Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: ned lagin (Page 1 of 4)

Two If By Band, OR The Duality Of Nature

Bobby still has no idea who Ned Lagin is.

OR

Look again. That’s not a balloon.

OR

Phil and Mrs. Donna Jen have assumed what can only be described as boogie-posture.

You just gonna keep posting compulsively all night?

Yes. It’s like knitting. It calms me.

When did you become afraid of flying?

It’s not the flying. I have no fear of flying whatsoever. I like watching out the window during takeoffs and landings; to tell the truth, I still have a child’s fascination with airplanes.

So what is it?

It’s every single thing that surrounds the flying: showing up early, and having your shit together, and being locked in a tube with strangers, and cops everywhere. And then assuming Radical Islamic Terrorists–

Which Hillary Clinton will not say.

–don’t kill me, which they probably will, at the end of the flight I am 2,000 miles away from my bed, books, and desk. And toilet.

There’s a bed and toilet waiting for you.

Sure, full of strangers’ filth and rot.

Your entire family–some of whom are actively dying–will be together for the first time in several years. Your beloved Brother and Sister-in-Law on the Dead are looking forward to seeing you. If you act like an asshole, I will slap you like a wife. You will behave, goddammit, and you will not talk about politics and you will not grouse and gripe.

I’m not a good traveler.

You are like french fries. Still, though: you will not be an asshole.

Are you giving me The Talk?

Yes.

How old am I gonna be before I stop getting The Talk?

Up to you, isn’t it?

Yes.

Quick tip. What’s your favorite sentence the past few weeks?

Oh, that would have to be “We’re all gonna fucking die.”

Right. Let’s leave that one at home. Don’t pack it.

What if I need it?

You won’t need it.

Please don’t be an asshole.

Christmas is known for miracles.

But What Does Ned Lagin Think?

“Keith, you want anything special for the show?”

“Pumpkin?”

“Gotcha.”

OR

Ned Lagin asked what key the next song was in, and then proceeded to play vaguely rhythmic and atonal squeaky bloops for the next 20 minutes.

OR

Bobby has no idea who the fuck the skinny guy with all the toys is, and at this point it’s too late to ask.

OR

S. Lighthill! When you absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed need everything left lying in the middle of the stage, call S. Lighthill.

OR

Billy kept punching Ned Lagin in the dick and fucking around with his patch cords.

“One ringy-dingy. Look at me! I’m Billy Tomlin! Two ringy-dingy.”

OR

Game on: Spot The Heineken.

OR

Someone please feed Ned Lagin.

Jenseits Der Meerstein

Allow me to explain, Enthusiasts. A trans-continental conundrum has been raised! Dead Scholars in America, Canada, Germany–and possibly even the bass player from that one surprisingly-good Japanese tribute band–have turned their prodigious attentions to this newest and most important of questions: Did Seastones get booed, specifically on  9/14/74 in Munich, Germany (well, at the time it was West Germany)? And, even more specifically, if they were indeed booed, was it the Germans or the Americans?

Now: unlike the list bullshit I was making fun of before, this is actually important.

Phil later said in an interview that it was the German kids booing, but as with so much else about the Dead, the band members seem to be the least reliable witnesses. It’s not his fault, though: lighting at shows is designed so that the audience sees the band, and not the other way around. Also, Phil is a good American, and part of being a good American is blaming other countries for things.

That the Germans were digging Seastones, and the Americans annoyed by it, sounds like the more defensible position if you have any context. The Americans in question were Army-Americans; there were a lot of them in West Germany at the time because the Commies were literally miles away. This is not to say a serviceman couldn’t enjoy the Dead–I know for a fact that several loyal Enthusiasts are veterans–but if you have to be back on the base at midnight, you’re not going to be in the proper headspace for Seastones at ten.

There is also the point that I believe precludes all further argument: why would Germans boo unpleasant-sounding music? Germans invented unpleasant-sounding music. Why would Germans boo bleepity-bloop music? Germans perfected bleepity-bloop music. If there were any crowd that was going to give Seastones, which is essentially weaponized art, a chance, it’s going to be a German crowd.

Finally, we have an eyewitness account:

german-review-of-74

For those of you who don’t speak German, I’ll translate.

“Good evening, fellow German. I hope zat Wotan calls to you from ze Black Forest of der dreamenwurlden.

“Papers, bitte?

