VIRTUAL GAVEL NOISE!
“Okay, I call this hearing of the House Oversight Committee to order. Most of us are here via Zoom today, so I have to ask everyone to remember to mute their mics when they’re not speaking. Let’s not have a repeat of what happened at the weekly meeting.”
“Screw you, Chairwoman Maloney!”
“Settle down, Jordan.”
“I won’t be bullied! I won’t be accused of falsehoods and non-factorials!”
“We all heard you yelling at your kids. I’ll never forget it, quite frankly.”
“WE WERE REHEARSING A PLAY!”
“No one believes that. I’m moving forward. The Oversight Committee assembles today to question Mr. Louis DeJoy, Postmaster General of the United States. There have, recently, been troubling changes within the Postal Service leading to slowdowns in mail delivery. With the election coming up, and so many Americans voting via the mail, Congress has a clear interest in getting to the bottom of the problem. Thank you for joining us, Mr. DeJoy.”
“Thank you for having me, Chairwoman Maloney. I look forward to a frank and open exchange of views.”
“Oh, goody. The Chair recognizes Katie Porter.”
“Thank you, Madame Chairwoman. Mr. DeJoy, how much is a stamp?”
“You’re not even gonna say ‘Hi?'”
“Answer the question, please.”
“Very rude, young lady.”
“Mr. DeJoy, how much is a stamp?”
“I know how much a car costs. Ask me how much a car costs.”
“Do you know or not?”
“How do you quantify ‘knowing?’ It’s a riddle for the ages.”
“Last chance, sir. How much is a stamp?”
“Whatever the market will bear?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Basic economic theory sides with me, Congresslady.”
“Congressperson. Or Congresswoman.”
“Really? I had always heard ‘Congressady.’ It rolls off the tongue.”
“Mr. DeJoy, are you taking these hearings seriously?”
“Yeah, sure, of course.”
“There are also reports of massive slowdowns in mail service. It’s taking longer and longer for Americans to get and receive mail.”
“Yes. True. I blame the trucks.”
“What now?”
“The trucks. Have you seen them? They’re not aerodynamic, like, at all. Impossible to go fast in them. You bought us some Corvettes, we could get everybody their bills and pills a lot quicker.”
“The trucks are not the problem, sir.”
“They’re not the solution, either. The fire department gets cool trucks. Why can’t we have some?”
“Mr. DeJoy.”
“Shit, the cops have tanks.”
“Mr. DeJoy.”
“Buy us some tanks and I’ll fix the Post Office.”
…
“That is, quite simply, the least ethical, moral, or legal statement I have ever heard another human being utter.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying.”
OLD-SCHOOL “SHOCKER” GIF POPPING UP ON EVERYONE’S SCREENS NOISE
“Who the hell did that?”
“I did, Madam Chair! Jimmy Jordan hacked democracy!”
“Knock it off!”
“Noob.”
“Shut up. It’s your turn to ask questions.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna ask ’em good. General DeJoy, good morning. Do I salute you?”
“I’m not a general general.”
“Do you outrank the Surgeon General?”
“Dunno.”
“Could you take him?”
“Physically?”
“Bingo.”
“Dunno. He’s a pretty big guy.”
“Man’s a heavyweight. Probably the most powerful Surgeon General we’ve ever had. C. Everett Koop wouldn’t have stood a chance against him.”
“Nosireebob.”
“Gosh, I like you. Generalissimo DeJoy, what kind of people mail stuff?”
“Mongrels, and those unworthy of love. The impure by birth. Suffragettes and rabble-rousers. Low people.”
“Yuck.”
“Yeah. Yuck people. And why deal with them? Shutting down the Post Office is a favor to those types. What’s in their mailboxes? Opiates and pamphlets about Bolshevism. They’ll thank us.”
“They will! They’ll thank us!”
“Yay!”
“Yay!”
“YAY!”
“YAAAAAAAY!”
VIRTUAL GAVEL NOISE!
“Cut it out! Stop it! Mr. Jordan, your time is up.”
“Your butt is up.”
“Nice, real nice. The Chair now recognizes–”
LIGHTING RIG DESCENDING NOISE
“–from New York’s Fightin’ 14th…the Bronx Brawler–”
SOCIALLY-DISTANCED FIREWORKS ERUPTING NOISE
“–the Queen of Queens…we have no choice but to stan…Alexandria Ocasio-COOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRteeeeeeezzzzzz!”
ELVIS’ THEME MUSIC PLAYING NOISE
“Thank you, Madam Chairwoman. Thank you very much. Mr. DeJoy, I have several questions.”
“Huh. That’s not gonna work for me. I’ve only got two answers, and one of them is ‘Dunno.'”
“Mr. DeJoy, we have heard disturbing reports of mail-sorting machines being removed from postal facilities, adversely affecting delivery time. Is this true?”
“Sure. You remove a sorting machine, everything takes longer. True as hell.”
“What I’m asking about is whether you have removed the machines.”
“Me? No. Those things are heavy, and I’m rich. I don’t lift stuff like that.”
“Did you give the order to do it?”
“Ohhhhh. I thought you meant, like, did I get a handtruck and wheel the machines out to the dumpster.”
“No.”
“Makes a lot more sense. That wouldn’t be an efficient use of the boss’ time.”
“Sir, did you order the removal of the sorting machines?”
“Yes. But I had very good reasons.”
“Such as?”
“Some mail-sorting machines–and this came as a shock to me, too–are haunted. Full of boojums and gobbledyhogs. You get more than one of those in a location and you’re looking at a full-out poltergeist situation. They will team up on you!”
“None of that is true.”
“Some are commies.”
“I’m sorry, did you just accuse mail-sorting machines of subscribing to a political philosophy?”
“I have a list! I have a list of mail-sorting machines with Communist sympathies!”
“May we see it?”
“I don’t have it on me.”
“Why were the machines removed, sir?”
“We didn’t ‘remove’ them. We took them outside. Imagine a a cocker spaniel spent its entire life inside a cramped government building. You’d want that cocker spaniel to go outside, wouldn’t you?”
“Not a great analogy.”
“I disagree. Best analogy ever.”
“Disgustedly, I yield my time.”
VIRTUAL GAVEL NOISE!
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