. Filthy little beasts, Mundy thought. Self-obsessed hunchbacks worrying themselves bald over where to put the commas. What’s worse: they were lingerers. Buy a cookie at two and still sitting there at five. The price for giving people a place to stay is that sometimes they stayed there. The Frantic Month of Junior Lapps, which was turned into a hit movie, was written at that table right there. Shake It Like Sunday, which was the impetus behind four lawsuits and two murders, was written over there. Several poets had threatened suicide at that table.

First dates, too, and sometimes people would come in to read their divorce papers over a cappuccino. Men who had lost their jobs and could not tell their wives would sit quietly all day, buying something small every hour, on the hour, in cash. The friendless would come in to sit near others’ conversations. Actors read their sides and con men put up fronts. Itinerant bandleaders wandered in with trombones and cornets to sell. Great debates broke out, and incredibly stupid ones. The baristas were either not speaking to one another or fucking; there was no middle ground.

One day, a boy with curly hair came in with a guitar. He didn’t have a strap for it; he stole a matchbook, ripped off the cover, bent it double to make a pick. His voice was too old for his body–he sang from his asshole–and he kept his eyes closed most of the time. No one got the name of the song, but it was about death and ice cream. It had a hell of a chorus. When he was finished, all the girls wanted to fuck him. The boys, too, but they would deny it. The boy with the curly hair had his knee perched up on a stool and his guitar resting on his thigh, and the applause came towards him. He dodged some of it. Then he played Louie Louie.

Revolution was always in the air at Mundy’s coffeehouse, but it never seemed to land.

Mundial Proft, who was known as Mundy, had always wanted a coffeehouse. An open-door kind of place. A say what you want kind of place. With big steaming machinery that hissed and popped and spit out caffeinated beverages and a little stage in the corner. Everybody’s got a dream. She used to have a husband with a mustache and a temper and a great big life insurance policy, and now she had a coffeehouse with a little stage in the corner on Spants Street, which is right off the Main Drag in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Government Work In Little Aleppo

The Town Fathers were not stabbing each other in the back, but only because the conference room had a metal detector. There had been incidents. In 1916, a Town Father named Cornelius Amberforth cane-whipped Barnstable Undercock into a coma. Jimmy Harms went nuts with a machete at a budget meeting in ’43; he said he was cutting taxes. Francie Bulmanny shot the other four Town Fathers in 1979 during the debate over building a minor-league baseball stadium. They were for it; in her defense, it was fiscally irresponsible. Now, there were patdowns and wandings. Little Aleppo’s politicians were well-protected from themselves.

Something had to be done. What, precisely, was only known to the Lord or their donors (not in that order) but something had to be done. A serial arsonist? Leaving notes like some sort of comic book villain? Something had to be done, and loudly. The Town Fathers needed to make a huge racket out of the something. They had held a meeting and hoped that would be enough, but it was not: locals prowled Town Hall wailing and terrified, and civilian watch groups formed all over the neighborhood. These led, obviously, to turf battles. The Cenotaph had published several cartoons in which the Town Fathers were depicted as ostriches with their heads in the sand, or possums playing dead. Something had to be done, and they were going to do it just as soon as they figured out what it was.

Big Bobby Barr said,

“I say we offer a reward f’r the sumbitch. Get the community involved in a l’il self-policin’.”

He was drunk, but he was that stupid when he was sober, too.

“Folks know. Gotta trust the folks, folks. They’re some smart fuckers. I bet a bunch of ’em got hunches. What we gotta do here is incentivize those hunches. Wouldn’t even need t’be that much. Couple hundred bucks oughta do it.”

“No, we’re not doing that,” Anetta Housell said.

She said that to everything. Anetta believed that the government that governed least governed best, so therefore the government that governed at all governed worst. She had judgmental posture and enormous hair; her fingers were interlaced on the table in front of her. Big Bobby’s cowboy boots were also up on the table. The people’s money belonged to the people, Anetta believed–with the exception of her salary, which she voted to increase every year–and the government belonged out of their business. Creeping socialism. It was everywhere, Anetta warned no matter how many times you asked her to stop. She was an individualist who pulled herself up by her bootstraps and never asked for a handout, she told attendees at fundraisers. She had a simple crucifix hanging around her neck. Big Bobby also had a crucifix, but Jesus had diamonds for eyes on his.

“Oh, why the hell not?”

“It’s not in the budget.”

“Emergency funds,” Big Bobby said.

“An emergency has not been officially declared. Therefore, no emergency funds.”

“Aw, shit, I’ll pay it myself.”

“No. Charter code 13.22-g. No Town Father shall use his or her own money to foment vigilantism.”

“Woman, we’re not talkin’ ’bout the law here. We’re talkin’ ’bout politics.”

“They are interdependent.”

“And I’m interdependent with my asshole, but I don’t let it rule the roost.”

Sandy Hereford said,

“Can we not talk about assholes, please?

Sandy Hereford had aspirational posture. Beauty queen posture, which makes sense; she had been Miss Little Aleppo as a teenager. Her talent was tanning. It took several weeks , and many tanks of stomped-upon urine, but eventually she produced a lovely and supple pair of leather trousers. The judges admired her perseverance as much as anything else. This single-mindedness propelled her to Town Hall, and also to the Valentine Courthouse. Sandy Hereford was quite sure that the right way to make a living was lying to others. She had sold lottery tickets from countries that did not exist, stock from companies that did not exist, real estate that did not exist. It was their fault for believing me, Sandy thought. The court rarely agreed, and she was wearing an ankle monitor that beeped randomly. She was awaiting trial for her latest scam, which was a Ponzi scheme based around the market price of formica.

“It was a metaphorical anus, darlin’.”

“And let’s leave the word ‘anus’ out of it entirely?”

“My friends. My friiiiiiiennnnnnds.”

No one knew how old Bartholomew Porridge was, least of all Bartholomew. “I was born ‘fore they started paying attention to what year it was,” he would answer if you asked him. If you asked anyone else, they would say, “Like, a million? Around a million billion years old?” And they would be right, except for the numbers. No matter: he was beloved in Little Aleppo. Barty (everyone called him Barty) was our link to the past, locals thought even if he didn’t remember much of it. An unbroken chain to the old days, people said of him; Barty had attended several lynchings.

“We have a scared populace. Means we ought be scared, too.”

He leaned forward. His wrist swam in his sleeve and his hand was just tendon and skin.

“We need, my friends, to come up with some sort of plan. Don’t even matter what, not really. Cops are doing what they do, fire department’s doing what it does. I have faith in our first responders, except for the cops, and they’re the best to handle this little firebug fellow. But we have to do something, too. A show of strength. We gotta show this neighborhood that we’re on it.”

Big Bobby Barr tilted his silver flask straight up for a two-count. Wiped his lip. Put the flask back in his jacket. Exhaled deeply and said,

“How?”

“We could round up the Japanese.”

“That’s your suggestion for everything,” Big Bobby said.

“Well, fine. Who do you suggest we round up?”

“Nobody, Barty. We ain’t roundin’ up nobody.”

“It’s a robust action! Shows we’re taking the offensive.”

“Nobody’s gettin’ rounded up.”

Barty made a sound like “Plfeh” and sat back in his chair, annoyed.

“Whole world’s gone pussy.”

“Mr. Porridge. Watch your language, please,” Sandy Hereford said.

“Ah, bite me, jailbird.”

It was raining outside. 18 days had gone by, and it was raining outside. Umberto Clamme had doubled the prices of his umbrellas, but still did brisk business on the Main Drag. Some scurried under the drops, and others walked: optimism versus fatalism. Little Aleppo loved the rains for the break they brought, except the kids. The kids still had to go to school, but their day was full of substitutes and movies; the teacher’s union had negotiated into the contract that calling in sick when it rained only counted as half a sick day. Locals who owned motorcycles canceled appointments, and so did those who walked. Car owners canceled, too, but they had to come up with lies.

There was a nylon pagoda set up at the Broadside Newsstand on Gower Avenue. It was temporary, but not flimsy. Omar shook it to test its stability after Sally Moon set it up in the morning.

“I resent this,” Omar said.

“Boof,” Argus added.

