Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mickey hart (Page 50 of 71)

Stairway To Seven

band 77 steps bw

Clockwise from top:

  • This version of Billy–the Dickpunching Caballero– was short-packed and snatched up by collectors upon hitting the shelves.
  • Mrs. Donna Jean is thrilled to be there, but has to get back to gym class.
  • Mickey is the living embodiment of cocaine. Like, if there were a God of Cocaine–like Zeus or Ganesha or whomever–and he had to interact with humans, that is the form he would assume: cocky, wearing a ridiculous hat, and bearing the shirt of the band he’s in.
  • Back to Billy for a sec: he’s farting on Mrs. Donna Jean, isn’t he?
  • Luckily for all, Keith happened to have been in the park when everyone else showed up for the photo shoot. He had been chasing squirrels, and being chased by squirrels, and pressed into service in the squirrel navy fighting off the mighty war machine of the King of the Geese, Featherbeak the Younger. Having a human on their side decisively shifted the balance of power to the squirrels and it looked like victory would be theirs, but to an average citizen–or a cop–it just looked like Keith was half-naked in the pond strangling geese and there were children there, man. He tried to explain, but then everybody showed up and Rock gave the cop a twenty and no one mentioned the incident and someone found Keith new pants.
  • What the fuck, Mushroom Head?
  • Nice nips, Bobby.
  • No joke: Keith berseker-murdered at least eight geese; the chilling thing is that his heart beat never went above 70. In fact, his heart stopped twice that afternoon, but that’s completely unrelated to the goose massacre.
  • Jesus, Garcia.

Overheard At The Wedding

  • I’m not even asking for a blueprint, Bear: just a clear description of what exactly a “Wall of Vows” is and why it costs three hundred thousand dollars.
  • Lenny Hart just stole the wedding cake.
  • You dosed the bridesmaids? I dosed the bridesmaids! Jesus, how many people dosed the bridesmaids? We should go check on them.
  • Billy, you really should have brought an aquarium or some water if you were going to give the couple tropical fish. They all died so quickly and predictably and preventably. It was sad.
  • Plus, you were throwing them at people.
  • Hey, is that Kim Jong-Un?
  • Mickey insisted on teaching everyone Jewish wedding traditions and long story short: Bobby threw a chair out a window; Phil broke a glass against the bar and is currently threatening the bartender with it while demanding to know “Just what the fuck is vermouth, anyway?”; and someone from the road crew sacrificed a flawless red heifer born in the west, and between that and the fish, it’s starting to smell up in here.
  • Who let Ned Lagin DJ?
  • Billy and Mickey have been improvising a percussion battle using the silverware and the older relatives’ walkers and wheelchairs for 35 minutes and it’s starting to wear thin.
  • Garcia’s officiant powers went to his head and now he won’t stop marrying people against their will.

The Dead And Dylan

band dylan bw

“Oh, good: the guitarists brought their guitars. That way, everyone will know they’re guitarists.

“Phil, the directions were to come dressed up and…oh, I didn’t realize that was a collared tie-dye. Classy. You and Jill having date night after this?

“Can we have some people looking at the camera and others just talking amongst themselves at random, please?

“Is the bearded one in the back gonna collapse? Because he’s gonna collapse.

“Looking good, Bob. Chess King have a return policy?”

Mickey's Monkey

Mark my words: Jane Goodall is a crazy person. I’ve not read her work, nor looked into her in even a cursory fashion, but you listen to me–that lady’s a loon.

Why must you have these idiot ramblings out loud?

She once went on a Jdate with Mickey and spent an hour picking nits, grubs, and lice from his pelt. Then she presented and, you know: Mickey thought it was fucked up, but he went with and made sweet monkey–

Ape.

–love to that esteemed animalologist right there in the movie theater.

That didn’t happen.

…

But it feels like it did.

It does not.

Mickey And Billy On The Spot

mickey billy portapoties

Immediately after this picture was taken, Mickey and Billy commandeered the golf cart and drove it into the porta-potties. They were empty, however; no one was injured.

Dozens of people were injured when Mickey and Bobby drove the cart into the crowd. Also, both they and the vehicle were completely covered in people-dirt at this point, so it was just disgusting and a bunch of people got Cholera.

Two-For-One Day At Big-Dicked Sheila's

billy boby phil yay mickey

Oh, Bobby. We’ll get to you.

Mickey has stolen Billy’s mustache in the photo above, but been nice enough to leave him (Billy) one of his (Mickey’s) shirts (Dead). Billy looks odd without the lip-mongoose: where does he hide his secrets and dreams?

Phil is trying out a new thing where he shows the crowd his package while dropping a Phil Bomb; he calls it ‘the Presidential Suite” and Jill told him she liked it but she was lying.

Seriously, Mickey: give Billy his mustache back.

Is that corn behind them?

And finally: Bobert Herbert Walker Weir. The amount of photos of you in which one cannot decide what the worst thing is, is astonishing. It’s the goofy-bastard version of DiMaggio’s hitting streak.

You found, for example, the one thing that doesn’t go with the color white. Besides jeans, obviously. White jeans are for premature ejaculators and spokespeople for terrorist organizations.

Also, the fact that you and Phil have THE EXACT SAME HAIRCUT is kinda freaking me out over here.

Also also: rape whistle.

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