• China does not have a monopoly on kicking ass.
  • Much ass is kicked in Thailand, apparently.
  • Especially by this one dude named Tony Jaa
  • There are also elephants, and if you are good enough at kicking ass, the elephant will do your bidding.
  • Buddhists.
  • Probably some other stuff, although maybe not: Asian cultures have a different relationship with diversity than we in the West have acquired lately.
  • They’re not fond of it.
  • In Ong Bak 2, we learned that Thailand had a past.
  • The first film was set in the present.
  • We can therefore infer that time’s progression exists in Thailand.
  • (I may be clutching at straws here: these movies were partially ruined by my complete ignorance of Thai culture or history. I mean: you all saw how limited my knowledge of China was, but at least I can find the fucker on a map. Beyond “Southeast Asia,” I might as well be throwing a dart and hoping to hit Thailand.)
  • Thailand is like many countries in that there are comic relief characters.
  • It rains in Thailand, but only when something bad has happened to the main character.
  • On any given day in Bangkok, around 10% of the city’s inhabitants are soft-spoken martial arts masters sent from their small villages to retrieve mystic idols or seek revenge.
  • The Thai language is sub-titled.
  • Actually, if you watch a lot of movies where the plot is “Asian guy hits other Asian guy in the face, repeat” then you usually hear Chinese, so the Thai is a nice switch.
  • I’m praying that their language is actually called Thai, because that is something you get sent right to the Problem Attic for fucking up.
  • I might have understated the elephants.
  • Fucking elephants, man.
  • I have seen two movies about Thailand, and one of them was chockfull of elephants.
  • We can thus extrapolate that if you were in Thailand, you would have a 50% chance of seeing an elephant every time you opened your eyes.
  • That’s math, people.
  • Instead of cabs, they have jeepneys or tuk-tuks or some other foreign-named thing: elongated three-wheelers souped up for maximum quickness and prone to killing whole extended families every third shift.
  • They’re the kind of thing that cry out for a chase scene.
  • Neither the safety regulations nor the special effects of Thailand are the equivalent of ours.
  • Which really isn’t a problem: in fact, it makes for a better movie when the director can wantonly endanger his actors.
  • You can dangle guys off bridges, drive cars at them real fast, try to drown them: Thailand does not have an OSHA.
  • Physical stereotyping is ugly and I don’t engage in it, but I will say that the phrase “he’s the dark-haired guy” is next to useless in Thailand.
  • The Thai method of punching one another in the face is similar to kung fu, but with more knee and elbow strikes.
  • It’s not that different: there are only so many ways to kick someone in the face.
  • Also the same: fighting styles must be announced.
  • “Monkey fucks a football!”
  • “Burping ferret!”
  • “The moon goes to the bathroom!”
  • “DONKEY-STYLE, MOTHERFUCKER!”
  • And so on.
  • In Thailand, holiness is related to fucked-up earlobes.
  • Overall, they’re just aces, but they put that peanut sauce on everything and I just can’t even with it.