Omar owned the Broadside. Argus was a dog. Sally Moon was a large gentleman, but one of the smaller ones. He watched over Omar and the Broadside on Tuesdays and Fridays, when they drew the Mother Mary. The Mother Mary was Little Aleppo’s lottery, and the winning numbers were the last three digits of the newsstand’s take on Tuesday and Friday. Sally Moon stood there and looked threatening. He made people feel secure in their investments. The math department at Harper College had proven–to nine or ten decimal points–that fixing the Mother Mary was impossible, but locals preferred a big guy standing by the cash register over math any day. The Mother Mary was Tuesday and Friday. It rained every 18 days. This meant that it rained on a Mother Mary day two or three times a year. Omar bitched every time.

“A man should not sit out in the rain like a beast.”

“Boof.”

“We are better than this. We have built great cities. We have visited the moon. And still I sit out here like a fucking orangutan in a drizzle.”

“Boof.”

“Do you hear that? Do you hear how unhappy Argus is? Tell him, Argus.”

“Boof.”

The pagoda was technically a hunting blind. Sally Moon had bought it from Ambercock & Sons, the sporting goods store on the Main Drag, and it was camouflage: dark green against neutral green against light green. Omar had made Sally buy it. On the days when it rained that were not Mother Mary days, Omar did not open the Broadside Newsstand at all. He had been raised in a drier climate. Rain was for mushrooms and Noah, Omar thought. Argus did not think that rain was for mushrooms and Noah, but only because he was a dog and unfamiliar with fungus and the Old Testament. He did, however, not like the rain one tiny little fucking bit. The two or three times a year that Omar forced him to leave their apartment when it was raining were traumatic experiences and Argus complained the entire day.

“Mrrrraaaaah.”

“Oh, shut up. No one’s happy. You’re not special.”

“Boof.”

The pagoda was four-sided. Two of the sides (facing the cash register and the shelves) were open and the other two (facing the street and the sidewalk) were closed. Omar sat on his stool in his sweater and kufi. He had a puffy jacket with elastic sleeves on; he had been told it was maroon. Argus was on his latest mattress against the wall under the register, as far away from the rain as possible. Sally had neither a stool nor a mattress, so he stood there in his checked blazer and black slacks and looked large. He had stepped in a puddle earlier, and his sock had not dried yet. He was unhappy, and felt as though he were not special.

A man finished his browsing, and came to pay for his magazine.

“Omar.”

“Gary the Pervert.”

“Angus.”

“Boof.”

Gary the Pervert did not acknowledge Sally Moon, and vice versa.

Gary handed Omar the latest copy of Feetfuckers. Three women were on the cover. They had six feet. Omar handed it back.

“Four bucks,” Omar said, and Gary gave over four singles.

Omar slipped the bills under Argus’ nose to see if they were counterfeit.

“Boof.”

They weren’t. The register went CHING and the singles went in the slot all the way to the right and then the drawer shut CHANG and before Omar could look up, Gary the Pervert had gone. Most likely to take a whack at himself where people could see him; Gary liked unwitting accomplices to his masturbation. Omar did not feel responsible. The vast majority of people can handle their pornographies, he thought. He sold art magazines, too, expensive and incomprehensible and quarterly, and celebrity mags and a shelf full of news and analysis and deeply-pondered essays; the porn sold better.

Locals had come by in the morning for the Cenotaph, and after that it was just those playing the Mother Mary and weirdos. Sally Moon dealt with the Mother Mary. Give the big man a dollar, two, five; tell him your number. Sally didn’t need to write anything down. It wasn’t out of fear of leaving evidence–several cops, some in uniform, stopped by the Broadside every Tuesday and Friday–but out of style. Criminals these days were slackbodies, Sally thought. Shine your shoes and don’t take notes. Do the wrong thing the right way.

Omar dealt with the weirdos.

“Leibowitz!”

A man stood at the far end of the shelves, copying the latest issue of Cat Fancy into a notebook.

“I’m almost done!”

“Buy the magazine! Not a library!”

“The future has to know what happened here!”

“I kicked your ass, that’s what happened here if you keep this shit up!”

Leibowitz scurried away like a beetle.

Omar turned to Sally, approximately.

“How long was he there? You don’t want to say nothing?”

Sally said nothing, looked down at Argus.

“You got anything to say for yourself?”

“Boof.”

The windows of the Victory Diner are fogged up and you cannot see in or out: the grill does not care; it produces cheeseburgers and pancakes anyway. There are three umbrellas just inside the door of the bookstore with no title. They are laying on the floor made of maple planks in the same place that they always rest every 18 days; the wood is warped and funky in that spot. Children leap into the air and down FWAP into puddles as their irritated parents pulls them along. A blind man, a mute man, and a dog on Gower Avenue argue, in their own way.

“My friends. My distinguished friends. How can we argue now? How can we fight? Little Aleppo needs us. Yes, need. There comes a time when the authorities must step in. For the greater good. For the general welfare. There is, as the Honorable Mr. Porridge reminds us, fear sizzling upon the Main Drag.”

The fifth Town Father rose from his seat at the table. His suit was immaculate: midnight blue with charcoal pinstripes, and his umber tie had a Windsor knot. They were at the Crisis Table: it was ten feet in diameter and had a scale model of the entire neighborhood built onto its top. Sometimes when Big Bobby Barr was sloshed in a particular way, he would borrow his kids’ toys and stage tiny military invasions. Raggedy Whoever steps on The Tahitian BOOM! G.I. Whatshisfuck shoots his bazooka into the high school BASHOOM! The cleaning staff would generally find Big Bobby asleep on the floor the next morning.

“Mr. Barr, you made such a wonderful point,” the fifth Town Father said, putting his hand on Big Bobby’s meaty shoulder.

“I know.”

“Of course you do. Community involvement. This is the key. Fear can so quickly turn to panic, but it can also be funneled into positivity. Not into vigilantism, but into vigilance.”

The tall man continued around the table and stood over Annetta Housell. He leaned in from his waist, solicitously.

“And we all know that Ms. Housell is correct. We have been given a sacred honor. The power of the purse. Not to be taken lightly! Every dollar–every cent!–belongs to the people. Not to us. We must guard against any foolish expenditure, no matter how necessary it seems at the time.”

“Well said,” Anetta nodded. She had spent the day in the Town Fathers’ hot tub, which was custom-made of obsidian and carbon fiber, with lapis lazuli inlays.

“I appreciate the support. And our leader! Our great man! The elder statesman of our humble group! Mr. Porridge.”

“I told you to call me Barty.”

“And I told you that I would never dare.”

The fifth Town Father had a pale shaved head that was almost perfectly rectangular. He put both hands on Barty’s shoulders. Barty reached up and went patpatpat.

“Good boy,” Barty said.

“I agree with Mr. Porridge. In spirit, not in specifics. I believe we might leave our Japanese brothers and sisters alone for the moment, but there is something to be said for a hunt. My distinguished colleagues, we need a bad guy.”

There was murmuring and chitchat as the man walked behind Sandy Hereford. He was barefoot.

“And Ms. Hereford is correct. We should avoid the word ‘anus’ during meetings.”

Having made his way around the table, the man sat down and smiled. He had too many teeth.

“Whatcha suggestin’, Slim?”

Mr. Leopard despised Big Bobby Barr and his nicknames, but his smile never faltered.

“A distraction, Mr. Barr. Without a target to aim their ire at, our neighbors will lash out indiscriminately. Chaos will jam its spurs in. But if there is a task…”

“You sayin’ we send the neighborhood on a wild goose chase?”

Mr. Leopard laced his hand together as in prayer and his smile was bulletproof.

“Not a goose. A werewolf.”

All the trees in the Verdance looked downtrodden. The rain beat down on their leaves, and there were no teenage drug deals on the benches. In Harper Zoo, all the animals refused to come out from the roofed portions of their enclosures except for the anteater, who was too stupid to know it was raining. The Morning Tavern was packed, and Anatoly’s American luncheonette was empty. It was the day of the rains, it was the day of the Mother Mary, it was the day of a fateful suggestion in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Delivery In Little Aleppo

It was a bad idea to piss off the pizza boys. Undertipping, not tipping, kidnapping; prank calls, bear traps, mean dogs: all terrible plans. The pizza boys talked. Not just amongst themselves, but to the Chinese delivery guy and the florist and the cable techs, and the postal workers and paperboys, too. Having things brought to your house was a privilege, the pizza boys thought. Thousands of years of human history rolled along without the ability to summon dinner–as if by magic!–to your front door. Louis XVI was a rich and powerful dude, but even he couldn’t get a half-pepperoni/half-onion delivered. And if he could, the pie would not be hot when it got to Versailles, as the materials needed for the insulated bag hadn’t been invented. Little Aleppo, the pizza boys thought, was living in a Golden Age of convenience. And it had better be fucking thankful of the fact.

