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Pontifical Health Radius

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a tryin’ not to cry. Is-a sad. Look at all-a this. Should be all-a full with-a da people. They-a come together to love-a da Jesus with me, but not no more. Is-a breakin’ my heart.”

Ah, man. I’m sorry, Your Holiness. How does the Pope deal with sorrow?

“I-a pray.”


“And I eat-a da ice cream. When-a dis is all over, there’s gonna be a roly-poly Pope.”

We’ve all been stress-eating. What’s your favorite flavor?

“I like-a da Death By Chocolate, but I can-a only eat vanilla.”


“All-a my clothes is-a white.”

I guess.

“I’m gonna have to let-a my cassock out a little.”

Are you following the doctor’s recommendations, Your Holiness?

“Si, si. Am-a self-isolating. Between-a you and me? Not-a that tough to do when you live in-a da Vatican. One bedroom apartment? Very difficult. You go-a da stir crazy. But I got a whole country here. Is-a no bad.”

Is it really just you in there?

“No, no. Benedict is-a here, too. Can I make-a da confession to you?”

I don’t know if that’s how it works, Your Holiness.

“Which one of us is-a da Pope?’


“Then don’t-a tell me how da rules go. I know-a da rules. I make-a da confession. You ready?”

I am ready, my son.

“Dont-a get cute.”

Sorry. You clearly have something you want to get off your chest. You can absolutely share it with me.

Grazi, grazi. Here is-a my confession: If-a da corona don’t kill him, I will.”


“Si, si. He’s-a drivin’ me nuts. Every day he got-a da new theory. On Monday, he say that da Chinese do it. On Tuesday, he say that da Chinese was-a framed by-a da Knights Templar. On Wednesday, he say that there ain’t no Chinese. So I says to him If there ain’t-a no China, then how come there’s spare ribs in-a da fridge? And you know-a what he says?”


“He said he eat-a da spare ribs!”

Oh, he’s the worst.

“I was-a lookin’ forward to those! Put-a my name on-a da tupperware and-a everything.”

I’m sorry, Your Holiness.

Grazi, grazi. And he has-a da guests!”

Pope Benedict is having guests during self-isolation?

“Si, si. His-a whole clique. They all…how you say…bitchy little twinks? Is-a this right?”

Yeah, I think that’s the right phrase.

“They drink-a da quarantinis and yell at-a da teevee. They watch-a that show where-a da men in dresses are mean to each other.”

RuPaul’s Drag Race.

“I no like-a that show.”

You’re not the demographic.

“No, no.”

You watch Tiger King?

“Hey, I’m-a da Pope, I’m not dead. Of course I watch-a da Joe Exotic.”

What did you think, Your Holiness?

“That guy needs-a da Jesus. I know I say that about everyone, but I-a mean it this time.”

Good call. Are there any Bible verses that you think would help us keep our spirits up right now, Pope Francis?

“Si, si. And is-a da short one, so you can-a remember easy. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

That was just exactly perfect.

“Si, si. Is-a from Galatians.”

Galatian? Wow, deep cut.

“I know-a two things: the Bible, and that-a da lady on the show fed her husband to-a da tigers.”

Bless you, Pope Francis.

“Bless us all, always, but-a especially now.”


Zucchetto Trick

Hey, Pope Francis! Haven’t seen you in a while. How you doing?

“Is all-a good. Woke up with-a da health. Said-a da prayers. Maybe gonna rain dis afternoon, but-a maybe not. I can’t-a complain.”

You have a good outlook on life, Your Holiness.

“Is all-a da Jesus. Bad day? That’s-a on me.”

Sure. That’s a nice Golden Knights jersey. Are you a hockey fan?

“Is-a jersey? Dis-a guy keeps-a calling it a sweater.”

That’s a hockey thing. Or a Canadian thing. Although, a “hockey thing” and a “Canadian thing” are kinda the same thing.

“They’re-a proud of their game.”

Oh, yeah.

“Is-a not for me. I-a grew up in-a da Argentina. Not-a da hotbed of winter sports.”

And I don’t suppose you’ve ever been to Las Vegas.

“No, no. Is-a da Sodom. Or-a da Gomorrah. Unlimited shrimp in-a da desert? Is unholy.”

I can’t argue with that.

“When-a da Jesus come back? Vegas is-a da first place to go.”

What’s second?


They deserve it.

“Si, si.”

Raiders Of The Lost Wife


“Is-a not what-a you think.”

You gotta make sure the staff is the right length.

“I’m-a not looking for-a da Well of Souls.”