“Danke.

“Viz regards to Grateful Dead show dated 14.9.74: the behavior of der Yankenshootens vas abominable. Zey hooted like animals in a zoo at any song they did not classify as ‘Boogie.’ Also, zey laughed at ze way Germans say ze word ‘Boogie.’ Ve failed to see ze humor in ze situation.

“Ze Americans also became upset at Ned’s nudity, while ve Germans are of course more mature about such matters. The human body is natural! You Americans and your hang-ups!

“Also, ze Americans did not conform to proper seating. I had personally gone to ze theater at dawn and put my beach towel on my chair, but ze American did not seem to realize what zat meant.

“Seastones by Phil und Ned vas a revelation. I know for a fact that Kraftwerk attended ze show, and said to each other afterward, ‘What if ve do that, but good?’

“Following ze show, mein friends und I vent to a bierhaus and ate enormous pretzels.”

Case closed.

Live, And In The Flesh

Hey, you wanna see Ned Lagin naked?

Fuck, no, I don’t wanna–

nude lagin

Oh, COME ON.

You can almost see his stones.

Why are his nipples so close together?

Because it’s art.

Oh. Can we never do this again?

What? He classes up the place. I want to throw a fancy party and hire him to recline on the dance floor in his altogether.

Didn’t you kill off Precarious Lee  last night?

Yes. But he’s alive as he ever was.

Shocker.

It turns out he didn’t die when he tumbled from the waterfall.

What about Moriarty?

There aren’t any bad guys around here, are they?

There’s an idea. You quit or not?

The blog?

Yeah.

Nah. I can’t. Oteil has a new haircut and Roy Head booked a European tour.

With great bullshit comes great responsibility.

We’re coming up on a change of course.

The wind’s at our back and we can go anywhere the water allows.

Yeah. Plus, the Enthusiasts are quite lovely.

They truly are.

I feel as though I owe them something.

Please don’t–

ned lagin nude chairs

NUDE LAGIN!

Crazy train’s back on track.

And damn the torpedoes.

Trains don’t–

Shut the fuck up.

You Better Head Back To Tennessee, Comrade

A commenter named Jason over at Dead.net takes a break from accusing David “24 Hours Of” LeMieuxns of things to post this:

Dead show in Soviet Era Moscow???

I can’t find it in the show list, and want to fact check my story.

In 1977 I took a quarter off from school (Berkeley) and accompanied my father on a State-Department sponsored visit to Dirty-War-era Argentina. Our host was the Cultural Attache, which, he explained, was usually translated in South America as “La Cia.” He winked.

He told me that a previous posting had been in Moscow, and he had been part of a team that got the Dead to do a concert there (or maybe it was in then-Leningrad), and that in terms of subverting the dominant paradigm (my words not his!) it had been a smashing success.

I would have thought it was on the 1972 tour, but I don’t see it on the list. Is my story false? Surely no one will accuse me of having been duped by a CIA agent!

Jason, I only wish you had brought this to my attention, rather than squander your energies in the Dead.net comment section, which is like a mall for poor people that is also on fire. Answers will not be found there, unless you are asking the question “Whose first show was also coincidentally the BEST SHOW EVAR?”

TotD knows the truth.

You are no dupe.

The Grateful Dead played Moscow on 6/2,3/72 at the Rossiya Theatre. Setlists were classified, and the entire Taper’s Section was executed during the setbreak, but now–at last–the true story can be told of The Boys behind the Iron Curtain.

The whole adventure can be properly classified as “another one of CIA’s dumbfuck ideas,” but no one got killed on purpose (except the tapers, but they should have known what was going to happen) which makes it palatable. The term “Cold War” tends to elide the fact that America and Russia talked constantly at all levels of government: summits and proxy wars and cultural exchange. The Dead show was part of the last category, although a proxy war did break out just a little; also, Mickey called what he did to Commie chicks “summiting” and you don’t want me to explain it.

The State Department (and the CIA) had sent some college bands over, and classical musicians, but the goal was to foment a little love for America, and you weren’t going to do that with a piccolo player: you needed rock and roll. Our men in Moscow met with their Commie counterparts to sell the show:

“Who is Grateful Dead, Jenkins? Like Beatles?”

“Kinda, Yuri. Kinda like them, sorta.”

“Is nice boys?”

“Boys. They are boys. And Mrs. Donna Jean.”