Cagliostro’s, Vafunculo’s, and the Santa Maria. Home base. Touch the bag and turn around, do it again, do it again, do it again. A dozen runs on a slow night, twice that again every 18 days when it rained. Going to the Downside stood a chance of getting robbed; all the rich people on the Upside were weird perverts, and sometimes cheap. The pizza boys did not pick their customers. You took the next order up, and that’s it. It was zen. Or stoicism. One of those. Bit Player was not versed in foreign philosophies. She didn’t give a shit about domestic ones, either.

Tiburon. Ooh, that was her shit. Not into the mainline. Intramuscular and then it would spread through her, radiating out from the injection site even though that’s not how it works. She didn’t care, she could feel it, she knew her own body better than any damned textbook (textbooks were tools of the patriarchy, anyway) and the neighborhood would shrink-wrap itself around her occipital lobe like vacuum-packed plastic, her brain would take the shape of the streets and the stairwells and running down the middle like a skunk stripe was the Main Drag in flaming red and green and blinking blinking blinking right in between the balls and lids of her eyes. Bit hated the name. Tiburon.

“It sounds like a fake drug from a hack novel,” she said to Lucy Twigg, who sold it.

“No discounts,” said Lucy.

Stay on the bike. In and out of Cagliostro’s on Robin Street. If you got hooked into their bullshit, that kitchen bullshit, that grabass bullshit, then you weren’t making money and you weren’t moving forward. Stay on the bike. Avoid the dining room; there are large gentlemen in there having discussions you should not hear. Stay on the bike. Don’t go in the bar; it was full of out-of-work henchmen and twitchy supplicants. Stay on the bike.

It was a Stalwart N60, which was a rebadged version of the Zhanghui L40, which was a ripoff of the Honda Super Cub. Years before, the large gentlemen who frequent Cagliostoro’s happened upon a truckload of them. But they couldn’t sell any of them: the Stalwart is an underbone, with the engine and gas tank tucked up under the seat, which you stepped through the body to access. Little Aleppians knew a scooter when they saw one. What if someone on a real motorcycle saw you? They would point, locals thought, and laugh. What if people started called you Scooter? That was completely out of the question. It was a hard pass for the Stalwarts, and so the large gentlemen gave them to the pizza boys, and dumped them for pennies to the other pizzerias.

The frames remained. The gas tanks were the first to go–they tended to leak and then catch fire–replaced by rubber bladders that would not puncture in a crash; the shocks were upgraded after that. Stalwart N60 did not naturally climb stairs or take curbs at 30 mph, so the shocks were upgraded. Of course, the brakes needed improvement and then the 48 cc single-stroke engines were swapped out for 62 cc inchers–that’s raw power, baby–and thick knobby tires were required to climb the Segovian Hills and do donuts in the Verdance . But the frames remained.

PUTTAPUTTAPUTTA all around the neighborhood all day and late into the night. The pizza boys on their bikes were crickets. They were the noises we turn into silence.

Bit Player did not remember what she had been before she was a pizza boy. She felt herself birthed for one task. Get it there hot; take the cash; do it again. And the bike. She took care of the bike. Degreased certain parts, greased others. The timing on the engine was 4 degrees below top dead center. She installed an electronic ignition and bought a keychain with a bitchin’ skull on it. The chain was exposed and the brake lines were, too. No splash guards or facings were left on the bike at all; it was its own skeleton. One day, someone else would ride it. Pizza boys can be replaced, but bikes cost money. Bit would fuck off to jail or grad school, but the bike would shepherd pies up and down the Main Drag until the wheels came off, but until that day it was hers. And it was a she.

And she was named Throttlebottom.

“Ride on, Throttlebottom,” Bit whispered to the bike every time she started her up. The other pizza boys were starting to whisper about Bit.

She took the next order up. You take the next order up, and you take care of your bike. Rules to being a pizza boy. She took the next order up: five pies for 8763 McAllister Avenue, which was not an avenue at all but a tiny little nook of a street halfway up Mount Fortitude, which was the second of the seven Segovian Hills. (If you were counting left to right.) She took the pile of boxes and Banticcio grabbed her ass. She ignored him and walked out the kitchen door to the back alley where Throttlebottom leaned on her kickstand. Banticcio slid a mushroom calzone into the wide-mouthed oven and waited for more ass to grab.

The pies just fit into the insulated carrier on the back of the bike. Red on the outside with Cagliostro’s number on the sides, grey and shiny on the inside. Time went slower in there, Bit thought. The return to homeostasis was more drawn out. Inside the carrier was a glide; outside was a plunge towards lukewarmth. Reality will insist on entropy unless you pull a knife on it.

The keychain had bitchin’ skulls all over it. The key’s berth was below her right ass cheek; she slid it in by feel and the Stalwart went REEEEEeeeePUTTAPUTTA when she gave her gas with her right hand, slowly; the bike had a two-speed transmission that took its orders from her left foot. She could go low or she could go high. The tiburon slapped her head around, it said “go, go, go” and there was a magpie eating rotten olives from the dumpster. 8763 McAllister. Bit Player knew where that was.

The black cab drivers in London had The Knowledge; the pizza boys in Little Aleppo knew where everything was without the need for pretentious capitalization. Bit saw the whole neighborhood from above, and she could zoom in and out by blinking. There was a blinking route in her eyes. Not the shortest distance, but the most efficient. She felt like Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man. The pellets go that way, so follow the line of pellets. Bit Player could not tell Colorado from Wyoming, and she always got the little dinky states Back East confused with one another, but she knew every brick of her home. She did not know Little Aleppo’s history, and she did not care: Bit knew where everything was, and that was more than most. In general, people don’t know where they came from or where they are. Bit Player knew where she was.

The alley led to Robin Street; she wheeled out carefully onto the sidewalk and then the street. The sun had fallen and Throttlebottom had an oversized light on her front fork, wide as a catcher’s glove, as Bit cranked the handle which made the two-stroke stroke faster and she hit 20 mph in 500 feet SHVEEEE she braked and threw her tail out to make the left turn onto the Main Drag. She rode into opposing traffic for a block, two, and then there was an opening and she VREEEE squirted into the right lane all the way to the side, skimming the mirrors of the parked cars with her handlebars. Mile up, two, to the Upside where the lawns were so green and dogshit-free. She passed The Tahitian. Bit didn’t like movies; they took too long. Sharp right onto Dudley Way. Town Hall was on her left and she squeezed the throttle downwards and accelerated along the empty pavement. No one parked on the street on the Upside except tradesman in their vans and it was nighttime so the vans were not there. The Upside kept its cars in the garage. Bit Player whizzed by basketball hoops and abandoned toys that would be there in the morning. Down to first gear for the climb up Fortitude. Mount Fortitude had a 100-foot tall antenna at its apex: it blasted out the sounds of KHAY and the sights of KSOS; Dudley Way went all the way up. The Main Drag to the antenna. A charity road race ran the route once a year to raise money for Childhood Threnody until locals looked up threnody in the dictionary and figured out it wasn’t a disease.

The road ripped and bubbled, switchbacks and hairpins and needle-sharp turns. Bit was wearing a football helmet. The colors were officially cerulean and gold, but she knew they were blue and yellow. Go Blue Oxen. It was a punter’s helmet, with only the one crossbar in front of her face. Her jeans ended right below her knees and her boots were big and black. Lean left here, and the road goes up. There are evergreens and pine; there is sage and brush; the sky is eaten up by the trees and so is the light. She sees it all in her head, behind her eyelids when she blinks. She knows the route. The bike knows the way to carry the sleigh. Bit leans into her, reduces her drag, her elbows are in and Throttlebottom fights against gravity and the grade and propels the pizzas upwards. There is no more north, east, south, whatever: just up and down, left and right, and so she turns right.

