Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Pigpen (Page 8 of 20)

It’s All Connected, Man

May 28, 2016 / / 5 Comments

As TotD revealed exclusively yesterday, the Martin Scorsese-produced documentary about the Dead has had its scope significantly expanded to become the Grateful Dead Cinematic Universe (GDCU), with a strategically-planned docket of solo films, team-ups, and spin-offs scheduled from now until the end of time.

After speaking with director Amir Bar-Lev, I received an anonymous text that said “Hey, this is Amir Bar-Lev.” I told him he was terrible at being sneaky, and then he sent me a picture of Billy’s dick and the texts stopped. After the precise amount of time it would take to set up a number to text anonymously from, I got an anonymous text. “Hey, this is NOT Amir Bar-Lev,” and I just went with it to save time. Then he asked me to call him Deep Throat, but I would not go with that, even to save time. “Okay, call me Margaret, because I’m leaky.”

And I asked him to stop texting me, but he sent me the official schedule for the GDCU and was all “You didn’t hear this from me,” and sent me more dick pics, at least one of which was not Billy’s. I asked him if he would stop contacting me if I leaked the information, and then he sent me a selfie, and then a text that read, “Shit. That’s not me lol,” and at that point I put the phone in the other room.

It’s still a good scoop, so here we go: The Official Schedule for the Grateful Dead Cinematic Universe.

2017

GARCIA: THE FIRST GRATEFUL DEAD Directed by the Russo Brothers, and starring T.J. Miller as Garcia (with abs), the film sets up the other films for around two hours. It’s set during Garcia’s five months in the Army, where his drill sergeant  (Javier Bardem) is secretly a monster or a demon or some bullshit. Bardem hopes to get hold of one of the Six Cumberlands of Power, which will tie the GDCU together.

PIGPEN: THE OTHER FIRST GRATEFUL DEAD Ang Lee will helm this fractured, angular take on a complicated man. Keenan Thompson stars, and the Big Bad of the GDCU is introduced in the post-credits scene: it is Sean Penn sitting in a space-chair, and when we figure out what to do with him, you’ll be the first to know. Pig’s girlfriend will be played by Lupita Nyong’o. In the after-credits scene, Bill Graham appears to invite Pigpen to join the Grateful Dead Initiative.

2018

BOBBY: BOBBY Instead of a straight-forward tale, Nicolas Winding Refn planned a lyrical and evocative poem about Bobby’s summer on the ranch; he even had the synthesizer score written. Then Bobby insisted on playing himself and now it’s just three hours of a 68-year-old guy on a horse. (The horse is motion-capture, and played by Andy Serkis.) The second Cumberland of Power is involved, somehow.

PHIL & BILLY: COURT IN THE STREET Phil is played by Donnie Yen; Billy is played by Tony Jaa; the two of them kick the living shit out of each other for an hour. Then, Ned Lagin (The Rock) shows up and the two of them team up to fight him for control of the fourth Cumberland of Power. (The third Cumberland was claimed by the road crew on the Netflix spin-off show Front Street Blues.)

2019, 2020, 2021

Cancelled due to war.

2022

MICKEY: HART OF THE GALAXY Mickey, played by Miles Teller, is some sort of space pirate. Billy appears, now played by Shailene Woodley, as Flapjack the Space Fucker. (Billy was allowed to write his own part.) Keith and Mrs. Donna Jean are introduced, setting up their solo film.

KEITH & MRS. DONNA JEAN: WAR IN THE PARKING LOT Keith is played by Donnie Yen; Mrs. Donna Jean is played by Tony Jaa; the two of them kick the shit out of each other for an hour. Then, the second set of an ’88.

2023

GRATEFUL DEAD: WAR FOR THE HEAVENS Set in 1974, the band unites for the first time (somehow) to defeat a sentient and power-mad Wall of Sound. (The Wall is motion-capture, and played by Andy Serkis.) The Grateful Dead save the world…but at what cost? The entire movie is the post-credits scene.