“Show me picture.”

“Yuch.”

“They’re very stylish, Yuri.”

“They’re weird-looking.”

“No. No. No. And they’re a little bit communists.”

“Shto?”

“Well, you know: Cowboy Communism.”

“I do not know what this is.”

“They believe in sharing, but also shoot at people who stop by the house uninvited.”

“This is not Communism. Look at them. Hairy Mexican. Pretty boy. Mess. Mess. Mess. Pretty Lady. That one in hat is dead, I think.”

“Only mostly dead.”

“No! This cannot come into Worker’s Paradise. Will be counter-revolutionary.”

“They have dancing bears.”

“Serious? Why did you not say this first? What dates they have available?”

After the European tour concluded in London, the buses containing the Bozos and the Bolos turned East and made their way across the European continent. They drove through Poland, where Billy told many jokes, and Czechoslovakia, which no one knew how to spell. The road to Moscow (the worst of the Hope/Crosby comedies, by the way) led through Belarus, whcih no one knew anything about, and Albania; when the Dead got to Albania, they asked many questions, such as, “Wha?” and “Are they kidding?” and “Is this entire country wearing their crazypants?” and “Did someone just steal the Bolo bus?”

Limping, crowded, into the Soviet Union, the Dead were taken to their hotel; Phil found it unsatisfactory, and Billy–crazed from the trip–tossed a Lada through the lobby window. It was explained to Phil that there were no good hotels in the entire country; Billy was distracted news of how favorable the exchange rate for tuggers was; further incidents were avoided.

The shows were reportedly good: Sam Cutler dosed the concession stand borscht, and the little Communist children boogied all night long. A young Vladimir Putin was in attendance the second night; he declared the group “decadent filth” and ordered Ned Lagin murdered.

The KGB was notably tolerant towards the group, especially after Bear found all of their hidden microphones and upgrade them for free. After that, instead of bugs, an agent just sat in the hotel room taking notes. The Dead felt that was more upfront, at least, and naturally dosed all the agents.

On the morning of the Fourth, the buses were declared the property of the People, and the Dead were tranquilized like zoo animals and shipped back to America. To this day, none of them are quite sure the whole weekend happened, but Mickey’s still got the t-shirt.

I’ll Roll Up My Shirt-Sleeves And Take My Best Shot

Possible T-Shirt Ideas: a draft.

If it’s a draft, then why are you bothering the nice people with it?

You and I both know there’s gonna be a half-decent dick joke or two in here.

Your threshold of quality is industry-leading.

Well: hey, man. Hey. Whoa. Hey.

Yes?

I have no argument: I just need you to stop being mean to me.

When the student is not wrong, then the student is not beaten.

You’re not a Buddhist.

My participation in an ethos has nothing to do with my acceptance of said ethos. I’m not really a joiner.

May I get on with it?

Try not to strain yourself.

Before I so rudely interrupted myself, I was saying – T-Shirt Ideas:

  • TotD logo. (I’m getting to it, I’m getting to it.)
  • TotD logo with a clever and pithy piece of writing, most probably containing the phrase “semi-defunct choogly-type band.”
  • (Wait: a t-shirt with “Grateful Dead /ˈgrāt-fəl ded/ proper noun – A semi-defunct choogly-type band.” would be awesome and I would buy that. Okay, someone remember that.)
  • Plain black and I’ll say it’s in honor of Garcia.
  • Oh, they did that?
  • In their defense, it came with a remastered Jerry Band show from ’81 with Phil on bass.
  • But still.
  • Snake T-shirt.
  • Madonna shirt.
  • Shirt made from different fabrics that argues with itself.
  • One of those mesh jobbies that dudes who hung out in parking lots in the 80’s wore, with a peeling applique of chubby 1984 Phil on the front.
  • Pictures of Billy and Mickey, but they’re printed under the armpits so if you have your hands in your pockets, you can walk right through customs; but raise ’em in the air, and everyone will know you don’t care.
  • Promotional shirts from Little Aleppo: Creepy Ernie’s, Big-Dicked Sheila, those other stores I lost interest in quickly. (Good Idea #2.)
  • Wall of Sound 2016. (Good Idea #3, but I gotta get on that pretty quickly.)
  • Shitty tour shirt from a shitty tour in a shitty year, but it costs $420.
  • What if the garment were made from spaghetti and meatballs, so if a survival situation broke out, you could eat it?
  • What if the shirt were trousers?
  • What kind of things could I say about Jeff Chimenti on a t-shirt before the authorities got involved?
  • There’s a glut of Garcia merch, but not much Vince stuff; maybe that’s a niche I could exploit.
  • Speaking of Garcia, how about a shot of him with “Harry Mendoza Forever” in a cool, retro, hippy font underneath?
  • Fuck it: Harry Mendoza is Good Idea #4.
  • I did not expect my ideas to be so good that they would need to be capitalized, but there you have it.
  • Magic Eye print, which forces people to stare at your chest for a long time. (This is for perverts, but perverts are people, too, and I’ll sell them bullshit if they want to buy it.)
  • Precarious Lee will make his debut, I would assume. (Good Idea #5.)
  • I’m not sure whether technology has gotten here yet, but I will see if you can put a GIF on a shirt, and if you can:
  • bobby monkey comb
  • With, like, “Weir Here” under it.
  • You’d buy that.
  • You’d buy the fuck out of that.
  • I don’t think you can engiffinate a garment, though, but I’ll google it.
  • There will be no tie-dye, I need to make that crystal clear upfront: you can do what you want with your wardrobe, but I won’t be associated with hippie camouflage.
  • Billy’s face, but his name spelled with only one “n” and you have to find him and wear it in front of him.
  • Group shot of Dead & Co, but Oteil is misidentified as Branford Marsalis. (I’ll sell you this shirt, but you can’t wear it; just buy it and put it right up in the Problem Attic.)
  • Obscure Dead bullshit: Club Front staff shirt, Mickey and the Hartbeats ’68 Tour shirt, Ned Lagin Fan Club shirt, “Lenny Hart is my Accountant” shirt.
  • This:
  • IMG_3649(1)

Grateful Dead: After Dark

TotD was perfectly happy with no comment section, or one populated strictly by the insane, but now there seems to be a vaguely competent group and I am also okay with that.

However, sometimes the comment section introduces pernicious thoughts into the conversation, and IT IS ALL THEIR FAULT FOR WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

Grateful Dead Sex Toy Merch, available on fucktheewellmerch.com, was bound to be a big-seller, but the prudes upstairs shut it down. TotD has the only extant list of products.

  • Grateful Dead Real Dolls. These lifelike, high-quality sex dolls looked eerily like any member of the Dead you specified. If you want to order a bunch of them and make them do stuff to each other, that’s your business and we do discount for volume.
  • Garcia Latex Power Fist. With nub!
  • Brent Latex Greedy Mouth. With beard!
  • Cock Ring With Bruce Hornsby’s Disapproving Glare Printed On It. “Bruce says, “You’re a disgusting animal.'”
  • Lube That Tastes Like Keith.
  • Precarious Lee Brand Condoms. “For when you want a baby, or herpes.”
  • Bonera. Bobby’s preferred prescription-strength boner pill; it’s half-viagara, half-vicodin.
  • Alembic Penis Pump. This quarter-million dollar penis pump requires three mega-joules of power to run and will almost certainly rip your dick off.
  • Alembic Vibrator. It’s the size of a Buick and has at least three dozen knobs on it.
  • Alembic Handcuffs. They seem to be run-of-the-mill cuffs, but they cost $50 grand.
  • Wall Of Pound. It’s a sex pillow, and it’s a quality product: real sturdy and easy to clean.
  • Butt Plug Shaped Like Vince.

Okay, that’s enough.

I haven’t even started on the Ned Lagin section.

Don’t.

That’s the stuff you need a safe-word for, I guess.

Stop talking.