A movie star turn: hard on the brakes, and then her right foot down on the blacktop while the bike makes the 90 degree swivel below her and she’s back on and PUTTAPUTTA up McAllister, which is pitch-black. There is a sheer drop to her right and a broken cliff face to her left. People have carved their homes into the mountain. 8763 was the fifth house. Bit had counted back at Cagliostro’s. She counted now as she drove by the semi-hidden driveways and squealed her wheels upwards onto the fifth driveway. There was no gate. Some of these fuckers had gates. She hated the fuckers with gates.

The house was modern and had too many windows. A man was standing in the open front door. He was smiling the smile rich people use with the help. Bit Player slid the five pies out and brought them to him, along with the bill. Seventy bucks. He handed her a hundred and said,

“I always expect you guys to have samurai swords on your bikes.”

“No. That story’s a technological dystopia set in the future. You’re in an idealized past. With magic.”

“Pity.”

“Threnody.”

“Keep the change.”

She did. The Stalwart was still running; she was named Throttlebottom and Bit stepped through her and onto the seat and revved the engine with her right hand. She planted her big, black boot in the gravel of the driveway and spun the bike around and she was back on McAllister with the cliff on her right and a drop on her left. Touch the bag and turn around, do it again, do it again, do it again. Take the next order up. Stay on the bike. Bit Player was a pizza boy, and she knew where she was in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Head Games In Little Aleppo

Cannot Swim could not name his surroundings. This was new to him. He knew all the animals in the woods around his village–the bear and the deer and the shrike–and the trees that the animals lived within. He could tell trout from salmon in the lake, and he knew the stars in the sky. The Pulaski had constellations just like the Greeks did. Different patterns, different names, same stories. Heroic archers. The beasts. Gods and their attendants. Demons who were sights of woe. Cannot Swim knew what everything in his world was, or at least he had until he entered Watts’ Dry Goods.

Tools. He knew that most of what he was looking at were tools. He could imagine what the shovel was for, and the pick, but they floated there free of linguistic tether and Cannot Swim could not pin them down in his brain. Perhaps if he had been presented with only one new item, a lone addition to his universe, then he would be taking it better, but the entire room was without name and confusing and out of context. Worked metal. The Pulaski did not work metal into useful shapes, and so Cannot Swim was unused to processing the way the light gleamed off of worked metal and he stared like a virgin into a disco ball at the shovels and the picks, and so much else he did not comprehend and could not name. Greasy black mechanisms and angry halberds and shallow pans, and he had no idea why any of it existed. He reached into his satchel and pulled out several peregrine leaves, jammed them all into his mouth at once.

Talks To Whites was talking to a White.

“Hundred rounds. One rifle.

“600, Mr. Watts. 600 rounds and six rifles.”

“Can’t do it, Peter.”

Talks To Whites was known to the Whites as Peter. Mostly because that’s how he introduced himself.

“I have the gold.”

“Ain’t a question of the gold. I sell you all that ammunition, what’s to keep you and your savage brothers and sisters from coming in here and massacring all us decent Christians?”

“Quite a few things would keep us from that. First, there’s the fact that we don’t want to do that.”

“So you say,” Mr. Watts said. He was wearing a bowler hat, and his shirt had no collar. Suspenders and gray trousers. Boots red and brown from the mud of the thoroughfare. C—–a City was a new town in gold boom California, and so the thoroughfare was not paved. It was also not paved because it was 18– and paving would not be invented until the 1920’s.

“What if I promise?”

“An Indian’s word to a White man is as useless as a Chinaman’s prick. Your aggressive ways are known to all in this great land.”

“We’re gonna shoot animals with the bullets.”

“And now the White man is an animal to you!?”

“Not what I meant. Actual animals.”

“Peter, I refer you to the Lord, who is named Jesus Christ and died for one of your sins,” Mr. Watt said. He pointed towards a crucifix hanging on the wall. Around two feet tall, carved from one piece of oak.

“Right, Jesus, yeah. What about Him?”

“Look at him! Look hard. Who does He look like, me or you?”

Talks To Whites, whom the Whites called Peter, peered at the Christ. He had long hair that ran free and a pronounced nose.

“He looks way more like me than you.”

Mr. Watt had pale eyes and a weak chin and was six inches shorter than Talks To Whites. He squinted his eyes at the crucifix on the wall.

“Doesn’t.”

“Totally does.”

“That particular crucifix is blasphemous.”

“You’re just moving the goalposts all around here, man.”

Watts spit a goober of tobacco PING into the dull bronze spittoon. The floor was stained with old spittle and wet with new all around the container’s base. Cannot Swim heard the unfamiliar noise and wandered over to the counter where the two men were negotiating. He leaned over the spittoon, head directly about its mouth and SPEEYOOOO dropped a slimy leaf-loogie that looked like a green comet, fat head and thick tail, into the receptacle. Wiped his lip. Straightened up. Put his hands on his hips. Smiled like a goon.

“What’s wrong with your boy, Peter?”

“He’s fine.”

“He ain’t. I’ll kick his ass outta my shop, he don’t start acting civilized. I know it’s beyond you people, but he can fuckin’ fake it for a minute while we do business.”

Talks To White’s father was also known as Talks To Whites, but his family name was High Noon. The Pulaski were happy to live well away from whatever that new thing they were calling “America” was, but they needed rifles. Ammo, too, and also knives. The Whites had invented such wonderful things. This meant someone needed to go and talk to them, and that someone was Talks To Whites, Sr. The elders thought he was smart, and so they pushed him from the village for his Assignment.

“You will go and learn to speak the White language,” his grandfather, Clever Hands, said.

“How? From who?”

“Excellent question. Insightful. And then you will buy us rifles and ammunition. Knives, too.”

“Where?”

“And bring it all back here.”

“How am I gonna do any of that?”

“Another good question. So smart.” Clever Hands gave High Noon a little shove in the back towards the Segovian Hills.

The elders were right: High Noon was smart, and he found a farm where a family called the Greenwoods lived, and he traded the shiny rocks that pebbled the streams that cut through the valley for lessons in the White language, which he would come to find out was called English. He learned that the rocks were called gold, and what men would do for them. The farmer’s name was Caleb, and he taught High Noon to read from the Bible. High Noon was polite, because he was clever, and he never mentioned how little sense the book made. It was very complicated, he thought. He would stick with The Turtle Who Was And Will Be Again. He still bowed his head when the family said grace, though.

When he returned to the Pulaski with a horse laden with rifles and ammunition, and also knives, he was greeted as a man and received his village name of Talks To Whites. The horse was not named immediately, but soon came to be called Easy Life. Everyone was very happy to see him.

Nine months later, Talks To Whites had a son.

He taught his son the White language from birth, but by the time the boy was ten, he regretted it. Talks To Whites had seen the Whites many times since he first met Caleb Greenwood and his son Johnny on their farm, and he did not like them. He had begun to pray to the Segovian Hills at night, to thank them from the barrier that separated the Pulaski from America. One day. One day, Talks To Whites knew, there would be something in the village that the Whites wanted. Not needed. Wanted. This, he thought was the difference between the Pulaski and the White. They were slaves to want. He cursed himself for teaching his son their language. Some other child should go, some child not my own, let them learn to speak White and trade with them and smell them and sneak away from them praying they’ve not caused offense.

The tribe needed ammo. That was all there was to it, and that meant that someone must trade with the Whites. His son knew the language. That’s all there was to it.

No one else should have to suffer, he thought.

Talks To Whites brought his son along on his trips starting from when the boy was ten. They did not speak for almost the entire journey, and then Talks To Whites said to his son,

“What would happen if a Pulaski were to kill another Pulaski?”

“I don’t know.”

There had been no murders during Talks To White’s son’s life.

“What do you think would happen?’

The boy was quiet and hunched up his shoulders.

“Something. The killer would be expelled from the village. Or punished. I don’t know. Something.”

“Something,” Talks To Whites said. “Something would happen. The murder would not be ignored.”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“I agree. What would happen if a White killed a Pulaski?”

“I don’t know. Something?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. They would dump the body out with the trash. Maybe it would get cut up by one of their doctors. But there would be no punishment for the murderer. In fact, the murderer might get a nickname out of it. ‘Injun-Killin’ Joe’ or some shit like that.”

