Who gets kicked?
Brett Kavanaugh It’s Cavanaugh. With a ‘C.’ And it’s a Woman’s Right to Bodily Autonomy. With a “None of your fucking business, you generic white cocksucker.” Jesus, get something right, asshole.
England Why have you not dragged Boris Johnson from his home and ripped him to bloody shreds in the street? Guy Fawkes did waaaaaay less damage than this butterball bastard, and you hanged him. (FUN FACT: Guy Fawkes wasn’t executed. He fell off the gallows and broke his neck while waiting for the rope. Do you think the muckety-mucks tried to get out of paying the executioner? I bet that they did.)
Whoever the motherfucker who tweeted that bullshit about “Hey, you know what? Trump’s gonna be great for punk rock, maaaaaaaaan.” Fuck you until you split in half, person whose name I can’t remember.
Billy Dee Williams’ parents What’s Billy Dee Williams’ real name? His legal name. His Christian name. What is it? I’ll wait for you to catch up.
…
That’s right: Ma and Pa Williams named their dashing son William Williams. Don’t do that shit to children. Richard Richardson, Kelly Kelly, Phil Phillips…just don’t. Very rarely does someone laden with such a dopey sobriquet end up administrating a mining facility high above Bespin.
That Asshole Soccer Coach Now that everyone’s safe: that dumb fuck should be in jail. Don’t bring Thai children into caves. That’s the second rule of coaching soccer. First rule: make a schedule for whose mom brings the orange slices. Second rule: do not herd your team several kilometers into a cave.
Literally Everyone at the New York Times I want to set up a big slide–like the ones at local carnivals that you ride down on a burlap sack–except at the end of the slide is just a brick wall covered in broken glass and Sriracha sauce, and then ride all the Times employees down it. I would sit on Bret Stephens’ back and down we go–WHEEEEE–and at the end PLONPH! right into the glass and Sriracha. Then I’d roll him over to the side and bounce happily back up the stairs where it’s Maggie Haberman’s turn.
The World Cup It just won’t fucking end.
All These Civility Numbnuts At what point do we take the streets and start setting people on fire in front of their families? When precisely does Mookie throw the garbage can through the window of the pizzeria? Because my asshole is getting sore.
Who gets kissed?
Rachel The transwoman that Lou Reed married in the 70’s. People were low and cruel to her, Lou included. The internet says you died of AIDS, Rachel; the internet says you went back to Philly. Wherever you are, Rachel, I hope Lester Bangs isn’t there.
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