Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mickey hart (Page 27 of 71)

A Shoot In The Dark

The number of pictures taken of the Grateful Dead can be mathematically expressed as ∞-1. However, there weren’t that many actual photo shoots, where the whole band (whomever that applied to at the time) congregated and maybe even showered for the occasion.

Using the principles and practices of Without Research, let’s see how many I can get. Point out my mistakes, omissions, and character flaws in the Comment Section.

  • The one from ’77 where Phil wears a tie that I just posted about.
  • In front of the Holiday Inn where Brent wears the doofus hat.
  • ’76 in the park: Mickey in cocaine hat, Phil in headband.
  • Outside on the deck in 1971 or ’72 with Keith and Pig, but no Mrs. Donna Jean.
  • With Dylan.
  • Baron Wolman inside with the big flag.
  • First (?) photo shoot in the street with the light bouncing off their faces.
  • Phil with Fu Manchu, Garcia in pigtails; at the Portero and thereabouts in black and white.
  • Also ’67 or ’68: old-fashioned barber’s/dentist’s chair.
  • Cover shot for Go To Heaven (which there must be more pictures from besides the two floating around the innertubes, and I demand that someone send to me).
  • The one with Vince where Phil wears a tie-dyed Izod shirt.
  • Sometime in the 80’s and Bobby has a rose for some reason.
  • The one from around In the Dark that split up into duet photos.

Wow, that is actually not a lot. Every other band–literally every single other band in the history of bands–submits to full group photo shoots for every new project.

Goddamned recalcitrant malcontents

Stuck In The Middle With Keith

band 77 bw phil tie

I’ve seen other shots from this photo shoot (Phil Wears a Tie in ’77), but not this particular picture. It’s been a while since we’ve had a good group shot, and we shall get back to basics by going left to right.

  • Mickey wins.
  • That is the most fuckable Mickey’s hair has ever been.
  • Plus the hockey jersey/mustache combo: he looks like a the left-winger on the fighting line.
  • Sure, there’s a bit of coke-face going one, but still: Mickey wins.
  • What happened to the guy who used to own that tie?
  • Did Phil take it as a prize?
  • Phil’s hair also looks good, but not as good as Mickey’s; also, Phil has no mustache.
  • And he needs to stop looking at Mrs. Donna Jean like that.
  • And Mrs. Donna Jean needs to stop looking at Phil like that.
  • Garcia sees it.
  • Look at Garcia’s face.
  • I’ll wait.
  • …
  • Right?
  • There’s no culture in the world in which that expression doesn’t translate to “Goddammit, man.”
  • (Although neither Phil nor Garcia is wearing his glasses, so they might think they’re looking at each other.)
  • A rare L for Bobby.
  • Bobby usually wins the picture, but his starter beard can’t stand up to Mickey’s Doug Henning-style.
  • If Bobby’s ’77 beard used the Time Sheath to meet Bobby’s current beard, it would be in awe.
  • The real-life Billy has the liberal views you might expect from a Grateful Dead, but Billy’s face in this picture is voting for Trump.
  • Also, if Billy and Mickey tilted their heads to opposing sides, their mustaches would form parentheses around the Grateful Dead.
  • Oh, Keith.
  • You’ve seen some shit, haven’t you?

Radio Daze

F(s)oTotD David Gans and Gary Lambert had Young John Mayer as a guest on their Tales from the Golden Road show on Sirius/XM; he stayed for the whole two hours and Bobby even called in from vacation. You can listen here, but if you don’t have the time, then here’s some of what we learned from YJM, with a guest appearance from OBW.

  • Went through three different bandana wranglers during the tour.
  • Engaged to Jon Lovitz.
  • Still has not met Jeff Chimenti, but has heard great things.
  • Through regression therapy, John Mayer has realized that in a past life, he was the ladder used in the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.
  • The Earthroamer still smells; also, Billy stole the engine.
  • Convinced that this is the Orioles’ year.
  • Speaking of baseball, John Mayer brought a bat into the studio and smacked it into his palm whenever David or Gary asked a question he didn’t appreciate.
  • The Cartier Rotonde de Cartier Astromystérieux was hands-down the sensation of the Salon International de la Haute Horlogerie, but the Panerai Lo Scienziato was a close second; never underestimate an angled tourbillon regulator.
  • Was at a big fancy Hollywood party the other day and got to sloppy second with Shailene Woodley.
  • Interrupted the interview five times to ask his Instagram followers to click that thing in the upper right corner; Gary Lambert reminded him they were on the radio; John swung the baseball bat at him.
  • Not only revealed that his penis was nicknamed “The Sloppy Jalopy,” but also explained the origin of the name. (Leaks oil.)
  • A fan of the tried-and-true radio bit, Young John Mayer made a few phony phone calls, but they were all to Katy Perry and they all ended in tears.
  • “Hello? Hi? This is, um, Bobby from Marin. Am I on the air? Wow, cool. Anyway: long-time caller, first-time listener. Could you play some Jimmy Buffett for my wife, Natasha Monster?”
  • “No, Bobby, this is Tales from the–“
  • “Dammit, I forgot to say the Phrase That Pays.”
  • And so on.
  • John Mayer is seriously contemplating getting off that fence and going Full Kimono.
  • Billy had a miniaturized tactical nuke implanted into his brain before the tour started; it detonates if the tempo goes above a certain bpm, and that’s why everything’s so slow.
  • Running out of excuses to give Mickey regarding the late night hotel drum sessions.

