Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: racism

Rest In Peace, Brent

You were the greatest or second-greatest keyboardist the Dead ever had. (Third if we’re counting Jeff Chimenti.) We’ll miss you forever, Brent.

You’re an asshole.


That is two-time National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft, who is not dead and was never in the Grateful Dead.

That’s on me. I see it now. My problem is that I can’t tell Brents apart because I’m not a racist like you.


Seriously. Everyone knows I don’t have a racist bone in my body.

“Wrong, Jewboy.”

Was that you?


Who was it?

“Down here.”

“When you said that you didn’t have a racist bone in your body, you were a little bit off. You have one racist bone in your body, and it’s me. I’m your left femur.”

This is so fucking stupid that I’m gonna kill myself.




I didn’t think he had it in him.

“Fuck him. He looked Irish, anyway.”

Could you please stop being racist?

“Absolutely not. I connect the hip bone to the knee bone, and I preach the tenets of White Supremacy. That’s what I do; it’s why I’m here.”

Ah, this blows.

“Hey, you got 205 bones that are degenerates like you. Don’t oppress me. I’m a minority.”

I will not play your word games.

“How about sodoku? You people are good with numbers.”

We’re done.

“I’m gonna try to make you kick a Guatemalan.”

Italics Guy was right. This universe is so fucking stupid.

Modifications To The Definition of Racism, Summer 2019 Update

NOT RACIST: Telling four sitting Congresswomen, 75% of whom are native-born, to “go back to there they came from.”
RACIST: Asking Israel to stop doing its little psychodrama Holocaust cosplay with the Palestinians.

NOT RACIST: Providing “studies” that “prove” black people are more violent than white people, even though everyone was talking about baseball or something.
RACIST: Remembering that slavery was a thing.

NOT RACIST: Pointing out the good stuff that Hitler did.
RACIST: Calling someone a Nazi just because they’re wearing swastika armbands while marching through town chanting about the Jews.*

NOT RACIST: Being a racist.
RACIST: Noticing a racist.



*And, you know: not good things. It would be odd if a large group of people marched through town chanting “THE JEWS’ BELIEF THAT EDUCATION IS THE BEDROCK OF ALL SUCCESS IS ONE THAT SHOULD BE MORE WIDELY ADOPTED” but I wouldn’t be dismayed by the display. But that’s not the kind of thing that people chant when they march through town with Jews on their minds.

Appropriate Methods Of Protest For Black People, According To White Moderates

  • Turning the other cheek.
  • Frowning sternly.
  • A good “Harrumph” or two.
  • Sitting quietly in your home.
  • Satirical essay. (White moderates are quite sure that satirical articles are the ultimate defense against tyranny.)
  • Politely asking for equality.
  • Letter to the editor.
  • Waiting patiently for white people to fix the problems they caused.
  • Only displaying gratitude, instead of personally thanking every white person you see for your successes and/or being in America in the first place.

Reasons For White People To Say The N-Word

It’s like some people aren’t listening, and Jesus it’s tiring making the same arguments again and again, so everyone pay attention. We’re not doing this again.

You are a racist. This is not an excuse, just a valid explanation. It is, in fact, the only completely defensible reason (though the least defensible moral position).

Why did that man burn down the mall?
Because he is an arsonist.

Why did that man eat that family?
Because he is a very hungry cannibal.

Why did that man say the N-word?
Because he is a racist.

Open and shut case. If you’re a racist, please feel free to say the N-word to your shriveled and leathery heart’s desire. In fact, please say it around black people, or into recording devices.

You are an actor. And, you know, only in certain very proscribed situations. The guy who plays Green Arrow is an actor, but he’s not allowed to shout the N-word in Target. Obviously, I mean while you’re performing. And it really should be in the script: it is a terrible idea to try to work the N-word into an ad-lib.

You are singing/rapping along with your radio in the car by yourself. If there’s anyone else in the car–no matter their race–you have to mumble the word.


“I didn’t say ‘-er,’ I said ‘-a.'”

Stop that. Do you even hear yourself? Just stop it.

“Why do they get to say that word?”