“Why?”

“Because they do not think we are people”

This was a lot to lay on a ten-year-old. They walked again, in silence for some time. The boy said,

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“What if a Pulaski killed a White? Would he be punished for that?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Why is it stupid?”

“It just is. Shut up.”

Four years later, Talks To White’s warning proved out. The boy was sick. Talks To Whites needed to go, but the boy was sick and so he waited but then could not wait any longer and he went to trade with the Whites by himself. He did not come back, and the boy was called Talks To Whites from then on. Sometimes, decisions are made for you.

“My cousin’s never been out of the village, Mr. Watts. He’s a little overwhelmed by all the progress.”

“Is he now?”

Watts broke into a shiny smile that did not show off his browned teeth, and he clapped Cannot Swim on the shoulder. He took the boy to the door of the shop and motioned out at the thoroughfare.

“You see this, boy? This is America. Aaaa-meeeer-iiii-caaaa. Little piece of her, anyways. And, y’see, boy: she was granted to us. Not us.”

Watts pointed at the two of them.

“Us.”

Watts pointed at himself.

“And y’know why? It is our industry, chief. How long you fuckin’ heathens been here? Ain’t built shit. Ain’t built shit, and you do not know of the Lord. Jesus, not whatever idolatrous shenanigans you get up to around your fire. The Christian knows toil, y’see. Not like your kind. The Christian works to better hisself from dawn til dusk. It’s a fuckin’ work ethic, not that you savages ever heard of such a thing. Look here.”

He raised his arm and pulled back the sleeve to reveal a pale and hairy forearm, then grabbed Cannot Swim’s wrist and lifted his arm so that the two were next to each other.

“See that?”

Watts pointed at his arm.

“That’s fuckin’ commerce, boy. That’s the entrepreneurial spirit that spread this nation from sea to shining fuckin’ sea.”

He pointed at Cannot Swim’s arm.

“And that? That’s fuckin’ sloth. Lollygagging around outside all fuckin’ day. Picking berries and shit like some fuckin’ animal.”

Cannot Swim did not know what Watts was saying. It seemed unpleasant, but he was having trouble concentrating on the little man with the round head and the round hat. He smelled like used piss. Women walked by on the boardwalk outside the shop. Shorter than Pulaski women, but beyond that he could not say. Their shapes were hidden in large clothing. The women did not wear trousers, Cannot Swim noticed, and they also did not wear hats. He wondered why the women did not wear hats. The Blacks wore the same clothing as the Whites. The men, at least. There were no women Blacks. The Chinese wore their own clothing; they also wore hats, but they all wore the same hat while the Whites sported several different kinds of hat.

Figure out the hats, Cannot Swim thought to himself, and you will figure out the Whites. The key to all of this is the hat situation.

The peregrine maria leaf is broad, about the size of a child’s fist, and has thirteen points. One side has a waxy aloe that you can scrape off with your fingernail, and the other side is paler and has a vein running through it that is the exact shape of the Mississippi’s route. Rolled tightly, a leaf was the size of a generous joint. When a leaf was chewed, it produced an effect like strong coffee or weak cocaine.

But if you stuffed a wad of them in your mouth at once, you were going to trip balls.

“This is exhausting.”

“The conversation or the climb?”

“These are exhausting,” Mr. Venable said.

He and Penny Arrabbiata were halfway up the utility stairs that led to Harper Observatory’s prime focus. It was shaped like a soup can and next to the 100-inch telescope that was at one time the largest on the West Coast. 80 feet up. Chandrasekhar kept trying to get all the other astronomers to say it was 24 meters up, but they ignored him and considered denouncing him as a Communist. This most likely would have backfired, as the astronomers were all associated with Harper College, and the campus was red as hell in 1969.

The prime focus controlled the telescope, and it was where the eyepiece was. The actual image of the star, so very far away, right in your eyeball. A nifty trick. All done with mirrors. Downstairs in the office was the video feed and the readouts and all the science bullshit streamed through thick cables. There was even a computer terminal that was connected to Harper College’s mainframe, which was called BIVOUAC.  The post-docs fought with each other and the other departments for log-in time.

“You’ll love it,” Penny said.

“Stop reassuring me of the future.”

“It’s filled with stars.”

“It’s filled with stairs.”

“Keep climbing.”

He did, and soon they were in the prime focus. Ten feet in diameter with a circular control panel. Surrounding that, a bare metal floor just wide enough for a medium-sized person’s shoulders. The room was shaped like an astronomy doughnut. There was an office chair with wheels and green padding on the seat that was leaking in the corner. No water, no toilet, no heat. Penny loved it. It was filled with stars.

The entrance was a trap door.

“Ooh. Trap door. Very sneaky,” Mr. Venable said.

“Door, Trap Door.”

Penny crawled up first, and he flicked her ankle through her jeans.

“He’s dead to me. You stop that.”

“Suave.”

“Stop it.”

“Deadly.”

“I’m not amused, Penelope.”

“British.”

“He was Australian!”

They were both standing in the prime focus now, and Mr. Venable was gesticulating.

“He was a damned Australian! James Bond cannot be a damned Australian! It’s immoral. That man was a lumpy-faced baboon. James Bond’s name is Sean Connery.”

Penny kissed him.

“James Bond’s name is James Bond. And he is fictional.”

He put his hands in her pockets. It was the most romantic thing he could think of. Plus, he was cold. It was the end of December and chilly inside Harper Observatory at night when the giant metal shutter were open.

“He’s as real as you or me.”

“James Bond? They’re adventure stories for little boys.”

He removed his hands from her pockets.

“How dare you?”

“They’re silly.”

“They are the Greek myths of the modern day.”

She snorted.

“Nooooo. It’s a guy running around sticking his dick in the world and shooting people.”

“What do you think Greek myths were?”

Penny put her hands in his pockets.

“I need you to stop talking about this movie.”

“George Lazenby. What kind of name is that for a human being?”

She kissed him so he would shut up. He did. Penny pointed to the eyepiece, and Mr. Venable bent down and looked into it. She was not in control of the telescope tonight. Hockenley was. He liked it in the office with the monitors and the readouts and the space heater and the bathroom. He had pointed the ‘scope towards Perseus.

“Algol. 92 light years away,” Penny said. ‘Which is close, relatively.”

“Hop, skip, and a jump.”

“It’s a binary star, but there are three of them.”

“The universe resists categorization.”

Penny looked at his ass. Mr. Venable was wearing flared corduroy trousers, and she disapproved. She needed to take him shopping.

“Three stars in a binary system. Its description required a new math. You got the two in the middle in a circular orbit. They’re called Aa1 and Aa2.”

“Those are exciting names.”

“Six million miles away from each other. The two in the middle. They revolve around a point called a barycenter that’s in between them but proportionally closer to the more massive star. One’s three times the size of the sun, the other’s smaller than the sun. Only six million miles between them. See how’s it’s blinking?”

“Yes,” he said, and reached back to hold onto her knee.

“The orbit lines up with us. It’s called an eclipsing binary. Of all 360 degrees that those stars could have orbited each other, they’re perfectly aligned so we can see the stars passing in front of each other every three days.”

“Three days?”

“68.6 hours. A bit less than three days. They’re moving at a clip. And then there’s Ab. Ab is bigger than the little star but smaller than the big one.”

“Just right.”

“It’s an F star. Our star is a G. Both main sequence. And it orbits the two rotating stars in a cigar-shaped orbit. Little bit under two years to go all the way around. But the third star’s not the interesting part.”

“Third star’s the third wheel.”

Penny ran her hand up Mr. Venable’s back and through his hair.

“The big star? Aa1? It’s a subgiant. But the little sucker? Aa2? It’s a main sequence star. The two bodies are at different points in their evolution despite being born at the same time. This was called the Algol Paradox.”

“Has a solution been found?’

“Oh, yes.”

“It is?”

“Big star’s eating the little one. The more massive you are, the faster time goes.”

“Darwin meets Einstein,” Mr. Venable said. He stood up and rubbed his eye, and then Penny took his wrist and stopped him. She rubbed his eye for him. Gently. Then he kissed her. Harper Observatory rotated beneath them so silently that they did not notice.

