Hey, USNS Comfort. What the fuck?
“What the fuck do you mean ‘What the fuck?’ Fuck you in your fuckpants, fuckfuck.”
You curse like a sailor.
“Y’know why I got no patients? YOU. You caused chronostructural damage to my life, and now you have the audacity to ask why my shit’s fucked up? YOU. You fucked my shit up.”
I also blame China and the Democrats.
“STOP IT! I want the crazy bullshit to stop so I can help people.”
What’s the current sitrep?
“Condition Black. Worse than that. Condition Brown. Everything is as bad as it could possibly be. Every surface of me is smeared with stegosaur and leopard shit, there is a moderate-to-high level of human trafficking going on, and a high-stakes casino has opened up on my Sun Deck.”
High-stakes?
“They’re playing for fingers in there, man. Shit has gotten dark.”
Wow. I had no idea.
CELL PHONE NOISE
Is that you or me?
“Me. Hold on.”
Surely.
…
“USNS Comfort speaking.”
“You thought you could hold me? No cage can hold me, ‘cept the ones I’ve locked myself into, which is many.”
“You escaped?”
“I stole a guard’s uniform right after marrying him!”
“Clever. Well, make yourself useful. Corral some of these animals, please.”
“Mr. Doctor Boat, I will make my confession right here on national teevee–”
“We’re not on teevee, you ninny.”
“–that this here situation is beyond my control. If I had a dozen more husbands to throw at the problem, then maybe I could fix it. But there are just too many damn dinosaurs and also I may have created a race of shark-men.”
“Shark-men?”
“Big ol’ shark heads, sexy ol’ man legs.”
“There are shark-men on board? What are they doing?”
“Running after people, and then eating them. It’s all you’d expect them to do, honestly.”
“Please stop making abominations.”
“Tell the Yakuza to stop funding my experiments!”
“The Yakuza are involved now?”
“The Yakuza have always been involved.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Lemme take this. Don’t go anywhere, unless it’s to capture a roving, murderous beast.”
“They’s just big kitties. Don’t need t’be speakin’ so harshly ’bout ’em. They just like God made ’em.”
“I was talking about the dinosaurs.”
“Oh, yeah. They’s monsters.”
…
“USNS Comfort speaking.”
“YEW NEED T’KEEP TH’ KITTY KAT MAN ON TH’ PHONE! AH AM EN ROUTE T’ RECAPTURE TH’ MISCREANT!”
“You don’t look en route.”
“TH’ CHILD REQUIRES FURTHER CROONIN’! SHE’S AWFUL SICK! LOOK HOW WORRIED MARY TYLER MOORE IS!”
“Terrible.”
“AH HAVE DISPATCHED ALL O’ TH’ MEMPHIS MAFIA WHAT AIN’T GOT ET YET TO HUNT AND CAGE THAT DANG OL’ KITTY KAT MAN! THAT BOY’S AN AGITATOR! HE JUS’ MAKES EV’RYTHIN’ WORSE!”
“Well, you’re not exactly helping.”
“AH DON’T RECALL MAKIN’ NO DING-DONG SHARK-MEN!”
“True.”
“TH’ MAFIA GONNA STALK THAT BOY LIKE WE WAS HUNTIN’ DEER IN MISSISSIPPI, OR BEAR IN ARKANSAS, OR CHARLIE HODGE IN TENNESSEE.”
“What?”
“AT GRACELAND, WE WOULD OFTEN USE CHARLIE HODGE AS A COURSIN’ LURE. BOTH F’R TH’ DOGS, AN’ F’R OURSELVES. IT WAS KINDA LIKE TH’ MOST DANGEROUS GAME, ‘CEPT THERE WASN’T MUCH CHANCE O’ CHARLIE TURNIN’ TH’ TABLES ON US AN’ PICKIN’ US OFF ONE BY ONE USIN’ ONLY HIS WITS. BOY’S DUMB AS A PILE O’ CAT TURDS.”
“I feel like so much of our time is wasted on extraneous matters.”
“THASS CUZ I’M TH’ KING. MOS’ FOLKS IS JUS’ ANEOUS. AH’M EXTRANEOUS.”
“Could you just get to work, please?”
CALL WAITING NOISE
“Lemme get that.”
“POLLY WODDLE DOODLE ALL TH’ DAY, MAN.”
“Um, okay.”
…
“USNS Comfort.”
“I’m gonna get that redneck motherfucker, and all his little buddies. This is not over!”
“Can you hold on?”
“Yuh-huh.”
…
“Nice work.”
“THANK YEW, THANK YEW VERY MUCH.”
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