Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mickey hart (Page 56 of 71)

Mickture*

May 2, 2014 / / 1 Comment

mickey fan 88

The youngsters have a phrase, and it is perfect and true: I can’t even with this.

First off, the guy in back has invented photo-bombing. This was 1988: he really might have been the first guy. Sadly, he is not Billy.

Let’s get this out of the way: Fucking bangs, Mickey? You’re a grown-ass man.

Are there more photos of Mickey wearing a Dead shirt or Garcia smoking? Wearing Dead shirts (or hoodies or fleeces or branded bike shorts or his limited-edition Stealie-engraved  cockfighter’s referee outfit†) is Mickey’s punching dicks: it’s the thing he does besides drumming or quitting the band or starting fistfights in hotel fitness centers.

Though a fastidiously hygienic man, Mickey dreaded showers, simply for the time that he was momentarily without a piece of Dead paraphernalia on. Sure, he leapt into the towel monogrammed in Alton Kelly’s font that was so psychedelic you couldn’t tell who the damned thing belonged to, but Mickey liked to scrub up good and Mickey followed directions, so he would lather, then he would rinse, then he would do it again, with feeling. It took a while in there, is the point.

The Dead weren’t tattoo guys, but I’d lay good money that Mickey’s got a lightning bolt on his ass.

 

†Mickey does not participate in cockfighting, nor does he condone it in any way; he merely thinks the outfit emphasizes his trouser triangle and that’s good enough for Mickey.

*This is, hands-down, the worst title I’ve come up with. When it came to me, I let out a small, involuntary ‘oof’ from its shittiness.

Overheard At The Dead’s Passover Seder

May 1, 2014 / / 0 Comments
  • Someone remind Billy that precisely none of the Four Questions is “Mind if I stick it in ya for a while?”
  • Who ordered the bacon-and-shrimp pizza with extra cheese? Do you realize how wrong you got that?
  • It’s not the gift holiday, Bobby.
  • Please stop using matzoh as ninja stars.
  • Speaking of matzoh: don’t eat any, Garcia. Between that and the Persian, you’ll never make another doodie.
  • Well, the Maneschevitz is kind of red whiskey, if you think about it aaaaand Phil drank all the Maneschevitz. Please don’t let him vomit in here: Maneschivitz vomit stains down to the Earth’s mantle.
  • No, Phil, “chopped liver” isn’t a euphemism, it’s actually made of aaaaaand Phil ate all the chopped liver.
  • It’s not the fasting holiday, Bobby. We’re seated at a dinner table with freshly-prepared food in front of us.
  • Brent, go back to the kid’s table.
  • These bitter herbs are dank as fuck, yo.
  • We should get some bitter coke, too. Call your guy.
  • It is also not the candle holiday, Bobby. Partially because the candle holiday is the same as the gift holiday. Which it remains not.
  • Nor is it Mickey’s birthday, Bobby. Mickey’s birthday is not a Jewish holiday. Stop asking me silly questions.
  • Stop crying, Bobby.
  • Bobby: stop crying.
  • …
  • Go to the children’s table, Bobby.

Overheard At The Premiere Of Bobby’s Movie

April 25, 2014 / / 0 Comments
  • The bait popcorn has failed. I repeat, the bait popcorn has failed. Billy has now laid his dick in a paying customer’s popcorn.
  • No, Bobby: we can’t show Star Wars. I can’t even begin to go into the reasons why not.
  • Hey, it’s TC! Hi, TC: I’ll have a large soda and a nachos, please.
  • I understand that Brent wants to see the movie, but Time Sheath technology is supposed to be a fucking secret and it’s hard to keep things under wraps when a guy who died 25 years ago is wandering around.
  • Why did Mickey bring a duffel bag full of raccoons?
  • What do you mean you;ve lost Billy? I need a 20 on Billy STAT, people.
  • Somebody is smoking clove cigarettes up in here.
  • I don’t know, my boss had the tickets. It’s about Bobby Garcia from the Rolling Stones.
  • Seriously: someone tell Brent to knock it off: he’s wandering around making ghost noises and people are beginning to ask questions.
  • No, Phil: Adrienne Barbeau is not in the movie. No, not even a cameo.
  • No, Mickey: it’s not a sequel to Cannonball Run. I can’t even imagine where you came up with that. Also, I need you to show me the bag with the raccoons still in it; your assurances are not good enough.
  • I’ve got a protectionist’s dick confirmed punched: Billy is in the area. Go to infrared.
  • Well, it’s a documentary about a 70-year-old guitarist, so there probably won’t be any cartoons before the feature, but you never know.
  • You dosed the ushers? I dosed the ushers! Jesus, how many people dosed the ushers? We should check on them.
  • All attempts to put Billy down have failed. Make ready Gipsy Danger.