Penny leaned down and pressed her eye against the piece. Mr. Venable looked at her ass.

“Algol is the demon star,” he said. “The name is Classical Arabic. Al-ghūl. The demon. This is where we get the word ‘ghoul’ from.”

“I was wondering.”

“But the star appears in the literature far before that. The ancient Hebrews knew it. They called it Rosh ha-Satan. Head of the enemy. The Babylonians called it Lilith.”

“Man’s first wife.”

“And treated as such forevermore.”

“Lilith got a bad rap.”

“And so does Algol. The Romans called it Caput Larvae.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“It should. Guess what the Chinese called it.”

“I don’t speak Chinese.”

“Neither do I, but the translation is Piled-Up Corpses.”

It was cold in the prime focus, and Penny rubbed her hip into Mr. Venable’s crotch. She kept her eye on the piece and stared at a star.

“And then there’s the occult. Algol is mentioned in texts dating back to the 1500’s. It’s one of the Behenian Stars that align with the Zodiac. Saturn and Jupiter in particular. The big boys. Nothing magickal gets done without Algol.”

“Did you put a ‘k’ in magical?”

“No, of course not.”

“Just checking.”

The stars rotated above them so silently that they did notice.

“Homer wrote about it.”

“Happy and complimentary things?”

“Called it deformed and dreadful, and a sight of woe.”

Penny straightened up and put her hands on her hips.

“He should take that back.”

He laughed HAH! and smiled and kissed her, nodding his head.

“I completely agree. Blind bastard can’t get away with it.”

“It’s just rude, for one thing. And wrong. Algol’s not evil, it’s fascinating. I would understand if people were saying these terrible things about Antares, but not Algol.”

“What’s wrong with Antares?”

“Shoplifts.”

His collar was wide and she was wearing a denim work shirt that she bought at the Army/Navy store. At certain moments in fashion history, the rich and poor are on equal grounds because the hippest clothes are the cheapest clothes. These moments are immediately followed by designers recreating the cheap clothes at an absurd markup. The shirt was made for a man, and buttoned left over right. There was a soft pack of Marlboros in the breast pocket; she tasted like cigarettes when he kissed her, and he did not mind.

“This is the worst honeymoon I’ve ever been on,” Mr. Venable.

“Have there been many?”

“I wouldn’t say ‘many.'”

She poked him in the belly.

“Spill it.”

“Well, there was Stacia.”

“I knew there was something between you two.”

“I knew it was love when she told me it was. She’s so forceful.”

Penny searched his eyes.

“You are kidding, right?”

“You’re joking,” he said.

“I’ve been in this neighborhood six months. I don’t know everyone’s backstory.”

“They get filled in over time.”

“Tell me you weren’t married to Stacia.”

“Of course I wasn’t married to Stacia. Stacia doesn’t marry people, she bites them and throws them at trees.”

“I heard she got into the elementary school the other day.”

“She did. The lunchladies held her at bay while the children were evacuated. Their ladles as swords, trays as shields. They’re up for the Tyndale medal.”

Penny leaned her head in to kiss him and then pulled away, walked around the central console until it was between them. Mr. Venable looked into the eyepiece again. She fetched a cigarette from the pack without taking it out of her pocket. Dug around for her matches. FFT. PHWOO. It was 1969, and you were allowed to smoke around the scientific instruments. There was an ashtray in a shelf.

“Where should we go?”

“Victory Diner sounds fine,” Mr. Venable said.

“Honeymoon.”

“We can’t go to the Victory Diner for our honeymoon. There’s no pool.”

“I have time off in the summer.”

“That’s my busy time.”

“You do not have a busy time.”

“Nonsense. Just today, there were six people in the shop at once. Six! After they left, I had to lock up for a bit and nap.”

“Exhausting.”

“I was a sight of woe.”

Christ and His cross were carved out of oak. Just one piece, so that the Lord’s back flowed into the timbers that he was staked to. There were flaking chips in the varnish where His head met the wood. Jesus was glossy and brown just like the cross, all one color together because the Christ’s death is as necessary as His life: He was Life itself, and the crucifix was Death, and both were made from the same piece of oak that hung on the wall of Watt’s Dry Goods in C—–a City.

Watts had led Cannot Swim in from the door of the shop to stand below the Christ. The boy felt like he did in Here And There’s kotcha: overwhelmed and disastrous. Also: very high.

“This is Jesus. Jeeeee-sus. Can you fucking say Jesus?”

“Mr. Watts,” Talks To Whites said.

“Shut the fuck up. I’m talking to your boy here.”

Talks To Whites had one hand on the counter. There were soup bowls and lanterns and sacks of flour. There was soap, bar and flake, and hammers. Sewing needles and shovels, and lengths of rope and chain. A sign on the wall listed the prices of nails; they were sold by weight. Rolls of canvas and gingham leaned against each other in the corner. His other hand was in his pouch, where he kept his knife.

“This here is the Lord. King of fucking Kings, you understand? God. You understand God? Bet you got a fucking ton of ’em. This man right here? He’s a fucking man, He’s also God, and He’s the Son of God. He’s God, but God made him, so that means He made Himself. Jesus? He’s His own fucking father. I know you fucking savages don’t got any shit like that. Probably worship a fucking magic catfish or something.”

Cannot Swim stared at the man on the cross. He did not understand why the man was on the cross. It seemed uncomfortable.

“He came to save us and we betrayed him. For 30 pieces of silver, man betrayed their Lord, who loved them so very much. It’s a tragic fucking story of human degeneracy.”

Talks To Whites thought of his father. He always did when he came into C—–a City. The long walks there, silent mostly, and the walks back where his father would laugh and tell stories about his childhood and they would look forward to the feast that would be prepared for them. Talks To Whites’ father was good at doing impressions, and he would imitate all of the elders. Even Easy Life would laugh.

But on the way there, he was silent. Mostly.

“If you ever need to hit a White, then you need to kill him.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If you cannot run away and you need to attack a White, then kill him. Try to run away. If there is an altercation, run away. But if you cannot run away and need to fight, then you need to kill the White. Hide the body as best you can. Walk casually to the horse. Ride the horse casually out of town. Then you fucking run.”

“You are afraid of the Whites.”

“I am afraid of a place where no law applies to me. When we go to the White town, Pulaski law does not apply. Nor will we get the protections of their law.”

“Why?”

“I have told you why. Because they do not think we are humans. They do not believe we belong here.”

“Do they know we were here first?”

“Yes. It doesn’t seem to bother them.”

Talks To Whites’ father was dead now, and he had his hand on his knife in Watt’s Dry Goods. The windows were dirty, but the sun didn’t care; it came right on in.

“What the Christ offers,” Watts said to Cannot Swim, “is eternal fuckin’ salvation. That’s peace. Heaven. You worship Jesus, and after you die you live forever in peaceful fuckin’ clouds and everything’s real clean. Pussy’s free in heaven.”

Cannot Swim nodded like he was in someone else’s dream.

“And I have accepted the Lord’s light and love, you fuckin’ savage. It swells my heart and lays me to fuckin’ sleep at night. I sleep on a bed made of Jesus. This beautiful man…”

Watts stepped forward and placed his hand on Christ’s feet, leaving Cannot Swim standing behind him. The boy looked at his cousin. Talks To Whites shook his head back and forth. Cannot Swim nodded as if he understood, and then moved beside Watts and placed his hand on Christ’s feet, too. Talks To Whites closed his eyes and said very quietly,

“Motherfucker.”

“My daddy was a farmer,” Watts said. He put an arm around Cannot Swim, who, not knowing how to respond, put his arm around Watts. “The soil was pregnant with rocks ‘stead of corn. Mighty tree stumps littered his land. And my daddy ripped those roots from the ground. With his hands, dammit! The rocks came free one by one. My daddy had a back made out of railroads. And do you know what happened to my daddy?”

Cannot Swim did not know what was happening at all.

“Same thing that happens to every daddy. Goat bit him, and it got infected and he died. Before he went, he gave me this crucifix. My daddy made it with his own strong hands. The Christ is my birthright.”

The crucifix was actually purchased in Philadelphia. Jasper Watt needed luck, he figured. The overland route was a hard one. He had a wagon full of supplies to start a dry goods concern. The crucifix was, indeed, lucky right up until Zeke Harbor murdered him a few miles outside  C—-a City, and stole his dry goods and identity.