Rejected Grateful Dead Hot Wheels Toys

  • Pig’s 1968 Ford Cortina.
  • The hearse the drummers stole after seeing Ghostbusters.
  • Creepy Ernie’s van.
  • Garcia’s 7-series land yacht.
  • Three semi-trucks with a build-a-figure Wall of Sound in the trailers.
  • Mickey’s sports racer Porsche 911* with authentic tour-cancellin’ crash damage.
  • Phil’s Lotus with lifelike electrical problems and sporadically functioning pop-up headlights.
  • The ice cream trucks that Wake of the Flood was supposed to be sold from.
  • The Bolo bus, which has a john and seats that face front. (With removable Pig in the back seat.)
  • The Bozo bus, which has a refrgierator and some of the seats installed facing back to accomodate four tables.
  • Parish’s Trans-Am.
  • One of those thunderously armored military mineclearing vehicles with the chain flails on the front.
  • This thing:
  • [PDF] Made in India military
  • But with Dead bullshit all over it.
  • Tom Constanten’s Geo Metro.
  • The Fast Motherfucker, an experimental rocket car that Alembic took to the Bonneville Salt Flats and then for some reason let Mickey drive.
  • The Earthroamer.
  • Pig’s Triumph motorcycle.
  • Big-Dicked Sheila’s Miata.
  • The Econoline van that took the band from the venue to the hotel, complete with individualized snacks and beverages.
  • A glazier’s truck, but the windowpanes are, like, windowpanes.
  • Maaaaan.
  • Whatever the fuck this thing is:
  • beetle camper
  • That sucker would drive itself to a Dead show.
  • You could just want to go to the store, but if there were a Dead show going on, then that was where you were going.
  • The doors would lock you in, gears would shift themselves.
  • Keith and Mrs. Donna Jean’s BMWs that you could crash into each other in the Front Street Parking Lot Playset. (Sold separately.)
  • Sewage truck hauling away doody from Watkins Glen.
  • Lillian Monster’s Tesla racecar.
  • Ned Lagin’s Saab.

*Lost Live Dead and Hooterollin’ Around‘s Corry provides this link with additional information and an utterly ridiculous quote from Mickey.

You Better Head Back To Tennessee, Comrade

A commenter named Jason over at Dead.net takes a break from accusing David “24 Hours Of” LeMieuxns of things to post this:

Dead show in Soviet Era Moscow???

I can’t find it in the show list, and want to fact check my story.

In 1977 I took a quarter off from school (Berkeley) and accompanied my father on a State-Department sponsored visit to Dirty-War-era Argentina. Our host was the Cultural Attache, which, he explained, was usually translated in South America as “La Cia.” He winked.

He told me that a previous posting had been in Moscow, and he had been part of a team that got the Dead to do a concert there (or maybe it was in then-Leningrad), and that in terms of subverting the dominant paradigm (my words not his!) it had been a smashing success.

I would have thought it was on the 1972 tour, but I don’t see it on the list. Is my story false? Surely no one will accuse me of having been duped by a CIA agent!

Jason, I only wish you had brought this to my attention, rather than squander your energies in the Dead.net comment section, which is like a mall for poor people that is also on fire. Answers will not be found there, unless you are asking the question “Whose first show was also coincidentally the BEST SHOW EVAR?”

TotD knows the truth.

You are no dupe.

The Grateful Dead played Moscow on 6/2,3/72 at the Rossiya Theatre. Setlists were classified, and the entire Taper’s Section was executed during the setbreak, but now–at last–the true story can be told of The Boys behind the Iron Curtain.

The whole adventure can be properly classified as “another one of CIA’s dumbfuck ideas,” but no one got killed on purpose (except the tapers, but they should have known what was going to happen) which makes it palatable. The term “Cold War” tends to elide the fact that America and Russia talked constantly at all levels of government: summits and proxy wars and cultural exchange. The Dead show was part of the last category, although a proxy war did break out just a little; also, Mickey called what he did to Commie chicks “summiting” and you don’t want me to explain it.