BOBBY II: BOBBIER This solo film is about a solo album: none of the other Grateful Deads appear, as Bobby is instead surrounded by the Midnites (John Cena, Quvenzhané Wallis, Fred Ward in an alien costume). The fallout from the Wall’s rampage–the Reno Incident–have had sever repercussions and now the Dead is feared and loathed. Bobby just wants to play music and be treated like a rock star, so he puts together the Midnites. At their first show, though, Bobby uncovers a vast conspiracy that could rip the GDCU to shreds! Aliens? Nazis? Fuck it: alien Nazis.

2024

GARCIA 2: JERRY BAND Garcia, too, is on the run: he joins John Kahn (Adrien Brody) and a talking dog named Pumpkin. (The dog is motion-capture, and played by Andy Serkis.) Billy is along for the ride, now played by Sam Rockwell. They have been chased to China, where they have fun adventures and note what progress China has made, and how many strides the Party has taken; Garcia receives a sidekick, Choog Li (John Cho), and the production receives a billion potential viewers.

TBA

2025

UNTITLED BRENT MOVIE

I Got My Mojo Working Out

April 10, 2016 / / 1 Comment

Many tales have been told of the Grateful Dead: they’ve been examined from angles musical, financial, sociological, historical, chemical, metaphysical, biographical, academic, and there was a coloring book once. Never, though, has the Dead’s relationship with exercise been detailed, and certainly not with the scholastic rigor I intend to apply to the following bullshit I’m about to make up.

Bobby was the most physical-minded of the group; he cared about the parts of his body that were not his dick or stomach, and engaged in strenuous and joyful fits of exercise, plus many soothing and barefoot yoga sessions. Bobby enjoyed running almost as much as he enjoyed running shorts. In the 70’s, he took up mountain biking, and in the 80’s got into hill biking; the 90’s saw Bobby become interested in riding his bike on flat terrain, and in the 00’s, Ebay was founded, which is where Bobby sold his bike.

Mickey gave Bobby a run for his money, though, and sometimes literally: Mickey liked to combine his athletics with gambling and would often make more money off his impromptu wagering than from a tour. Like Bobby, Mickey took up bicycling for a while, but always preferred his horses, as it was impossible to dose a bicycle.

And here lies a sheer and fatal drop-off in both athletic ability and exercisial enthusiasm. Except for Bobby and Mickey, every Grateful Dead would be picked last and sent to right field. (There are pictures of Bobby playing softball; there are pictures of Garcia watching softball.) You might pick Billy a little higher up if you were playing hockey and wanted to start a fight.

Billy’s exercise came primarily from running amok. Smoothie in the morning, throw a mailbox at a cop around lunch, run through a hospital with a chainsaw before the show, and then finish up the day with cardio (Billy calls anal “cardio”).

The ocean also provides Billy with a chance to stretch, strengthen, and shape up; he has invented something he calls “sharkour,” but is actually just swimming slowly and looking at fish. (You cannot do parkour underwater as there are no benches to vault over, and even if there were, you can’t vault over anything underwater.)

Phil’s idea of exercise was standing up during a blowjob.

The keyboardists were all over the place, as should be expected: Pig did Tai Chi once, by accident; TC did some fancy bullshit, I’m sure; Keith, along with Mrs. Donna Jean, trained in mixed-martial arts and practiced on each other constantly; Brent was the Marin county free-diving champ three years in a row until he was beaten; Bruce beat him; Vince owed his taut tush to ballroom dance.

Garcia always carried his own briefcase, though sometimes it was heavy.

Bret Michaels Stole His Look From Pigpen

April 1, 2016 / / 3 Comments

IMG_3588

“Dammit, Weir: you look like a serial killer in them spectacles!”

“Nah, Pig. Girls like the glasses.”

“Girls like your pretty little face in spite o’ them things!”

“Well, you know, Pig: God love ya, but you’re not really the one to be criticizing others’ accessories.”

“You’re showin’ your unworldliness, Weir! The Pig’s a damn fashion plate! Hell, the Pig’s the whole damn fashion table! My hat’s corduroy!”

“I didn’t even know they could do that with corduroy.”

“A more versatile fabric than given credit by the public! You got corduroy, denim, and leather and you got all you need!”

“Oh, I don’t know, Pig. Think you’re leaving out underwear and socks. Gotta be cotton.”