“The Christ is all of our birthright, you grass-eating fuckin’ monkey. Even the Indian can know Him. Even fuckin’ you!”

Watts, whose name was not Watts, laughed and it sounded like an engine run without oil. Cannot Swim laughed, too. This was all very funny on one level. Talks To Whites was located on a different level, one with no laughter whatsoever; he had his hand on his knife.

“The throat. Don’t stab them. Might hit a rib, your knife bounces off. Then, he’s yelling. Whole point is to be quiet and get the fuck out of there before anyone notices you,” Talks To Whites’ father told him years ago.

“Cut their throat?”

“Cut it, sure. Jam your knife right into it as hard as you can. Whatever. You just have to sever the vocal chords. Got a knife in the chest, you could still call out. Throat’s cut? You’re quiet.”

The father and son walked their horse through the redwoods and pines.

“You know I’m talking about a last resort, right?”

“Well, obviously.”

“Watch your tone.”

“Sorry.”

Talks To Whites thought his father an old man, and very wise. He was only 26, and scared.

Now Talks To Whites was 16, and he was scared. Hand on knife. Neutral expression on face. He looked around the shop casually for someplace to hide the body. Watts spun around. His grip tightened, and Watts said,

“Four rifles. 500 rounds. Under one condition.”

“What?”

“Your boy here’s getting fuckin’ baptized.”

“Okay.”

Watts grinned and hugged Cannot Swim close to him. The boy still had not clue, but he was smiling and everything in the store was shining and breathing for him. He could see the blades of the shovels dip, and straighten up; dip, and straighten up; he smiled some more and his cousin caught his eye.

“Yo,” Talks To Whites said in the Pulaski language.

“Hey, cuz.”

“You wanna help?”

“Totally.”

“The little asshole’s gonna pour some water on you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.”

Talks To Whites said to Watts in English,

“Praise the Lord.”

A pitcher full of water behind the counter. Poured into a metal cup and Cannot Swim bends his head down on the sidewalk outside Watts’ Dry Goods. The water is not cool but still feels good on his scalp, and he is back in the Pulaski village standing beside the lake. He is naked and the moon has fucked off but the world is lit up like noon by the fires behind him. There is a figure on the other bank, a man on a horse with too many teeth, and he nudges the animal to walk away. Now he is alone and everything is green, and everything grows. The water on his scalp feels good.

Watts stood him up, and hugged him, and said,

“Brother. You are reborn in the Christ! Say hallelujah!”

Cannot Swim could not say hallelujah.

“Say Jesus!”

Cannot Swim could try to say Jesus.

“Jeee-tzus.”

Watts beady eyes lit up.

“The Lord has granted you wisdom, you Indian cocksucker!”

“Jee-tzus.”

“Jesus!”

“Jee-tzus!”

“Jesus!”

Talks To Whites leaned against the wall of the store. He stared up at the sky and muttered,

“Jesus.”

The rifles were tied to one side of the pack-saddle, and the ammo was on the other. Easy Life clopped along sullenly. The two boys were headed east, and the sun was behind them and so was C—-a City. They would reach the brook that marked their turn south before night came, and then they would walk for a few hours in the dark until they were sure no one had followed them. Their shadows were long, and trudged behind them in exhaustion.

“I should not have come,” Cannot Swim said.

“No. I shouldn’t have brought you. But you did help.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Me either, to be honest. But you did.”

They walked on for a mile or so without speaking.

“Who is Jee-tzus?”

“He’s the guy on that cross.”

“He is a god?’

“He is a god.”

“And the thing with the water?”

“Long story. You did a good job, cousin.”

They walked another mile.

“I do not want to go back there ever again,” Cannot Swim said.

“It is a sight of woe,” Talks To Whites answered.

The two boys made camp after that. They built no fire and took the pack-saddle off of Easy Life. The horse wandered gently and nibbled on bushes until he found the tastiest one. In the morning, they would rise before the sun and make their way towards the Segovian Hills. The pass was untamed but they knew the way. By nightfall, they would be home and with their families in the land that would one day be Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Cats And Dogs In Little Aleppo

Emergency and Kischka were not getting along. The Reverend Arcade Jones had bought Emergency as a puppy from a motel proprietor in Jeremiad Springs. Fifty bucks. Reverend thought it was the best fifty bucks he ever spent, especially because it was the church’s money and no one ever asked him for reimbursement. He was a tiny little quivering thing, but so damned friendly. Fit right in Arcade’s ample palm. Puppies grow up quick, and Emergency was just about full-grown now. He was dog-sized. Some dogs are as big as horses, or small as rats; Emergency was the size of a dog. He had a short coat that was rust-colored in some lights, dirty-blond in others. Floppity ears, and he did not loll his mouth open with his tongue draped out when he walked around, instead jutting his bottom lip up like he was contemplating a big purchase. Emergency was a thoughtful looking dog, unless he was gnawing on his own leg. It is difficult to look thoughtful while gnawing on your own leg.

The Reverend was getting along just fine with Emergency. They were inseparable except for in the actual church part of the First Church of the Infinite Christ. Can’t have dogs wandering around during the service, the Reverend thought. He didn’t know whether that was hippie bullshit or white people bullshit, but there were not gonna be any dogs roaming about while he was giving his sermon. Emergency stayed in the offices, and upstairs in Arcade’s apartment under the belfry. (The belfry contains the church’s bell, which is named the Calling Judge and is ten feet in diameter. It begins its hourly duties at 8 am, but Arcade is always downstairs and into his day by then. Emergency tried to sleep in one time; the Reverend warned him. When the bell tolled, the dog shot five feet straight into the air and down the stairs and he was whimpering under Arcade’s feet for the rest of the day. Emergency was an early-riser after that.)

There was as much training as there was spoiling, and Emergency was a spoiled animal. Congregants bought toys for him, and the Reverend taught him to put them all in his box at the end of the day. Locals stopped to fawn over him on the Main Drag, and the Reverend taught him to shake hands like a gentleman. Unless it was raining, they walked to the Verdance every day with a chewed-up Nerf football. Emergency only knew one pattern, the fly, but he ran it like a Hall-of-Famer: Arcade would boom HUTHUTHIKE and he would go shooting across the grass of the Grand Lawn, looking back over his shoulder every ten paces; the Reverend would take a five-step drop and SAAAAAAAIL that gnawed ball high and arcing towards where the dog might be, and he always was; he would twist around 360 in the air while still going forward and not lose a step with the ball now in his mouth and then he would make a sharp corner back to where the Reverend was and give the ball back and his ass would quiver until he heard that magic sound HUTHUTHIKE and off once more. The Reverend was considering teaching Emergency how to run a buttonhook.

Heel was the best one. Sit was important, and down was vital, but heel was the best command there was. Heel meant “Walk with me.” Partner up. Arcade had one of those leashes with the long, retractable leads and all he had to do was say “Heel!” and Emergency would be there under his right hand, matching his pace. The dog picked up commands quickly, and Arcade knew that he no longer needed to praise her for heeling, but he did anyway. Arcade liked telling him he was a good dog.

And he was. Emergency was not just a good dog, but a very good dog. Yes, he was; yes, he was. He chewed up only that which was designated as chewable, and he pooped outdoors every single time. (Except every 18 days, when it rained. Emergency would not leave the church when it rained even a tiny little bit. The Reverend tried carrying him out a couple times, but the dog went limp or spazzed out of his grasp or whined or any number of dog tricks; Arcade was wise enough to pick his battles, and just laid out newspaper after that.) He was gentle around babies, and tolerant around children, and boisterous around teenagers, and patient around old folks. Emergency was a good dog.

So he did not understand what he had done to deserve Kischka’s presence.

