“AH HAD NOT FINISHED INNERDUCIN’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA.”
“Oh. I, uh, thought you had completed the introductions.”
“YOU AIN’ PAID T’ THINK, NIX. YOU PAID T’ LEAD.”
“True, true. Elvis, you’re a wiser man than people know.”
“YEAH, AH KNOW LOTSA SHIT. MISTER PRESIDENT, THIS HERE IS MISS MARY. SHE IS MAH COOK AT GRACELAND.”
“How do you do, Miss Mary.”
“SHE MAKES ME MAH SAN’WICHES AN’ MAH BREAKFASTS AN’ ALSO MAH BREAKFAST SAN’WICHES.”
“Breakfast sandwich, Elvis?”
“MAN, YOU THROW COUPLE EGGS AN’ A POUND O’ BACON ON A REG’LAR SAN’WICH. BAM: BREAKFAST SAN’WICH.”
“I see.”
“ONNA WEEKEND, MAYBE YOU TOSS A SHORT STACK O’ PANCAKES ON THERE. THASS A MEAL FIT F’R THE KING. WHATCHOO USUALLY EAT, NIX?”
“Nixon is a light eater, very light. Poached egg in the morning. Coffee, black. Sandwich for lunch. Ham is fine, but the mustard shouldn’t have too much personality to it. Dinner is generally roast beef, maybe lamb. I enjoy cottage cheese. There are other cheeses, but the cottaged variety is the one I’m most familiar with. Perhaps some strawberry ice cream late at night. Little treat.”
…
“THASS TH’ MOST DEPRESSIN’ GODDAM THING AH’VE EVER HEARD, NIX. AH’M GONNA HAVE MISS MARY COOK YOU UP SOME DEEP-FRIED WHIPPED CREAM AN’ PORK.”
“That doesn’t sound appetizing, Elvis. No, thank you.”
“CATFISH AN’ BANANA SAN’WICH?”
“No.”
“CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK?”
“No.”
“STEAK-FRIED CHICKEN?”
“Elvis, I’m not hungry.”
“THEN ALLOW ME T’ CONTINUE T’ KEEP INNERDUCING MY LOYAL ENTOURAGE. THASS A FRENCH WORD, NIX: ENTOURAGE. MEANS ‘A BUNCHA GUYS WHO THINK YER AWESOME.'”
“Yes, fine.”
“THIS IS FUJI. HE ADVISES ME ON KARATE.”
“Hello, Fuji.”
“THAT AIN’ HIS NAME, BUT NONE OF US C’N PRONOUNCE HIS REAL ONE. THIS MAN HERE, NIX? HE IS A DANG LIVIN’ WEAPON. GOT THE EYES OF A PREDATOR, BUT SQUINTY. YOU DROP THIS HERE BOY IN VIETNAM? WAR’S OVER IN A WEEK.”
“A week?”
“IF THAT.”
“I will take that under advisement, Elvis.”
“YOU HEARD O’ BLACK BELTS, NIX? THIS MAN GOT BLACK SUSPENDERS. FUJI! CHOP THAT COUCH IN HALF!”
KARATE!
“HOW ‘BOUT THAT?”
“Elvis, please stop destroying the Oval Office.”
“AH DID NOT DESTROY ANYTHIN’, MERELY FACILITATED TH’ COUCH’S DEMISE.”
“Don’t argue semantics with me, mister. This isn’t some Las Vegas showroom: it’s the White House. Have some respect.”
“AH WILL REIMBURSE BOTH YOU AND AMERICA HERSELF F’R THE COUCH.”
“Fine, fine.”
“AN’ THIS HERE’S MAH BAND.”
“What?”
BAAAAAH!
BAAAAAH!
BAAAAAH!
BUM-BAAAAH!
BUM-BUM
BUM-BUM
BUM-BUM
“Where did they even come from?”
“DON’ WORRY ‘BOUT THAT, NIX. YOU LIKE THAT INTRO MUSIC? AH STOLE IT FROM THAT BORING SPACE MOVIE WHERE TH’ GAY SPACESHIP KILLS THEM TWO GUYS.”
“Just knock it off. No music in here.”
“TAKE FIVE, BOYS. SWEET INSPIRATIONS, YOU TOO.”
“Elvis, how many people have you brought with you.”
“THASS A GOOD QUESTION. LET’S FIND OUT T’GETHER. THIS HERE IS MAH PERSONAL CROUPIER, HARRY EYEBALLS.”
“Personal croupier?”
“NEVER KNOW WHEN A DICE GAME GONNA BREAK OUT, NIX.”
“True, true.”
“THIS TH’ KHALEESI. SHE TH’ MOTHER OF DRAGONS.”
“Khaleesi.”
“THIS HERE’S A MAN AH CALL TH’ HUMAN PYRAMID.”
“Why is that?”
“REASON’S O’ MY OWN.”
“Sure, playing it close to the chest. Good thinking, Elvis.”
“AN’ THIS HERE’S A GIRL FROM NEW YORK CITY. SHE CALLS HERSELF TH’ HUMAN TRAMPOLINE.”
“Ah. And she, uh, tumbled into Graceland?”
“GRACELAND.”
“Graceland.”
“MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE. YESSIR.”
“God bless America, Elvis.”
“THASS RIGHT, NIX.”
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