You totally are. The sun shines through the jewel in the middle of the doohickey and illuminates the location of the Ark of the Covenant.

“Did-a you get all your history from-a da 80’s action movies?”


“You should-a read more.”

The Bible?

“Anything. Any book you can-a find.”

You always have good advice. Um, Your Holiness, can I ask a question and you have to promise not to get mad?

“You can-a no ask me about-a da Papal Underwear no more. Is-a getting creepy.”

Not about that.


Your staff.

“Is-a called ferula. Means-a ‘rod’ in Latin.”

“Stop-a giggling.”


“Is-a like talking to-a da six-year-old.”

I really apologize.

“I-a forgive you.”

Thank you. So, the ferula…well…it just looks kinda…

“Pagan as-a all getout?”

That’s what I was trying to say, yes.

“Si, si. Is-a…how you say…syncretic as fuck.”

Language, Your Holiness.

“I-a forgive me. Catholic Church ain’t-a da separate thing. Evolved from-a what came-a before. And what-a came after? That evolved from-a da Church.”

Christ, iterated.

“Si, si. Is all-a da same thing.”

“Your Fanciness.”

“Ah, basta.”

Who’s that, Your Holiness? Is it Benedict?

“No, no. Is-a so much worse than-a Benedict.”


“I vant to redecorate my apartments. There is not enough gold.”

“She just-a showed up.”

Oh, no, Pope Francis. This is no good. You gotta get rid of her.

“I can no throw her out! Would cause-a da international incident!”

I guess.

“Plus, somebody done taught her ‘Sanctuary.’ She been-a yelling it real loud for two-a days.”

Probably Benedict.

“Si, si. He-a been right by her creepy side. They-a sit inna da cafeteria and-a make fun of da nuns. They make-a Sister Loretta cry! Is-a not her fault she’s a big girl! Is-a no nice!”

No. Melania is not nice at all.

“I gotta get rid of her.”

Yes, you do, but don’t send her back to the Dead.

“Don’t give-a da Pope orders.”

Sorry. Please don’t send her back to the Dead.

“That’s-a better.”

I Kissed A Pope (And I Liked It) (But Then Around A Dozen Swiss Guards Tackled Me)

“Look at-a da pretty girl.”

She’s very attractive, Your Holiness.

“Is-a da Demi Lovato?”


“Is-a da Halsey? She’s-a so hot now, da Halsey.”

Not Halsey. That’s Katy Perry.

“Little Potato’s Katy Perry?”

Wow, that nickname got to the Vatican already, huh?

“We got-a da wifi.”


“Katy needs-a da hit. Been a while.”

She’s in a fallow period of her career.

“She needs-a da beef. She should-a feud with-a da Cardi B.”

Oh, that would be a terrible idea.

“Si, si. I’m-a joking. Cardi B is-a da savage. Katy would-a get ethered.”

Yes, sir.

“What’s-a with Legolas? Are-a da skinny ties back again?”

I guess.

“Ties-a get skinny, then-a fat, then-a skinny. Back and-a forth. Like-a da Oprah.”

You’re killing it tonight, Your Holiness.

“You keep-a da secret?”


“I was s’posed to host-a da White House Correspondent’s Dinner. Tell-a da jokes about Signor Bing Bong. I got all this material I got-a no use for.”

Why did you cancel?

“They-a fire me!”

What!? Who would fire the Pope?

“People gonna go to hell, that’s-a who.”

You would forgive them.

“I don’t-a know. I was-a lookin’ forward to it. Get in some hang time with-a da Jake Tapper.”

You know Jake Tapper?

“Everybody knows-a da Tapp. Solid hang.”

Why did they fire you, Your Holiness?

“I said-a dat abortion and-a da homosexuality is-a da sin.”

Oh, right. Your beliefs.

“Si, si. And-a I shelter many, how you say, bambino-pumpers.”

You shouldn’t say it that way.

“Don’t correct-a da Pope.”


“Dominus there you go. Is okay. I stay at-a da Vatican. Watch-a da Avengers.You think-a Katy wants-a to chill?”

You should ask her, but I don’t think you’re her type.

“What’s-a her type?”

Tall, dark, and douchey.

“Chicks-a dig jerks, man.”

Tell me about it.

Dominus Gofastum

Hey, Your Holiness. Whatcha doing?

“Is-a da publicity stunt. Can I be-a honest with you?”


“Is-a my least favorite part of-a da job. Praying? Si, si. Comfort-a da sick? Oh, si. I love-a to comfort da sick. I see a guy with-a da weird face, I hug-a da guy. You bring-a me da Elephant Man, I’m-a gonna wash his feet. Love-a to comfort da sick. But-a dis? Is-a no job for-a da Pope.”