“Underwear can be leather! ‘Cept then you’re living in a different part of San Francisco!”

“I would bet there’s an unwritten history linking the hippie and gay subcultures of our beloved City by the Bay to be unearthed by an enterprising writer.”

…

“Weir, who you talkin’ to?”

“You know: them.”

“Quit it with your damn occultism and metafictionality, boy!”

“Semi-fictional.”

“Cease your balderdashing!”

“Okay.”

Sufi, Don’t Bother me

March 26, 2016 / / 1 Comment

Cryptical Development has a first-hand account from the 3/24/71 show I just posted about: go read it. Then come back here, because I have stolen all the photos accompanying the well-written tale and will say witty things about each, or maybe just one, or the whole post could suck.

Who knows what the future holds?

Okay, you back? Wonderful. You always come back to me. No one else has what you need. No other website–

I’m going to cut you off early on this one.

–touches your buttocks like I…dude. Stop interrupting.

Stop being weird.

I’m not being weird. I just want to rub my wordboner on strangers’ eyeballs.

That right there. That’s the weird I mentioned. Stop doing it.

My posts are boners made of words: they’re full of life, and I want people to look at them.

Just show the pictures of the hairy white people making a racket.

billy phil bobby jerry peanut

Which points out another interesting aspect of this show: Peanut!

Also, this was apparently a benefit for the Sufis, who did this:

sufi bullshit

“PUT.

“THAT FIRE.

“OUT.

“SCHMUCK.”

“Oh, hey, Bill. We were just–”

“Don’t you ‘Hey, Bill’ me, you goddamn maniac. Put that fire out!”

“Oh, Bill: this is a sacred fire.”

“I don’t care if it’s the Pope’s Zippo lighter! Put it out! Put it out now!”

“You can’t just ‘put out’ a sacred fire, Bi–”

PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH

PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH

PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH

…

PSSHH

PSSHH

…

…

…

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSHHHHH

“It’s out, man.”

“Well, it was a sacred fire. I wanted to make sure. WINTERLAND IS MADE OF WOOD AND OILY RAGS! No fires!”

billy phil sufi choir 3:24:71

The Sufis chanted and then their choir came out; the Dead played with them for the last few numbers, but there’s no tape.

Hero of the Picture: Billy, who cares so little about any of this Sufi bullshit that he doesn’t even want to punch a Sufi dick. (Sufi dicks spin when you punch them.)

bobby jerry peanut pig 3:24:71

And here’s another shot of Peanut, and Pig with the last bit of fat he’d ever have.

B3 Be Gone

March 26, 2016 / / 2 Comments

This show might be more interesting than good, Enthusiasts: 3/24/71 from Winterland; the hook of this performance is this is the fewest Grateful Deads you’ll ever hear.

Obviously, TotD:  there were only five Grateful Deads from 2/19/71 to 10/21/71, you’ll say.

And I’ll say, Please don’t help. I can do this all by myself like a big boy.

Then you’d say, Did you just say “like a big boy?” That is creepy phrasing for a man your age.

And I would run into my bedroom and self-harm.

This is not how show recommendations are supposed to go.

Stop censorshipping me.

And that’s not how the English language works.

Shh. Anyway: yes, there were only five Grateful Deads for eight months, but you can only hear four of them on this recording; according to Bobby (or Garcia, maybe), they “forgot” Pig’s organ,* so it’s just the two guitarists, Phil, and Billy for this short-ish set and it sounds like no other show: raw and lean and bar-bandish.

Check it out, and stay for the Uncle John’s Band featuring some of the most painful harmonizing you’ve ever heard.

*This is not true. I thought that this was the night Pig’s organ got repossessed, but that was late ’69 or early ’70. I don’t know what happened, but I know that the official story (as much as a deadpan aside from the stage can be called official) isn’t true.

