Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: matt busch

Everybody Said They’d Stand Beside Me When The Game Got Rough

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Well, if I’m honest, I’m stewing. Just, uh, mad as hell.”

Why?

“I flew all this way and I’m not even on the roster. Not saying I should start or anything, but I’m ready to come off the bench for my Chiefs.”

Different Chiefs, Bobby.

“Not the Tamalpais Chiefs?”

No. Kansas City.

“Ah.”

Besides, you don’t have the right shoes.

“No, no. These sandals have spikes on ’em.”

Really?

“Sure. The carpet in the luxury suite looks like it had smallpox.”

Okay. You get to hang out with any famous people?

“Ran into Joe Montana.”

How was that?

“Like talking to Walton, but you don’t get as bad of a neck cramp.”

Sounds right.

“And I got to meet the young lady who’s doing the half-time show. I think her name is Shipoopi.”

Shakira.

“No, that’s a Jewish holiday. The Dead never scheduled shows that night because the place would be half-empty.”

The woman’s name is Shakira, Bobby. She’s Colombian.

“Was she the one with all the hippos?”

That was Pablo Escobar.

“Shaniqua?”

Shakira.

“Sharkattack?”

Shakira.

“Not a large gal. I could fit her in my fanny pack and wouldn’t even have to move anyone’s stash.”

Petite frame on her.

“Y’couldn’t cast her as Red Sonja I’ll tell you that.”

Four On The Floor

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Well, I’m not scowling.”

That’s big for you when you’re getting your picture taken.

“I knew you’d appreciate the gesture.”

Is Jackie Greene related to Benicio del Toro?

“I have no idea who either of those people are.”

Jackie Greene is the person to your right who isn’t your wife or Matt Busch.

“Is that who that is?”

Yes.

“I thought it was Steph Curry.”

No.

“Then why did he sign my basketball?”

The Elusion Of Peace

“One, two, three, four–”

DON’T YOU DO IT, MOTHERFUCKER!

“–I declare a Rando War.”

Goddammit. Rando War is like the herpes of this site. So it makes sense you’re responsible.

“I don’t have herpes.”

Lie to randos, Josh, not me. You have at least one of every herpe. You collect watches, clothes, and herpes. You’re like that seed bank in Norway, but for herpes.

“I can’t hear you. I’m winning Rando War.”

“Rando War back on? We’re in.”

“Look at these randos! We got four. Beat that, Meyers!”

“Yeah, beat–”

“SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO, NEW BRENT!”

“Not in front of the randos, Mick.”

“You wanna keep flapping your gums, boy? You’re getting clogged!”

PERCUSSIONIST CHASING KEYBOARDIST WITH A PAIR OF ATTACK CLOGS NOISE

“Are, uh, we doing a Rando War?”

Bobby, that’s your family.

“Ah.”

Doesn’t count.

“Well, you know, they’re randos to somebody. Like Doctor J.”

What about Doctor J?

“He’d consider both women to be randos. He’d, uh, probably be nice to ’em ’cause they’re pretty, but they’d still be of the genusĀ rand. So, uh, pretend I’m Doctor J.”

Absolutely not.

“Remember that ball we used to use in the ABA? The red, white, and blue one? Stylish ball.”

Stop it. You are not Doctor J.

“Oh, yeah. I can slam that rock. Put that biscuit in the gravy.”

“Does Bobby think he’s Doctor J again?”

Who’s that?

Oh, hey: it’s Bobby’s Parish, Matt Busch.

“That’s not my job title.”

It’s not wrong, though.

“No. Anyway, does Bobby think he’s Doctor J again?”

Yes.

“Dammit. Ah, well, it’s better than when he thought he was Marvin ‘Bad News’ Barnes.”

I didn’t know Bobby was so into the ABA.

“He’s obsessed with failed sports leagues. The ABA, the USFL, that soccer league that had Pele for a while in the 80’s.”

Wow. Never would’ve guessed. Oh, yeah: what are you doing here?

“Rando War.”

That’s George R.R. Martin. He writes the books with the snow and the zombies and the castles and all that shit.

“Sure, but he’s a rando to someone.”

NO. Not entertaining this stupid argument anymore.

“I win Rando War.”

Yes, you do.

“I’m a dog now.”

Yes, you are.

Ready For The Feast

Was John Mayer not invited or did he have Celebrity Thanksgiving to attend?

OR

Why is Oteil not sitting with the rest of the band? Is it because he wore sweatpants on Thursday?

OR

Is Matt Busch wearing a fuckingĀ Islanders hoodie? Unacceptable, Matt Busch.