Things More Unnecessary Than All-Star Tribute Jams

  • Tits on a bull.
  • Another hole in the head.
  • A limp dick at an orgy.
  • A bookstore in Las Vegas.
  • Formalwear on Palau.
  • Nor Tonga.
  • Let’s just say that dinner jacket and starched shirtfronts are a waste of luggage space if you’re going anywhere in the South Pacific.
  • Unless you’re going to be the Ambassador to the joint; then you should err on the cautious side.
  • Those coffee machines that make your coffee and fuck up the planet one expensive pod at a time.
  • And, besides the cost and waste, they faciliate a brain-dead way of dealing with the world. (“PUSH BUTTON GET MORNING JUICE YAAAY.”)
  • Coffee should be drunk a pot at a time, anyway.
  • States. Fuck states. Even the good ones are shit. They’re just as complicated as the federal government, but with no money and everyone is an idiot.
  • Commonwealths, too.
  • The Point After. No NFL kicker ever misses the things, so there’s never any conflict or interest; at this point, they’re just this weird addendum that exists because of tradition, like the Indy 500 winner getting doused in milk, or boxing champs being rapists.
  • Here’s how you fix it: touchdowns are now worth seven. After scoring, a team could simply kick off; no PAT. But, a team could also go for a five yard play from under center OR a FG attempt from the 25.
  • Now this is the cool thing: if you succeed, you get two points. If you don’t: one point OFF, leaving you with six points for the score instead of the seven points you would have had had you stood pat.
  • Can you imagine Andy Reid trying to figure this out? At least one coach would completely screw the pooch every week and it would be the most goddamn entertaining thing you’ve ever seen.
  • I fixed football: more math.
  • Vests, unless they are neon and mandated by OSHA, or you are Han Solo.
  • Also permitted to wear vests: American Indian dudes, biker dudes, building superintendents in sitcoms, members of the Warriors street gang.
  • Surf and Turf. Just get the steak, you gluttonous sow. People are starving; don’t be an asshole at the dinner table.
  • On the subject of food: any meat that tastes like chicken is unnecessary. We have enough chickens. Maybe more than enough.
  • Chicken is so plentiful and universally available in this country that is has become the referent to other meats. When we say that something “tastes like chicken,” what we’re really saying is “chicken is paramount and supreme.”
  • Chicken is hegemonic.
  • The jumpsuits and stationery recently purchased by the Irish Space Agency.
  • Nunchucks. Cool, but not necessary.
  • Being at Waffle House at four in the morning is so unfathomably unnecessary I cannot explain it: no one needs to be at Waffle House at four in the morning.
  • Except for meth addicts. They kinda need to be there.
  • Probably to buy more meth. It’s certainly not for the food.
  • Don’t do meth.
  • Anymore Spider-Man movies for a while.
  • At least six professional hockey teams. Tampa Bay shouldn’t have a team: hockey should not be played where ice does not occur naturally.
  • Nipples. (Men.)
  • All this drama. (Women.)
  • Appendices, coccyx bones, pinkie toes. (Everybody.)
  • Portugal. Just be Spain, Portugal. It’s like all you have is that you’re not Spain.
  • Just be Spain.
  • Because right now, all you are is Shitty Brazil.
  • Having the words “flammable” and “inflammable” be the same thing is the apotheosis of unnecessary. Yes, it’s a Dr. Nick joke, but as a culture – shouldn’t we be more specific about what will and what won’t explode if you’re a dick to it?
  • Why are we so vague in this important area? Why leave any confusion at all?
  • Just have “flammable” and “non-flammable.” Get rid of inflammable.
  • Ned Lagin.

Time (Sheath Technology) Is A Flat Circle

IMG_1386

“You remember how I promised not to use the Time Sheath technology anymore?”

“You mean after you got caught trying to abandon Ned Lagin in the Pleistocene?”

“I wasn’t abandoning him, Bob. He wanted to see a stegosaurus.”

“But you handcuffed him to a tree and left him there.”

“One thing has nothing to do with the other.”

“Did Stegosaurs live in the Pleistocene?”

“I have no idea. Anyway, I might have snuck ahead 40 years, just to take a look around. Plus, my contract was up and I was/will be due for a new phone.”

“How do you use that thing, anyway? The cell towers haven’t been put up yet.”

“Oh, you just beam the signal through the Time Sheath technology. Bear worked it out.”

“Huh.”

“Roaming charges are astronomical.”

“So, what about 40 years from now?”

“Our fanbase seems to be intact, but a good number of them have far more money than brains.”

“How so?”

“You wouldn’t believe what kind of money tickets to our last shows are going for.”

“Fifty dollars.”

“More than that.”

“Sixty.”

“Way more.

“Eighty-five.”

“This’ll take forever, so I’ll just tell you. Five figures.”

“With the decimal point?”

“No, Bob.”

“Jeez.”

“Garcia still gonna be dead, Phil?”

“Dead as disco.”

“Future seems all fucked up.”

“That it does, Bob.”

“I’ll still cash the check, though.”

“Fuck, yeah.”

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