The State Department (and the CIA) had sent some college bands over, and classical musicians, but the goal was to foment a little love for America, and you weren’t going to do that with a piccolo player: you needed rock and roll. Our men in Moscow met with their Commie counterparts to sell the show:

“Who is Grateful Dead, Jenkins? Like Beatles?”

“Kinda, Yuri. Kinda like them, sorta.”

“Is nice boys?”

“Boys. They are boys. And Mrs. Donna Jean.”

“Show me picture.”

…

“Yuch.”

“They’re very stylish, Yuri.”

“They’re weird-looking.”

“No. No. No. And they’re a little bit communists.”

“Shto?”

“Well, you know: Cowboy Communism.”

“I do not know what this is.”

“They believe in sharing, but also shoot at people who stop by the house uninvited.”

“This is not Communism. Look at them. Hairy Mexican. Pretty boy. Mess. Mess. Mess. Pretty Lady. That one in hat is dead, I think.”

“Only mostly dead.”

“No! This cannot come into Worker’s Paradise. Will be counter-revolutionary.”

“They have dancing bears.”

“Serious? Why did you not say this first? What dates they have available?”

After the European tour concluded in London, the buses containing the Bozos and the Bolos turned East and made their way across the European continent. They drove through Poland, where Billy told many jokes, and Czechoslovakia, which no one knew how to spell. The road to Moscow (the worst of the Hope/Crosby comedies, by the way) led through Belarus, whcih no one knew anything about, and Albania; when the Dead got to Albania, they asked many questions, such as, “Wha?” and “Are they kidding?” and “Is this entire country wearing their crazypants?” and “Did someone just steal the Bolo bus?”

Limping, crowded, into the Soviet Union, the Dead were taken to their hotel; Phil found it unsatisfactory, and Billy–crazed from the trip–tossed a Lada through the lobby window. It was explained to Phil that there were no good hotels in the entire country; Billy was distracted news of how favorable the exchange rate for tuggers was; further incidents were avoided.

The shows were reportedly good: Sam Cutler dosed the concession stand borscht, and the little Communist children boogied all night long. A young Vladimir Putin was in attendance the second night; he declared the group “decadent filth” and ordered Ned Lagin murdered.

The KGB was notably tolerant towards the group, especially after Bear found all of their hidden microphones and upgrade them for free. After that, instead of bugs, an agent just sat in the hotel room taking notes. The Dead felt that was more upfront, at least, and naturally dosed all the agents.

On the morning of the Fourth, the buses were declared the property of the People, and the Dead were tranquilized like zoo animals and shipped back to America. To this day, none of them are quite sure the whole weekend happened, but Mickey’s still got the t-shirt.

The Other Bill In His Life

mickey bill walton grammys kiss

“Run away with me, Mickey. Let’s do this. Let’s do this hard. Weird stuff and all kinds of frightening but exciting possibilities. Where do I end and you begin, and where do you end and Coach Wooden begins? Let me wrap my Siberian Tiger-sized mitts around your heart, and your junk. Let’s get Obama-married.”

…

“Could you say that again a little louder, Bill?”

“No, I could not. One-time offer.”

“Okay. Bill?”

“Yeah, Mick?”

“Got a boner?”

“I do.”

“Oh.”

לֹא תַקִּפוּ פְּאַת רֹאשְׁכֶם וְלֹא תַשְׁחִית אֵת פְּאַת זְקָנֶךָ

mickey mustache twirl 68

Hey, Snidely. Whatcha doing?

“Tying women to things.”

Railroad tracks.

“No. Other things.”

Whatever. Question.

“Shoot.”

What’s it like being the only Jew in the Grateful Dead?

“Simcha Torah is very lonely.”

Sure.

“I’m the only one who eats the hamentashen, so I get fat every year.”

Okay.

“Sometimes when Billy’s drinking, he’ll point out ovens to me.”

That’s crossing a line.

“Probably, yeah. Ya gotta remember: I’m not the Jewiest Jew that ever Jewed. I like the outdoors and blowing shit up and getting in fights: I’m more like an Israeli than a Jew.”

Non-Jews will not see the distinction.

“Fuck ’em. Although I did teach Phil about Kabbalah.”

What do you know about Kabbalah?

“Nothing. But Phil knows less. I tied some yarn around his wrist, slapped some bacon out of his hand, and charged him a grand.”

Nicely done.

“Oh, I also did a klezmer album, Keepin’ it Kosher with Mickey?”

How did it do?

“The album was never released.”

The people need to hear it.

“They probably don’t.”

No.

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