Well, if it makes any difference, this is a Formula E car.

“I no-a know what dis is.”

They’re electric. You’ve made Climate Change a big part of your papacy, so this is right up your alley.

“Si? Is-a da big go-kart?”

Yup. Plug it right into the wall, then it does 200 miles an hour. Actually, it’s a European sport, so the car does 200 kilometers per hour. Or whatever.

“Da future is-a here, now.”


“And-a who drives?”

Oh, it’s still pretty guys from rich families.

“Is-a tradition. Soccer is for-a da people, but racing is-a only for some of da people.”

Twas ever thus.

“In-a Argentina, we race-a da horses. Big-a horse country.”

Did you ever ride, Your Holiness?

“No, no. Is-a tough to ride-a da horse in-a da cassock. Gotta sit side-saddle. Is-a no a good look.”

True. Weird question.

“I heard-a dem all.”

What kind of blessing do you say over a race car?

“Is-a no specific prayer in-a da Bible. Mostly, I just-a make up stuff in Latin. Talk about what’s-a for lunch, that sort-a da thing.”

And everyone’s happy afterwards.

“Si, si. Why-a not?”

Hope, Pope

“Your Holiness.”

“Hey, Signore Presidente. How you doing?”

“Good, good. You, uhhhh, don’t need to do the handshake.”

“Is-a da soul brother handshake.”

“I recognized it. Unnecessary.”

“You give-a da dap?”

“Just a regular handshake is fine.”

“Okay. Up-a to you. Is-a nice place you got-a here.”

“The White House belongs to the people, Your Holiness. And, besides, it’s not much compared to where you live.”

“Si, si. Vatican make-a dis joint look like-a da dump. Where-a da frescoes?”

“No frescoes, Your Holiness.”

“Is-a da waste of-a da good ceiling! Put-a some naked bambinos with-a da wings up there!”

“I’ll look into it, Your Holiness.”

“Call-a me Jorge.”

“I, uhhhh, can’t do that.”

“Bueno. Was-a da trick. You call-a da Pope by-a his first name, you go straight-a to Hell.”

“Well, there’s no strictures against using a President’s first name. Please call me Barack.”

“Si, si. Barack.”

“That’s great.”


“Yes, Your Holiness?”

“Why you no love-a da Jesus?”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“Benedict says you a secret Muslim.”

“Former Pope Benedict says a lot of things.”

“Si, si. And he say you murder someone named-a Ben Gozzy.”

“Is the former Pope just watching Fox News all day?”

“You betcha. And he don’t-a speak English so good, so he gets-a da stories confused.”

“I’m sorry you have to put up with that.”

“Is-a no picnic with that guy.”

“Now, Your Holiness, I just need to warn you: Joe Biden is going to come in here in a minute, and he’s liable to do just about anything.”

“People freak out when I hit-a da spot.”

“He’s just Catholic as all-get-out, Your Holiness. Probably gonna cry a little. Might, uhhhh, be a bear hug. Just stay on the balls of your feet.”

“Si, si. Barack?”

“Your Holiness?”



“I got you. You-a da secret Muslim.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“Si, si. Popes can keep-a da secrets.”

And The Boy Was Good

Hey, Pope Francis. You got a dog.

“Si, si. Is-a da saint for-a da Pope.”

It’s a St. Bernard. I see what you did.

“I make-a da joke. Is-a da good dog. No jump on-a da cassock. Some-a dogs? They get-a da mud all over. Is-a no good if you wear-a white.”

All-white is a risky look, Your Holiness.

“Secret is-a da laundry stick. You rub a little, mess is-a all gone. I go through a dozen a week.”

Have you ever had a dog?

“No, no. Priests no have-a da dogs. Churches have-a cats, but priests no have-a da dogs. Can’t have-a no wife, can’t have-a no dog. Just-a da Jesus.”

Can’t play fetch with Jesus, though.

“No, no. Jesus, he don’t-a fetch. He take-a da walk with you, but he don’t-a fetch.”

Belly rubs?

“Don’t-a be rubbin’ on-a da Jesus belly.”

Is that blasphemy?

“If it ain’t, I don’t-a know what is.”


“You know-a da blasphemy when you see-a da blasphemy.”

Makes sense. You said that churches have cats. Did any of the churches you live in have cats?

“Oh, si, si. There was-a Jesus. She was-a da feisty cat. And-a Jesus. He’s-a da cuddlebug, Jesus. And-a Jesus. He run away.”