Holy shit, I hate you now.

“I have many black friends/lovers/employees.”

Great. They all hate you now.

“I’m a cool white person, though. Not like the other white people. I have a ghetto pass.”

Not anymore, fucko. You didn’t read the back of your ghetto pass, which clearly reads “Shall be revoked in case holder says the N-word in public.”

Are we clear now? Does everyone know the rules? It’s simple: don’t say the N-word, because it really makes you like a cunt.

Thank you.

Racism: An FAQ

What is racism?

The worst breakfast cereal in the world.

Stop that.

Racism is the belief in abstractions and the general rather than facts and the individual. It’s a system based on a lot of underlying assumptions that aren’t true.

Such as?

That there’s such a thing as a “race.”

You’re saying all humans are alike?

Of course not. Let’s start at the beginning. Homo Sapiens originated in Africa, correct?

Present-day Kenya.

Right. We hadn’t figured out how to make clothes yet, so we had to have evolved someplace warm. We start in Kenya and then the first wave of emigration goes north to Europe.

They became the Neanderthals.

Also right. Then 100,000 years later, a second wave of migration went out from Africa. These folks–genetically identical to us, able to procreate with a modern-day human–went into Europe and either ate the Neanderthals or fucked them to death. This second wave spread all over the globe: to Asia, India, the Pacific, South America, and across the Bering land bridge into North America.

A succinct telling of a long story.

And then when everyone got to where they were getting to, they just kinda stayed there for several dozen thousand years. This led to breeding groups, also known as ethnicities.

Ethnicity is different from race?

Yes, ethnic groups actually exist. The human beings that evolved in Australia are genetically different from the ones that evolved in North Africa.

How different?

Little tiny bit. They look slightly dissimilar and may exhibit conflicting responses to lactose. Otherwise? Mostly the same size, mostly the same shape, able to procreate with ease.

With ease?

If there’s one thing humans are good at, it’s making babies with strangers.


Compare people to dogs: say, a Pomeranian and an Irish Wolfhound. We’ve got a hell of a lot less genetic diversity, and remember that we’re just talking about the measurable stuff here. Racism is based in the nebulous.

What do you mean?

The racist believes not just that there are races of human, but also that each race has an unalterable capacity for such nebulous concepts as “intelligence” and “civilization” and “propensity for violence,” and therefore the best race should be in charge.

Which race is that?




White people are not the only racists.

Oh, no. Asians are racist as shit.

So why are we only talking about white people?

I see no point in talking about anything other than America.

You make an excellent point.

I know. God bless us.

And the Allfather.

Strong is he.

So strong. But: can’t black people be racist?

They can be bigoted.

What’s the difference?

Bigoted is the finger you get from another driver, racist is the cops pulling you over. Racism is the philosophy the majority employs to rationalize its actions towards the minority. “They are lesser, you see” racism says, “so we had to treat them that way for their own good.”

That was the past, though.


The past wasn’t racist?

Oh, God, no. The past was the most racist place on Earth.

I’m talking about the present.

The present is definitely, demonstrably, demarcably less racist than the past.

So, we’re past all that?

Under no circumstances. In fact, racism is making a big comeback. Racism is the new black.

I’m pretty sure that’s offensive.

Me, too. But, yeah: this is not your father’s racism. For example, there are now what’s called “racial realists.”

What’s that mean?

Racist assholes.


And there’s “Identitarians.”

Ooh. What’s that?

Racist assholes. Also, there’s Nationalists and the Alt-Right and Defenders of Western Civilization and Neoreactionaries.

What are those?

Racist assholes. They’re all just racist assholes, but they like to squabble with each other, so they form their little groups and misinterpret evolutionary psychology at one another.

But the general public isn’t racist any more. We had a black president!

And look who followed him.

Well, I’m going to need some sources if you’re going to call Donald Trump a racist.

He hasn’t run up and down Broadway screaming “nigger,” if that’s what you’re asking for.

Then how do you know he’s a racist?

He hired Jeff Sessions.

I’ll give you that. So: what is racism?

The last refuge of the chinless.

I’ll give you that, too.