Rejected Grateful Dead Hot Wheels Toys

March 26, 2016 / / 2 Comments
  • Pig’s 1968 Ford Cortina.
  • The hearse the drummers stole after seeing Ghostbusters.
  • Creepy Ernie’s van.
  • Garcia’s 7-series land yacht.
  • Three semi-trucks with a build-a-figure Wall of Sound in the trailers.
  • Mickey’s sports racer Porsche 911* with authentic tour-cancellin’ crash damage.
  • Phil’s Lotus with lifelike electrical problems and sporadically functioning pop-up headlights.
  • The ice cream trucks that Wake of the Flood was supposed to be sold from.
  • The Bolo bus, which has a john and seats that face front. (With removable Pig in the back seat.)
  • The Bozo bus, which has a refrgierator and some of the seats installed facing back to accomodate four tables.
  • Parish’s Trans-Am.
  • One of those thunderously armored military mineclearing vehicles with the chain flails on the front.
  • This thing:
  • [PDF] Made in India military
  • But with Dead bullshit all over it.
  • Tom Constanten’s Geo Metro.
  • The Fast Motherfucker, an experimental rocket car that Alembic took to the Bonneville Salt Flats and then for some reason let Mickey drive.
  • The Earthroamer.
  • Pig’s Triumph motorcycle.
  • Big-Dicked Sheila’s Miata.
  • The Econoline van that took the band from the venue to the hotel, complete with individualized snacks and beverages.
  • A glazier’s truck, but the windowpanes are, like, windowpanes.
  • Maaaaan.
  • Whatever the fuck this thing is:
  • beetle camper
  • That sucker would drive itself to a Dead show.
  • You could just want to go to the store, but if there were a Dead show going on, then that was where you were going.
  • The doors would lock you in, gears would shift themselves.
  • Keith and Mrs. Donna Jean’s BMWs that you could crash into each other in the Front Street Parking Lot Playset. (Sold separately.)
  • Sewage truck hauling away doody from Watkins Glen.
  • Lillian Monster’s Tesla racecar.
  • Ned Lagin’s Saab.

*Lost Live Dead and Hooterollin’ Around‘s Corry provides this link with additional information and an utterly ridiculous quote from Mickey.

I’m Not Made Out Of Stone

March 8, 2016 / / 6 Comments

Pigpen E72 closed eyes

“You cryin’ again, boy? Every damn year! March come ridin’ up on that lamb and you start lyin’ about!”

C’mon, man.

“You don’t like the 8th? It was rough to ya?”

Day I was born.

“Poor you! Worst thing happened to ya was ya started drawin’ breath? Were ya sick and alone, all your friends gone? Were ya 27 goddamn years old on the floor o’ some apartment somewhere?”

Guess not.

“Ain’t been forgotten like the Pig! You just a little obscure for your ego.”

Yeah, could be.

“What flag you pledge your allegiance to this morning?”

Old Glory.

“Well, how ’bout that! You an American! Ain’t nothin’ beyond ya! Americans went to the moon! Americans put Hitler n the ground! Americans built the Great Wall of China!”

I don’t know about that last one.

Don’t stop him. He’s on a roll.

“Who the hell was that!?”

Don’t worry about him. Keep talking.

“You been waitin’ on phone calls! Lookin’ in the mailbox! Hopin’ and wishin’ when you should be sweatin’ and strivin’!”

I don’t know, Pig. Seems like it’s getting tougher.

“What: life? Livin’ ain’t tough! Try dyin’!”

I don’t want to do that.

“Yeah, I didn’t either. Ain’t got no choice towards that. Long as you on the earth ‘stead of in it, then you got choices, boy.”

Y’know, you might be the smartest Grateful Dead.

“Think I don’t know that? Why you think I stopped hanging out with those dopesuckers?”

Heh.

“The Pig’ll never steer ya wrong! Don’t take no advice from the livin’! They all got agendas! Worried about legacies and their wallets!”

You’re right.

“I know I’m right! Go out and drink yourself some whiskey! Sing some blues! Find yourself a black girl!”

…

“Actually, you shouldn’t drink yourself no whiskey.”

Nah.

“But the lesson about the blues and black girls still stands.

Good lesson.

“The Pig’s the best damn teacher there is.”

Hey, Pig: remind everyone about the Donate Button.

“WHO THE HELL IS THAT?”

A soul I’m in communion with.

“You oughta get a divorce!”

I’ve tried.

 

« Older posts Newer posts »

The Stacks

Follow Us

Google Verification

Follow Us

Follow me on Twitter

© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