Gonna Party Like It’s Your Earth Day

April 22, 2014 / / 0 Comments

For a band so heavily associated with the left, the Dead had a complicated and at times shaky relationship with environmentalism. Right off the bat, there was Brent’s whaling. Even the Japanese distanced themselves from it after they saw Brent’s methods, which involved stripping to his waist, sacrificing a war-bride, and just hurling himself off the boat like a crazy person to slide down the whale’s gullet and kill it from the inside.

Brent would burst forth from the blubber, having cut himself free with the knife he made out of his father’s bones. “TO THE OIL OF THE BEAST!” he would wail as he took a bit from the beast’s heart. The rest of the crew pretended to be into it, but it was just objectively unsettling.

Also, Mickey used to throw his empty styrofoam containers out the car window, but I think you have to view the shit Brent did as worse.

Bobby mostly went along with the nature thing, but he never became a vegetarian and was given to asking, out loud and at dinner parties, “Why are baby animals always the tastiest?” until Phil had a talk with him about indoor thoughts and outdoor thoughts.

 

Why Is This Couch So Lumpy?

April 22, 2014 / / 0 Comments

band 1977 levitting donna

From left to right:

  • Billy’s clearly mid-fart.
  • Garcia is gently cupping two imaginary sets of testicles: it was something he did that tour and you had to put up with it. On the next tour, however, he progressed to resolutely milking two imaginary wangshafts and a meeting was called.
  • Bobby is staring at you like a gold digger eying gold, or a silver miner looking at silver, or a metaphor writer getting meta.
  • Keith needs to give my Aunt Yetta her sunglasses back.
  • Holy shit, Mickey. You look like the cashier at the supermarket whose line I don’t want to be in.
  • Mrs. Donna Jean is fine of fettle; she has a well-turned calf; a dewy lip and loamy of loins. She is mysterious and smells like expensive shampoo and Seconals.
  • Phil is going at himself two-handed over there.

Things Overheard At The MoMTDA

April 18, 2014 / / 0 Comments
  • No, Mr. Owsley, you cannot “soup up” the audio tour. Stop calling it the Walk of Sound.
  • Parish, you’ve got to help me: I’ve accidentally invited TWO DATES to the fundraising ball!
  • Gentlemen, I’m not going to point fingers and play the blame game and name names, but using the museum to stage a fake blood drive is going to stop immediately, Phil.
  • There won’t be any dinosaurs, Bobby. It’s an art museum.
  • Everyone needs to put on their trousers right damn now.
  • Billy, that’s not performance art.
  • There have been some great reviews for Keith’s sculpture of himself. Oh, that’s actually him? He’s been lying there motionless for, like, nine days. Perhaps we should call a docent.
  • No, I don’t know what a docent is, either, but it’s the museum and something’s gone awry, so you call the docent. There is a chain of command here, Grateful Dead!
  • But it doesn’t matter because you have dosed all of them.
  • Yes, yes: doses, docent. Quite clever.
  • Billy, stop doing performance art.
  • No, Bobby: the eyes of that painting are not following you around the–oh, Mickey’s cut eyeholes in the art and is standing behind the canvas looking at people. Good call, Bobby.
  • Come out from there, Mickey. Why are you naked?
  • Garcia’ll be fine: I put him in the sculpture park. It’s just steel and gravel out there.
  • I’ve told you this already, Mr. Mydland: museums don’t have mascots. Take off the costume.
  • Why is Bill Graham haranguing schoolchildren in Yiddish?
  • We don’t allow camping because it is a museum of art; there cannot be filthy teenagers taking doodies directly outside.
  • I’m sorry, I don’t see a “Ned Lagin” on the Will Call list, possibly because there is no Will Call list, probably because it’s a museum. Why are the whole hairy lot so fuzzy on the concept of “museum?”
  • Phil, you’re doing a great job running the food court, but I think charging $200 to eat sandwiches while you jam with your sons is a bit excessive.
  • Vince, for the third time: your new character, down-home surrealist Salvador Golly is just not a hit. Please stop doing the routine. Also, buddy: pants.
  • We’re just going to require that there be no more naked Grateful Deads in the museum, please. It’s not an unreasonable request.
  • Attention museum patrons: we are going to need to evacuate the building immediately, please. All attempts to prevent Billy from doing performance art have failed. I repeat: Billy is doing performance art.
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