“Secretary Perry, glad you could–”
“That rhymes! Secretary Perry!”
“–come by and…oh, it’s gonna be one of those meetings.”
“Before we get started, could I get you a pair of genuine ostrich cowboy boots?”
“I’m fine.”
“Gator?”
“No, thank you.”
“You name an animal, an’ I’ll get someone to make it into a pair of boots for you.”
“Sir, this is serious business.”
“Hell, yeah, it is. Nothin’ more important to a real Texan than boots. ‘Cept maybe not bein’ messed with.”
“Uh-huh. Secretary, the President is attempting to throw you under the bus.”
“Nah, hoss. I drive a Cadillac. Buses are for Mexicans.”
“Wow. Let’s try again. President Trump is trying to pin the blame for the Ukraine scandal on you.”
“Ukraine.”
“Yes.”
“That near Odessa?”
“It depends on which Odessa you’re talking about.”
“The only one that matters, hoss.”
“Then, no. Ukraine is nowhere near West Texas. It is in Eastern Europe.”
“Ohhhhh. Thaaaaat Ukraine. Yeah, I dunno ’bout that.”
“You don’t know what?”
“Don’t be extenuatin’ my sentences, hoss. I said I dunno, and that’s a full stop. You name it, I dunno ’bout it.”
“Okay. Secretary, there are reports that you pushed the Ukrainian President to investigate corruption involving Joe Biden’s son, and that you further tried to get several Americans on the board of directors of an Ukrainian energy company.”
“Sure did! It ain’t right what them Bidens did! Puttin’ that Hunter boy in a position of power when everybody knows he’s a goober. Wouldn’t be nothin’ without his daddy! I asked my good friend President Zippydoodah–”
“Zelensky.”
“–to replace the Biden boy with someone who knew what he was doing.”
“Who was that?”
“Li’l Ricky.”
…
“Is that your son?”
“Proud o’ that boy! He was a walk-on with the Longhorns. Security guards told him he couldn’t, but he just walked right on the field. Obstinate cuss, just like his daddy!”
“Sure. Secretary, what role, if any, did you have in President Trump’s phone calls to the Ukraine?”
“I cheerlead, hoss. Big Don makes the call, and I’ll sit across the desk from him. When he makes a good point, I give him one of these.
APPROVING FIST-IN-THE-AIR NOISE
“Or these.
THUMBS UP NOISE
“Or maybe this.
THUMBS UP WITH A WINK NOISE
“An’ if he tells a good joke, I let him know it like this.
DOUBLE GUNS NOISE
“I’m an important part of the process.”
“So, just to recap, your participation in the calls was limited to gestures of support?”
“Hell, no. If I saw the President gettin’ bored, I would give Pence a purple nurple or somethin’.”
“Good to know.”
“C’n we send your girl out for some lunch? I’m a might peckish. Could do me one of those BLT sandwiches. That’s bacon, lettuce, and…uh…there’s a third ingredient.”
“Tomato.”
“Starts with a T, I know that.”
“Tomato.”
“Texas?”
“You want a Bacon, Lettuce, and Texas sandwich?”
“Hoss, I want Texas any which way I c’n get her.”
“Can we please continue?”
“Love me some Texas! Yee-haw!”
IDIOT FIRING PISTOLS INTO THE CEILING OF A CONFERENCE ROOM NOISE
“Jesus!”
“Him, too!”
FURTHER SHOOTING NOISE
“Gimme those! Give them to me!”
“Aw.”
SIX-SHOOTERS BEING HANDED OVER NOISE
“Them pistol grips is pure ivory, hoss.”
“How lovely. Secretary Perry, I am not sure that you quite understand the extent to which President Trump and his associates are trying to blame you for this mess. You are being accused of very serious matters.”
“Hmm. Would it help if I turned over my notes from all my meetings with all them Ukrainians?”
“You took notes?”
“Well, if we gonna be honest, they’re mostly doodles. I c’n draw a cactus. Do me a real nice lady with big ol’ boobies. Doodlin’s the best, hoss. Gives me somethin’ to do while the other fella is talkin’.”
“You’re supposed to be listening.”
“Son, listenin’ is for Oklahomans. Texans speak, and then we wait to speak again.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Hol’ up a sec. Gotta take this.”
…
“Uh-huh.”
…
“Uh-huh.”
…
“All right, then.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Hoss, I gotta run. Li’l Ricky may or may not have killed a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.”
“Yeah, you should take care of that.”
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