OR

“Who’s the youngest here?”

“Black Phil.”

“Thanks, Billy. Black Phil–”

“Oteil. My name is Oteil.”

“–will you read the Four Questions for us?”

“Wrong holiday, Bobby.”

Huggy Bears

Matt Busch watched. He stood and watched. Could not avert his eyes tho he begged to.

Move, feet. This is what Matt Busch told his feet and they did not listen. Turn, head.

There was a conspiracy against him. His body desired what his brain could not process.

A smell arose from the men. Lust and sweat and balls and ball powder. Close, nostrils. They would not. Small yips of pleasure came from the men. These intensified.

Matt Busch watched.

OR

“Uh, Phil?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“You’re really getting in there.”

“I’m just so happy, Bob.”

“Why?”

“Because social media didn’t exist while we were doing whatever the hell we wanted.”

“Ah.”

OR

Aww.

A Bus(c)h And A Mountain (And Trixie And Some Guitars And An Actual Mountain)*

“Could you guys gesture at the guitars?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Why?”

“Just try it once.”

“I dunno.”

“You sure?”

“Eh.”

“GESTURE AT THE FUCKING GUITARS!”

“Thank you.”

OR

Matt Busch, you are too skinny. Eat some potato chips and wash them down with melted butter.

OR

“Hey, Garcia, here’s your new guitar.”

“Put some bullshit behind the bridge.”

“Um, what kind of–”

“PUT SOME BULLSHIT BEHIND THE BRIDGE!”

“Okay.”

“And bring me some potato chips and melted butter.”

 

*Worst title ever? It’s up there. (Or down there, whichever.)

Our Father, Who Goes To Heaven, Hallowed By Thy Name

What do you think, Bobby? Best song with a man’s name in the title?

“Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Huh?

“Rhapsody Abramowitz. My publicist. Real tall fellow.”

Let’s move on. Whatcha doing?

“Paperwork. Being a fake priest is like being a cop: 95% paperwork.”

Why are you a fake priest now?

“Tax reasons.”

Bobby, you still have to pay taxes.

“Separation of fake church and state.”

Not a thing.

“My buddy Wesley Snipes says it is.”

Please do not take financial advice from Wesley Snipes. Why do you even know him?

“I was up for the part of Whistler in the Blade movies. Bastard Kristofferson snaked me out of the gig.”

You’d have killed it.

“You bet.”

Tell Jeff Chimenti that I see him back there.

“Who?”

New Brent.

“Ah. Will do.”

Bobby Goes To The Office

bobby office computer

“And what is, uh, this young lady here doing?”

“It’s called a job, Bob.”

“I’ve heard of those. Had a couple. Cowboy, rock star. Is she a cowboy or a rock star?”

“No, Bob.”

“Then I have no frame of reference. Also, I notice her lyric-screen is not on a microphone stand, but on the desk in front of her. And there’s no lyrics.”

“That’s a computer, Bob.”

“Super-computer? I know one of those. Good guy. Well, not a guy. Wall.”

“Just a regular computer.”

“Ah. And what are we watching?”

“Cat videos.”

“They’re scamps, kitties.”

OR

Bobby has now reached the point in his career that when he shows up at places, he is led around the room to look at stuff. Like the Pope, or Kim Jong-Un.

OR

Hey, Matt Busch. Whatcha doing?

“No.”

But–

“Fuck off.”

I just–

“Sell your bullshit elsewhere, twinkletits.”

Aw.

Can I steal “twinkletits?”

“No.”

Aw.

Company & Dead

Dead & Crew

Allow me to preface my silly little jokes with this: hail to the road crew. First in, last out, first blamed.

In no particular order:

  • If you asked someone to describe what this photo would look like before they saw it, they would have gotten it exactly right; nothing about this photo is a surprise.
  • Oh, wait: there’s a bunch of ladies.
  • They are hidden in the back.
  • Maybe the photographer is a bear, and all the women are menstruating, and the men are being chivalrous.
  • Beard guy.
  • Bald guy.
  • Bald guy who is maybe black.
  • Lady in red cocktail dress.
  • Matt Busch.
  • Other beard guy.
  • Waldo.
  • Harry Knowles.
  • Y’know, I think Bald Maybe Black Guy and Handsome Dan back there are the drivers for some reason–the two guys by Mrs. Donna Jean in the Stealie button-downs–and now I am fascinated by them and am starting to make up stories about them.
  • I will come up with better names, though.
  • And speaking on behalf of Mrs. Donna Jean: same shit, different century.