She was a mackerel tabby. Striped like a tiger, but gray and black instead of orange, and black fur in the shape of an M on her forehead between her eyes. Earnest Hubbs rescued her from the Hotel Synod as a kitten. His guy was in Room 312, which is the back. Enter through the glass doors on Clarke Street and nod to Frankie Teakettle behind the front desk and up two flights of steps–the elevators in the Synod were disloyal and worrisome–and down the hall to his guy. It was a regular appointment. Earnest Hubbs bought dope like Europeans buy groceries: just enough for the night. Friendly knock. Tap tap TAP tap. His guy took care of him. Buy four, get the fifth free. Fresh points. Addicts can trace their life through their guys. This one was all right, Earnest thought. Nice enough, but about business. Didn’t make you sit there and talk to him if you didn’t want to. He bought four bags, with the fifth free, and took three clean needles and thanked his guy and out the door and down the hall back to the stairs.

“Hello.”

Earnest had not seen the open door to his left. There was a woman with a shaved head and leather boots. She was holding a tiny kitten, a tabby.

“Hey,” Earnest said.

“I’m gonna kill this. This little fucker. I’m gonna kill it.”

The woman had tan eyes. Color of khaki, wheat, sand. A sharp nose and a kitten in her hand.

“Don’t do that.”

“Gonna.”

“Why?”

“We’re past ‘why?’ We’re so far past that.”

There were seven or eight people in the room behind the woman, as Earnest could count. They were engaged in acts. The kitten was barely weaned, and still had sleepy and trusting eyes. It yawned. Tiny fangs flashed.

“Gonna kill the little fucker,” the woman said, and she smiled.

Earnest shot his hand out and snatched up the kitten by its scruff before she could move, and then the animal was cradled against his chest and he stared in the woman’s tan eyes.

“Yeah, fuck you. Go back to your fucking devil orgy.”

She did; the door shut. The hallway of the Hotel Synod was quiet, and shabby. Earnest could hear typing coming from behind the door of the corner suite. He walked down the raggedy carpet to the stairs, and out of the lobby onto Clarke Street, and north on the Main Drag, and west onto Rose Street and down the stairs to his basement apartment in the synagogue of Torah, Torah, Torah where he was the handyman; he fixed, and then he had a cat. She (Earnest had looked) did not seem bothered by her travails. She was, in fact, dead asleep on his pillow. If a person had done that, Earnest would have stabbed their ass, but he just sat in his chair and stared and cooed.

“Kischka. You gonna be called Kischka,” he said to the napping kitty. Earnest liked Jew food. Rabbi Levy had told him not to call it “Jew food” in public, and so he didn’t, but he still thought of it as Jew food. Pastrami and tongue and kippered salmon. Challah bread slathered in spicy purple horseradish. Kugel and knishes and kasha varnishkas. Kreplach. And kischka, too. Rabbi Levy asked him why he named the cat Kischka.

“Love me some kischka,” Earnest answered.

And he loved him some Kischka. She had free reign in the temple. The first pew got direct sun in the morning, and she would stretch out on the dark-blue padding and snooze. In the afternoons, the light came into the rabbi’s office, and she would nap in there while he prepared his sermon or argued with his brother-in-law. Kischka avoided the Hebrew School classes and services. Once a day, she patrolled the front yard in between the synagogue and Rose Street. There were neatly-maintained bushes and two lemon trees, one on either side of the path leading to the door. She sniffed at them, marked them, clawed them. They were her trees. Once in a while, she’d kill a wren. She would bring it inside for Earnest. He was terrible at catching wrens; she had never seen him do it once. Kischka had her synagogue and her yard and her trees.

And then she didn’t.

Moving can be traumatic for people, but it’s catastrophic for cats. Kischka had just got Torah, Torah, Torah smelling the way she wanted it to when the building burned down. It was the only home she’d ever known, and now she was cast out into the wilderness. Ostracized like Themistocles, Kischka did not think because she was a cat. That her new home in the First Church of the Infinite Christ was right down the street–you could see the ruins of the temple from the church’s front yard–did not matter. Cats have different senses of geography than humans. There is home, and then there is the void. Kischka spent the first four days in his new digs hiding under Earnest’s dresser.

(Believers from up and down Rose Street donated to Earnest Hubbs after the fire. New furniture and clothes. Several broadswords, for some reason.)

When Kischka finally emerged, she was pissed. This is not, she thought, my beautiful house. From the apartment, she padded into the basement proper, where there were chairs and tables and an old rickety piano. 12-step literature on the walls, which Kischka did not read; she was not a drinker. Absolutely nothing smelled the way it should. There was, however, a mouse. She took out her frustrations on it for far longer than was necessary. Naive liberals often castigate their own kind by saying that humans are the only animal to be willfully cruel; they had never watched Kischka with a mouse. She let it almost escape time and time again. When she got bored, she slammed it on the linoleum with her paw, sank her fangs into its neck, pulled. She ripped the mouse open and ate its liver and lungs, left the bloody rest laying there.

Up the stairs. Her tail pointed down to make herself a smaller visible target, and her head was snaking low. Full pupils to take in everything. A large room with a high ceiling, just like in the synagogue, but different. Raised platform on one side, pews in the middle. Same as the synagogue, mostly. Color scheme was all wrong. Some sort of statue of a man with his arms out floating above the stage. Kischka did not recognize him. She sniffed at a pew and did not smell any other cats, so she rubbed herself along the edge and then it was hers. The pew behind it, and the one behind that. It took Kischka around an hour to make the church hers. Naturally, this exhausted her and she lay down under the statue of the floating man that she did not recognize and slept.

“Hrroooooooo. Hrrroooooooo.”

“Why are you whining, Goofydog?”

The Reverend Arcade Jones sometimes called Emergency “Goofydog.” Other names the Reverend called him were Handsome Man and Mookie and Spaz and Sweetie Sweetums and Jerry Rice. (When Emergency made a particularly good snag when they were playing catch, the Reverend called him Jerry Rice. Emergency liked it when he got called that. It meant he did something good, and he liked to be good.)

“Hrroooooo.”

“What?”

Emergency did not know how Arcade could not smell that. An odd, unwelcome, and new scent. From the place he was not supposed to go. It was a small and prickly smell, and–most importantly–it was a smell that was not supposed to be there, An interloping smell. It was so strong! How can he not smell this? the dog asked himself. It was one of those things, Emergency thought. He had seen them in windows when they went on walks through the neighborhood. Or on front yards for a second before they went diving into bushes and under porches. Kinda dog-shaped, but not? You know: those things. Jesus, man, can you really not smell that fucker?

“Hrrrrrooooooooooooo.”

“Go! Out! If you’re gonna be weird, then get out.”

The Reverend pointed towards the door. Dogs understand pointing. We made them, so they understand pointing. Emergency left the office, and the Reverend Arcade Jones sat there with Mrs. Fong.

“I admire the way you work with the youth, Reverend.”

“That was my dog, Mrs. Fong.”

“In my day, boys like that were sent into the Army. Toughened them up.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Or killed them. Either way: no more whining.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Emergency was a good dog, and good dogs know the rules. Here is for you, but there is not. To go there is to be bad, and Emergency did not want to be bad. He was a good dog. Still: that smell. That curious and out-of-place smell that did not belong and had not been here before. It was coming from the place he was not supposed to go. Emergency stood outside the office, on the precipice of the nave, shivering with confusion and desire. He looked back at the open door. Arcade was not looking. He crept towards the smell. Looked back again, then towards the smell, then back, and then he lowered himself into a crouch and moved towards that odor that was by now his entire universe: what the FUCK was that smell, man!? And who said it could be here?

He pawed up the left side of the church and up the two steps the raised platform called the bema and there it was. There was the smell. Gray and black and sprawled on its side. He had seen these things before, but never met one. Dogs can walk very quietly on carpeted floor, and he did, so the cat was still asleep when Emergency was right over her.

Kischka had never encountered a dog. They had passed on the sidewalk in front of Torah, Torah, Torah and she had watched them through the windows. A few times, she had been in the front yard when they came by; she dove into a bush or under the porch.

WHAMPWHAMPWHAMP the cat slapped the dog on his muzzle the second she opened her eyes. She ran downstairs and back under the dresser; he scampered back into the office and hid under the Reverend’s legs making scared little noises like,

“Broo broo broo.”

The Reverend Arcade Jones looked down and said,

“You met the cat, huh?”

And then there was a studied détente. Kischka lounged wherever she felt like, and Emergency took whatever was left. He stuck close to the Reverend. Kischka allowed Earnest to stroke her, sometimes, and other times did not. Cats and dogs lived together if they had to, and they chose to, in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America

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