Were all your cats named Jesus?


You love Jesus.

“He’s-a numero uno with me.”

Your Holiness, can pets go to heaven?

“If-a they good, si. If-a they bad, no. And-a they gotta be normal. Iguanas no go to heaven. No-a snakes, neither. Just-a da dogs and-a da cats. Maybe real expensive fish.”


“I no like-a da birds.”

Me, either, Pope Francis. But they’re real smart and they get real attached to people.

“Birds are-a da maybe. We see on-a da case by case basis.”

Seems fair. What about sea monkeys?

“No. Is-a just brine shrimp.”


The Lambo Of God

Hey, Pope Francis. New car?

“Si, si. I got-a da Lambo. Is-a nice. Gonna take it to-a da club. Make-a da valet park it out front. Gonna get-a da chicks.”

Your Holiness.

“I kid. You wanna get-a da chicks, you gotta drive-a da Ferrari.”

Your Holiness!

“I kid!”

You had me worried.

“I’m-a da silly goose today. Full-a da beans. I give-a da car to charity. Make-a da money for da bambinos. Feed-a da hungry.”

That sounds like you.

“Look at-a dis silly thing. Pope can-a no drive this.”

It’s off-brand.

“Si, si. And-a my big hat won’t-a fit.”

Maybe Lamborghini does a convertible.

“I’m-a set. Got-a da Popemobile. Is-a nice in there. Is-a roomy. Got-a da wifi, Sirius XM.”

Heated seat?

“Si, si. I have-a da driver turn it on before-a I get in. I get-a da toasty tush. Best part-a da day sometimes.”

Sure. You know, that sucker’s got a 5.7 liter V10 that puts out 500 horses.

“Good for-a da car.”

Not a gearhead, huh?

“No, no. Is-a nice to raise-a da money for charity, but I tell-a you something you already know.”

What’s that?

“This car is-a da sin.”

It is.

“Si, si. Is-a da middle finger to-a da poor. All-a those hours spent-a making it and-a for what? So some-a rich asshole can tell-a da world what a rich asshole he is. Forgive-a my language.”

You’re forgiven.

“That’s-a my line.”

The Heavens And The Firmament

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a watchin’ da teevee. Second season of-a Stranger Things don’t make-a no sense. Is-a no scary.”

I think you’re actually talking to astronauts, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. I make-a da joke.”

You’re a funny Pope.

“Not like-a Clement XIII. Hands-a down, da funniest Pope-a.”

When was he Pope?

“In-a da 1760’s. They’re still-a talkin’ about him here. Made-a da big impression. He knew all-a da jokes. When-a da nuns would leave-a da room, he would-a work blue. And-a he could dance. Real-a triple threat, Clement XIII.”

Sure. So what’s the best part of being Pope?

“I like-a dis part. Talkin’ to-a da people. They got-a da hope in-a their hearts. Is-a nice. Make-a me happy.”

That’s an encouraging answer.

“And I like-a da Vatican gym.”

Is it nice?

“You gotta see dis place. Is-a swanky. Towel service is-a free. Got-a da juice bar where they make-a da smoothies. They taste-a so good, but-a they good for you, too. Is-a da best of both-a da worlds.”

Sounds pretty sweet.

“I do-a da hot yoga. Lift-a da weight. Take-a da shvitz. Sometimes, I sit on-a da bike and watch-a my stories. Is-a so boring otherwise.”

Cardio is a chore.

“I don’t-a look at-a da clock. I put-a da towel over it.”

Then how do you know how long you’ve done?

“When-a da second Judge-a Judy episode is-a over, so is-a my ride.”

You’re a fan of Judge Judy, Your Holiness?

“Si, si. Love-a da Judge-a Judy. She don’t take-a no crap. I wish I could-a hire her to be-a da canonization judge.”

The canonization judge?

“Si. Before-a you become-a da saint, there’s-a da trial. Got-a someone arguing-a for you, and-a someone against. Is-a where da phrase ‘Devil’s advocate’ comes from.”

I learned something today.

“And-a it takes forever. With-a da back and forth. Judge-a Judy? She’d-a be done in eight minutes. She-a say, ‘You, you gonna be-a da saint. You, you gonna no be-a da saint.’ We could-a be home by lunch.”

She is efficient.

“And-a she says the stuff. I love-a da stuff she-a say. ‘Don’t-a poop on my lawn and-a tell me da ice cream truck came-a by.’ That sort-a da thing.”

I agree, Pope Francis, but I think you have to keep up appearances. And, besides: Judge Judy is Jewish.

“So was-a da Jesus.”


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